Questions

This morning's sermon in church was so incredible, I had to come home a write it down so I didn't forget any points. I mean, it's one of those sermons that felt like God Himself had orchestrated just for me. So let me get right to it....

The text today came from Psalm 13.
     How long will you forget me, Lord? Forever? How long will you hide from me?
     How long must I worry and feel sad in my heart all day? How long will my enemy win over me?
     Lord, look at me. Answer me, my God; tell me or I will die.
     Otherwise my enemy will say, "I have won!"   Those against me will rejoice that I've been defeated.
     I trust in your love. My heart is happy because you have saved me.
     I sing to the Lord because he has taken care of me.

This is a psalm of lament. You know, sadness, grief and the like. My bible says that David wrote this one. He is clearly in pain. He's questioning God...where are you? How long are you going to let this go on? How long are you going to let the bad guys win?

Y'all this is the point where it gets real for me. Growing up, I went to a church that taught that you didn't question God. He is the almighty and we are to just obey. While I still believe that we are to obey, I have always struggled with the questioning part. I am FILLED with more questions than answers...about everything. I always thought that God wouldn't have created my mind in the way He did if He hadn't intended for me to question things. But then I would feel guilty and revert back to my upbringing. Don't question..just follow.

But this psalm (with the help of my pastor) brought things into a different light. We can question God and wonder and hurt and cry, if we just remember to ask His help over these things. Our pastor pointed out that there are four main points to this type of prayer.

   1. "Dear God"- I don't have to butter up God to get His attention. I don't have to lavish praises on Him just to get Him to hear me. All I have to do is speak His name. He hears my words but also knows my heart. Just calling on Him is enough to have His ear.
  2. "We are in pain"- It's ok to have the questions, to pour out our concerns, to ask God why these bad things are happening in our world. We are hurting here and it's fine for us to tell it all to God. He knows it anyway. His heart is moved by what is in our hearts.
  3. "Help!" - So we've told God all of the things we are struggling with. We've laid out our hearts before the King and we just ask for His help. Acknowledging that He is the only one who can do anything about it....well, that's what it's all about.
   4. "We trust you"--Taking the hurts in one hand and His hope in the other and laying them at the feet of Jesus....saying to God that we believe He is in charge and will help us.

Our pastor made another point that stands out with me so clearly. He said praying in this way is a form of worship. Worship. Isn't that amazing? Getting heart to heart with God is worship. Pouring out your very soul to him is worship. Asking for His help is worship. Trusting Him is worship.

 While singing praises and proclaiming God's greatness is also worship, having that deep, heartfelt connection with the King of Kings is the ultimate worship. Because we all know that there are times when our praise is just lip service. We say it because we "should" or because it's what we have been taught or because it's that part of the church service. But our desperate hearts crying out to God, believing Him and trusting Him to help us is always truth. There's no greater worship than honesty between you and your King.

Who knows where these cries lead? We know God is moved by our hearts. Maybe this cry, this outpouring, this pleading of genuine dependence is what will move God.  To quote our pastor, "The cries initiate history."

Father, today I thank you for sending this word to me. In this one sermon, you have answered so many questions for me. You gave me answers about myself but also about you. Please help me to remember this as I move forward in my walk with you.

Today, as I am struggling with so many things, I thank you for listening. I thank you for hearing my heart and feeling my pain. Please help me in this battle. Even more, please help me in turning this battle over to you, for it is your fight anyway.  In my hands are both the problem and your hope. I trust you with them and lay them at your feet. Please help me this very day. I love you my sweet Lord.

Testimony

I had a sweet friend text me tonight. She had read my blog a few days back and offered me some advice. She was worried about me and the anger I had expressed. (Thanks TP for thinking of me and stepping out to say so!!)

I have to be honest in saying that it got me to thinking. I do put this blog out there for all to see, even though most times I don't expect anyone to read it. Sometimes I write things for G to see later on in life. Sometimes I write things down so I don't forget. Most of the time I use this site to vent and to let out my emotions.

I definitely don't want to censor my thoughts and feelings. I need the outlet. But tonight my thoughts turned to my testimony. Some of the posts on this site are harsh. I know it. There are words that I could only say in the anonymity of the internet. But I don't want to ruin my testimony because I chose to say something crass.

So let me be clear...I'm struggling here just like everyone else. I have good days and bad. I've been through LOTS of things in my life. Part of my testimony is ugly. Most of my testimony is ugly. But I know that God is with me in this.

I get mad at Him. I yell and scream and question what is going on. I demand answers from Him like a spoiled toddler. I cry and beg and plead my case. I apologize and cry some more.  When it comes right down to it though, I ask Him for wisdom. I ask Him to lead me. I ask Him to protect us and love us. I just ask for Him to be with us always. That's how I make it through. Because I know amid all the fits and rage and hurt and pain, He is with us. He supplies me with what I need to get through the tough times and come out on the other side where I can see His hand.

Not many people know this about me, but I believe God gave me a vision of my life. He gave me a vision in which I am speaking to large groups of women about what I've been through. It's funny because if you know me, you know it petrifies me to stand up in front of a group to talk. So this is not something I would choose for myself.  Every now and then, I'm reminded of that vision and realize that God keeps adding to my story. I'm meant to tell it someday.

So friends, if you do read this blog, please take heart. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I know I am all over the place when I write...sometimes I'm so filled with the Spirit I can hardly contain myself. Other times I'm so hurt and angered that I don't see God anywhere on the horizon.  But God is using it all for His glory. I can never figure out how He does it, but He does.

Tonight my prayer, as always is for protection and peace. And for my story to help someone...one day I will be there to tell it all.

Homesick

Today has been a great day! It is our first day out of school for the Christmas holiday and the plan was to head to the mall to see Santa. It's pouring rain but when we got to the mall, I got a close up parking spot right in front. Then in the area to see Santa, there was no line. That's right, five days before Christmas and there is no line. Sweet! Off to lunch at a favorite restaurant where once again there is no line, no wait for a table. We even had time for a long afternoon nap.

Even though I couldn't have asked for a better day, something was nagging at me all day. Sort of a heavy feeling hanging over me. Now there are real problems we are dealing with...things between G and his dad aren't great, a friend's mom is battling cancer, business isn't as good as we need it to be, several days ago was the shooting at a school in Connecticut that is still in the back of my mind. But what I was feeling today, wasn't based on any of those things. That just wasn't "it".

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I'm homesick. I'm homesick for a place I've been promised but never been to. I'm homesick for the end to tears and sickness and ready for some real peace. I'm homesick for days spent in joy, not worry or heartache. I'm homesick for heaven.

I can't wait to spend my days praising God. Just strolling through the streets of gold, holding my baby boy's hand, taking in the splendor of Heaven. I just can't wait! 

I am homesick, dear Lord. Come quickly!

With a disclaimer...

If you readers are sensitive, please stop reading now. It's been a tough week and I need to vent. Remember, I warned you.

Letter to "him",
I don't need to address this. You know who you are. You are a cruel, horrible man. You would rather get your way than do what's best for your son. You know what's happening to him. You hear him cry. You hear the hurt in his voice. But you only want your way. You would rather put him in the middle and make him miserable because you know how much I love him. You fight for him because you know it hurts me.

All I can say is that you must be evil. I used to think there is good in everyone. But not you. You are evil to the core. You've proven over and over again the damage you can do. You have abused us (and other people) physically and mentally. Yet for some reason, you always come out on top.

You wonder why your son doesn't want to be around you, yet he has seen you hit women. He's seen you attack them. He's heard your anger. HE HAS WITNESSED IT AND HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU AT ALL...and you can't stand that. You can't stand that he can talk and tell us what you do. And make no mistake, he tells everyone what you do. He even has conversations on the playground about what you do to people.

So you sit back now on your high horse and continue to believe that you will always come out on top. You fool yourself into thinking that it is always someone else's fault. You go take your drugs and wash it down with your alcohol until you convince yourself that you are the victim here.

But I've got news for you. You've sold your soul to the devil and he will take you to the depths of hell where you belong. You don't deserve to be walking around, making everyone afraid. You don't deserve the love of a family, especially this wonderful, sweet boy. You are a disgusting, worthless human being. I'm not sure you even deserve to be called a human being.

I pray every day that God would strike you down..that he would make you suffer as much as you've made us suffer. I want you to feel the pain you've caused your son.  I want you to see the disgust and contempt that people feel for you. Even more, I want you to realize what you've lost. I want you to hurt to the depths of your heart the way those who loved you have hurt. I want you praying to be saved from the horror you feel...then maybe you'll know what it's like. But then I wish for you the most horrible, painful death anyone can image. And I want you to be tortured in hell for all eternity. You don't deserve anything less.

In His Power

Yesterday I had a very informative meeting. I won't bore you with the details, but the lady I met with helped me more in one hour than others have helped me with in weeks. She answered questions for me and helped me understand situations I was unsure of. She gave me hard truths but advise that gave me a lot to think about.

While that sounds like good news, and in many ways it is, the ultimate information is a very hard pill to swallow. It wasn't what I had hoped to hear. I expected some closure, some ultimate change to happen as a result. That wasn't how I left the meeting. I left with a long 'to do' list. I left with much to ponder. I left laughing. I found myself pulling out of the parking lot actually laughing. God had done it again.

God had turned my situation into one that only He can fix. Only He can rectify this. Only God. He does this to me often and you'd think I would be used to it by now. He lets me try to fix things, because I continue to think I can, until I finally realize that it is only His power that will change things.

God lets me spin my wheels. He lets me work and search and try my hardest. I don't think He does it to be mean. He does it to prove to me that in my power, I can't do it. He allows it so I can lean on Him..so I can lean into Him.

While the situation my family is in is definitely not easy, I am grateful for the way God has used it. I literally felt the weight lift off my shoulders when I realized that it was God's battle, not mine. I can't do it, but He can!

He alredy knew

I've been struggling lately with my faith. I have argued with God, tried to pray and ultimately begged Him to show me why. Why did this happen to us? Why would He put an innocent child through this? Why can't we just have peace?

I know my heart has hardened a bit. My prayer life has suffered. I can feel this wall building between myself and God and I'm just not sure what to do about it. My prayers go back and forth..."God we love you...Lord we praise you....Please help us....Why are you allowing this....Why don't you stop this...I am so mad that you aren't doing something....Please help me understand...Please soften my heart....Protect us."

I'm torn. On one hand I am so angry at God that I want to turn my back and never speak to Him again. On the other hand, I am begging Him to protect us because He is the only one who can. I've told Him all of this by the way. I have a feeling He already knew.

But it is amazing the ways He chooses to speak to us...well to me anyway. G was watching a movie the other night in which they were talking about believing in Santa Claus. The character explains that having faith is believing even when you can't see it for yourself. I know the movie was talking about Santa...but God was speaking to my heart about my faith. Or lack thereof.

I'm chewing on this a bit when today we end up at Urgent Care. G's regular pediatrician was full and couldn't take him today so off we went. We waited....and waited....and waited. We waited two and a half hours before we saw the doctor. Yes, you heard me right. Two and a half hours. I can't complain about G. He was incredible. He only asked a few times when it would be our turn. 

Now me, on the other hand, was getting pretty irritated at having to wait so long. I would pray for favor, then get aggravated that we were still sitting there. Is this what I had reduced God to? Please give me what I want or else I'll be mad at you? I heard myself question God again...."What is it that you want me to learn from this?"

At least for today, I have found some comfort. Maybe there is something God wants me to learn from all of this. I'm not sure about the whole picture, but I am sure that He is speaking to me about what I really believe. I don't think He is bothered by my questions or even my anger. I think He is using my own emotions to lead me back to Him.

It was even more clear to me tonight as G looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, " I don't want to go back to Daddy's this week." My heart was broken for him, but at the same time I found myself saying that we should pray about it. We should ask God to help us in this. God had brought us back around full circle. Only God can fix this. Only God. So do I believe He can and will? 

My first instinct in answer to G was to turn to God. It was there in my heart all along. Maybe buried under the hurt and uncertainty of our situation, but it was in my heart. God knew it, I just couldn't see it. I do believe.

In Limbo

I feel like I'm in limbo today.

 To give you some background, last week was really tough. We went to court and I lost my initial case. I can't put in too many details here, but I can tell you that I have a lot of evidence....A LOT. But the judge wouldn't admit much of it. He didn't completely hear my side of the story. The other party won. And my family lost.

I was immediately heartbroken. I had felt that God told me it was my time to act. I wasn't even too nervous about the court date. I had full confidence in my God. I just knew we would win. When the opposite happened, it was like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. My confidence was shattered. I felt let down. I felt cheated. And worst of all, it affected my son gravely. I had to go home and tell him that our prayers had not been answered.

I sent my friends an email telling them what had happened. I admitted my feelings of hurt and anger toward God. I needed them to help me rally. One very wise friend told me that it was ok to be angry with God. She reminded me that He was a big guy and could handle it...plus He already knew my feelings.

Another friend urged me to be angry at the system but to draw closer to God. Honestly, I could feel my heart hardening. I couldn't feel God's hand in this situation. I felt like God took my family to the middle of nowhere and left us there.

Over a week has gone by since that day and I am in limbo. I'm still hurt. I'm unsure of where to go from here. I am afraid to trust God since I've been let down but I'm afraid not to trust Him because He is the only one who can help. It's an awful feeling.

Today, my son wanted to go to church. I had no desire to go. I'm mad at God after all. I don't want to go to His house and worship Him. My heart just isn't in it.  But we did go...and the first prayer of the day by the worship leader spoke of how God is loving us. He spoke of how God is fighting for us, even as we are fighting against ourselves. God pricked my heart with that prayer.

As we left the service and shook hands with the pastor, he told me he'd received my email and would be answering soon. Now, we attend regularly but hadn't officially been introduced. I didn't know that he knew who I was. We had exchanged emails, but I felt a certain anonymity in explaining my situation. After all, I was one of hundreds of parishioners and one who certainly didn't stand out in the crowd. But he did know me, and loved me enough to point out that he had been praying for our situation. God knew I needed to hear that today.

I'm still in limbo..still rattled. Then as I sat down to write this tonight, I looked back at my last post. It was dated exactly one month ago. At that time I was strong enough to fight the enemy and hold up a friend when she couldn't do it herself.

I guess now it's my turn. I'll let someone else hold me up for awhile until I'm strong enough to do it for myself again.

Defeated....

I was chatting to a friend online tonight who presented me with the words, " I feel defeated." Seeing those words come across my computer screen made my heart sink. She has shared with me the struggles she is facing in her life. Both in business and personally, she is having a hard time.

I can imagine her feelings...she is in a valley. The mountaintop seems too high to reach. Sitting at the bottom with head in hand, crying, despairing over what events are transpiring all around her. I can imagine her feelings because I've been there too. Haven't we all? Even as we were talking, we realized that each of us in our immediate group of friends was going through this same season. We each have different events affecting us, but we are all in the valley.

In talking to my sweet friend and in thinking about our "valley" I actually started to get angry. Well first, I cried along with her and felt my heart break too, but then I got mad. She is a daughter of the most High God. I am too. Our friends are followers of Christ. We are on this journey together because of a shared vision we believe was given to us by God Himself. So how dare the enemy think he can load us up with his garbage!

He thinks he can because he is trying to wear us down. He wants us to be tired. He wants us to feel defeated. If we give up, then he has won. Well I have news for him....we are not giving up! When one of us feels defeated, we will hold her up until she regains her strength. We may all be in the valley, but we are here together for a purpose.

I'm reminded of the story of Moses holding the staff up during a battle. The battle was being won as long as he could hold up his arms. Now you know his arms got tired...he was weary....he was drained. In his own strength he couldn't do it anymore. But the men beside him stepped in. They held his arms up for him when he could no longer lift them up. They supported Moses. They didn't leave his side until the battle was won.

So enemy, you listen up. We are NOT giving up. We are NOT giving in. We are here, holding each other up, as long as it takes until this battle is won. We were sent here together for a purpose and we are going to see that purpose come to light. God has blessed it (and us) and we are going to fight every step of the way. We've read the end of the story and we know who wins.

Eavesdropping

I didn't mean to eavesdrop on my son tonight. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I heard him talking in the other room. He was curled up on the bed with one of his lovies. When you press his tummy, he recites a bedtime prayer. G has paid a lot of attention to prayers lately...those we pray together, the one his lovey says, and the ones offered up at lunchtime each day at school.

Tonight I heard him begin by saying the prayer along with his lovey. Then as the lovey stopped talking I clearly heard G on his own....

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer."

Psalm 19:14 flowed out of him so sweetly. We haven't practiced this particular verse or taught it in a devotional. It was part of a prayer a classmate says before lunch. Who knew that when we began this practice at LifeSong that it would be used to influence another heart? Who knew that my heart would be so influenced?

God knew. It was His plan from the beginning. He knew that this would be a stressful season in my life and that I would need this sweet reminder of His hand in my life and the life of my baby. Help me Father each day as I bind my heart to this prayer and let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.

I want this on record...

My last entry was on how hard Friday was. It was hard. But I am here to tell you (and I want this on record) how faithful God is.

After some days of soul searching and giving it all over to God, He has brought our school family together. Every one of the ladies who initially began this journey with us has agreed to continue on...every one! This is amid pay cuts, struggling families and unsure times. Each of us believes in this dream and that God has chosen us for this journey.

I know what it means for me...for my biological family to support me in this venture. But to have those people support and love you through the tough times, when your 'tough time' becomes their 'tough time' is almost beyond comprehension. My heart is overflowing with love and gratitude.

Just as the last member of our school family signed on, we were hit with another blow. I won't go into those details here, but it hit me hard. Then it made me mad. Then I started to laugh.

I'm not losing it (well at least I don't think I am) but it struck me as so funny. The enemy is working overtime trying to stop this dream...this dream that God placed in me so many years ago. It is comical to see the enemy throwing all of this at us when God has already reassured us that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Doesn't he know that he can't win?

So I want this on record; God is planning something HUGE for us....as LifeSong, as teachers, as moms, as followers of Christ. If we weren't meant to do something big for the Kingdom of God, the enemy wouldn't be trying so hard!

I am so excited! I can hardly wait to see God get all of the glory!

Yesterday

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I had meeting after meeting, each of which was worse than the last. I had to hear someone tell me a list of things I'd done wrong. I heard complaints about the way I do things. It made me mad, but also sad.

But the worst part of the day was letting my friends down. I had to tell not only one, but several, that I couldn't follow through on a promise I had made. This promise affected my life and theirs too. It was tough. I felt like I had let them all down.

I am not a person to make promises lightly. I try my very best to follow through on what I say I will do. Now in this situation, it wasn't something that I could help. It was just the situation we are in. But it didn't make me feel any better. I wanted to fix this situation for them, to be able to do for them what I had originally promised.

Fixing things...that's one thing that God deals with me on all the time. I have a hard time letting go and giving it over to God. I want to do what I can. I want to do more than I can. I just want to make everything okay for everyone. God kept trying to tell me that He is in charge and that He take care of everything. At the end of the day yesterday, He took all other options out of my hands. I just have to wait on Him.

While I was mindlessly looking at FaceBook last night, a friend's post hit home. "The Bible never once says 'figure it out,' but over and over again it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it all figured out."  Talk about a punch in the gut. How much clearer could it be?

So I've apologized to God for trying to do His job. I'm praying for this situation but am ultimately waiting on his decision in His timing. I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that knows what's best for me and will stop me in my tracks when I won't listen.

This Season

Today I read my friend J's blog (www.lotsofscotts.blogspot.com) about the joys of just watching your children. She spoke about this season, the only season, in which we will know our kids as children. The rest of their lives we will know them as adults. This gives us a unique chance to know them in this part of their lives.

As I reflected on this, I was saddened. I watched my son tonight act very much like an adult in a situation he shouldn't even be in, much less have to act mature beyond his years. He was talking to his dad on the phone. When his dad said, " I miss you" then G said it too. When his dad said, " I wish you could be here", G said it too. I watched G roll his eyes and make faces as he said these things to his dad. When he hung up the phone, I asked G about it. I couldn't understand the discrepancy I saw in his facial expressions versus the words he was saying. G told me, " I have to say those words to Daddy or he will cry and be sad. If I tell him I don't love him too, he will say 'why baby?' And I don't want to tell him that I don't love him because he is mean to people."

Whoa....here is my 5 year old trying to spare his dad's feelings. He is hiding what he really feels just so his dad won't be hurt. On one hand, I'm proud that he doesn't want to hurt feelings, but on the other hand, I want to him to always be honest with us. And I am crushed that this innocent little heart is having to deal with such hard things.

I am praying that in this season, the only season in which G gets to be a kid, that his burdens will be lifted. I am praying that he gets the chance to be carefree and that his innocence will be protected. And that his little heart learns that he can always lean on his Heavenly Father for anything.

The Power of Praise

I've just finished reading an absolutely life changing book called "The Power of Praise" by Merlyn Carothers.  I've heard about praising God in any circumstance, and I've tried it myself, but this book just hit home with me. If you haven't read it...go get it now!!! (It is an older book, so look it up on Amazon.)

The basis of the book is to praise God for everything. Easier said than done if you ask me. I was continually struggling within myself...how can I praise God for the bad things? A friend has cancer...so I should praise God? We are having financial trouble....praise God for that? My heart is broken....praise now? I was in such turmoil over this. The bible says to praise God but I felt like I was lying when I tried to praise Him in those situations.

In reading this book, something clicked inside me. You have to choose whether or not you believe God's word. That's what it boils down to. The Bible says in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." If you truly believe that then you know God is working out your life for your good. Although it might not be the thing we are asking for, it might not be what we are hoping for....God is working it out for our good, and His glory.

So do I believe that verse? I thought I did before but I also thought that the enemy was pushing so hard against me that he was somehow making these bad things happen in my life. I prayed against the enemy, I fought against the enemy, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. What I didn't really think about was the fact that God was sovereign.

I had to go back and re-evaluate my beliefs about God. If He is sovereign, then He allows (or doesn't allow) certain things in my life. Maybe they do come from the enemy, but God allows it. That was a hard concept for me to comprehend.

And then there were my emotions....my heart was broken at the thought of my loving Father allowing something "bad" to come into my life. Why would He do that to me? When I say I struggled, I mean I STRUGGLED with it. But in reading this book, so many examples were given when the person involved might not have believed at first but decided just to give it a try. The things that happened as a result of praise...well, you need to read the book!

So I tried it. My prayers mostly went like this.."God, I praise You. I don't know why You are allowing this, but I am praising You anyway. Please help my emotions to catch up with scripture." At first I felt stupid. My head and heart were at war with each other.  But each day as I praised, I felt more at peace.

One morning I was praying for our school. We have not had the enrollment that we had hoped for although we are certain that this is the place God has for us. So I gave it to God. I told Him that I was praising Him for this situation, even though I didn't understand it. But I was being obedient and praising Him.  When I got to school, our day began just like many others. But about an hour into the day, we had not ONE, but TWO children enroll..and the promise of a third! Can you believe that? I started telling all of the ladies I work with about my prayers that day.  So I have seen it for myself that it works.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are hard things out there that will be more challenging to praise God for. I'm going through one such situation right now. But I am trying my hardest to praise Him for all of it. He is the one in charge and I owe my very life to Him. I will  continue to believe the promises God lays out for us in the Bible and put my emotions aside...PRAISE GOD!!

What is going on?

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately. It might all stem from G's 5th birthday. That's right, my once - upon -a -time 2 1/2 pound preemie is now 5 years old. Every year at his birthday I get sentimental about how fast he is growing up. He's started reading recently...great news, but a sure sign that he won't stay my baby forever!

A few days ago, a parent at a school where I used to teach lost her battle with cancer. She left behind two young children. She was a godly woman, upheld by so many prayer warriors. Now what happens to her kids she left on earth until they meet again in heaven?

After many, many weeks of not going to visit his dad, G might be going back next weekend. He is not wanting to go. He gets nervous just talking about it. Each night I have to convince him to even talk on the phone to his dad. He is just not interested in having this man in his life. Hurts my heart to see him this way.

Our new school has a great staff and great kids but we are not enrolling students like I thought we would be by now. It scares me. Surely God didn't bring us here just to fail. He moved too many mountains to get us here. My heart wants so badly to trust Him, but my head looks at the numbers and worries.

So what is going on? Good and bad. Happy and sad. Up and down. The roller coaster ride is starting to make me uncomfortable. I heard someone say that you shouldn't ask God for easy days...those aren't promised to us. But instead ask for strength for the battle. He will deliver that.

So God, I'm asking for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. I'm asking for clear direction, honesty and truth in my life. I'm asking for protection, supplication and love. You are the only one who can steady my emotions and this ride I'm on.

My King

We had every reason not to go to church this morning. We'd been up late two nights in a row, we had a jam packed day yesterday, we didn't have our "church clothes" ready....we were flat out tired. But last night as I went to sleep, I felt God nudging me. This morning when I woke up, I knew we just had to go.

When we got to church and settled in the pew, I pulled out a prayer request card and began writing the same request I've had for the last 4 years. Separation. I had it ready to go into the offering plate that was usually passed around near the beginning of the service. But God had something else in mind.

For starters, the offering wasn't taken at the beginning of the service, but at then end. Then, the praise team only sang one song before Pastor Mark began his sermon. God grabbed me at the first words out of Pastor Mark's mouth and didn't let me go .

Today's sermon was called "A View to a Parade". It was based on John 12:12-27. There are several points Pastor Mark made today but the one that hit home with me was the one he shared from personal experience. His brother was killed by a driver under the influence in a car crash a number of years ago. Pastor Mark said he didn't understand why it happened. He didn't know God's reasoning for it.

"Most of the time I don't understand what the dude is doing!," he said about God. But he pointed out that his life is not based on understanding. It is based on God's Kingship in his life. He said that his King has always shown up with what he needed to get him through.

God spoke to me so clearly when that altar call was given. I have prayed for division. I have begged for separation. I still believe that it is the right thing for my son and our family. My heart longs for the day when my son will be free of this huge burden. But it is not ultimately my decision. I'm with Mark...most of the time I don't understand what God is doing. But I don't have to. I just have to trust Him. I have to allow Him to rule and reign in all the areas in my life.

So G and I went to the altar to pray. We took that prayer request I had written down with us. There was a woman there named Jo who met with us to pray. I'm not sure I adequately conveyed to her why I was there, but I know that I was obedient to the Lord. I tore up that request. I laid it at the feet of Jesus and asked Him to take it. I asked Him to reign over it and the rest of my life.
I know my King will show up with what I need to get me (and G) through this.

Pastor Mark said that the first time Jesus came, He came on a donkey. This symbolizes a beast of burden. God came that way so we could identify with Him. The next time He will come on a white horse of victory. I am looking toward that day when all burdens will be over. Until then, I will put my troubles on that donkey and send them off with my King....and I will wait to see that beautiful white horse coming back for my family with Jesus at the reins!

You Did It Again

I am angry. You did it again...surpassed me in my parenting authority and went to the child instead. Asked our son if he could meet you....didn't ask me first. We talked about this before. I am the parent. You clear things with me first. Don't put our son in the middle. But you did it anyway.

Why? Do you want to hurt him? Do you care about him at all? Don't you see how confused he gets? He has to be coerced into even talking to you on the phone. He doesn't want to visit unless his cousin is there. Haven't you seen the fear in his eyes or hear it in his voice?

No, I guess you don't see it. You don't hear it. Because you don't know him at all. You use him to show off from time to time. You want people to see you as a good father who got the raw end of the deal.

But the truth is that you treated us badly. You had your chance to do right by us. But you made other choices. Now you are probably regretting that since your "others" have now left you also. Don't you understand that the problems lie within you and not the rest of us? No, you probably don't see that either. You would rather live as the victim than to take responsibility for the wrongs you've created.

Now you are sick. And you think we will feel badly for you. You think that because you are alone again that we will forget the past. Let's set the record straight...I will not feel badly for you. I will not forget the hell you have put our family through. I will not forget the fear you've instilled in me. I will not forget the tears our son has cried over you. I will not forget the terror he has endured at your hands and feet. I will always remember the monster that is inside you.

I have asked God to help me control my emotions. I have asked Him to help me forgive you. I have asked God for help in how to explain the things you do to my little boy who does not understand why he is constantly subjected to you.

I remember God is in control. I know He has promised me "beauty for ashes". I am holding on to that promise, and many others as I struggle to live day to day with this arc of emotions. I am pleading the blood of Jesus Christ over my son, that he is safe and protected...and that he will not have to deal with one more day of your insanity.

I know God will deliver us.

To God be the Glory

Back in December I wrote about some exciting news...news that I can now share with you! In January, some friends and myself bought a school!!!

I have to lay the events out for you because the glory in this completely belongs to God. He alone gave us this gift. In November, the director at the school where I was teaching gave her resignation. Now this lady was hands down the best boss I've ever had. I'm privileged to also call her my friend. Her boss, the owner of the school, is someone who is very, very hard to work for. I will spare you the details except to say that the staff bonded even more when we found out she would take over as director.

The day our director tended her resignation, a group of us met to sort out the details. What would we do without her? We were angry at the situation and looking for some sort of direction. We basically spoke out in anger that "we should just open our own school and do it right!!"

I went home that weekend and did a google search of 'Montessori schools for sale in GA'. The first listing was of a small school in a town about 20 minutes from where I live. I went up to peek through the windows on a Sunday when the school was closed. It was beautiful. I got very, very excited!

Now anyone who has tried to buy a house or business knows that most of these things take time. I was not prepared for just how quickly God was going to answer this prayer. We began this project in earnest in December and by mid January, we had purchased the school. By February 1 I was not only a teacher at the new school, but the Head of School!

God provided us with a school that had been in operation for 30 years, had classrooms full of students, was fully staffed and equipped and was much closer to my home. On top of that, He has allowed many of my friends to partner with me and join us at this school. We are able to expand and grow the school right away. In fact, next week we will have our ribbon cutting ceremony and first open house!

God put this dream in my heart so many years ago. But I thought it was just that...a dream. I could never have imagined how He would bless me with this amazing opportunity. To know that I am building this school for not only myself and my son, but for His glory....it is almost beyond words.