Testimony

I had a sweet friend text me tonight. She had read my blog a few days back and offered me some advice. She was worried about me and the anger I had expressed. (Thanks TP for thinking of me and stepping out to say so!!)

I have to be honest in saying that it got me to thinking. I do put this blog out there for all to see, even though most times I don't expect anyone to read it. Sometimes I write things for G to see later on in life. Sometimes I write things down so I don't forget. Most of the time I use this site to vent and to let out my emotions.

I definitely don't want to censor my thoughts and feelings. I need the outlet. But tonight my thoughts turned to my testimony. Some of the posts on this site are harsh. I know it. There are words that I could only say in the anonymity of the internet. But I don't want to ruin my testimony because I chose to say something crass.

So let me be clear...I'm struggling here just like everyone else. I have good days and bad. I've been through LOTS of things in my life. Part of my testimony is ugly. Most of my testimony is ugly. But I know that God is with me in this.

I get mad at Him. I yell and scream and question what is going on. I demand answers from Him like a spoiled toddler. I cry and beg and plead my case. I apologize and cry some more.  When it comes right down to it though, I ask Him for wisdom. I ask Him to lead me. I ask Him to protect us and love us. I just ask for Him to be with us always. That's how I make it through. Because I know amid all the fits and rage and hurt and pain, He is with us. He supplies me with what I need to get through the tough times and come out on the other side where I can see His hand.

Not many people know this about me, but I believe God gave me a vision of my life. He gave me a vision in which I am speaking to large groups of women about what I've been through. It's funny because if you know me, you know it petrifies me to stand up in front of a group to talk. So this is not something I would choose for myself.  Every now and then, I'm reminded of that vision and realize that God keeps adding to my story. I'm meant to tell it someday.

So friends, if you do read this blog, please take heart. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I know I am all over the place when I write...sometimes I'm so filled with the Spirit I can hardly contain myself. Other times I'm so hurt and angered that I don't see God anywhere on the horizon.  But God is using it all for His glory. I can never figure out how He does it, but He does.

Tonight my prayer, as always is for protection and peace. And for my story to help someone...one day I will be there to tell it all.