One Proud Mama

Today was our second trip to the dentist. The first was back in the summer. It was very scary for G. Although we had "played dentist" a lot, the experience was pretty hard on him. He only had a general cleaning but he screamed his way through it.

This time was different...he still cried a little but made it through holding my hand and talking to both the hygienist and dentist. He even asked the hygienist for a mask to play with at home (on his own..without prompting from me!)

But for me, the best part of the visit was actually spent in the waiting room. This room is totally geared for the kids with a hug ship to climb on, video games to play and several movies to watch. The room is loud, crowded and overwhelming to me....and to most autistic kids. Today, G took it all in stride. He wasted no time in playing on the ship, climbing up and down the stairs.

At one point, a girl about a year younger than G played near him. She was an adorable girl with ponytails, blue ribbons and cheeks you want to pinch. G wanted to get his hands on her so badly! I saw him rush up to her, get really close to her face and then clench his fists by his sides. Truthfully, it scared her a bit but I knew he was really trying hard to control himself. (Normally he wouldn't have been able to resist such a cutie and would either have grabbed her for a hug or squeezed her too hard.) She didn't hang around much to see what was going to happen but I was so proud of him.

Next came in a guy a bit closer to his age. They actually began playing together. Together. No parallel play, not chasing another child around, but playing together! G asked the boy his name and carried on a short conversation with him. My heart was thrilled to watch.

The woman sitting next to me watching the interaction (her child was a teen and not involved in the play with my son) commented on how cute he was. I thanked her and she went on to joke that she would be glad to babysit him anytime, he had been so polite and kind to the other boy. Tears came to my eyes when I thanked her again and explained to her that he is autistic and it had been a long road to get here. She looked so surprised and shook her head. She said she would never have known, she just thought he was well mannered and sweet. She also told me to keep doing what I've been doing because he is incredible.

Of course, I had to agree. I think he's pretty incredible too.

Thank you God, for sending someone my way to encourage me when I didn't even realize I needed it! Thank you for opening my eyes to the progress G has made. Thank you Lord for using the ordinary to point out the extraordinary to me. Please bless the woman in the waiting room for sharing her thoughts with me.

Deliverance

I have tons of thoughts rambling through my mind today. Good ones, bad ones, in between ones. My heart is burdened and heavy but at the same time I am hopeful and anxious for a miracle. I think I am full of just about every possible emotion a person can have.

I'm hurt, scared, saddened, mad, terrified, angry, nervous, jittery....at one situation and one person who continues to burden my existence. Burden is too light of a word. This person has ruined my self esteem, confused my son, come up with new vulgar terms for me, scared me into shaking, infuriated me into high blood pressure and occupies most of my waking thoughts. This person has even managed to move into my dreams at night. This person has made it nearly impossible to live an ordinary life of peace. Even a trip in the neighborhood has to be thought out thoroughly before acting on it.

So what do I do? All I can do is reach out to others to pray for us. Pray for our peace. Pray for our hearts to calm. Pray for our confusion to clear. Pray for the hurt to go away. Pray for the shaking to stop. Pray for the terror to end.

I remember hearing that Jesus felt every human emotion we experience. I know he was persecuted, tormented and despised. I know He knows what I am feeling. I also know He is the one who can end this, who can return our lives to normal, who can give my son a chance to grow up facing everyday challenges- not heart stopping fear that no child should have to face. I know that I will continue to bombard Him with pleas for help. I know He does not intend for His children to suffer. I know these things.

Yet my heart continues to be heavy. My mind stays full of the possibilities...for both the best and worst outcomes. My smile fades and tears fill my eyes.

I don't understand this situation. I don't know why my God - who can do all, be all, accomplish all- isn't moving in here. I don't know why He is allowing this abuse to continue. I don't understand. I don't understand. Sometimes I think if He would just give me a glimpse to the end result, it might be easier to bear in the meantime. Maybe.

Then I feel guilty because I am questioning the Almighty. It is His plan. It is not mine. I would not choose this path. I have about a million ways to fix this if He would listen to me...not that He needs my help at all.

So I will do what I know to do..pray, pray, pray, PRAY. I'll keep begging God. I'll be like the woman in the Bible who kept hounding the judge to help her. I'll keep doing it, day and night until this is over.

Would you help me too? One simple word is our mantra...Deliverance. Deliverance. Deliverance.

More lessons

It seems that this season is all about lessons....God is using my little man to show me so much. I have written before about the path that is along the back portion of our property. Not to paint the wrong image....it is very short, very accessible and quite close to the house. But from a three year old's eye, it is magical.

My son is limited in his freedoms. He is only three, impulsive and autistic. We face a lot of challenges in this area so when he has the opportunity to do things "alone" they are a very big deal for him. Part of this freedom has come in the form of the path.

He loves, loves, loves the battery powered John Deere tractor he has and will ride it until the battery is drained. We've recently decided to let him ride it on the path alone. Now there is one point on which an adult can stand and see down the hill to where the path is. Every part of the path is visible if you are standing in that particular point (my son calls it 'the mountain') but if you are on the path, it is quite easy to feel that you are alone.

My son was recently riding on that path 'alone' as I stood on the 'mountain' to watch. He waved at first, smiling from ear to ear as he drove along. After a bit, he continued to wave in my general direction but you could tell he couldn't really see me anymore. When he reached the end, he saw me again and asked me where I had been. I showed him that I hadn't moved at all from my original post.

Do you see where this is going? God uses the simple things to make a point to me. HE never leaves His post. He is always watching. He is always looking out for us. I might not think I can see Him, or I catch a glimpse of Him if I really look, but He is really always there. It is often me questioning God as to where He went. He reassures me that He never left.

Even as I write this, God shows me more than one lesson....a learning time for myself and a teachable moment to share with my son. Thank you Father for taking the time to show me these lessons and for never giving up on me.

Lessons from the path

We have a path along the back edge of our property. It winds through the woods and although it is not really very far away, it gives you the appearance you are quite a distance from the house. This afternoon my son and I were walking on the path as we enjoyed the fall leaves.

He is running ahead of me, moving as quickly as he can. I spot some birds gathered together for an afternoon snack. When I call out to him to look, he is too busy moving ahead to stop and see what I want to show him.

I hear my Heavenly Father speaking to my heart....how many times have I moved to quickly, rushing to get to my destination when God was trying to show me something beautiful or interesting? How many times did I miss the joy in the moment? Not only how many times, but exactly WHAT did I miss? Thank you Father for reminding me to slow down, to look for Your hand in my life and to enjoy the goodness You created for me.

Lessons from the swing

This week my son and I were swinging. He wants so badly to push the empty swing to see it fly though the air, but forgets that it also returns with force. Often, he gets hit with the swing or knocked down.

This time, I had my hand outstretched above him and each time the swing came back I slowed it down so he could catch it instead of having it hit him. He pushed the swing several times before he slowly tilted his head back and realized my hand was there. He grinned up at me with a huge smile and ran off to play.

It gave me a glimpse of how God has His hand outstretched over us. For the times when I am pushing so hard that the return will surely knock me to the ground, my God stretches out His hand to protect me. I am ever grateful to my loving God who loves me.

Storms

Our pastor today preached on storms...why they come, how to deal with them, and where God is when they are happening. I've chewed on a few ideas he presented and wanted to write them down so I don't forget.

1. Even if we can't see God in the storm, He is there. Even though in the middle of the storm, we want to crawl for cover and hide, that is the time we should be crying out to God. When the storm raged outside the boat Jesus was sleeping in, the disciples called out to Him for help. He was WITH them in the storm. Then He calmed the storm. Sometimes all God is waiting for is for us to ask for help.

2. God doesn't condemn us for the doubt we have during the storm. When Simon Peter walked with Jesus on the water and then started to sink, God didn't chastise him for his moment of fear. He didn't let Simon Peter sink. He didn't wait for him to bob up and down five times before rescuing him. He simply encouraged his faith. God doesn't want us to get bogged down in the doubt or fear, He wants us to use it to draw closer to Him.

3. During the storms, there is always someone else in your boat. There wasn't just one disciple in the boat during the storm. It was full of folks in the storm together. God wants us to rely on each other for encouragement during the tough times.

4. If we are believers, we have to remember that God knows exactly how much we can handle. He knows us better than we know ourselves. If I really, really believe God is who He says He is then I should know that God is in complete control. He will give me what I need, when I need it. No storm is bigger than God.

Lord, help me remember to lean on You, to trust You in everything and believe without doubt. And if I slip, I thank you for Your mercy that You will encourage me instead of chastising me. Thank You for loving me.

The Way He Works

All I can say is "Wow". The way He works always astounds me. I know I've written about my new job before but I just had to again.

When I was praying for a job, I had a list of criteria. It was pretty specific. The main thing was that it be a Christian environment for myself and my son. In my mind, there was a Christian school that I thought would be perfect. I still think it's an awesome school, just not the one God was sending us to. The school we joined is not Christian in nature, but the people there definitely are. I have never been welcomed so wholeheartedly. Meeting parents whose first inclination is not to shake you hand, but to hug you. Staff members whom you've only spoken to a handful of times, grab you up and ask how your first day was. I walked in the door feeling like this place was full of family.

God had the plan all along. It wasn't where I thought He was leading us, but boy am I glad He did. I know there will be challenges here, just like anywhere else but we are off to a great start. I am amazed at the way He works.

Thank you Father for showing me your love...in more ways than one.

It's a Battlefield, Not a Bed of Roses

It's a battlefield, not a bed of roses...that was a line from today's devotional. Hits home with me. I want things to go smoothly, I don't want to fight my way through life. But between this devotional and a message I recently heard, I'm remembering that we are at war with the enemy. He is trying to destroy us. Everyday. All the time. He doesn't let up.

So if he doesn't let up, neither should we. And thankfully, we aren't in this alone. God is always there, giving us what we need to do our part. Then He handles the rest!

In the message I heard, the speaker said that quoting scripture out loud is the surefire way to put angels in motion on our behalf. I want to remember that because I want all the support on my side that I can get. It prods me to memorize more scripture so I can bring it to mind when I need it most.

God has also provided me fellow soldiers to help me along the way. With this new job came a new teaching assistant. I have only been around her a handful of times, but I believe her to be an upstanding person of God. She has dealt with a special needs child too, faced her share of losses, and is still smiling and cracking jokes. She has been described by everyone as "kind and sweet". What a fantastic lady to spend each day with.

Thank you God for sending a message through speakers, devotionals, and fellow soldiers. Thank you for preparing us for the battle...and arming us with the knowledge that Your army WINS!!

Anger

So I'm exchanging visitation of my son with my ex this morning...and sure enough, he starts a "discussion". It didn't turn into an argument because I called him out on doing it in front of G before he got too heated. He threatened calling the judge, reciting his version of his parental rights, and his version of past events. You understand that I say 'his version' because he seems to put a spin on things so that it looks like he is always the injured party. He apparently can't read the rules very well, or chooses to block out the parts that pertain to him, because they are written in black and white to be followed.

During this exchange, G's holding on to me for dear life. G is nervous. I am sweating. I'm sure our blood pressure was sky high. His anger scares me. It really, really scares me.

After coming home and calming down a bit, I pray for God to protect G. And thank Him for his protection this morning. Then I read my devotional.....it's about loving people like Jesus does.
It talks about how people are hurting. It talks about the good Samaritan and how he didn't pass by but stopped to help. It mentions that left to our own devices, we would act more like the Pharisees than like the Samaritan. The prayer at the bottom of the devotional says," Lord make me sensitive to the needs, the cares, the concerns, the hurts and the spiritual condition of those I come in contact with today."

The part about 'spiritual condition' hit home with me. My ex is an angry person. His spirit can't be in a good place and harbor that anger at the same time. Especially when he is angry at so much. It's just not this one thing that sets him off. I am upset with him, I won't hide that fact. But it reminded me to pray for him. I needed that reminder for his benefit as well as mine.

I don't want to have that kind of anger in my spirit either. I want to let go of it so I can be at peace. I pray the same for him as well.

Thank you God for reminding me when I forget, protecting me when I'm afraid, and for saving me when I was lost. I love you Lord.

Job search

I haven't written in a few weeks...it seems that all of the resumes I've sent out are finally doing the trick! Of course, a bit before the school term starts and principals are scrambling to find teachers. For me, it's been a flurry of phone calls, email and job interviews.

I was offered several positions, some closer to home than others. I've prayed all along for guidance as to which job to take. I was praying this even before I had a real offer. I just tried to trust that God would send me a job. And this year, it was more than just a job for me. It is the beginning of a school career for G as well.

So it came down to two main choices. School 1 was closer to home, not as much money, but had the ability to keep G's medicaid. The school has a great reputation, is Christian in nature,would pay G's tuition in full and is really the one I initially wanted to work at even though they repeatedly told me they didn't have a position to offer me.

School 2 was farther away, great money, but so much money that G's medicaid might be cancelled. I already have a friend working at this school, the tuition is offered at half price, it is true Montessori, and I can work the school term and have time off with G.

So it was a hard choice. And I had to decide fast. I was mulling over the options with my parents who are my sounding board. The hardest part was the medicaid. School 2 offers insurance, but it doesn't look like the company will cover G's specific diagnosis. Hard to tell exactly until I sign up. Again, very hard choice.

I was about to bang my head against the wall making this decision when I heard in my spirit, " I will take care of you."

That phrase resonated within me several more times. "I will take care of you."

At once, I had peace. School 2 was it. God would take care of us. I immediately went upstairs to accept the offer. Monday morning I go in to finalize all the details and sign my contract.

Now I don't agree with chain letters but I also don't think it was coincidence that as I was emailing my response to school 2, a friend sent me a text message that read "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. " This friend had no idea that I was searching for a job or had any inclination that I was mid-decision.

God continues to amaze me. How He can speak to my spirit so clearly, grant me peace immediately and then send that little something extra just to let me know it was Him....thank you precious Lord for loving and caring for me. I will do my best to honor You in all I do.

Article

My sweet friend M sent me a message on Facebook the other day and told me I should get the July 2010 issue of Ladies' Home Journal. There was an article in it about a mom of an Autistic child (called "Accepting Ethan"). If you are the parent of a special needs child, it's a good read. It's got some really good points.

The article is basically about the mom hoping for a cure for her son's Autism so long and hard that she lost sight of other things. She decided one day to focus on the progress he was making, instead of setting goal after goal after goal in the hopes he would one day not have the disease anymore.

I could really relate here. I have prayed every day for G's Autism to be gone. I don't think it's fair for him, or any child, to have extra difficulties placed on them. Life is hard enough. While reading this article won't stop my prayer (because I serve a God who is the Great and Mighty Healer and He can choose to heal G at any time!!!!) it will help me to look more at his progress.

My guy can dress himself, mostly without help. He can brush his teeth, although he'd rather skip it. He can peddle a tricycle. He is learning to read three-letter words. He smiles and laughs daily, and I hear "I love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my Mommy you'll be" more times in a day than I can count. He is doing great.

To quote the article, " I've also learned that at a certain point fighting the autism begins to feel more like fighting your child". OUCH! I'm guilty of days of pushing....just one more try...maybe he will get it this time...ok, then just one more time...next time for sure. G pushing back, trying to tell me in his own way that he has had enough.

I'm not advocating that we give up. Not at all. G personally needs repetition. It is how he learns. But I have found myself pushing harder than might have been necessary. The guilt seems to follow you if you push too hard or not hard enough.

But it also says, "....I do wish I'd understood sooner the battle was not an all-or-nothing one. I wish I'd learned earlier to see and celebrate the small victories when they came instead of holding my breath for bigger ones."

We are fortunate. We are seeing victories. Probably more than many others. And I am grateful.

For today, I will thank God for the victory...large and small. I will pray that there is a cure for this disease and others like it. But also that I keep a proper perspective for G's achievements. He is God's creation after all. And He has loaned me His wonderful creation while we are here on earth. Thank you, Father God. I am honored.

II Corinthians

I'm having a rough time today. I woke up this morning to my baby telling me some of the things he did at his visit to his dad's house last weekend. One of which included a ride on the motorcycle to the gas station. He held on to the "clock" while they rode. My guy is barely three years old, has a fear of loud noises and doesn't always do well with following directions. So picturing him riding in front of my ex-husband, holding onto the gauges, no seat belt obviously, and no way to hold onto him and steer at the same time, probably no helmet....my blood ran cold.

First I cried, then I got mad, then I cried some more. Who does this man think he is that he can take such chances with my baby??? My baby that has struggled more than his fair share already....to put him in unnecessary danger, I don't even understand it. To know that he has fears of loud noises, but choosing to make him ride on a very loud motorcycle. Why? My guy already scared to visit each time, why push him more and more? The only reason I can even come up with is that my ex is incredibly selfish. Will he ever realize that his son's needs should come before his own wants?

This is only one of the things that are bothering me. I've had to turn him over to Child Support Enforcement. He's a violent man. I had to choose between never getting what he owes us or turning him in and hoping he doesn't snap. I've let the money go as long as I can, but with no job offers on the horizon, I finally took action. I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for his retaliation.

I'm trying to pray about all of this. I'm trying. I just can't even find the words to pray sometimes. I pray 'age appropriate' prayers with G because my personal prayers are more than he could handle. But last night, he prayed "God keep us safe" without any prompting from me. Amazing.

Today my devotional was entitled "Keep Fighting". It focused on II Corinthians 4..."We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken."

Later in the passage it reads, "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

Please pray for us as we face this hurdle. Help us pray for a miracle. Petition God on our behalf. Pray that I can look for the celebration ahead that this passage speaks of. I'm tired of feeling like we are barely holding our heads above water. I am ready for us to be safe on a boat! Pray that God will keep us safe, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

My Birthday

My birthday is coming up in a few days. My age? This year is the big 37! Wasn't it just yesterday that I was twenty-something?

I meet other women who are my age and they seem to know so much more than me. They seem to have it together. They are grown ups. Am I?

I've taught school for over fifteen years. I've conferenced with numerous parents and given out my 'two cents' based on their children's school performance. Don't want to toot my own horn, but I love my job and think I'm pretty good at it.

Then my darling G was born in 2007. I found myself at square one again. Everything was new, I had to learn how to take care of an infant in the day to day world. I balanced a job and motherhood in the middle of a divorce. (CRASH COURSE!!)

I think I've regained my footing a bit. I'm striving to be a good mom, balanced with furthering my education and on the job search again. I think I'm doing ok. I have felt a bit out of sorts as an older mom. G wasn't born until I was almost 34 and he is my only child. In this day and age, many moms began having children much earlier than me. So I find myself in an odd place. Friends my age generally have older children, G's friends generally have younger moms.

Since G was born, I find myself asking for advice on how to raise him, rather than offering advice as I did as a teacher. But last week, G's therapist (who has an almost two year old daughter) asked my advice on potty training. It's amazing how one question can make the planets in my world line up just right!

I don't want to sound like I know all the answers....far, far from it. But it was nice to be asked for help again. It was nice to be needed. It was nice to be able to pass on some things that helped me when I was in the same situation. Weird how the little things can make you feel whole.

I am extremely grateful for all the help I have received. Thank you to all of you...my mom, my friends, G's therapists....who have been so kind to listen as I mull over child raising; hoping and praying I'm doing it right! And I thank God for lining up all of you at just the right place and time in my life.

This year, as my birthday approaches, I'll blow out the candles with a wish for more. More of this fantastic life!

Cancer

I was reading a blog I follow tonight. A link in the upper right hand corner led me to a Caring Bridge site of a family I've never met. Theirs was the story of their five year old daughter's battle with brain cancer.

A dear friend of mine went through months and months of chemo during his cancer treatment.

Another friend is now battling breast cancer.

My uncle lost his battle with lung cancer this month.

We have had our share of battles, our days when G was very sick. But we have not dealt with cancer in our immediate family. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I don't think I can say it enough.

I am holding fast to Psalm 91 that says "Fear nothing....not disease that prowls through darkness.....no harm will even graze you." I am holding fast that this psalm represents reality for our family.

I also pray for those who have been hit so hard with this wicked disease. I pray "Make up for the bad times with some good times; we've seen enough evil to last a lifetime". (Psalm 90, MSG)
Lift them up O Lord. Heal them my Father. Touch them this very minute. And continue to spare us.

A few funnies

G has said some cute things lately and I wanted to be sure to write them down before I forgot!

G has a small scrape on his ankle. It isn't healing too well so a few nights ago, he slept all night with the band-aid on. During breakfast, Nana was asking about it...does it hurt?...did we put medicine on it?....and lastly, where is the boo-boo? G's answer was "under the band-aid". ( If I remember correctly, Nana' s return to that answer was first laughter and then under her breath she mumbled that if he has that kind of smarty-pants answer in a few years............)

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My dad is very, very Southern. Lots of his wording has a definite drawl to it. G and Pop were talking and Pop mentioned "over yonder". G thought very seriously about the term. Then he got up, went over to the other side of the room and pointed, "Is that over yonder?"

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I wish I had a tape recorder most of the time so I could capture the things G says. Most of the time he isn't trying to solicit a laugh. He is just being himself. That is probably what makes it special. That's just my sweetheart.

Lately, he has taken to praying on his own before bedtime. He has some general prayers, and ones he's heard me pray often so he repeats them. A few nights ago, he sounded a bit like a preacher as he emphasized "Dear God" and "O Lord" in his words. Coming from a guy who usually just starts with "Dear Jesus" and ends with "AMEN", this was cute and touching at the same time. I might just have to break out the tape recorder!

Avid reader

I'm an avid reader. I read all kinds of things from fiction to auto-biographies. I choose not to spend much money on books because I go through them so quickly. I like to fold down the pages instead of using a bookmark. I like to underline a passage that speaks to me. Lately I've taken to the local thrift stores to find my reads.

I don't spend a lot of time choosing books. I generally read the book jacket and if it sounds interesting, I buy it. At about a buck each, I can afford to reject a book once I get it home if it's not a good fit for me.

I prefer books that don't use foul language, aren't full of blood and guts, or contain graphic sex. But the truth is, you can't always tell right away if the book is going to be what you thought it was. I've been a few chapters into a book only to realize it was falling below my standards. Those books are donated, sold or recycled without me finishing them.

On my last trip to the thrift store, I was tired at the end of a day of errands and I ran in quickly just to pick up a couple of books to read in the coming days. I spent even less time than usual leafing through pages. I picked up 4 books, and left for home.

Amazingly, the first two books are written from a Christian perspective. (I haven't opened the last two yet).The first is about a singles church retreat, and the second begins with thanking God for salvation. What are the chances that out of all the books for sale, I ended up with the ones that were appropriate for me to read?

I didn't pray for certain books that day. I didn't ask God to lead me to a particular area of the store. God did it anyway. Without me even being aware, God chose for me a way to relax and unwind without compromising my values. I am thankful to my God who loves me enough to help me in ways I don't think to ask for.

Dear God, please continue to guide my life. "Direct my steps by your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me". (Psalm 119:133) Thank you for loving me so much!

Swimming

For the last five days, my son has taken swimming lessons. For the last three, I've been in the pool with him. Probably normal to some. For me, I had to tackle my fear of the water.

I know he has a fear of water, hates getting his head wet, can't even enjoy the bathtub most of the time. But I also know what it is like to grow up in a world where your friends invite you to go swimming, but you can't. When your buddies want to go out on the lake in the boat, and you are petrified. Where the thought of driving over that bridge brings on images of drowning. Can you tell I don't like the water much either?

This summer, I thought G should at least try to get in the pool. I decided on private lessons where the instructor could focus on him and help him through it. Day one was all tears. Was Mom leaving? Do I have to get my face wet? Are you going to let me go?

Day two was a bit better but I ended up sitting on the edge of the pool, closer to the action, giving encouragement while staying dry. At the end of the second session the instructor gently mentioned that I was invited in as well if it made G more comfortable. All I could say to her was that I was afraid I'd pass my fears on to him.

But day three arrived and I was in my swimsuit also. G and I went in about twenty minutes before the start of the lesson to get acclimated to the water. He was shaking, teeth chattering and I was putting my brave face on as we tried to blow bubbles like Ms. Sam had shown us.

On day four, we were both so busy, neither one of us had time to be scared. Ms. Sam had G floating, kicking, climbing...all the while showing me how to support him so we can practice on our own. I was in the deeper end of the pool before I knew it. Granted, it was only 4 1/2 feet deep, but for someone who is only 5'4 and scared of the water, this was HUGE.

On day five, Nana and Papa came to take some pictures. My little ham was all smiles. This guy even went under the water a few times. He was fantastic! He left the pool saying " I love swimming lessons".

The money ran out or else we would be continuing on with further lessons with Ms. Sam. (As a side note, this lady was outstanding. She was just assigned to us but it couldn't have been a better match. She acknowledged G's fears and encouraged him in a way I have not seen anyone else do. Thank you so much Ms. Sam. You are a God-send!) We don't live in a subdivision and don't have regular access to a pool but you can bet we will be scoping one out to keep up with what we've learned.

It was amazing to me how quickly G learned to face his fears. I wish I could be more like him. I've taken lessons several times in my life, even as an adult, but this is one thing I can't seem to get past. It's ok though. We were sure to pray each night about swimming and each day on the way to the pool. We prayed for peace and for all fear to be taken away. I hope G learned two important lessons...how to swim and that God does answer our prayers.

As I reflect on this past week, I also thank God for showing me G's strength. I feel privileged to know such an awesome man-in-the-making. It's amazing to admire your child.

Dentist search

This week we have been on the search for a dentist for my son. I've put it off for awhile, but it is definitely time for him to have his teeth cleaned. My son's only insurance is Medicaid. It is fantastic insurance, we don't pay for anything out of pocket most of the time, but it is sometimes hard to find doctors who accept it.

A friend recommended a particular dentist in town so I tried there first. They didn't accept Medicaid. I tried another office who informed me that they didn't see children until age 4 (contrary to what everyone else has said). As a last ditch effort, I called one of the dentists listed on a local billboard. Not the way I want to pick a health care provider, but I was getting desperate.

When I called with my list of questions...do you accept new patients?...do you accept Medicaid?...is my son age appropriate for a visit?....I spoke to THE nicest woman on the face of the earth. She spoke to me like I was the one and only client she had, and had all the time in the world to talk. She asked me questions in return and I even learned she has two nephews with Autism and she understood clearly some of my concerns.

It turns out that this office has multi-patient rooms for those who need to be around other kids as well as single-patient rooms for those who get stressed out in groups. She made the appointment for me and even asked if my son was the type who was bothered by waiting if the staff were a bit behind. In that event, she would suggest a different time of day. I hadn't even thought of that! We are so used to waiting, it never occurred to me that someone would go to the trouble to be sure we had a time which was most comfortable for us. I could go on and on about this particular woman...what a gem! I only wished I had asked her name.

My son gets nervous at any new thing, so being able to go online, see pictures of the exam rooms, pictures of the doctors and even a picture of a doctor examining a child's teeth...it all helps. And I can credit it all to this wonderful receptionist who took the time to guide us along.

It still amazes me that God can use a frustrating situation, like finding a dentist, to lead us down the right path. He had this place in mind for us all along. We pass the billboard for this dentist almost every day. He was pointing me in the right direction the whole time. But boy, was I slow to see it!!!

Thank you God for sending people down our path that understand us. Thank you for closing doors when we go the wrong way...and opening the door wide so we are sure to enter the one you have chosen for us. And Lord, please bless those who take the time to be extra kind. We are so grateful.

Fighting

I know the Bible says "I will fight your enemies and I will save your children" (Isaiah 49:25 NCV). It says "Like a shield He protects the innocent. He makes sure that justice is done and He protects those who are loyal to Him" (Proverbs 2:7-8 NCV).

My son is the innocent one the Bible speaks of. He is the child it speaks of. I am fighting to believe these scriptures because on the surface it appears that it's not true. In the natural, it looks like God is not upholding His promises. I am struggling to remember that God's protection is not the same as the way I would protect my son. I would do it differently. I would move swiftly, removing the source of the problem. That's what I want God to do. I'm tired of waiting while I have to sit and watch my son go through pain. I have to pick up the pieces and try to explain the unexplainable to him. I have to try and teach him the right way to be, while he is witnessing firsthand the wrong way to be. I have to hand him over while every fiber of my being screams not to do it, but having no other choice.

I cover him in prayer. Plead the blood of Jesus over him. Hold my breath until he is back in my arms again. All the time going back and forth between believing God is moving and wondering if He is listening to my pleas at all. Satan wages war on my mind and my heart. I am just weary of fighting him.

So I search the scriptures for new fuel for my fight. And I find this..."The Lord says, 'Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past. Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening. Don't you see it?'" ( Isaiah 43:18-19 NCV)

I do see the new thing...little glimpses that keep me hopeful. God is allowing me tiny, tiny peeks at what is coming. I am trying to hold on. I am trying to look in the direction God is pointing.

Someone once told me that satan doesn't fight you unless you are on the path God has for you. He doesn't have to worry with those who are not doing the right thing. He already has those people in his grasp. It's the ones who are on God's side, who are choosing light over darkness, that satan tries to steer the other way.

All I know is that satan is trying to steer me away. He puts those fears, doubts and pain into my life. He throws them with such force that it knocks the breath out of me. Even while I'm on the ground, stuggling to regain my composure and footing, I am trying to look in God's direction. I am pointing it out to my son. We are looking to the light, to the only One who can save us.

I am choosing to believe the scriptures. I am choosing to believe that Psalm 91 is true. I am choosing to believe in God Almighty.

"Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, "You are my place of safety and protection. You are my God and I trust you."
God will save you from hidden traps and from deadly diseases.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you can hide. His truth will be your shield and protection.
You will not fear any danger by night or an arrow during the day.
You will not be afraid of diseases that come in the dark or sickness that strikes at noon.
At your side one thousand people may die, or even ten thousand right beside you, but you will not be hurt.
You will only watch and see the wicked punished.
The Lord is your protection; you have made God Most High your place of safety.
Nothing bad will happen to you; no disaster will come to your home.
He has put his angels in charge of you to watch over you wherever you go.
They will catch you in their hands so that you will not hit your foot on a rock.
You will walk on lions and cobras; you will step on strong lions and snakes.
The Lord says "Whoever loves me, I will save. I will protect those who know me.
They will call to me, and I will answer them. I will be with them in trouble; I will rescue and honor them.
I will give them a long, full life, and they will see how I can save."

When to Stop...

My son has a battery operated tractor he rides around the yard. He often rides it up the driveway to help me get the mail. Now our driveway is loooonnnggg. He sometimes rides ahead of me but always stops at the "tree line". He gets off the tractor and holds my hand as we near the street. I even go so far as to hold him as we take the mail out of the box so he won't be tempted to break my grasp. Yesterday was different.

He didn't stop at the tree line. He didn't stop as I called his name. He didn't stop as I screamed his name so loudly the whole street heard me. He didn't stop as I was running as fast as I could to stop him, even though he really wasn't that much ahead of me. He was just far enough out of reach....

He finally stopped about a foot away from the edge of the road. The very, very busy road. I don't think I have ever been so afraid of anything in my whole life. This could have ended badly. But praise God, he did stop. All I could do was grab him up in my arms and thank God for protecting my baby.

After recovering from my heart attack, G recovering from the punishment of not riding his tractor along with not being allowed to ride it to the mailbox again, and some serious prayer, God planted some ideas in my mind.

How many times did I hurdle toward something so dangerous, not caring about the voice telling me to stop? How many times did I do something because it looks great, not caring about the consequence? How many times has God Himself saved me from a terrible fate by stopping me at just the right time?

My son and I have since spoken about the importance of listening. And the importance of trusting. I need to be able to trust that he will follow my directions. Again, God laid it on me....do I listen to Him? Do I heed His warnings? Do I follow His directions? I had to be honest with Him, and myself, and admit that I don't always.

Dear God, please help me this day (and every day) to be mindful of Your voice. Give me ears to hear, eyes open to what You want me to see and a heart to obey. Help me to impart this lesson to my little one. And I thank You again and again for keeping us both safe.

Remembering...

I haven't written about my son's birthday yet. He turned 3 in April. This was the first year he really understood what a birthday is all about. He picked out the cake he wanted, the balloons and general theme. Was it a surprise to any of us that it would be tractors? Or that the cake should be a blue tractor like Papa's?

What was a surprise to me was the way my guy turned his cake around to blow out the candles. He couldn't reach them too well so he just adjusted it to suit him. He then liked it so much, we had to sing and light the candles two more times! Compared to last year when he covered his ears when we sang, this was high praise (and let me assure you that I haven't had any improvement in my singing voice).

Birthdays are a pretty emotional time for me. I remember all of the struggles we've faced. I think back to the many visits to the NICU, the tears of coming home from the hospital without my baby in my arms, and the weeks away from home while we waited for him to grow and heal.

Then I think of our family life. Once we got home the stress was high, sleep was lacking and things went from bad to worse. An already volatile situation exploded. Only four months after this beautiful baby was born, I was separated from my husband. By the end of the year, I was divorced. Needless to say, the first year of this guy's life was far from what I had wanted for him.

Now it sounds like I'm having a pity party. But really I'm not. I've asked God to keep certain things fresh in my memory. There are mistakes that I don't want to make again. Only by recalling them from time to time makes it possible to be sure that I don't go down the same road. I've asked God to help me remember the hurdles, the struggles, the challenges. Now I can truly appreciate the life we have now.

My son's past medical issues make his current health all that much sweeter. His past speech issues make his current words that much clearer. Our past family life makes this current one much more appreciated.

So as I look back over the past 3 years, I remember. I remember hurts and injustices but I also remember smiles and laughter. I remember swinging, singing, coloring and playing. And if I had to go back and trade in all of this to avoid the painful stuff....well, no way. I'd do it all again just to have my guys wrap his arms around me and say " I love you Mommy".

Thank you God for the lessons I've learned, for the roads I've taken, for the appreciation I have now. Thank you God for turning pain into healing, suffering into blessing and tribulation into blessing. Thank you for letting me be his Mom.

What Should I Do?

Yesterday my son and I went for a haircut. This is the first time we both needed one on the same day. I had prepped him for sitting in my lap, watching me get mine done and then moving on to his. This was not to be....

Let me say first of all that we have a FANTASTIC therapist who helped us desensitize G to the noise of the buzz clips. She used a vibration type toy to massage his head with during therapy (and this was as I offhandedly mentioned a hair cut at the beginning of his therapy session--Thank you Ms. Robyn, we love you!!) So G was ready for the clippers. He was not however, ready for the "hair cut lady"!

The salon was empty except for the two of us and two stylists. They were both nice and friendly but the one insisted on G coming in to her chair to get his hair cut at the same time the other stylist cut mine. She did win G over, and he went to her chair. (It was harder for me to supervise and therefore he has a much shorter cut that I prefer, but that's another story).

He began by telling her he did not like the hair dryer. She told him she wouldn't use it. A few minutes later, he told her again. "No hair dryer." She promised they wouldn't need it. She chatted with him and he actually did pretty well. He repeatedly insisted on having no hair dryer anywhere near him. Then she made a comment to me....

She compared my son to RainMan. You know the movie...Dustin Hoffman, Tom Cruise, the Autistic guy who repeats himself and is insistent on certain things.

Now I know she had no idea that G is Autistic. And I don't think she meant any harm by this remark. It just kind of got ground in when she couldn't remember exactly the line from the movie she was searching for to make her point, and she pondered it out loud over and over again.

What bothered me most was my reaction. Or lack of reaction. I politely smiled and tried to change the subject. I didn't make the comments that were rolling around in my mind like "Did you know that RainMan was Autistic and he was nervous to be out of his environment and he did a pretty darn good job making it cross country with some one he didn't really know? Did you know that my son is Autistic too and he is handling this all pretty well also especially considering you are talking about him like he isn't sitting right in front of you???" I didn't say that.

I didn't say, " How would you like it if some stranger squirted your head with water when water is one of the things you can't stand? How would you like it if someone kept telling you that she won't touch you with the hair dryer but you can see it sitting RIGHT THERE and you don't really know if it's ok to trust her?" I didn't say that either.

I also didn't tell her that G has made such amazing progress that the fact he is sitting here , talking to her, walked in on his own and is even alive to need a hair cut is a miracle. I didn't say any of those things.

I know I'm not supposed to unload on someone who makes a comment like that. Maybe it shouldn't even have bothered me, but it did. Did I let G down by not speaking up? Did I send the wrong message by not even acknowledging his Autism? I would love to hear other's thoughts on this. It's hard to know how to react sometimes or even if I am supposed to react.

So for now I'll pray about this. I need guidance. I will ask God to send me the words to say in those situations. And for the grace to love this woman...just as He has loved me.

Doing Something Right

Last night we were driving to meet my ex-husband. These visits are always nerve wracking for us all. Especially my son. He never wants to go. We talk alot about the visits before they occur, even planning out on the calendar exactly when he will be home.

Normally, when we get in the car and start off (to anywhere...) we say a quick prayer for safety and traveling mercies. Last night, I hadn't even made it out of the driveway when my son said, "Pray, Mama, Pray."

I assumed he was talking about our everyday requests, but I asked him anyway.
"What do you want to pray for?"

"For Daddy and peace stuff...and traveling mercies." (Which sounds like " For Daddy an' peace 'tuff....and twavelin' mewcies").

He has listened as we pray for deliverance, for protection, for safety and for peace. He has learned to ask God for what he needs and thank Him for what he has received.

It may seem small to some, but for me it was confirmation that I'm doing something right. God is showing me that I am training my son in the way he should go...and God promises that when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Most of all, my son is learning to lean on the One who will never fail him. He is learning that God will supply all his needs. Thank you Lord for leading this little heart....and mine.

Perspectives change

Isn't it funny how your perspective can change? Years back I was the drinking, partying, doing all the wrong things kind of girl. Now I don't drink, don't party, still do some of the wrong thing but am trying harder kind of woman.

Years back, I could be found in a bar that happened to serve food. Now I might be found in a restaurant that happens to serve alcohol...and I'm uncomfortable there. Years back, I would stay up till all hours dancing and partying. Now, if I'm dancing it's with a cute three year old in the living room and we are in bed at a much earlier hour. Years ago, my schedule revolved around me, me, me. Now it is all about him, him, him.

I found myself watching RFDtv the other night. (No, I don't get compensation here!!) I don't particularly care for the programming. It's "farmy" and "bluegrass", really not my style. But the little man loves tractors and anything with banjos or guitars so we watch it sometimes.

A man came on the screen detailing how the programming as well as the commercials were well thought out. The intent was on viewing a channel that could be watched by anyone. ANYONE. How often does that happen? They don't show commercials advertising new drugs, let alone the ones geared toward "love lives". They don't show commercials advertising alcohol. The programs are wholesome. ANYONE can watch this station at any time and not be offended.

I found myself enjoying this station a bit more after taking in his words. I am trying to preserve my son's innocence as long as I can. It's nice to know there are others out there that agree with that philosophy.

Amazingly, I found myself at a bluegrass festival this weekend. Again, not my cup of tea but my son tapped his foot and clapped along with the music. The booths were family oriented, showcasing crafts and food. It still amazes me how God can turn a life around. I'm thankful it was my life He chose to change. I am loving every minute of this life as a mom. Wonder if I can learn to play the banjo...........

Hurry God!

Sometimes I wonder just how much I can take before I finally crack. I know the Bible says that God will only give us as much as we can bear...but I'm down here crying out to God. I'm trying to tell Him I can't take any more. I'm not sure He is listening.

I am tired of being scared, tired of being nervous, tired of being cussed, tired of being treated like less than.........when does this end? I've done everything in my power to put distance between us. I've moved. Left my job. Left my friends. Made as much of a new life for us as I possibly can but it's not enough. It just doesn't quit. My hands shake. My stomach lurches. My nerves are on end. When will it end?

When will God step in on His awesome authority and deliver us from this pit? I want to live a life that shows others God's love, not my fear. I want to tell people how God delivers us, not be afraid at every turn. I want to step boldly out my front door and know that this thing that haunts us is GONE!

There's a song called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. It says "Would you dare to believe you still have a reason to sing, cause the pain that you've been feeling, it can't compare to the joy that's coming, so hold on you gotta wait for the light, press on and just fight the good fight, cause the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning."

I'm trying to fight the good fight, just HURRY God! Please!

Power of Praise

I'm linked to a few devotional type web sites. They generally send some points to ponder each day. This week's theme has been praise. How to praise God, where to praise God, when to praise God.....

My problem is that I don't feel like praising God. I am struggling. A man is in a hospital room dying of cancer. I don't want to praise God while this man and his family suffer.

The miracle I've prayed for, for almost 3 years now, hasn't happened yet. I don't want to praise God while I wait.

The job I was told was mine has changed. The terms are different and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to praise God while I weigh my options.

I know the Bible says to praise Him. It says He is worthy. It says He is in control of it all, so we are to praise Him in His wisdom. But I'm struggling. I don't want to praise Him and feel fake, when what I really want to do is cry. And ask "WHY???" I don't want to pretend to love His wisdom when it doesn't match what I want for my life or the life of others I see. I don't want to be a hypocrite, opening my mouth to give Him praise when inside I don't really feel it.

I've heard that this is faith...you do things sometimes even though you don't see evidence. Right now I don't see evidence. I can look outside and see the sun shining and the flowers blooming and I know God is here and I can praise Him for that. But can I truly, honestly praise Him for these struggles while I'm in the middle of them?

I can look back and see struggles in the past, that I can now praise God for. They have shaped me in ways I could not have imagined. And I can say that although I never want to go through them again, I am honestly thankful for the lessons learned. But did I praise God in the midst of them? I doubt it.

So what do I do? I read a quote that says "God doesn't tell you to thank him for the negative circumstances. He says to thank Him while you're in the midst of them. Doing this shows that you trust Him to bring you out." So do I really, really trust Him to bring me (and others ) out? Or is it lip service?

Sometimes this walk is hard and more complex than I want to give thought to. And although it sounds like I am taking both sides of an argument, I cannot imagine walking this road without God.

I can go to Him with these questions. I can talk to Him and ask what to do. He made me with this inquisitive mind. He gave me the guts to go boldly before Him and ask Him what the deal is. He allows me to grieve a perceived unfairness, get angry at a perceived injustice and cry at a perceived situation unraveling before me. He is the only one who can bring justice, make it fair and knit the situation back together. He is the only one who can calm the storm raging in my heart.

So I turn to Him. I do thank Him for His love, His patience, His kindness to me. I do praise Him for my beautiful family, the joy of being a mother, and the privilege of being His child. And I ask Him for help with the rest...........

Points to Ponder

Today the Sunday sermon was divided by three pastors. All three had wonderful points and I wanted to record some of the ones that hit home with me.

One pastor gave this analogy...when you are buying a house, you are buying it because you want it to be yours. In reality what happens is that the bank pays your debt to the seller. You then become indebted to the bank. So you work long and hard to repay that debt so that one day you can truly own the house outright. The pastor said that many times this is how we view our relationship with Christ. We think He paid our debt on the cross. But then we think we become indebted to Him and work our whole lives to repay that debt. In truth, we could never repay that debt. We should look at it like a gift. You don't repay a gift. You are just very thankful for it. You try to remember the kindness of this gift and the love it took to give it to you.

Another point was this....once you accept Christ as your Savior , the eternal end of things is settled. There are human consequences to human actions here on earth (that's hard to accept for me, I want God to fix my mistakes!!) but there is no longer a question as to eternity.

One more....Good, bad or indifferent, it's all about Him. God can receive glory through any situation. He is due glory in any situation. It's all about Him. Even Jesus asked for another way to end the suffering. He asked God to change things, if it be His will. But even through the most horrible suffering imaginable, with all of humanity's sin upon Him, God received glory.

I am always thankful for a new way to see life. Thank you Lord for sharing even a bit of your insight with me. To God be the glory!

Little reminders

We were outside yesterday, my son and I, enjoying the gorgeous weather. We came across a patch of tiny wildflowers. They were a delicate blue on the slope of the yard. As I stooped to look down at them, my son proceeded to stomp on the beauties!

He didn't act out of meanness, he just wasn't thinking. He didn't take the time to think through what he was doing, he just acted on impulse. I didn't say anything negative to him but it sure got me to thinking.....how many times does God give us something beautiful only to have us stomp on it? I can think of numerous times in my own life when I acted first, then thought about it later only to realize I had destroyed something precious. I really hadn't the intention to end the beauty God was sending my way. I simply didn't take the time to savor the gift I was being given.

It solidified my thoughts even more today when my son spent some time outside with his Nana. Guess what he picked for me? Some of those beautiful wildflowers! I think God was giving me a second chance at His beauty, as He so often does. I am so thankful to Him for that . Not just for the wildflowers but for every occasion He allows me grace and mercy, and the opportunity for second chances .

Help me Father to recognize Your gifts...and thank You for leading me back to them when I miss them the first time around.

Carrying the Load

It still amazes me that God uses common, everyday events in my life to remind me of His presence.

We'd had a stack of diapers sitting at the bottom of the stairs. As we headed up this afternoon for a nap, G decided to carry them all by himself. For every few steps he climbed, he dropped a diaper. I followed behind him, scooping up the diapers he dropped.

God reminded me then...how often I insist on carrying the load all by myself. I am positive I can carry it all without any help. Then I began dropping things. First maybe just one thing. Then more and more until I'm leaving a trail of mistakes behind me.

How grateful I am that God follows me, picking up the things I have dropped. Often He even takes over the whole load for me when I realize it's too much for me to handle. I love that He is always there for me, even when I have ignored His initial offer for help.

Lord, thank you for always carrying my load. And Father, help me to remember to ask You for help before I even attempt to pick the load up in the first place!

Admitting the truth

It's been awhile since I've written. I can't blame it on any one thing. I have been busy, I have done other things, I've been lazy. I've been upset. I've been upset at God. I've been upset at God so I've procrastinated in writing. There is the truth.

My last post was on a word I received from the Lord. On that day, I was so full of His spirit I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Day by day passed and I didn't see my miracle manifest. I expected it right away. After all, God had given me this word. He only speaks truth. I didn't want to doubt Him, but there it was...creeping into my mind. Maybe I had misunderstood. Maybe I wanted it so badly that I imagined it. Maybe it was a cruel joke. Maybe my miracle would never come.

Instead of turning to God I held back. I still prayed but without the passion I once had. I kept up in my day to day life with the thought in the back of my mind. Maybe this miracle wasn't for me.

Last night, I'd had enough. I finally recognized the enemy's attack. I poured out my heart to God. I openly admitted my fears. I asked again for my miracle. I prayed for covering over my son's life in a way that I haven't done in quite some time.

Then today, I began printing out some of these blogs on paper. I wanted my son to have a tangible record of my thoughts. I reread previous posts and realized again just how much God has brought us through. It was a bit strange to know that it was my own words sending encouragement my way.

So today I am struggling to let go of my fear. I am struggling to let go of my anger. I am struggling to increase my faith. I know that I know that I know that God grants miracles. I will desperately hold on to the word He has sent me...that our miracle is coming soon.