Remembering...

I haven't written about my son's birthday yet. He turned 3 in April. This was the first year he really understood what a birthday is all about. He picked out the cake he wanted, the balloons and general theme. Was it a surprise to any of us that it would be tractors? Or that the cake should be a blue tractor like Papa's?

What was a surprise to me was the way my guy turned his cake around to blow out the candles. He couldn't reach them too well so he just adjusted it to suit him. He then liked it so much, we had to sing and light the candles two more times! Compared to last year when he covered his ears when we sang, this was high praise (and let me assure you that I haven't had any improvement in my singing voice).

Birthdays are a pretty emotional time for me. I remember all of the struggles we've faced. I think back to the many visits to the NICU, the tears of coming home from the hospital without my baby in my arms, and the weeks away from home while we waited for him to grow and heal.

Then I think of our family life. Once we got home the stress was high, sleep was lacking and things went from bad to worse. An already volatile situation exploded. Only four months after this beautiful baby was born, I was separated from my husband. By the end of the year, I was divorced. Needless to say, the first year of this guy's life was far from what I had wanted for him.

Now it sounds like I'm having a pity party. But really I'm not. I've asked God to keep certain things fresh in my memory. There are mistakes that I don't want to make again. Only by recalling them from time to time makes it possible to be sure that I don't go down the same road. I've asked God to help me remember the hurdles, the struggles, the challenges. Now I can truly appreciate the life we have now.

My son's past medical issues make his current health all that much sweeter. His past speech issues make his current words that much clearer. Our past family life makes this current one much more appreciated.

So as I look back over the past 3 years, I remember. I remember hurts and injustices but I also remember smiles and laughter. I remember swinging, singing, coloring and playing. And if I had to go back and trade in all of this to avoid the painful stuff....well, no way. I'd do it all again just to have my guys wrap his arms around me and say " I love you Mommy".

Thank you God for the lessons I've learned, for the roads I've taken, for the appreciation I have now. Thank you God for turning pain into healing, suffering into blessing and tribulation into blessing. Thank you for letting me be his Mom.