Deliverance

I have tons of thoughts rambling through my mind today. Good ones, bad ones, in between ones. My heart is burdened and heavy but at the same time I am hopeful and anxious for a miracle. I think I am full of just about every possible emotion a person can have.

I'm hurt, scared, saddened, mad, terrified, angry, nervous, jittery....at one situation and one person who continues to burden my existence. Burden is too light of a word. This person has ruined my self esteem, confused my son, come up with new vulgar terms for me, scared me into shaking, infuriated me into high blood pressure and occupies most of my waking thoughts. This person has even managed to move into my dreams at night. This person has made it nearly impossible to live an ordinary life of peace. Even a trip in the neighborhood has to be thought out thoroughly before acting on it.

So what do I do? All I can do is reach out to others to pray for us. Pray for our peace. Pray for our hearts to calm. Pray for our confusion to clear. Pray for the hurt to go away. Pray for the shaking to stop. Pray for the terror to end.

I remember hearing that Jesus felt every human emotion we experience. I know he was persecuted, tormented and despised. I know He knows what I am feeling. I also know He is the one who can end this, who can return our lives to normal, who can give my son a chance to grow up facing everyday challenges- not heart stopping fear that no child should have to face. I know that I will continue to bombard Him with pleas for help. I know He does not intend for His children to suffer. I know these things.

Yet my heart continues to be heavy. My mind stays full of the possibilities...for both the best and worst outcomes. My smile fades and tears fill my eyes.

I don't understand this situation. I don't know why my God - who can do all, be all, accomplish all- isn't moving in here. I don't know why He is allowing this abuse to continue. I don't understand. I don't understand. Sometimes I think if He would just give me a glimpse to the end result, it might be easier to bear in the meantime. Maybe.

Then I feel guilty because I am questioning the Almighty. It is His plan. It is not mine. I would not choose this path. I have about a million ways to fix this if He would listen to me...not that He needs my help at all.

So I will do what I know to do..pray, pray, pray, PRAY. I'll keep begging God. I'll be like the woman in the Bible who kept hounding the judge to help her. I'll keep doing it, day and night until this is over.

Would you help me too? One simple word is our mantra...Deliverance. Deliverance. Deliverance.