Overwhelmed

It's not new news to anyone who reads this blog that I am often overwhelmed by situations in my life. I'm faced with many decisions daily regarding the care of my son, how to act or react to my ex husband, balancing a teaching career and just getting the laundry done!

Today's church sermon was on this very topic, or rather the ways Jesus was also overwhelmed while He was here on earth. Thank you Pastors Mark and Justin for opening my eyes. The whole sermon was fantastic but here are a few points that stuck with me the most....

1. Jesus was let down by others. He asked His disciples to stay awake but they fell asleep. Not once, but three times. Instead of getting angry or giving up, He just kept going. We have the option, just as Jesus did, to withdraw or shut down...to turn in to a victim. We have the choice to become angry...to turn into the villain. Or we can choose, as Jesus did, to become the victor. We can allow God to use our circumstance for His glory.

2. We have all heard people make remarks about church folk being hypocrites. Instead of arguing, we should agree. We are all hypocrites, whether we actually mean to be or not. We have all promised something we couldn't deliver or let someone down when they were counting on us. That's why we all need a savior.

3. God is more than just a "fix it God." God orchestrated new exodus through our sufferings, and we too may have have the courage to fall to our knees and pray "Father, thy will be done."

Today, I am asking God for the courage to pray for His will. I am honestly scared. I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to face any more pain, or have my son knee deep in it. I want the easy road. But it helps to know that Jesus wanted the easy road too. He asked God to spare Him, if there was any other way. But He also believed in the Father so much, He did what was asked of Him...even unto death. That I would have that faith and courage, my Father. Help me come to the place where I can honestly pray for Your will to be done in my life.

I'm not sure either

When I write, I usually write what God has laid on my heart. There is usually some lesson I've learned or example God has shown me that I don't want to forget, so I try to log it here. Tonight I'm laying here in bed, laptop open, beside my sleeping little guy, just thinking over the past few weeks events.

For G, school life is getting harder but hopefully better. I've enlisted the help of an ABA therapist for three mornings per week. He has been unable to stop himself from grabbing other children, their work or their belongings. He might seem mad or giggle as if it is the funniest thing on earth. His teachers and I were at the end of our bag of tricks, so we solicited some outside help.

The therapists themselves are fantastic. He has one lady come on Monday and Wednesday and then another to come on Tuesday. Then his OT visits him on Friday and his speech therapist comes on Thursday. Jam packed schedule huh? The problem lies in that we aren't completely cohesive on the plan of attack. They are all looking to me, but really..if I had the answers, would I have called them in the first place? I know I am here as his advocate, his only advocate. But if I make the wrong choice am I screwing him up? It's lots of pressure, let me tell you.

I love this boy with all of my heart. He is changing and growing every day and it is always something new and different. One day he is the sweetest, most loving child ever...then the next day his evil twin appears and he isn't happy for a moment! Are all children this way or is this one of the underlying issues with autism? For every one thing I've learned about autism, there are a hundred other things I've yet to figure out.

So if you are reading this and trying to figure out what this post is about....well I'm not sure either. I'm at a place where I'm looking forward to Spring Break, time off, slowing down while at the same time I'm regretting that time is passing so quickly. Sometimes G wakes in the morning looking like he has grown overnight. This motherhood thing is full of decisions, potholes, mountain tops and whirlwinds. But boy is it awesome! I can't imagine my life without this precious guy in it.

One thing I will ask of you....if my name or face (or that of G) comes before you, will you pray for us? Guidance, wisdom, deliverance...we need it all.

I'm tired

I'm tired. This has been a very busy season in my life. I've prepared parent/teacher conference notes. I've tagged many, many items for a local consignment sale. I've readied my classroom for International Night while at the same time getting my son ready for his class version.

We left school yesterday for a brief break (it was too far to drive home and back) . He chose dinner at Waffle House. Odd, but surprisingly fantastic since we were the only diners there. It was quiet. We had time to talk and relax, just the two of us before we headed back to the chaos of school. He was precious, excited to be singing his song (for the record, his class studied Antarctica and his teacher re-wrote the lyrics to 'Ice Ice Baby'....how cute!!!) He was looking forward to showing his projects off to me, Nana and Papa.

We finished dinner and headed back to school where he dressed, I dressed (my class was studying Swaziland) and we put the finishing touches on my room. He was the perfect gentleman, helping and following directions beautifully. Nana and Papa arrived and he escorted them to his classroom to get a seat. The students and parents from all the classes arrived and were soon milling around, putting on outfits and generally anxious to start.

My son's class was the first presentation of the evening. I made an announcement to my class as to where to find all they needed, the layout of the evening and that I was stepping over to see G's performance and would be back soon. I kept a careful eye on the clock, grabbed my video camera and walked across the hall to the sound of clapping..........I had missed it. The whole thing. My baby's first ever performance in his school career and I didn't see a single second of it.

It took all I had not to break down in tears. Turns out, the clock in my classroom was slow, the teacher started right on time, and the song was pretty short. I missed it all.

Can I even begin to describe how disappointed I am? We got a few still pictures but nothing to truly capture the movements and voices of G and his friends during the song.

My family came over to my class later on to watch us take our turn. I looked into the audience and saw G's concentration as he watched the students sing and dance. After it was over, he ran to give me a hug and told me he loved me. He went home with Nana and Papa while I stayed to clean up.

I'm not sure that G even realized that I missed his show. With all of the people there, I'm not sure he could even see his grandparents in the audience. But I knew it. It hurts my heart. I missed it. I missed it.

Thankfulness

I've been dealing a lot with how to praise God when things are rough. I know the Bible commands us to praise, but I sometimes feel like a hypocrite doing it. After all, I'm not thankful for the situation I'm facing. I can't see any good reason for it. So I did all I know to do...I prayed and asked God to show me. He did (doesn't He always??). He showed me in the form of blog I read from Chosenfamilies.org.

Trauma or Thanks

January 21, 2011 By Joan 1 Comment

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thess 5:18

I was trying to figure out how to survive the highly emotional encounters with the bipolar loved ones in my life. Right In That Moment – what do I DO? One counselor (and yes, I have needed counselors) told me to give thanks…as in “give thanks in all things, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

I teethed on the pews, so I knew that verse, but frankly, not to be disrespectful or anything, I could NOT figure out how to give thanks in those moments. Finally, after many years, and at the risk of being hit by lightening or something, I emotionally pushed back. “Really? Am I supposed to say, ‘Thank you Jesus they are yelling at me right now?…or thank You they are so low they literally cannot face the day, or their responsibilities?…or I just can’t thank You enough that their emotions are so magnified they literally can’t tell they are wearing me out or squashing me like a bug??’” I felt that not only were they expecting too much out of me, but so was God.

I praise God for that counselor now. I get it. And it literally turns the tide for me emotionally so I do not “lose” radio contact with God as quickly. It’s been a shield, a strength, a solace. Probably not new to you, but since that day, my “thank-you” now sound something like these…

–as my bipolar loved one vents all his/her emotions towards me….
Jesus, I thank You that You know this is too much for me. Thank You for not telling me everything You feel! Thank You for only telling me what is for my good. Thank you for always keeping in mind that I am dust.

–as my bipolar loved one blames me for not making it “all better”…
Jesus, I thank You that YOU know I can’t fix this. All might and power rest with YOU, not me. Thank You that in every way necessary You made it “all better” on the Cross, giving hope that when I get to heaven it WILL be all better!

–as my bipolar loved one exhausts me emotionally…
Jesus, thank You that You are not bipolar. I don’t have to shield myself emotionally from You, because You always keep in mind how I am made. Thank you for specifically inviting me to come TO You when I am weary and heavy laden, and thank you for giving me rest. Thank you for being the kind of God that leads at a pace suited for women and children. (Not bipolar speeds.)

–as my bipolar one expects me to understand what he/she is thinking, and sort it out…
Jesus, I am thanking You right now that YOU understand what he/she is thinking. You understand his/her thought from far away, even before he/she say it. Thank You for having a mind big enough to wrap around all this. I am not omniscient and You know it. Thank you.

–as my bipolar loved one makes a mountain out of a molehill…
Jesus, thank You that You never exaggerate, minimize, or distort what it true. You are precise, true, dependable.

–when my bipolar loved one is all over the map…
Thank you Jesus for being the SAME. Yesterday, today, and forever. Thank you that when You make a decision towards me (to listen, love, forgive, understand) You do not change Your mind later.

There are many more…and if YOU have more to add, I’d love to hear them. Truthful thanksgiving is a life raft…

Thankfully,

Joan

Thank you Joan for posting from your heart. It has made all the difference in my life. And thank You Lord, for showing me the way!

Floods

I read bits and pieces of lots of blogs. Some are spiritual in nature, some pertain to children with challenges, some are just mixes of everyday life. One blog I read lately came from Chosenfamilies.org and the particular piece that struck my heart was written by a woman named Joan.

"The Lord saw this flood coming, and He did not prevent it. But by faith I believe He sat down as King over it." I sometimes picture God as so busy with things that it takes Him until the last minute to swoop in on our lives and stop the bad things from happening. That's my warped sense of an omnipotent God. It's easier to think of Him being so busy that He can't get to me right away or as the 'superman' type who will come just in the nick of time. But it's a harsh truth to realize that He is omnipotent. He does see the flood coming. He knows it before we do. He knows the issues it will cause us, and yet He doesn't always prevent it. My heart aches knowing that my God who loves me and CAN prevent the hurt chooses NOT to prevent the hurt in my life. I struggle with this idea often.

But like the next sentence in Joan's blog, I believe by faith that He is king over it. He allows us only what we can handle. He refines us in that flood, that pain, that trial. It is definitely no fun but He knows that too. He loves us through all of that. I am then reminded of one of my favorite songs, Still (by Reuben Morgan).

Hide me now, under your wings

Cover me within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm.

Father You are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God.

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm.

Father You are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God.

Thank you Father for your love in the midst of the flood. And for giving me the blue prints to build an arc.

Driving in the Tracks

This week in our town, in our half of the state for that matter, we've had a record amount of snow and ice. The reading from our own backyard was 5 inches but I know some areas had more than that. On top of that beautiful snow was about a half inch of ice. We were out of school for 4 days before the private school where I teach decided it was time to try its hand at opening the doors.

We were opening at 10:00 instead of the usual 7 am time so that was helpful for those of us traveling in the still icy conditions. I left my little man home with his Nana, still fearful that the commute wouldn't be an easy one for our 45+ minute ride in.

Most of the major roads were fine to travel but the secondary streets were a nightmare. Sheets of ice still coated the road and cars moved much too fast for my taste. On several roads, there was a path to follow where other cars had previously traveled. If you stayed on the path they had laid out, it was smooth travels but if you shifted over to the right or the left, you could wind up sliding and skidding.

Of course as I was "white knuckle" driving the whole way to work, God chose this time to teach me a lesson. ( He sneaks up on me sometimes....although I shouldn't have been surprised, I was talking to Him the whole time!!) He impressed upon me that the lane I was traveling was a metaphor for life. He has laid out a path for me. All I have to do is stay on it. No veering to the right or left or I'd end up in trouble.

I was reminded of the temptations also. The temptation to pull out of the lane to get a closer look at something that looked beautiful from afar. The temptation to pull over just to stop and take a rest. The temptation to go as fast as others were..just to follow the crowd because it's what "everyone" else was doing. God them reminded me of how hard it is to get back on the path once you've been off of it. Tires spin, cars slide, sometimes you travel inches , sometimes you are just plain stuck. After it is all over with, it makes you wonder why you ever decided to get off the path to begin with.

Thank you Lord for providing me with the path you've laid out for me. Please give me eyes to see where you intend for me to travel, wisdom to stay on the path and strength for the journey.

Thoughts to Ponder

We've been snowed in for a couple of days now and I've been reading alot. I wanted to jot down a few things I've read lately so I don't forget the lessons God is showing me....

I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. In this passage, she's talking about soul mates. It's such an incredible idea, I've quoted it here.

"..a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you , and then they leave. And thank God for it." That idea just blew me away. I know people are sent to us for a purpose but I've never had that particular perspective on it.

The next bit in the book astonished me even more...." If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot- a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. " God will rush in. He won't leave the void there, He won't move slowly toward us, He won't delay, He will RUSH in. Isn't that what happens when we give our hearts and lives over to Him? He immediately comes into our hearts with a peace and love we cannot even comprehend.

The last thought I have for today is one given to me by the pastor of Sunday's service. He was talking about "El Shaddai" translating into "more than enough". Another way to think of it is "too much". God is not 'just enough' or 'plenty', He is too much God. So if there is problem that is too much for me, my God is too much for it. Meaning, He can literally overcome any obstacle, problem or trial because He is already too much for it. Wow. I love it when God shows me new ways to look at things. I've probably heard 'more than enough' in relation to God many times in my life. But something about the phrase 'too much' packs a punch with me.

Then the thought of that very same God, using a soul mate to scrub me clean, showing me parts of myself that I didn't know about, comes rushing in to fill a void in my heart with his love until it is over flowing because He is a God who will not leave any area of my life empty...well, the thought of it has me standing here with my mouth agape. I stand in awe of Him. Then I smile.