My King

We had every reason not to go to church this morning. We'd been up late two nights in a row, we had a jam packed day yesterday, we didn't have our "church clothes" ready....we were flat out tired. But last night as I went to sleep, I felt God nudging me. This morning when I woke up, I knew we just had to go.

When we got to church and settled in the pew, I pulled out a prayer request card and began writing the same request I've had for the last 4 years. Separation. I had it ready to go into the offering plate that was usually passed around near the beginning of the service. But God had something else in mind.

For starters, the offering wasn't taken at the beginning of the service, but at then end. Then, the praise team only sang one song before Pastor Mark began his sermon. God grabbed me at the first words out of Pastor Mark's mouth and didn't let me go .

Today's sermon was called "A View to a Parade". It was based on John 12:12-27. There are several points Pastor Mark made today but the one that hit home with me was the one he shared from personal experience. His brother was killed by a driver under the influence in a car crash a number of years ago. Pastor Mark said he didn't understand why it happened. He didn't know God's reasoning for it.

"Most of the time I don't understand what the dude is doing!," he said about God. But he pointed out that his life is not based on understanding. It is based on God's Kingship in his life. He said that his King has always shown up with what he needed to get him through.

God spoke to me so clearly when that altar call was given. I have prayed for division. I have begged for separation. I still believe that it is the right thing for my son and our family. My heart longs for the day when my son will be free of this huge burden. But it is not ultimately my decision. I'm with Mark...most of the time I don't understand what God is doing. But I don't have to. I just have to trust Him. I have to allow Him to rule and reign in all the areas in my life.

So G and I went to the altar to pray. We took that prayer request I had written down with us. There was a woman there named Jo who met with us to pray. I'm not sure I adequately conveyed to her why I was there, but I know that I was obedient to the Lord. I tore up that request. I laid it at the feet of Jesus and asked Him to take it. I asked Him to reign over it and the rest of my life.
I know my King will show up with what I need to get me (and G) through this.

Pastor Mark said that the first time Jesus came, He came on a donkey. This symbolizes a beast of burden. God came that way so we could identify with Him. The next time He will come on a white horse of victory. I am looking toward that day when all burdens will be over. Until then, I will put my troubles on that donkey and send them off with my King....and I will wait to see that beautiful white horse coming back for my family with Jesus at the reins!

Thoughts to Ponder

We've been snowed in for a couple of days now and I've been reading alot. I wanted to jot down a few things I've read lately so I don't forget the lessons God is showing me....

I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. In this passage, she's talking about soul mates. It's such an incredible idea, I've quoted it here.

"..a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you , and then they leave. And thank God for it." That idea just blew me away. I know people are sent to us for a purpose but I've never had that particular perspective on it.

The next bit in the book astonished me even more...." If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot- a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. " God will rush in. He won't leave the void there, He won't move slowly toward us, He won't delay, He will RUSH in. Isn't that what happens when we give our hearts and lives over to Him? He immediately comes into our hearts with a peace and love we cannot even comprehend.

The last thought I have for today is one given to me by the pastor of Sunday's service. He was talking about "El Shaddai" translating into "more than enough". Another way to think of it is "too much". God is not 'just enough' or 'plenty', He is too much God. So if there is problem that is too much for me, my God is too much for it. Meaning, He can literally overcome any obstacle, problem or trial because He is already too much for it. Wow. I love it when God shows me new ways to look at things. I've probably heard 'more than enough' in relation to God many times in my life. But something about the phrase 'too much' packs a punch with me.

Then the thought of that very same God, using a soul mate to scrub me clean, showing me parts of myself that I didn't know about, comes rushing in to fill a void in my heart with his love until it is over flowing because He is a God who will not leave any area of my life empty...well, the thought of it has me standing here with my mouth agape. I stand in awe of Him. Then I smile.

More lessons

It seems that this season is all about lessons....God is using my little man to show me so much. I have written before about the path that is along the back portion of our property. Not to paint the wrong image....it is very short, very accessible and quite close to the house. But from a three year old's eye, it is magical.

My son is limited in his freedoms. He is only three, impulsive and autistic. We face a lot of challenges in this area so when he has the opportunity to do things "alone" they are a very big deal for him. Part of this freedom has come in the form of the path.

He loves, loves, loves the battery powered John Deere tractor he has and will ride it until the battery is drained. We've recently decided to let him ride it on the path alone. Now there is one point on which an adult can stand and see down the hill to where the path is. Every part of the path is visible if you are standing in that particular point (my son calls it 'the mountain') but if you are on the path, it is quite easy to feel that you are alone.

My son was recently riding on that path 'alone' as I stood on the 'mountain' to watch. He waved at first, smiling from ear to ear as he drove along. After a bit, he continued to wave in my general direction but you could tell he couldn't really see me anymore. When he reached the end, he saw me again and asked me where I had been. I showed him that I hadn't moved at all from my original post.

Do you see where this is going? God uses the simple things to make a point to me. HE never leaves His post. He is always watching. He is always looking out for us. I might not think I can see Him, or I catch a glimpse of Him if I really look, but He is really always there. It is often me questioning God as to where He went. He reassures me that He never left.

Even as I write this, God shows me more than one lesson....a learning time for myself and a teachable moment to share with my son. Thank you Father for taking the time to show me these lessons and for never giving up on me.

Remembering...

I haven't written about my son's birthday yet. He turned 3 in April. This was the first year he really understood what a birthday is all about. He picked out the cake he wanted, the balloons and general theme. Was it a surprise to any of us that it would be tractors? Or that the cake should be a blue tractor like Papa's?

What was a surprise to me was the way my guy turned his cake around to blow out the candles. He couldn't reach them too well so he just adjusted it to suit him. He then liked it so much, we had to sing and light the candles two more times! Compared to last year when he covered his ears when we sang, this was high praise (and let me assure you that I haven't had any improvement in my singing voice).

Birthdays are a pretty emotional time for me. I remember all of the struggles we've faced. I think back to the many visits to the NICU, the tears of coming home from the hospital without my baby in my arms, and the weeks away from home while we waited for him to grow and heal.

Then I think of our family life. Once we got home the stress was high, sleep was lacking and things went from bad to worse. An already volatile situation exploded. Only four months after this beautiful baby was born, I was separated from my husband. By the end of the year, I was divorced. Needless to say, the first year of this guy's life was far from what I had wanted for him.

Now it sounds like I'm having a pity party. But really I'm not. I've asked God to keep certain things fresh in my memory. There are mistakes that I don't want to make again. Only by recalling them from time to time makes it possible to be sure that I don't go down the same road. I've asked God to help me remember the hurdles, the struggles, the challenges. Now I can truly appreciate the life we have now.

My son's past medical issues make his current health all that much sweeter. His past speech issues make his current words that much clearer. Our past family life makes this current one much more appreciated.

So as I look back over the past 3 years, I remember. I remember hurts and injustices but I also remember smiles and laughter. I remember swinging, singing, coloring and playing. And if I had to go back and trade in all of this to avoid the painful stuff....well, no way. I'd do it all again just to have my guys wrap his arms around me and say " I love you Mommy".

Thank you God for the lessons I've learned, for the roads I've taken, for the appreciation I have now. Thank you God for turning pain into healing, suffering into blessing and tribulation into blessing. Thank you for letting me be his Mom.