Yesterday

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I had meeting after meeting, each of which was worse than the last. I had to hear someone tell me a list of things I'd done wrong. I heard complaints about the way I do things. It made me mad, but also sad.

But the worst part of the day was letting my friends down. I had to tell not only one, but several, that I couldn't follow through on a promise I had made. This promise affected my life and theirs too. It was tough. I felt like I had let them all down.

I am not a person to make promises lightly. I try my very best to follow through on what I say I will do. Now in this situation, it wasn't something that I could help. It was just the situation we are in. But it didn't make me feel any better. I wanted to fix this situation for them, to be able to do for them what I had originally promised.

Fixing things...that's one thing that God deals with me on all the time. I have a hard time letting go and giving it over to God. I want to do what I can. I want to do more than I can. I just want to make everything okay for everyone. God kept trying to tell me that He is in charge and that He take care of everything. At the end of the day yesterday, He took all other options out of my hands. I just have to wait on Him.

While I was mindlessly looking at FaceBook last night, a friend's post hit home. "The Bible never once says 'figure it out,' but over and over again it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it all figured out."  Talk about a punch in the gut. How much clearer could it be?

So I've apologized to God for trying to do His job. I'm praying for this situation but am ultimately waiting on his decision in His timing. I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that knows what's best for me and will stop me in my tracks when I won't listen.

This Season

Today I read my friend J's blog (www.lotsofscotts.blogspot.com) about the joys of just watching your children. She spoke about this season, the only season, in which we will know our kids as children. The rest of their lives we will know them as adults. This gives us a unique chance to know them in this part of their lives.

As I reflected on this, I was saddened. I watched my son tonight act very much like an adult in a situation he shouldn't even be in, much less have to act mature beyond his years. He was talking to his dad on the phone. When his dad said, " I miss you" then G said it too. When his dad said, " I wish you could be here", G said it too. I watched G roll his eyes and make faces as he said these things to his dad. When he hung up the phone, I asked G about it. I couldn't understand the discrepancy I saw in his facial expressions versus the words he was saying. G told me, " I have to say those words to Daddy or he will cry and be sad. If I tell him I don't love him too, he will say 'why baby?' And I don't want to tell him that I don't love him because he is mean to people."

Whoa....here is my 5 year old trying to spare his dad's feelings. He is hiding what he really feels just so his dad won't be hurt. On one hand, I'm proud that he doesn't want to hurt feelings, but on the other hand, I want to him to always be honest with us. And I am crushed that this innocent little heart is having to deal with such hard things.

I am praying that in this season, the only season in which G gets to be a kid, that his burdens will be lifted. I am praying that he gets the chance to be carefree and that his innocence will be protected. And that his little heart learns that he can always lean on his Heavenly Father for anything.

The Power of Praise

I've just finished reading an absolutely life changing book called "The Power of Praise" by Merlyn Carothers.  I've heard about praising God in any circumstance, and I've tried it myself, but this book just hit home with me. If you haven't read it...go get it now!!! (It is an older book, so look it up on Amazon.)

The basis of the book is to praise God for everything. Easier said than done if you ask me. I was continually struggling within myself...how can I praise God for the bad things? A friend has cancer...so I should praise God? We are having financial trouble....praise God for that? My heart is broken....praise now? I was in such turmoil over this. The bible says to praise God but I felt like I was lying when I tried to praise Him in those situations.

In reading this book, something clicked inside me. You have to choose whether or not you believe God's word. That's what it boils down to. The Bible says in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." If you truly believe that then you know God is working out your life for your good. Although it might not be the thing we are asking for, it might not be what we are hoping for....God is working it out for our good, and His glory.

So do I believe that verse? I thought I did before but I also thought that the enemy was pushing so hard against me that he was somehow making these bad things happen in my life. I prayed against the enemy, I fought against the enemy, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. What I didn't really think about was the fact that God was sovereign.

I had to go back and re-evaluate my beliefs about God. If He is sovereign, then He allows (or doesn't allow) certain things in my life. Maybe they do come from the enemy, but God allows it. That was a hard concept for me to comprehend.

And then there were my emotions....my heart was broken at the thought of my loving Father allowing something "bad" to come into my life. Why would He do that to me? When I say I struggled, I mean I STRUGGLED with it. But in reading this book, so many examples were given when the person involved might not have believed at first but decided just to give it a try. The things that happened as a result of praise...well, you need to read the book!

So I tried it. My prayers mostly went like this.."God, I praise You. I don't know why You are allowing this, but I am praising You anyway. Please help my emotions to catch up with scripture." At first I felt stupid. My head and heart were at war with each other.  But each day as I praised, I felt more at peace.

One morning I was praying for our school. We have not had the enrollment that we had hoped for although we are certain that this is the place God has for us. So I gave it to God. I told Him that I was praising Him for this situation, even though I didn't understand it. But I was being obedient and praising Him.  When I got to school, our day began just like many others. But about an hour into the day, we had not ONE, but TWO children enroll..and the promise of a third! Can you believe that? I started telling all of the ladies I work with about my prayers that day.  So I have seen it for myself that it works.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are hard things out there that will be more challenging to praise God for. I'm going through one such situation right now. But I am trying my hardest to praise Him for all of it. He is the one in charge and I owe my very life to Him. I will  continue to believe the promises God lays out for us in the Bible and put my emotions aside...PRAISE GOD!!

What is going on?

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately. It might all stem from G's 5th birthday. That's right, my once - upon -a -time 2 1/2 pound preemie is now 5 years old. Every year at his birthday I get sentimental about how fast he is growing up. He's started reading recently...great news, but a sure sign that he won't stay my baby forever!

A few days ago, a parent at a school where I used to teach lost her battle with cancer. She left behind two young children. She was a godly woman, upheld by so many prayer warriors. Now what happens to her kids she left on earth until they meet again in heaven?

After many, many weeks of not going to visit his dad, G might be going back next weekend. He is not wanting to go. He gets nervous just talking about it. Each night I have to convince him to even talk on the phone to his dad. He is just not interested in having this man in his life. Hurts my heart to see him this way.

Our new school has a great staff and great kids but we are not enrolling students like I thought we would be by now. It scares me. Surely God didn't bring us here just to fail. He moved too many mountains to get us here. My heart wants so badly to trust Him, but my head looks at the numbers and worries.

So what is going on? Good and bad. Happy and sad. Up and down. The roller coaster ride is starting to make me uncomfortable. I heard someone say that you shouldn't ask God for easy days...those aren't promised to us. But instead ask for strength for the battle. He will deliver that.

So God, I'm asking for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. I'm asking for clear direction, honesty and truth in my life. I'm asking for protection, supplication and love. You are the only one who can steady my emotions and this ride I'm on.

My King

We had every reason not to go to church this morning. We'd been up late two nights in a row, we had a jam packed day yesterday, we didn't have our "church clothes" ready....we were flat out tired. But last night as I went to sleep, I felt God nudging me. This morning when I woke up, I knew we just had to go.

When we got to church and settled in the pew, I pulled out a prayer request card and began writing the same request I've had for the last 4 years. Separation. I had it ready to go into the offering plate that was usually passed around near the beginning of the service. But God had something else in mind.

For starters, the offering wasn't taken at the beginning of the service, but at then end. Then, the praise team only sang one song before Pastor Mark began his sermon. God grabbed me at the first words out of Pastor Mark's mouth and didn't let me go .

Today's sermon was called "A View to a Parade". It was based on John 12:12-27. There are several points Pastor Mark made today but the one that hit home with me was the one he shared from personal experience. His brother was killed by a driver under the influence in a car crash a number of years ago. Pastor Mark said he didn't understand why it happened. He didn't know God's reasoning for it.

"Most of the time I don't understand what the dude is doing!," he said about God. But he pointed out that his life is not based on understanding. It is based on God's Kingship in his life. He said that his King has always shown up with what he needed to get him through.

God spoke to me so clearly when that altar call was given. I have prayed for division. I have begged for separation. I still believe that it is the right thing for my son and our family. My heart longs for the day when my son will be free of this huge burden. But it is not ultimately my decision. I'm with Mark...most of the time I don't understand what God is doing. But I don't have to. I just have to trust Him. I have to allow Him to rule and reign in all the areas in my life.

So G and I went to the altar to pray. We took that prayer request I had written down with us. There was a woman there named Jo who met with us to pray. I'm not sure I adequately conveyed to her why I was there, but I know that I was obedient to the Lord. I tore up that request. I laid it at the feet of Jesus and asked Him to take it. I asked Him to reign over it and the rest of my life.
I know my King will show up with what I need to get me (and G) through this.

Pastor Mark said that the first time Jesus came, He came on a donkey. This symbolizes a beast of burden. God came that way so we could identify with Him. The next time He will come on a white horse of victory. I am looking toward that day when all burdens will be over. Until then, I will put my troubles on that donkey and send them off with my King....and I will wait to see that beautiful white horse coming back for my family with Jesus at the reins!

You Did It Again

I am angry. You did it again...surpassed me in my parenting authority and went to the child instead. Asked our son if he could meet you....didn't ask me first. We talked about this before. I am the parent. You clear things with me first. Don't put our son in the middle. But you did it anyway.

Why? Do you want to hurt him? Do you care about him at all? Don't you see how confused he gets? He has to be coerced into even talking to you on the phone. He doesn't want to visit unless his cousin is there. Haven't you seen the fear in his eyes or hear it in his voice?

No, I guess you don't see it. You don't hear it. Because you don't know him at all. You use him to show off from time to time. You want people to see you as a good father who got the raw end of the deal.

But the truth is that you treated us badly. You had your chance to do right by us. But you made other choices. Now you are probably regretting that since your "others" have now left you also. Don't you understand that the problems lie within you and not the rest of us? No, you probably don't see that either. You would rather live as the victim than to take responsibility for the wrongs you've created.

Now you are sick. And you think we will feel badly for you. You think that because you are alone again that we will forget the past. Let's set the record straight...I will not feel badly for you. I will not forget the hell you have put our family through. I will not forget the fear you've instilled in me. I will not forget the tears our son has cried over you. I will not forget the terror he has endured at your hands and feet. I will always remember the monster that is inside you.

I have asked God to help me control my emotions. I have asked Him to help me forgive you. I have asked God for help in how to explain the things you do to my little boy who does not understand why he is constantly subjected to you.

I remember God is in control. I know He has promised me "beauty for ashes". I am holding on to that promise, and many others as I struggle to live day to day with this arc of emotions. I am pleading the blood of Jesus Christ over my son, that he is safe and protected...and that he will not have to deal with one more day of your insanity.

I know God will deliver us.

To God be the Glory

Back in December I wrote about some exciting news...news that I can now share with you! In January, some friends and myself bought a school!!!

I have to lay the events out for you because the glory in this completely belongs to God. He alone gave us this gift. In November, the director at the school where I was teaching gave her resignation. Now this lady was hands down the best boss I've ever had. I'm privileged to also call her my friend. Her boss, the owner of the school, is someone who is very, very hard to work for. I will spare you the details except to say that the staff bonded even more when we found out she would take over as director.

The day our director tended her resignation, a group of us met to sort out the details. What would we do without her? We were angry at the situation and looking for some sort of direction. We basically spoke out in anger that "we should just open our own school and do it right!!"

I went home that weekend and did a google search of 'Montessori schools for sale in GA'. The first listing was of a small school in a town about 20 minutes from where I live. I went up to peek through the windows on a Sunday when the school was closed. It was beautiful. I got very, very excited!

Now anyone who has tried to buy a house or business knows that most of these things take time. I was not prepared for just how quickly God was going to answer this prayer. We began this project in earnest in December and by mid January, we had purchased the school. By February 1 I was not only a teacher at the new school, but the Head of School!

God provided us with a school that had been in operation for 30 years, had classrooms full of students, was fully staffed and equipped and was much closer to my home. On top of that, He has allowed many of my friends to partner with me and join us at this school. We are able to expand and grow the school right away. In fact, next week we will have our ribbon cutting ceremony and first open house!

God put this dream in my heart so many years ago. But I thought it was just that...a dream. I could never have imagined how He would bless me with this amazing opportunity. To know that I am building this school for not only myself and my son, but for His glory....it is almost beyond words.