What is going on?

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately. It might all stem from G's 5th birthday. That's right, my once - upon -a -time 2 1/2 pound preemie is now 5 years old. Every year at his birthday I get sentimental about how fast he is growing up. He's started reading recently...great news, but a sure sign that he won't stay my baby forever!

A few days ago, a parent at a school where I used to teach lost her battle with cancer. She left behind two young children. She was a godly woman, upheld by so many prayer warriors. Now what happens to her kids she left on earth until they meet again in heaven?

After many, many weeks of not going to visit his dad, G might be going back next weekend. He is not wanting to go. He gets nervous just talking about it. Each night I have to convince him to even talk on the phone to his dad. He is just not interested in having this man in his life. Hurts my heart to see him this way.

Our new school has a great staff and great kids but we are not enrolling students like I thought we would be by now. It scares me. Surely God didn't bring us here just to fail. He moved too many mountains to get us here. My heart wants so badly to trust Him, but my head looks at the numbers and worries.

So what is going on? Good and bad. Happy and sad. Up and down. The roller coaster ride is starting to make me uncomfortable. I heard someone say that you shouldn't ask God for easy days...those aren't promised to us. But instead ask for strength for the battle. He will deliver that.

So God, I'm asking for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. I'm asking for clear direction, honesty and truth in my life. I'm asking for protection, supplication and love. You are the only one who can steady my emotions and this ride I'm on.

Breath

Yesterday was a strange day for us. We drove to the meeting place to exchange custody of G. When we got there, we discovered that his dad had a new (well old, but different ) car. After a few minutes of transition, G went to get into his dad's car. We discovered then that the seat belts wouldn't lock.

We discussed how they work, don't work, might work...but in the end I insisted on a locking clip. While G's dad wasn't happy about it, he wasn't upset either. He left me, his girlfriend, G and his grandson (my mom was in my car) in the parking lot while he went in the store to purchase one. He was gone for quite a while. His girlfriend decided he might not know where to look so she went in after him. I put both of the kids in my car and cranked up the air conditioning. They were having fun in the back seat playing with cars.

I saw G's dad come out of the store and stop to talk to a man on the sidewalk. He lit a cigarette. I thought he was just waiting on his girlfriend to come out. The next thing I know, my car is being surrounded by police cars. He had called the police, telling them I wouldn't let him have his son.

At this point I am totally bewildered. We hadn't had any unpleasant conversation. He wasn't mad. Nothing had even been said about me taking G away. The last thing I knew was that he was going into the store to buy the clip. We were just waiting.

I felt kind of sorry for the police officers as they dealt with this. G's dad was making less and less sense by the minute. He started telling a story to the officers that was completely untrue. Due to his actions on previous exchanges, I carry a tape recorder on my hip and record all of our discussions. I explained to the officers that I had it all on tape and would be glad to clear up any misunderstanding. The officers watched G's dad as he continued on about how I wouldn't let him have G.

The officers gave him three choices...1) go buy a clip or a new seat with a clip 2) have me drive G to his house or 3) send G home with me. G's dad responded that the store where we were didn't sell them. I offered to wait till he went to a store that did. He glazed right over that one.

Then the officer repeated choice number 2. Without even looking at me, G's dad said "she won't do that". My reply was that I would be fine with driving G there, but what would they do for the rest of the weekend??

The officer then asked if they had another vehicle. G's dad told them that his girlfriend had another car that they could drive. (She had just finished telling me it was in the shop). When I pointed that out, the lies just became thicker.

The officer repeatedly gave the choices...either go buy the proper safety equipment or let G go home. He told me I was free to leave at any time ( G was already strapped in to my car by this point). I waited. I'm not sure what came over me. I was shaking head to toe at the thought of yet another confrontation with this man but for some reason I waited.

He tried to tell the officers that I wouldn't give him back his grandson. I had only put him there so the boys could be cool and play while we waited. I helped E out of the car. The boys even exchanged toys as he got out. There was nothing I could do for that little guy but pray he would make it home safe.

I watched as he came around to tell G goodbye, tripped over his own feet and then wanted the officers to come to my car to look at my seat belts. He was stumbling, garbling words, and generally making his own case worse. It was like watching a train wreck.

As we left, I was shaking. G was confused. My mother was relieved. There is a cold, gripping fear that runs through me when we have moments like this. The uncertainty of events, the memories of past violence, the sadness of having not one, but two little boys witness scenes like this.

The fear runs through me like ice water. My mind jumps back and forth from memories to current events. I immediately think of what will happen next time. Will we go through this all again? Will he take out his hatred of me onto my baby? Why, oh why, is this fear a constant in our lives?

Later on last night, I was reading some posts from friends. Neither were aware of my day's events. One quoted Frank Herbert, "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me, I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (Thanks ECT for your post.)

Then next quoted the Bible, from Proverbs 29:25 , "The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the lord is safe." (Thanks DEW for your post.)

How I needed to hear both of those. I thought over them last night. They were still fresh on my mind this morning as our preacher taught on chaos. He spoke about chaos taking over, running rampant, until there is nothing more we can see. He asked the question we might ask in such a situation....WHERE IS GOD IN THE CHAOS?

Hovering....God is hovering right above the chaos, ready to swoop in and change this situation. Ready to pierce the darkness we are in with His light. Ready to bring order to this chaos. God is so close to us that we can feel the moisture of His breath on us. He is in the business of moving in, just as we are about to give up.

God sees our chaos as raw building materials that He can use. Not only will He move in, he will bring order and then create something beautiful and vibrant out of our chaos. We are moments away from God saying "Let there be light" in that darkness in our lives.

Thank you God Almighty for protecting us. Thank you for chasing away the fear. Thank you for ordering my chaos. And thank you for shining Your light in the darkness. I can feel Your breath on me. It is the most glorious feeling in the world.

Summer Visit

This last week has been pretty tough. We've done so many things that left me feeling a bit like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Our school held its graduation ceremony and end of the year activities yesterday. There was laughter and tears, saying goodbye to children and parents I have grown to love.

Then we've been dealing with the dreaded summer visit. The plan was for G to visit his dad beginning Thursday night and coming home on Tuesday. G has been upset for days over this visit. He makes comments about not wanting to go, he wants to stay at home, etc. On Tuesday night as he got into bed he cried over it. ALOT. He had some fears over not having a night light there and we quickly remedied that by putting one in his bag to take. But it didn't stop the fear and dread.

Then on Wednesday night as we were getting ready to go to bed, G dropped a toy on his foot. Now I know this hurt. His toenail immediately turned blue. No doubt that he was in pain. But after about half an hour of crying, screaming and all manner of melt down, it occurred to me that something else might be going on. When I did ask, he let loose even more. It all boiled down to the fact that he did not want to spend the night with his dad.

Well we did manage to get him on a positive track and by Thursday evening he was getting excited about the prospect of going to do some things like attending a birthday party. He was nervous getting in his dad's car but was ok. He said he wanted me to call the next night (something he usually doesn't ask for).

Now onto tonight...I called. He cried, begged and pleaded with me to come get him. "I want you Mama. I want to go home to my Mama's house!" He was sobbing so hard I could barely make out most of his words. I tried my best to calm him down, reassuring him of all the fun he would have. He would have no part of it. He decided that he'd rather come home than go to the birthday party, go camping or play with the relatives he only sees there.

The worst part was that his dad wouldn't give in. I told him I would come pick G up and bring him back the next morning if he still wanted to see G. Of course, he wouldn't hear of it. So I listened to my baby wail for me for over half an hour. I tried my best to comfort him . I tried my best to make him feel better, talking while tears rolled down my cheeks.

After the conversation ended, I prayed about this whole situation. I've told God I'm trying hard to trust in Him, to believe there is a purpose for all of this. I am trying to praise God no matter what, but it is so hard. Especially when it is my son who is hurting. That's got to be the worst pain of all.

God, in His wisdom, knew I needed some help. I came in to check my email and found this as part of a devotional. Only God could orchestrate this timing.

I hope this speaks to you as powerfully as it did to me........

The Most Difficult Prayer
by Phyllis Hobe

It may seem easy to pray in gratitude—until we come across Paul's words in Thessalonians 5:18: "In every thing give thanks" (KJV). I have looked up this verse in many translations and there is no way around it. Paul is telling us to be thankful for everything.

There are so many things for which I could not thank God, not if I were to be honest with Him. And for a long time I couldn't even approach this kind of thanksgiving prayer. How could I be grateful for death, disease, for human cruelty and selfishness, for all the pain in this world? No, I could not be. Yet my resistance troubled me. In every other way in which I prayed I had received God's love and blessings. I wondered, Am I missing something vital in my life by not being able to give thanks for everything?

Then one day when I was visiting a dear friend who suffers from crippling arthritis, she asked me to pray with her. In a voice weekened by chronic pain she began speaking to God. Here is what she said:

My Dear Lord,

My life hasn't been easy and you know better than anyone because I have called on You often for aid and comfort. I have asked You why You allow me to suffer so much. I did not begin my life knowing You but I have loved You for a long time now.

But this pain! It destroys the joy in my life and my ability to give joy to others. What can I do for You now, hurting as I am? Is there some way this pain of mine can be used for good? Can it be of value to my family who must look after me, as I looked after them?

O my beloved God, You are leading me to the place of thanksgiving, aren't You? I am beginning to see Your light in my darkness to see the blessings even in my pain. Although I am not as cheerful as I once was, I am compassionate. I am learning at this very moment that pain is not really my enemy. Pain is my teacher. I am being instructed in the art of sensing the hurt in life, and I trust that You will now let me learn how I can be a source of comfort to all those who suffer.

I am no longer angry, God, not at you and not at life. I may not move very well but You have increased my sensitivity. I thank You for that. And I thank You for the understanding that there is a purpose in all things. And You are there in all things. Thank You in the name of the Your suffering Son, whose example is now made clear to me. Amen.

My friend's prayer helped me to see that I can thank God for everything. It isn't easy. But is is good. And it is honest.

Hope

It's funny sometimes how my mind works. My son has been growing and changing, like all kids do, and somehow I started thinking that maybe he really doesn't have autism. Many people have told me that if I hadn't told them, they wouldn't have realized it. He behaves fairly typically. I let my mind go to that place of "what if....."

Then I went to a conference on autism in Tennessee. G's developmental pediatrician was the keynote speaker and they had many interesting topics like Occupational Therapy, ABA and Social Skills. It was a good day. I learned a lot and came home with ideas on how to help G as well as students in my class.

But probably the idea that hit home the most was that G definitely has autism. He fits the characteristics many professionals described. He does many of the things other parents talked about. He is the face of autism.

Instead of finding myself saddened or disappointed, I felt such hope. There was talk about the disturbing side of autism, but there was so much more emphasis on what can be done. There were positive stories told; success stories. Not just success in the autism world, not just in the earthly world but also in the spiritual world.

One professional briefly suggested that we check out a program called Mornings with Brant. It is apparently a morning radio show in the Chattanooga area. While I can't access the program here, I did visit the web site morningswithbrant.com . Brant is a happily married man of 20 years, successful Christian radio show host and has Asperger's. After exploring this website, I can't even begin to tell you the way I felt. The words seem inadequate but what comes to mind most is hope. Real hope.

If Brant can hold a job, have a wife and live for the Lord--while having Asperger's, then G can too! My sweet little three (almost four) year old can have it all. I know some may look at those three things and ask if that is "having it all". But I can't imagine being more successful than that. Having a job you love, that reaches people for God and furthers His kingdom, having a wife you love and that loves you in return and letting the world know that God provided it....wow, that's the life I want for G.

Thank you Father for providing hope for me, rejuvenating my spirit and most of all making it possible for my son to have it all!

A few funnies

G has said some cute things lately and I wanted to be sure to write them down before I forgot!

G has a small scrape on his ankle. It isn't healing too well so a few nights ago, he slept all night with the band-aid on. During breakfast, Nana was asking about it...does it hurt?...did we put medicine on it?....and lastly, where is the boo-boo? G's answer was "under the band-aid". ( If I remember correctly, Nana' s return to that answer was first laughter and then under her breath she mumbled that if he has that kind of smarty-pants answer in a few years............)

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My dad is very, very Southern. Lots of his wording has a definite drawl to it. G and Pop were talking and Pop mentioned "over yonder". G thought very seriously about the term. Then he got up, went over to the other side of the room and pointed, "Is that over yonder?"

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I wish I had a tape recorder most of the time so I could capture the things G says. Most of the time he isn't trying to solicit a laugh. He is just being himself. That is probably what makes it special. That's just my sweetheart.

Lately, he has taken to praying on his own before bedtime. He has some general prayers, and ones he's heard me pray often so he repeats them. A few nights ago, he sounded a bit like a preacher as he emphasized "Dear God" and "O Lord" in his words. Coming from a guy who usually just starts with "Dear Jesus" and ends with "AMEN", this was cute and touching at the same time. I might just have to break out the tape recorder!