Questions

This morning's sermon in church was so incredible, I had to come home a write it down so I didn't forget any points. I mean, it's one of those sermons that felt like God Himself had orchestrated just for me. So let me get right to it....

The text today came from Psalm 13.
     How long will you forget me, Lord? Forever? How long will you hide from me?
     How long must I worry and feel sad in my heart all day? How long will my enemy win over me?
     Lord, look at me. Answer me, my God; tell me or I will die.
     Otherwise my enemy will say, "I have won!"   Those against me will rejoice that I've been defeated.
     I trust in your love. My heart is happy because you have saved me.
     I sing to the Lord because he has taken care of me.

This is a psalm of lament. You know, sadness, grief and the like. My bible says that David wrote this one. He is clearly in pain. He's questioning God...where are you? How long are you going to let this go on? How long are you going to let the bad guys win?

Y'all this is the point where it gets real for me. Growing up, I went to a church that taught that you didn't question God. He is the almighty and we are to just obey. While I still believe that we are to obey, I have always struggled with the questioning part. I am FILLED with more questions than answers...about everything. I always thought that God wouldn't have created my mind in the way He did if He hadn't intended for me to question things. But then I would feel guilty and revert back to my upbringing. Don't question..just follow.

But this psalm (with the help of my pastor) brought things into a different light. We can question God and wonder and hurt and cry, if we just remember to ask His help over these things. Our pastor pointed out that there are four main points to this type of prayer.

   1. "Dear God"- I don't have to butter up God to get His attention. I don't have to lavish praises on Him just to get Him to hear me. All I have to do is speak His name. He hears my words but also knows my heart. Just calling on Him is enough to have His ear.
  2. "We are in pain"- It's ok to have the questions, to pour out our concerns, to ask God why these bad things are happening in our world. We are hurting here and it's fine for us to tell it all to God. He knows it anyway. His heart is moved by what is in our hearts.
  3. "Help!" - So we've told God all of the things we are struggling with. We've laid out our hearts before the King and we just ask for His help. Acknowledging that He is the only one who can do anything about it....well, that's what it's all about.
   4. "We trust you"--Taking the hurts in one hand and His hope in the other and laying them at the feet of Jesus....saying to God that we believe He is in charge and will help us.

Our pastor made another point that stands out with me so clearly. He said praying in this way is a form of worship. Worship. Isn't that amazing? Getting heart to heart with God is worship. Pouring out your very soul to him is worship. Asking for His help is worship. Trusting Him is worship.

 While singing praises and proclaiming God's greatness is also worship, having that deep, heartfelt connection with the King of Kings is the ultimate worship. Because we all know that there are times when our praise is just lip service. We say it because we "should" or because it's what we have been taught or because it's that part of the church service. But our desperate hearts crying out to God, believing Him and trusting Him to help us is always truth. There's no greater worship than honesty between you and your King.

Who knows where these cries lead? We know God is moved by our hearts. Maybe this cry, this outpouring, this pleading of genuine dependence is what will move God.  To quote our pastor, "The cries initiate history."

Father, today I thank you for sending this word to me. In this one sermon, you have answered so many questions for me. You gave me answers about myself but also about you. Please help me to remember this as I move forward in my walk with you.

Today, as I am struggling with so many things, I thank you for listening. I thank you for hearing my heart and feeling my pain. Please help me in this battle. Even more, please help me in turning this battle over to you, for it is your fight anyway.  In my hands are both the problem and your hope. I trust you with them and lay them at your feet. Please help me this very day. I love you my sweet Lord.

Testimony

I had a sweet friend text me tonight. She had read my blog a few days back and offered me some advice. She was worried about me and the anger I had expressed. (Thanks TP for thinking of me and stepping out to say so!!)

I have to be honest in saying that it got me to thinking. I do put this blog out there for all to see, even though most times I don't expect anyone to read it. Sometimes I write things for G to see later on in life. Sometimes I write things down so I don't forget. Most of the time I use this site to vent and to let out my emotions.

I definitely don't want to censor my thoughts and feelings. I need the outlet. But tonight my thoughts turned to my testimony. Some of the posts on this site are harsh. I know it. There are words that I could only say in the anonymity of the internet. But I don't want to ruin my testimony because I chose to say something crass.

So let me be clear...I'm struggling here just like everyone else. I have good days and bad. I've been through LOTS of things in my life. Part of my testimony is ugly. Most of my testimony is ugly. But I know that God is with me in this.

I get mad at Him. I yell and scream and question what is going on. I demand answers from Him like a spoiled toddler. I cry and beg and plead my case. I apologize and cry some more.  When it comes right down to it though, I ask Him for wisdom. I ask Him to lead me. I ask Him to protect us and love us. I just ask for Him to be with us always. That's how I make it through. Because I know amid all the fits and rage and hurt and pain, He is with us. He supplies me with what I need to get through the tough times and come out on the other side where I can see His hand.

Not many people know this about me, but I believe God gave me a vision of my life. He gave me a vision in which I am speaking to large groups of women about what I've been through. It's funny because if you know me, you know it petrifies me to stand up in front of a group to talk. So this is not something I would choose for myself.  Every now and then, I'm reminded of that vision and realize that God keeps adding to my story. I'm meant to tell it someday.

So friends, if you do read this blog, please take heart. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I know I am all over the place when I write...sometimes I'm so filled with the Spirit I can hardly contain myself. Other times I'm so hurt and angered that I don't see God anywhere on the horizon.  But God is using it all for His glory. I can never figure out how He does it, but He does.

Tonight my prayer, as always is for protection and peace. And for my story to help someone...one day I will be there to tell it all.

Homesick

Today has been a great day! It is our first day out of school for the Christmas holiday and the plan was to head to the mall to see Santa. It's pouring rain but when we got to the mall, I got a close up parking spot right in front. Then in the area to see Santa, there was no line. That's right, five days before Christmas and there is no line. Sweet! Off to lunch at a favorite restaurant where once again there is no line, no wait for a table. We even had time for a long afternoon nap.

Even though I couldn't have asked for a better day, something was nagging at me all day. Sort of a heavy feeling hanging over me. Now there are real problems we are dealing with...things between G and his dad aren't great, a friend's mom is battling cancer, business isn't as good as we need it to be, several days ago was the shooting at a school in Connecticut that is still in the back of my mind. But what I was feeling today, wasn't based on any of those things. That just wasn't "it".

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I'm homesick. I'm homesick for a place I've been promised but never been to. I'm homesick for the end to tears and sickness and ready for some real peace. I'm homesick for days spent in joy, not worry or heartache. I'm homesick for heaven.

I can't wait to spend my days praising God. Just strolling through the streets of gold, holding my baby boy's hand, taking in the splendor of Heaven. I just can't wait! 

I am homesick, dear Lord. Come quickly!

With a disclaimer...

If you readers are sensitive, please stop reading now. It's been a tough week and I need to vent. Remember, I warned you.

Letter to "him",
I don't need to address this. You know who you are. You are a cruel, horrible man. You would rather get your way than do what's best for your son. You know what's happening to him. You hear him cry. You hear the hurt in his voice. But you only want your way. You would rather put him in the middle and make him miserable because you know how much I love him. You fight for him because you know it hurts me.

All I can say is that you must be evil. I used to think there is good in everyone. But not you. You are evil to the core. You've proven over and over again the damage you can do. You have abused us (and other people) physically and mentally. Yet for some reason, you always come out on top.

You wonder why your son doesn't want to be around you, yet he has seen you hit women. He's seen you attack them. He's heard your anger. HE HAS WITNESSED IT AND HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU AT ALL...and you can't stand that. You can't stand that he can talk and tell us what you do. And make no mistake, he tells everyone what you do. He even has conversations on the playground about what you do to people.

So you sit back now on your high horse and continue to believe that you will always come out on top. You fool yourself into thinking that it is always someone else's fault. You go take your drugs and wash it down with your alcohol until you convince yourself that you are the victim here.

But I've got news for you. You've sold your soul to the devil and he will take you to the depths of hell where you belong. You don't deserve to be walking around, making everyone afraid. You don't deserve the love of a family, especially this wonderful, sweet boy. You are a disgusting, worthless human being. I'm not sure you even deserve to be called a human being.

I pray every day that God would strike you down..that he would make you suffer as much as you've made us suffer. I want you to feel the pain you've caused your son.  I want you to see the disgust and contempt that people feel for you. Even more, I want you to realize what you've lost. I want you to hurt to the depths of your heart the way those who loved you have hurt. I want you praying to be saved from the horror you feel...then maybe you'll know what it's like. But then I wish for you the most horrible, painful death anyone can image. And I want you to be tortured in hell for all eternity. You don't deserve anything less.