A word..

I received the most amazing word from the Lord today. Only a few times have I received such a strong, sure thing that I can stand upon it. Those times when I know that I know that I know......like when I was praying to be pregnant, God told me I would have a son and that he would grow up to preach His word. I wrote it down on a scrap of paper that was inside my Bible so I wouldn't forget....now I have a 2 year old son. Amazing.

Today at the beginning of the church service the pastor gave an altar call for those needing miracles.( There has been a particular miracle I have been praying for....I have prayed for my ex-husband to be out our of our lives completely. God knows my heart and that I honestly feel that growing up without this man in our lives would be the best thing for G. And for me. There has been so much hurt, pain, fear...I don't want to give the enemy any glory so I'll just say that he has done a number on our family! ) I know that if this prayer is answered, it will only be by God's deliverance. There is nothing I can do in my own power. So today when the altar call was given, I went forward to pray. I've asked God repeatedly for this miracle to manifest. I heard an altar worker lean over me to pray. He prayed a kind of general prayer, then left to pray for someone else. He came back to me and asked if there is something more specific he could pray about. Now it wasn't like I was the only one at the altar to be prayed for. The altar was literally packed. He could have prayed the first time and moved on. But God urged him back toward me and I told him of my specific needs. We prayed together and I left the altar. I have never met this man, nor can I recall seeing him in church before. His face wasn't familiar. I didn't know his name.

As I went back to my seat, someone began speaking in tongues. As the interpretation was given, the Lord said that if I come to him without doubt, that which I have asked for would be given. Now that is amazing enough in itself but through my tears as I was praising God and thanking Him, I noticed the altar worker who had prayed for me. He wore a name tag..."Don". That is also my dad's name.

Some may call all of this coincidence or happenstance, but I know this is neither of those. This is God, real and at work in my life. And I humbly thank Him from the bottom of my heart.

Out of the Pit

I've just finished reading Beth Moore's "Get Out of That Pit". It was very insightful as I have been praying for God's deliverance out of a particular situation.

As I neared the end of the book, Beth is speaking in a chapter called "Singing a new song". She is suggesting that we might get to hear the musical score of our lives when we finally get to Heaven. Be sure to read this book if you get a chance, but this particular part moved me so much, I wanted to share it here.....

"I hope it won't be just a CD. It needs to be a DVD. Real drama happens to real flesh and blood, playing out on the stage of earth's own sod but narrated from heaven's viewpoint. We won't just hear the music; we'll see the movie. Surely all the best parts are held in heavenly archives that will be opened to us when we're there. Only this time, we'll get to see the whole picture:the raging war in the unseen realm that took place over our heads as the angels of light fought the angels of darkness. We'll see exactly where Jesus was and what He was doing while every event unfolded. We'll hear the voice of God commanding the elements to cooperate. Our bonds to disintegrate. And, after all our waiting, we'll get to know the exact moment when God yelled, "Now!" "

Can you imagine? My soul is leaping for joy even as the tears flood my eyes at this thought! I sometimes forget that the things that happen here don't just happen here. Praise God! And thank you to Beth Moore for painting this illustration so vividly for me!

So Blessed

Last night we piled in the car with snacks and drinks, driving an hour to see our school's annual holiday performance. This was the first year I had attended as a guest, not as part of the staff. It was a little surreal sitting in the audience watching former students sing on stage.

I looked at children I had taught years before, now almost as tall as me. I watched children that were once shy standing on stage enjoying their moment in the spotlight. I noticed missing teeth, new hair cuts and growth spurts....all in only about 6 months time. It seemed like much longer!!

We made our rounds backstage before the show, hoping to say hello to a few people. I was overwhelmed by the hugs and smiles we received. I honestly cannot recall just how many people came up to us to talk. There were lots of laughs and even a few tears as I reconnected with great friends.

My mom was with me and she made the comment that she was so proud of me. She said it was clear how much people really thought of me. I am definitely not tooting my own horn here...it was actually a shock to hear her say it. I have always second-guessed my actions toward students and their parents. I hoped I was positive, not too harsh...I hoped most of all my love showed through for them.

I'm still not sure that my feelings for them were well conveyed, but it was clear to me that I am loved by them. I felt so supported and honored to be a part of that community. It's like an extension of my own family. As I thought about all of those wonderful people today, I was sure to thank God for extending His love to me...through them. I am blessed beyond measure.

Awesome Responsibility

Since my friend had a post on her blog about Mary, I have thinking about her a lot. I sometimes forget she was so young. Today, the pastor spoke about her as well. His sermon was focused on the vision that Mary received from the angel telling her that she would bear the Son of God.

Can you imagine the pressure Mary felt when she received this vision? Not only would she be pregnant as a virgin, but she would be carrying the Savior of the world! She would be responsible for raising Him. God Himself entrusted her with caring for His most precious gift. She had this incredible vision but in truth, really couldn't comprehend all that Jesus meant to the world.

It got me thinking about my own son. Now, I'm not comparing him to Jesus in a blasphemous way. I know he is not going to redeem the world. I know he was not sent here as my personal savior. But I do know he was sent here with a purpose. I know God has a mighty plan for his life.

What an awesome responsibility I have to raise him. I don't know how he will affect humanity or whose life he will ultimately touch. But I believe he will touch lives. I believe he is a walking example of God's love. God entrusted me with caring for this precious gift. To raise him up in the image of Jesus. To teach him and guide him as he learns to lean on God for himself. God entrusted me.

I also thought about the years I spent with children before my son was born. I've taught children for 15 years, in different areas and settings. I am humbled that God allowed me to have a part to play in their lives as well. I am saddened by the thought that I have not always done my very best. There were times I was not walking with the Lord and I know this was reflected in the way I interacted with the children. For those times, I have asked forgiveness. And now I am thankful that God has allowed me more chances to spread His love.

What an awesome responsibility...what an incredible, overwhelming, tremendous, amazing, astonishing responsibility. I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Hearing His Voice

Our pastor spoke today on hearing the voice of God. He gave one illustration that hit home with me. I'm writing it today so I don't forget....

He spoke of Driver's Ed class in school. Students drove cars under specific directions, yet other times were given "free time" to drive and practice as they wished. The only rule was to keep the radio tuned to the AM radio station so they could hear the instructor's voice.

On this particular day during free time, he decided that he would turn the radio to an FM station and jam out for awhile. After all, it was free time! So as he was cruising around and practicing his 'figure 8's' he didn't hear the instructor's voice who decided that all the other cars should follow his lead. Had he heard this set of directions, he would never have chosen the path he did. What ensued was a gridlock of cars and a mess that took quite some time to rectify. All because he hadn't been listening.

He spoke of this as a metaphor of how we respond to God's voice. God talks to us but if we aren't listening to Him, we miss out on the plans He has for us. We miss His wisdom and guidance. We might even miss it when He calls out His love for us.

I am guilty of being so caught up in the 'doing' of my life that I don't slow down enough to listen. My goal is to listen intently to Him....I sure don't want to miss ANYTHING He has for me!

At the heart of every storm....

"At the heart of every storm there is a victory waiting to be claimed"...my friend's blog uses this quote borrowed from her friend's letter.

I am thankful tonight that my friend posted this.

I had an especially hard evening. I sat in my car and prayed and cried for a long time. I want divine intervention in a particular situation in my life. I have asked God for this miracle every single day for over 2 years. Tonight I felt hurt and even a bit mad at God for not granting this request yet. I am torn between feeling love toward my Father and the desire to scream at Him. So tonight in the car I did both.

I asked God for answers. I cried. I begged. I sobbed. Then I got mad. I screamed at Him at the top of my lungs. Really, really screamed at Him. I really let Him have it! But in return, God calmed my spirit and gave me peace. I was able to repent for my disrespect toward Him and left the car feeling more relaxed. I pondered my situation for a while and then I came across my friend's blog.

"At the heart of every storm there is a victory waiting to be claimed". My victory? God's victory? Really it doesn't matter, for they are one in the same. God has promised us victory...and He always keeps His promises.

I am grateful tonight to have a Lord who speaks to me so personally. He allows my tantrums and tears but comforts me in a way no one else can. I also thank God for my friend...she writes what is on her heart. And tonight God laid on her heart what to write to meet my heart.

Part of the Club

Last week we met some friends for dinner. We had a fantastic time...the kids playing, the adults chatting. We got to catch up on who-did-what and where-are-they-now sort of things. The children hadn't met before and although they were of various ages, they seemed to enjoy each other's company.

One of the other children has Autism, just like my son. As moms, we compared notes on development and Autism-isms. I took comfort in the fact that her child was older than mine, and they had survived and thrived in areas that we too are now facing.

As we traveled home, I was thinking about being part of this "Autism Club". As I prayed that night, I found myself once again so sad at this thought. I don't think it is fair for a child...mine or hers or any child at all...to have Autism. I don't want my son to be part of this club. I don't want her child to be part of this club. I questioned God, I begged God, I cried out to God to change this. I gave God all kinds of ways that would work...as if He (God Almighty, Creator of the Universe) needed my help!

This Sunday as the pastor preached his message he made a point that stuck with me. We often try in our own strength to fix things. When that doesn't work, we tell God how to fix it. It is not our job to do this, only to believe that He is God and He has our best interest at heart. If we are truly His followers and are striving to live a life that is pleasing to Him, we have to believe in His sovereignty.

It's hard for me, I admit it. I am wired to lay out a plan, follow the path and see the end result turn out to be exactly what I expected. It's really hard for me when that doesn't happen. But I am reminded that if God knows the number of hairs on my head, He is very aware of everything else that is in my life . Not only is He aware of it, but none of it has been a surprise to Him. He has allowed things to happen that ultimately show His glory. It is His plan. It is His path. It is His end result. It is all for Him.

My head swims at the thought of my Father carefully planning out my life, my son's life, my friend's life...from beginning to end. It amazes me. I am in awe. And I can let go of my own plan because I know the one my Lord has for me it so much better than anything I can ever imagine. Thank you God for this reminder.

Clovers

Our yard has lots of patches of clovers. LOTS of patches of clovers. It's become a little challenge between my mother and I too see who can find the most with four leaves. My son has even gotten into the spirit by pointing "right there" at which plant he thinks might be good luck.

I was outside yesterday bending over looking into yet another patch which seemed to have no four-leaf clovers in it. I'm a bit competitive so my back was aching as I kept searching. Finally I decided to just sit down...why hadn't I thought of it before??

As I sat down on the ground, a four-leaf clover was right there for the taking. I heard God speak to me....
"Sometimes you have to get right down in the middle of things".

I thought about my family, friends, those who I pray for. And I realized that I don't always take action. Yes, I pray as I am called to do. But often I don't extend a hand. I don't get right in the middle of things and try to help. I tend to take more of a sidelines approach. My prayer today is that I jump in with both feet and get right down in the middle of things. Help me Lord to be more of a "doer" than of a "watcher". I know You'll give me the strength and wisdom to accomplish my goal.

Normal LIfe

It seems that life has been so busy lately. We've rushed to therapy, afraid we would be late. We've made a quick trip to the store to grab a few last minute items. We've already begun thinking about(and buying) Christmas gifts. We've baked a cake for the aunt who invited us for dinner. We've made plans to meet dear friends next week. We've gone to church. We've even gone trick of treating.

Today as I was mulling over all we've done and all that if forth coming, I was struck by a thought....this is all part of normal life. That might not seem like a "light bulb over the head " moment to anyone else, but for me it was.

There was a time in my life when I questioned if our lives would ever be normal. My son was medically fragile and I wasn't sure we'd ever live the life others did. As he was diagnosed with Autism recently, I heard those questions again in my mind.

But last night, as we went house to house saying "tic teet" (trick or treat) and blowing kisses to each one who opened their door, I felt such peace. Life is normal, but also better than normal. Blowing kisses to a stranger isn't typical, but it's good. Grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the next house is what a lot of kids do, but for us it was a milestone. Asking for "one more" piece of candy after coming back inside is a battle for some but it made me smile. I'd had a perfectly normal evening....and I felt so blessed. Thank you Lord.

Two thoughts

Last night I was watching a show on TV. The man on the show worked with youth, particularly college and high school age. He shared an interesting thought...there are 2 main demonic spirits that attack us. Insecurity and Inferiority. He said you can see them running rampant in most of the world, but particularly with the younger crowds. He also said that the other spirits draw their energy from those 2 main ones.

I've been mulling this over all day. It certainly is conceivable to me that this could be true. The question is how to overcome it..........

Interestingly enough, after listening to this show I was reading my Bible. The verse that stood out to me was Jeremiah 29:13-14 " When you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed" (The Message). Maybe it's time to get serious.........

Praying for miracles

Anyone who knows me and my situation know that I have been praying for a particular miracle for over two years now. Sometimes I am sure it is coming right now. Other times I can't seem to muster any encouragement it is coming my way at all.

My friend Jennifer just posted a blog about a miracle she has been a part of. It totally renews my faith. Isn't it amazing that God can not only create a miracle for one person, but its effects rub off on other people?? It blows my mind that God is so huge that He can do it all!!!

Lord, thank you for making a difference in all our lives. And bless the one who needed the miracle to begin with.

Swinging

As my son and I were outside today I got a picture of how God helps us....

We were swinging, my son on my lap. He held on to the ropes but I also held on to him. I envisioned this same scenario except it was me sitting on God's lap. I held on to the ropes so I felt like I had some control but also felt the safety of God's arms around me. When went high and low, fast and slow, straight and zig zag but He never let go of me. He never let me fall. Yes, my stomach felt queasy a few times when the swing went higher and higher but God just squeezed me tighter so I could feel His presence. When the ride was over, He set me down on the ground gently.

Thank you Lord for always holding me. And thank you for using something like a swing to make your presence known to me.

Roller Coaster

Up and down. Up and down. Does anyone else's life seem like a roller coaster? Kind of ironic that I am terrified of that particular theme park ride....

I've just finished reading a book called "God Said Yes" by Heather Hornback-Bland. It's a story of a woman who has had well over 100 surgeries, divorced, miscarried... seems like if it was something bad, it has happened to her. As rough as her life was, she found strength in God. It's really an amazing story. And it's given me some fresh perspective on this roller coaster ride.

One of the points in her book was that we can tell God what we really think. We can be mad at Him. We can say we hate Him. We can scream and cry and moan to Him. He can take whatever we dish out. It's no surprise to Him. His shoulders are big enough to carry the load.

She also says that God doesn't owe us anything. At one point she thought she was being rewarded for her pain but the "reward" was then taken away. She couldn't understand it. But she came to learn that God gives gifts. He gives them freely, not as part of a reward system.

I knew these things already...really, I did. It was a bit strange to see them spelled out on the page I was reading. It was like the light bulb came on over my head (like you see in cartoons) but at the same time I was slapping myself in the forehead because I already knew it! God spoke to me in so many ways in this book. Please read it for yourself if you get the chance.

One thing I do know for sure...the ups and downs don't end. Sometimes I'm prepared for them and sometimes they sneak up on me. But I am learning to lean on the one who is always prepared. He is always there, knowing what will happen before it happens to me. He comforts, He loves, He provides. And I am forever grateful.

Great Day

I seem to post often about the tough times so today I thought I'd be sure to share my thoughts about yesterday......it was an absolutely great day!

My son was especially loving toward me. I got lots of squeezes and kisses. He answered "yes ma'am" several times. He cleaned up his toys. He followed directions without being asked a million times.

We baked cookies. We played outside. We read books. We had fun. It was a great day!

It was pure joy just to spend time with him. I thought about how it must make God feel when we spend time with Him. When we just bask in our time with Him. I am so thankful that God provides those times with Him and our earthly families as well. They mean so much to me!

Poem

I don't know the author of this poem, but it speaks volumes to me. Thanks to my friend, Ms. P, for sending it my way years ago..........

I asked God to take away my pain. God said no. It is not for me to take away but for you to give up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said no. His spirit it whole, his body is only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience. God said no. Patience is a by-product of tribulations. It isn't granted, it's earned.
I asked God to give me happiness. God said no. I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me suffering. God said no. Suffering draws you away from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said no. You must grow on your own but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said no. I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.
I asked God to help me love others as much as He loves me. God said.....Ahhh, finally you have the idea.

Rain, Rain

Well the weatherman said it would rain today. In our area, he was pretty close to the estimated arrival time. The bottom seemed to drop out of the sky at 1:30 (weather guys predicted 2:00). Of course I was knee deep in errands and grocery shopping. Transferring bags from the cart to the car...soaking wet. I mean so wet that not only were my clothes and shoes wet but even the undies were soaked!!!

On the drive home, it was a torrential downpour. I passed several accidents. The traffic on the highway was creeping down the road. I silently prayed as we drove. I asked God to let us get home safely. I prayed for each person I could think of as we drove through that storm.

We got home just fine. Soaked but fine. After I had changed my clothes and was once again dry, my dad came inside after working in his shop out back. He wasn't wet although he had to walk through the yard to come into the house. When I asked how it was that he was dry, he winked and said he "had connections!" We laughed because I was telling him that I just prayed to stay safe, I never thought about asking to stay dry!

The moment was light hearted and funny to all of us. I didn't really mind getting wet. And we did make it home safely to a house that thankfully hasn't been flooded like so many others. But it did strike a cord with me...how many times do I just forget to ask?

I know that being safe was more important to me than staying dry today so I am grateful my prayer was answered. But I am reminded of the scripture that says 'you have not because you ask not'. Lord, help me to keep a right perspective and not become greedy in my requests, but also help me to remember to turn to you in everything. I know if something is on my mind, You are interested in it too.

Out of my comfort zone

My son has some trouble with sensory processing. For him, changes in routine are a big deal. New textures, new places, new people....it can all be overwhelming. It can manifest in a shy smile or a total meltdown.

Recently we have pushed him a bit and he's tried lots of new things. Some were met with wide eyed wonder and joy, some met with tears and fear. But I am so proud of him because he TRIED them.

I promised to help him through and he put his trust in me. Even though he didn't like some of the things, I hope he got the message that I was trustworthy. I held his hand. I walked beside him. I even carried him when it was too much for him to do on his own.

My thoughts turned to my Savior. He pushes me sometimes. I go through new experiences with Him.Sometimes I meet them with wide eyed wonder and joy, others with tears and fear. But He never lets me go. He holds my hand, walks with me and even carries me. He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy. Thank you Lord for reminding me.

Hope

I've been struggling a lot lately. It's obvious from my writings. I have been praying for a particular miracle in my life for over 2 years now. Sometimes it seems as though it will never come. I bargain with God (although I know that's not how it works), I cry, I beg, I plead, I try to "do right", I try all that is with in my power to make it happen. Most of all I hope.

I hope that this miracle will happen soon...today. I hope the decisions I make for my family are the best. I hope that I am the best person I can be. Most of all I hope in the Lord.

"No one who hopes in me ever regrets it" (Isaiah 49:23-The Message). This is by far the best thing to hope in. I know that no matter what life throws at me or my family, I will never regret hoping in the Lord. Thank you heavenly Father for your love.

Fresh look

I'm so glad when I get a fresh look at something..a new perspective. I recently bought "The Message" Bible to add to my collection of other versions. I'm studying the book of Isaiah. I was actually focused on a different subject when this verse struck me....

" So to whom will you compare me, the Incomparable? Can you picture me without reducing me?" (Isaiah 46:5)

It made me think. Really think. Can I really picture God without reducing Him? My vision is limited to this earth. I can't really comprehend how vast, how amazing, how wonderful He is. I find it hard to wrap my mind around this idea that MY God is the same one who hung the stars in place. MY God is the one who knows everything that has been and all that is to come. MY God is He who is everywhere....EVERYWHERE! It boggles my mind to think of it all.

I pray that I am able remember all that the scriptures tell me about God. I want to know Him in every way. I want Him to reveal Himself to me in every circumstance. I want to picture Him without reducing Him to the human level. Help me do that Lord.

Lost

Tonight I am lost...or at least I feel that way. I am hurt, angry and afraid. I've just learned that my son no longer has medical insurance. His dad is supposed to cover the cost but that isn't happening. I don't have the money to provide it myself. Even if I did, his Autism diagnosis might be a pre-existing condition that won't be covered.

I am unsure of what to do next. Health care is expensive enough in general but when you add therapy several times a week and specialists, the costs are through the roof.

I am mostly afraid of letting my son down. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves to get whatever help he needs to learn to live his life. How do I look at him each day knowing he isn't getting the services he needs because the adults in his life aren't doing the right thing?

It's more than just the money. It's more than just the insurance. It's fear. It's anger. It's sadness. It sometimes seems that the more you try to do the right thing, the more things go wrong.

I believe that my son has a calling upon his life to preach the gospel. And I know that the enemy will do whatever he can to put a stop to that. I know we face this daily as we come under attack. But my heart breaks for this innocent little boy has to face these things.

I've been reading about the sovereighty of God. My head knows that God will provide. My head knows that God will protect us. My head knows that God will work all of this out for our best and His glory. But the message sometimes has trouble reaching my heart.

As I sit here writing this, I am wearing a shirt that says "God is good". I know that God has already brought us through so much, and He promises to be with us in this too. I know it. I believe it. Even as I cry over it, I feel the tug on my spirit.

For now, I'll pray. ALOT. And I'll also pray that this blog will be a testimony. I pray I'll be able to come back later and give a praise report about this situation. Would you please pray that too?

Milestones

Today I was playing outside with my son. He was riding his toy car, kicking a ball, having lots of fun. Average things for a two year old to do. After some active play, I offered him a drink. He's not much for water alone but a plastic water bottle "like Nana's" was too hard for him to resist.

It was then that I was moved to tears. Over a water bottle.

I was reminded that this was the baby who was once tube fed. Who once lay in the hospital gravely ill after a life-flight from an infection. Who we weren't sure would ever come home to the nursery we'd prepared.

As he insisted that the water bottle would fit into the cup holder of his car, I sat in amazement of God's healing power. As I watched this little boy, my heart was so full it felt like it would burst.

As a parent, milestones are sometimes measured in what our children do...when they sit up, walk, talk. But on days like today, our milestones are measured in what no longer happens. No more tubes, no more medicine, no more sickness.

Healings happen. Miracles occur. Prayers are answered. Thank You God.

"Jesus Shirt"

I was standing in line today at Wal-Mart. There were 2 people in front of me at the customer service desk when I got in the line. One man was at the desk and the woman in front of me was waiting her turn to be next. Can you believe that not one, not two, but THREE people (separate from each other) ended up cutting in front of the woman and the rest of us in line. It was so rude. The woman in front of me actually turned around to me and said "Where do they keep coming from??"

I was almost at the end of my rope. For one person to do it was bad enough but 3...I opened my mouth to say something to the 'line cutters' but as I did, I remembered that I was wearing what my son calls my "Jesus shirt". It has a cartoon picture of Jesus with "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so" written on it. Suddenly I was convicted. Here I was, representing Jesus and about to tell these people off!

Then, I was convicted again...more so this time. I represent Jesus EVERY DAY. Not just the days He is shown on my clothing. He is represented in all I do, all I say, all I am. My heart was saddened at the thought of what I almost did.

I pray God reminds me loudly and often that I am an ambassador for Him. I pray He helps me keep my perspective in situations like this one. I pray most of all that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart will be acceptable in His sight.

Songs

Songs get stuck in my head. Sometimes it's a commercial jingle, sometimes a "kid's" song, sometimes it's from the church choir.....

" It's all because of Jesus I'm alive
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ
Covers me and raised this dead man's life
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive."

It just keeps repeating through my mind. I have meditated on it for a couple of days now and the more I do, the more it sinks in. Not only am I alive as in eternal life but also this physical life. I think back to times in my life that I was spared. It could only be the blood of Jesus covering me that was my protection. It was only the blood of Jesus covering me that allowed me to live this life I now have. He raised this dead man's life....

If you don't know Jesus, I urge you to talk to Him. He is here. Right where you are. Sitting with you as you read this. All you have to do is tell Him "I'm a sinner. I've been wrong. I love You and believe You. I claim Your love for me. Jesus, please put Your arms around me and make me Yours." And it doesn't have to be those words, just pour out your heart to Him. He will accept you. No questions asked. All you have to do is talk to Him. His unconditional love is the one thing you can count on in this life.

If He can cover me with His love, He will do it for anyone.

Nice to who?

Today I ran about a thousand errands. Maybe more than that. I was in and out of stores, a restaurant, driving all over town. I tried my best to be polite to the cashiers, waiter, even those other drivers.

As I returned home a thought struck me. I was nicer to those strangers today than I have been sometimes to my own family. I'm glad I was kind and patient today, don't get me wrong. I hope that those who looked at me today saw not me, but Jesus.

But it also saddened me a bit to know that sometimes my family gets the worst of me just because they are my family. My family doesn't always look at me and see Jesus. Sometimes they see me with a frown, a short temper or plain old rudeness. I remember to say 'please' and 'thank you' to complete strangers but not always to those who are nearest and dearest to me.

So my prayer today is that the Lord continue to remind me of this. To continue to show the world the love of Jesus. Outside my home as well as in it.

Plans change

My son's therapist has a sick child so she had to cancel our therapy for today. I can completely understand. Sick kids come first.

But the "schedule" says we have therapy today. The schedule says we have to get ready on time, get in the car on time, drive to the clinic on time.....Now the schedule has changed. I find myself with a chunk of time with nothing appropriated to it. And for a few minutes I actually flounder. (I'm kind of a "schedule gal"...can you tell?)

It made me think of all the times I've had plans for my life. I've made my own schedule. I've decided what choices to make. Many times, I'm ashamed to say, the decisions were made without giving much thought to what God wants for me. I went on feelings, on selfish desires, on what I thought was best.

God still deals with me on this subject. He reminds me daily that it is His plan. My job is to seek His face and love Him. And oh, how I love Him! I stand in awe of all He is.

So for scheduling, I'm learning to pray first and act second. I'm learning to listen for that still, small voice that whispers to me. I'm also asking God to sometimes YELL... I'm a bit hard of hearing !

Lazy, lazy

Today I am feeling just plain lazy. We got to bed on time last night, slept well, haven't had an especially stressful morning....I am just feeling lazy. I struggle with days like this. Do I kick back and take it easy or push myself and do something productive?

I want to be a good steward of my time and energy. I want all I do to be pleasing to my Lord. I want to set a good example for my son. But the human side of me wonders if Jesus felt like this while He was on Earth. Did He ever just want to "veg out"? Somehow, I can't quite imagine it.

I do think that the Lord allows us time of peace and refreshing, knowing that we need to recharge from the past and prepare for the future. I think today I will go with this lazy feeling...being grateful for the day to do nothing. Being grateful for the day to enjoy the sunshine. Being grateful for the time to play with my son. Being grateful for this day in which we have no major commitments. Being grateful for life.

So maybe this isn't some random lazy spell...maybe it was designed as an opportunity to be grateful to my God. For who He is and what He's done in my life. Thank you Lord. Thank You!

Peace

We've had one crazy week. Between a sick child, doctor's appointments, therapy sessions and a family visit it seems we haven't slowed down at all. Today, the Lord sent us a time of peace and refreshing. The weather has cooled down, there was a breeze blowing outside....we had time just to enjoy being outside.

One song has been on my mind over the last few days...
"I love you Lord and I lift my voice
To worship you. O my soul
Take joy my King in what you hear
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear"

I pray I can carry this peace with me no matter what the days to come bring. Thank you Lord for knowing exactly what we need and when we need it.

Therapy

My son was recently diagnosed with Autism. We are dealing with a myriad of therapy for him and today we went for a new OT evaluation. I am learning a lot as we go along but admit I feel one step behind in the process. The therapist was very knowledgeable and kind but the more she pointed out his faults, the more discouraged I became. She wasn't trying to hurt me, she was only making sure that we understood in what areas we need to work. Inside my heart was crying. This is my baby. This is my BABY. This is MY baby.

I want him to be perfect. I want a cure. I want him to be free to run and play, not go to therapy to learn how to tolerate swinging. I want him to have clear speech, not to look at me with those big blue eyes and wonder why Mama doesn't understand what he is telling me. I don't want him to struggle. I just want him healthy and happy and whole.

As I was having my pity party today, God reminded me of something I'd recently read. A friend's blog led me to another...a woman I don't know at all. A person I'll probably never meet. She carried her daughter with the knowledge that her baby was too medically fragile to survive. Her baby lived only 2 1/2 hours. My heart was broken for her.

God reminded me that my miracle is almost 2 1/2 YEARS old. His beginning may have been medically fragile too but he is here. With me. Hugging me. Smiling at me. Loving me.

God also reminded me that this earth is not our home. All the things I wish for my son will be given....in Heaven. There will be no misunderstandings, no struggles. Only wholeness and joy as we spend eternity with our Father.

So we will work hard. We will learn and grow and mature. And we will be thankful for the opportunity to do so. Both my son and myself.

One more for today...

Yesterday, I sat with my son in the pediatrician's office. We waited for 55 minutes for them to call our name. 55 minutes past our scheduled appointment. Then we waited in the examination for at least another 20 minutes before we saw the doctor. (Did I mention my son is 2 years old?)

Upon entering the room, the doctor's first words were "I'm so sorry you had to wait so long". True to my southern upbriging my reply was "It's okay."
But the doctor felt differently, "No, it's not. That's too long to wait!" Actually, she was echoing my true feelings. I HATED waiting. Especially in a room of sick children, breathing their sick germs all over my baby! (Insert Oscar performance here).
But I answered, "But we survived!" The doctor laughed and we got on with the exam.

When I got home, I thought about the waiting. And I thought about something I heard on TV. Some people in the Bible were healed or delivered immediately. Others were healed "as they went". The woman on TV talked about her "wenting"....being healed as she went on with her life. I so often pray to God for immediate healing and immediate miracles, and I do believe He can do it. But often He chooses the "wenting" for my life. As hard as it is sometimes, I am thankful He chose it that way. I am no longer the person I once was. I learn alot in the "wenting".

I pray God opens my eyes to all the miracles He has for me...the ones I pray for and the ones I didn't even know I wanted.

Watching my Father

My dad broke his leg earlier this summer and as a result has spent his time off his feet. He is now able to walk with the help of crutches and has gotten strong enough to mow the grass on the riding lawnmower. Dad loves to be outside and is probably the only person I know who says yard work makes him relaxed. He can also be seen on his big blue tractor cutting what we call the "front forty".

This week as I watched my dad work, I thought how happy he looked as he was getting the yard into shape. He took his time with it, knowing the task would yield a beautiful result. I had to resist the urge to help. I was worried it would be too much for him, given that he is only recently regaining his strength. I wanted to hurry him along and have him come back inside so as not to be too worn out from the heat.

Then I realized that I tend to do the same thing with my Heavenly Father. He is pruning and shaping me, knowing that the task would yield a beautiful result. But I try to hurry Him along. I worry. I think I can do the job myself. I try to take over.

I'm praying that I can remember these times of pruning are coming from a Father's love. That although it may be in the middle of the heat, this is the time that God is refining me. I pray that I may let the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, do the work in me that He needs to do...so I can become the person He wants me to be. For His glory alone.

History

My past is what i consider to be rocky. I have done many things I am ashamed of. I have lived a life that at times was so far away from God. My heart breaks when I dwell on some of the decisions I've made without God's counsel. And the devil is sure to remind me often of those.

In church this week, the pastor spoke of what he called a "lark moment". He told of a young man who was hooked on drugs. His parents asked everyone they knew to pray for him but it seemed like he would never live the life he had once had. He seemed lost. Then one Sunday he called his mother and told her he absolutely must attend church with her. The service was uneventful until the gift of tongues was spoken. The interpretation was given. To paraphrase " Little Bird, return to Me. Little Bird, today you are home....." The young man's name was Lark. He was delivered that day and completely set free from his bondage.

That story reminded me of the many "lark moments" I've had. My Father God has brought me out of so much. He has given me a testimony that shows His grace, mercy and most of all His love for me. And if He can love me, He can love anyone. I am reminded that although I have far to go, He has brought me so far already.

There is a song that says "Oh praise the one who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead". Thank you Father for saving me. I am forever grateful for this life that was changed.

Following the rules

Yesterday my son came home from a visit with his dad...no nap this afternoon so he was a real grouch! He was easy to tantrum, cry and was just generally miserable. He was so tired that even at bed time he was almost too tired to sleep!

It made me think about following the rules. Now my son is only 2 and it wasn't his responsibility to put himself down for a nap, but when the routine , or rules, weren't followed, life was rough for him (and Mama). I was thinking of the rules that God has set for us and how life seems to be much easier when I follow them. When I hear God tell me to do something and I don't do it or I procrastinate or argue back with God, my life gets miserable. Things happen that could have been prevented if I had just followed the path my Father had laid out for me.

Help me to stay on your path Lord because I really do believe you have my best interest at heart.

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you, says the Lord. I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NCV)

Just Beginning

After reading my friend J's wonderful blogs, I have been inspired to start my own. I have a long history of bad decisions, lousy choices and times away from God. But I believe I have now been "overtaken by blessing". Deuteronomy 28 speaks of this. When I have chosen to turn my life toward God, obey him and trust him I am promised that my children will be blessed, that my enemy will be defeated, and that the Lord will bless all that I do. What an amazing promise!

It is often hard for me to give everything over to the Lord. I am a "fixer". I like to do it myself. I like to jump in with both feet and just get it done. The Lord has shown me that it is not always my job to do that. He is teaching me more and more to let Him have that responsibility. My job is to pray and seek His face...To keep those I love covered in prayer and he will provide the hedge of protection around them...to forgive as I have been forgiven...to just bask in His presence.

I am grateful to my God who not only loves me unconditionally but takes my burdens off my shoulders and puts them into His hands.