What is going on?

I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately. It might all stem from G's 5th birthday. That's right, my once - upon -a -time 2 1/2 pound preemie is now 5 years old. Every year at his birthday I get sentimental about how fast he is growing up. He's started reading recently...great news, but a sure sign that he won't stay my baby forever!

A few days ago, a parent at a school where I used to teach lost her battle with cancer. She left behind two young children. She was a godly woman, upheld by so many prayer warriors. Now what happens to her kids she left on earth until they meet again in heaven?

After many, many weeks of not going to visit his dad, G might be going back next weekend. He is not wanting to go. He gets nervous just talking about it. Each night I have to convince him to even talk on the phone to his dad. He is just not interested in having this man in his life. Hurts my heart to see him this way.

Our new school has a great staff and great kids but we are not enrolling students like I thought we would be by now. It scares me. Surely God didn't bring us here just to fail. He moved too many mountains to get us here. My heart wants so badly to trust Him, but my head looks at the numbers and worries.

So what is going on? Good and bad. Happy and sad. Up and down. The roller coaster ride is starting to make me uncomfortable. I heard someone say that you shouldn't ask God for easy days...those aren't promised to us. But instead ask for strength for the battle. He will deliver that.

So God, I'm asking for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. I'm asking for clear direction, honesty and truth in my life. I'm asking for protection, supplication and love. You are the only one who can steady my emotions and this ride I'm on.

My King

We had every reason not to go to church this morning. We'd been up late two nights in a row, we had a jam packed day yesterday, we didn't have our "church clothes" ready....we were flat out tired. But last night as I went to sleep, I felt God nudging me. This morning when I woke up, I knew we just had to go.

When we got to church and settled in the pew, I pulled out a prayer request card and began writing the same request I've had for the last 4 years. Separation. I had it ready to go into the offering plate that was usually passed around near the beginning of the service. But God had something else in mind.

For starters, the offering wasn't taken at the beginning of the service, but at then end. Then, the praise team only sang one song before Pastor Mark began his sermon. God grabbed me at the first words out of Pastor Mark's mouth and didn't let me go .

Today's sermon was called "A View to a Parade". It was based on John 12:12-27. There are several points Pastor Mark made today but the one that hit home with me was the one he shared from personal experience. His brother was killed by a driver under the influence in a car crash a number of years ago. Pastor Mark said he didn't understand why it happened. He didn't know God's reasoning for it.

"Most of the time I don't understand what the dude is doing!," he said about God. But he pointed out that his life is not based on understanding. It is based on God's Kingship in his life. He said that his King has always shown up with what he needed to get him through.

God spoke to me so clearly when that altar call was given. I have prayed for division. I have begged for separation. I still believe that it is the right thing for my son and our family. My heart longs for the day when my son will be free of this huge burden. But it is not ultimately my decision. I'm with Mark...most of the time I don't understand what God is doing. But I don't have to. I just have to trust Him. I have to allow Him to rule and reign in all the areas in my life.

So G and I went to the altar to pray. We took that prayer request I had written down with us. There was a woman there named Jo who met with us to pray. I'm not sure I adequately conveyed to her why I was there, but I know that I was obedient to the Lord. I tore up that request. I laid it at the feet of Jesus and asked Him to take it. I asked Him to reign over it and the rest of my life.
I know my King will show up with what I need to get me (and G) through this.

Pastor Mark said that the first time Jesus came, He came on a donkey. This symbolizes a beast of burden. God came that way so we could identify with Him. The next time He will come on a white horse of victory. I am looking toward that day when all burdens will be over. Until then, I will put my troubles on that donkey and send them off with my King....and I will wait to see that beautiful white horse coming back for my family with Jesus at the reins!

You Did It Again

I am angry. You did it again...surpassed me in my parenting authority and went to the child instead. Asked our son if he could meet you....didn't ask me first. We talked about this before. I am the parent. You clear things with me first. Don't put our son in the middle. But you did it anyway.

Why? Do you want to hurt him? Do you care about him at all? Don't you see how confused he gets? He has to be coerced into even talking to you on the phone. He doesn't want to visit unless his cousin is there. Haven't you seen the fear in his eyes or hear it in his voice?

No, I guess you don't see it. You don't hear it. Because you don't know him at all. You use him to show off from time to time. You want people to see you as a good father who got the raw end of the deal.

But the truth is that you treated us badly. You had your chance to do right by us. But you made other choices. Now you are probably regretting that since your "others" have now left you also. Don't you understand that the problems lie within you and not the rest of us? No, you probably don't see that either. You would rather live as the victim than to take responsibility for the wrongs you've created.

Now you are sick. And you think we will feel badly for you. You think that because you are alone again that we will forget the past. Let's set the record straight...I will not feel badly for you. I will not forget the hell you have put our family through. I will not forget the fear you've instilled in me. I will not forget the tears our son has cried over you. I will not forget the terror he has endured at your hands and feet. I will always remember the monster that is inside you.

I have asked God to help me control my emotions. I have asked Him to help me forgive you. I have asked God for help in how to explain the things you do to my little boy who does not understand why he is constantly subjected to you.

I remember God is in control. I know He has promised me "beauty for ashes". I am holding on to that promise, and many others as I struggle to live day to day with this arc of emotions. I am pleading the blood of Jesus Christ over my son, that he is safe and protected...and that he will not have to deal with one more day of your insanity.

I know God will deliver us.

To God be the Glory

Back in December I wrote about some exciting news...news that I can now share with you! In January, some friends and myself bought a school!!!

I have to lay the events out for you because the glory in this completely belongs to God. He alone gave us this gift. In November, the director at the school where I was teaching gave her resignation. Now this lady was hands down the best boss I've ever had. I'm privileged to also call her my friend. Her boss, the owner of the school, is someone who is very, very hard to work for. I will spare you the details except to say that the staff bonded even more when we found out she would take over as director.

The day our director tended her resignation, a group of us met to sort out the details. What would we do without her? We were angry at the situation and looking for some sort of direction. We basically spoke out in anger that "we should just open our own school and do it right!!"

I went home that weekend and did a google search of 'Montessori schools for sale in GA'. The first listing was of a small school in a town about 20 minutes from where I live. I went up to peek through the windows on a Sunday when the school was closed. It was beautiful. I got very, very excited!

Now anyone who has tried to buy a house or business knows that most of these things take time. I was not prepared for just how quickly God was going to answer this prayer. We began this project in earnest in December and by mid January, we had purchased the school. By February 1 I was not only a teacher at the new school, but the Head of School!

God provided us with a school that had been in operation for 30 years, had classrooms full of students, was fully staffed and equipped and was much closer to my home. On top of that, He has allowed many of my friends to partner with me and join us at this school. We are able to expand and grow the school right away. In fact, next week we will have our ribbon cutting ceremony and first open house!

God put this dream in my heart so many years ago. But I thought it was just that...a dream. I could never have imagined how He would bless me with this amazing opportunity. To know that I am building this school for not only myself and my son, but for His glory....it is almost beyond words.

Back to Bethlehem

A local church in our town hosts an event called Back to Bethlehem. It is an incredible experience. They have re-created the town of Bethlehem as it would have been on the night of Christ's birth. You encounter soldiers shouting "Hail Caesar!". You pay your taxes. You wander through the marketplace which offers you samples of their wares (fruit, bread, spices, etc.) You visit the local fishmonger. You are invited into a Jewish temple service, complete with the priest showing the items he would have used for the ceremony and teaching the group a prayer song. You make your way through the town and venture through a home typical of the day. You see live animals and families cooking over an open flame. You follow the star and come to the stable where you witness Mary and Joseph holding Baby Jesus. Shepherds and Wise Men arrive to meet Him as angels light the way.

After moving through this town, you later find yourself witnessing the death of Jesus. Mary is wailing as she watches her son hang on the cross with thieves. Soldiers are mocking Him. They then guard the tomb, complaining to the crowd that it was a waste of their time. They say "He can't get out, He's dead after all. "

Next you see the bewilderment the soldiers face as they realize the tomb is empty. They accuse the crowd of stealing Jesus' body. Then you watch as the fear takes over the soldiers as they witness for themselves the resurrected Jesus standing before them. The crowd of onlookers (myself included) applauded as Jesus is bathed in light and you realize He is risen!

This event in itself is incredible. This is the second year we've attended and it captivated me as much this time as the last. The difference this year was G. To say he was captivated is an understatement.

We participated in the temple service three times, at G's insistence. He loved to hear the prayer offered there. We saw the birth of Jesus at least twice. His remarked , "How sweet!" when Mary walked by us and allowed us to see her newborn baby.

But at the death, burial and resurrection.....G was mesmerized. He asked questions through the first time we watched. (They perform each event every few minutes so the thousands of people who pass through don't have to wait long or miss any aspect of this production.) He wanted to get closer to Jesus during the second viewing. As we started to leave after the second time, G insisted he wanted to see it once again. He pressed himself to the front of the crowd so he was only a few feet away from Jesus. When Jesus arose, G started waving to him. The actor portraying Jesus saw him and after the presentation was over, he came over to shake G's hand. He asked G what his name was and then thanked him for coming out. G was in awe and couldn't say much back, but as the man walked away, G shouted out " I love you Jesus!" Jesus turned around, looked my son in the eye and said, " I love you too".

I could barely see for the tears in my eyes. For my son, he had just had a real life encounter with Jesus. He touched Him. He heard Him say that He loved him. G walked away with the biggest smile on his face and repeatedly told me, "Jesus said He loved me too!"

Others in the crowd were obviously touched by this exchange. I heard several whispers around us. The presence of God was right there in the middle of us. Only God knows how hearts were changed by one little boy who showed his love for Jesus and one man extending God's love in such a personal way.

Is it not enough?

Things have been happening around here lately...big things. I can't disclose all of them yet, but plans are being made for our future at a very fast pace. There is something on the horizon that I've dreamed about for years but didn't think would actually happen, and now it seems like it is within my grasp.

While praying over this new development, and other things in my life, I was sent a chain letter of sorts. It was one of those things that talk about the love of Jesus and how He wants to bless us. In theory it was a great post, so I re-posted it on my Facebook status. There was nothing inappropriate about the post, in fact there was a promise for something big to happen if it was sent on. Now in my head, I know that my blessings don't depend on whether or not I forward on a message like this. But the enemy plays tricks on me sometimes and suggests that if I do forward it, then I am sure to be blessed...just like the post said. So when the blessing doesn't come as expected, I get a little upset. Didn't the post say it would come true?

God reminded me of His word. The Bible. The only true word, the only true post, the only true message. Is it not enough? Here I am looking to some silly chain letter for hope. The promises in the Bible are the ones I can rely on. Those are the ones I can build my life upon. Those truths are THE TRUTH.

Why is it that I often take other things at face value and place stock in them, when God has already given me everything I need in His word? Help me Lord to remember Your word and to rely on it always.

One more for today

Here's one more of the posts from ChosenFamilies.org. Love, love, love this.....

Permission to Cry
October 26, 2011 By Joan 1 Comment
I was flying home Monday, and trying to catch up on my Bible study homework before the plane landed. I can’t defend the theology of “catching up” on spiritual homework….
But somewhere at 30,000 ft. Jesus met me in my seat, as I sat between the window and a stranger.
I was reading John 11, the story of Lazarus dying, his sisters weeping, sending for Jesus, and Jesus choosing not to come…so “that you may believe.” Believe what? His disciples were missing something. I wondered in my cramped seat, what truth was I missing? (When you’re sitting in seats obviously not designed for human beings WITH knees, it’s easy to wonder what else you’re missing.)
I have loved this story for a long time, for many reasons. But certain phrases kept diverting my attention (away from my “regularly scheduled program” of questions). “Jesus…was deeply moved in spirit, and was troubled…Jesus wept…Jesus therefore again being deeply moved within…”. I was struck again by the truth that perfect communion with God His Father did not protect Jesus from being deeply moved (and we’re not talking “deeply moved with joy” here.) If you live with hidden disabilities, you’ve been “deeply moved” too. And just to be clear: not even perfect communion with God protects us from deep painful emotions.
In fact, I feel like Tevye, the father from Fiddler on the Roof. “On the one hand,” I feel many DEEP emotions as I walk out life with my loved ones who struggle with hidden disabilities. “On the other hand,” practically speaking, I often set aside my own emotions, in order to fill my role as an Emotional First Responder. Working in the ICU, there was no time to cry while doing CPR. Work first, sob later.
But the problem is I am NOT a nurse working a shift and going home. My work is now IN my home…and sometimes I set aside my emotions for too long, as if they are not as important to Jesus, simply because I am not the one in crisis…which leads to Emotional Flatlands. Jesus didn’t want me to go flat.
His own example gave me permission to feel it all – to be DEEPLY MOVED. Jesus, my High Priest, FEELS! I can’t explain it well, but that makes it “well with my soul.”
Furthermore, (I just can’t leave this part out) Martha said, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” I get this, too. I have hoped, as both sisters did, for Jesus to “arrive” on the scene of my life, in time to prevent the death of something precious to me. I have wept over dead and buried dreams. My soul has said to Him, like Martha, “If You had been here (with me), _____ (list of bad things) wouldn’t have happened. I know that much about You and Your power.”
In response, Jesus reasoned with Martha…talked with her. Sometimes He reasons with me, helping me organize my disheveled thoughts, completing my flawed theology…and I’m comforted.
BUT Mary said the exact same thing as her sister, yet Jesus did NOT try to reason with her. He wept with Mary — even though He KNEW He was going to solve her pain within minutes. Why stop and weep with her? Why waste that time – why not pick her up, run to the tomb, raise her brother, and end everyone’s tears? I’m stunned it was more important to Jesus that Mary know her pain hurt Him, than it was to rush to raise Lazarus. He did the resurrecting, to be sure, but after he did the weeping. That awes me.
And I got the message, once again. He weeps with me. He takes that kind of time. Even though a miracle is coming. Cry now, we’ll talk later.
Every mama with hidden disabilities in her home needs time for her own emotions (even though miracles are coming)….
Jesus tenderly met me at 30,000 ft. to tell me again, right there on United Airlines, my tears matter to Him. And I believe Him.
Believing,
Joan