One Proud Mama

Today was our second trip to the dentist. The first was back in the summer. It was very scary for G. Although we had "played dentist" a lot, the experience was pretty hard on him. He only had a general cleaning but he screamed his way through it.

This time was different...he still cried a little but made it through holding my hand and talking to both the hygienist and dentist. He even asked the hygienist for a mask to play with at home (on his own..without prompting from me!)

But for me, the best part of the visit was actually spent in the waiting room. This room is totally geared for the kids with a hug ship to climb on, video games to play and several movies to watch. The room is loud, crowded and overwhelming to me....and to most autistic kids. Today, G took it all in stride. He wasted no time in playing on the ship, climbing up and down the stairs.

At one point, a girl about a year younger than G played near him. She was an adorable girl with ponytails, blue ribbons and cheeks you want to pinch. G wanted to get his hands on her so badly! I saw him rush up to her, get really close to her face and then clench his fists by his sides. Truthfully, it scared her a bit but I knew he was really trying hard to control himself. (Normally he wouldn't have been able to resist such a cutie and would either have grabbed her for a hug or squeezed her too hard.) She didn't hang around much to see what was going to happen but I was so proud of him.

Next came in a guy a bit closer to his age. They actually began playing together. Together. No parallel play, not chasing another child around, but playing together! G asked the boy his name and carried on a short conversation with him. My heart was thrilled to watch.

The woman sitting next to me watching the interaction (her child was a teen and not involved in the play with my son) commented on how cute he was. I thanked her and she went on to joke that she would be glad to babysit him anytime, he had been so polite and kind to the other boy. Tears came to my eyes when I thanked her again and explained to her that he is autistic and it had been a long road to get here. She looked so surprised and shook her head. She said she would never have known, she just thought he was well mannered and sweet. She also told me to keep doing what I've been doing because he is incredible.

Of course, I had to agree. I think he's pretty incredible too.

Thank you God, for sending someone my way to encourage me when I didn't even realize I needed it! Thank you for opening my eyes to the progress G has made. Thank you Lord for using the ordinary to point out the extraordinary to me. Please bless the woman in the waiting room for sharing her thoughts with me.

Deliverance

I have tons of thoughts rambling through my mind today. Good ones, bad ones, in between ones. My heart is burdened and heavy but at the same time I am hopeful and anxious for a miracle. I think I am full of just about every possible emotion a person can have.

I'm hurt, scared, saddened, mad, terrified, angry, nervous, jittery....at one situation and one person who continues to burden my existence. Burden is too light of a word. This person has ruined my self esteem, confused my son, come up with new vulgar terms for me, scared me into shaking, infuriated me into high blood pressure and occupies most of my waking thoughts. This person has even managed to move into my dreams at night. This person has made it nearly impossible to live an ordinary life of peace. Even a trip in the neighborhood has to be thought out thoroughly before acting on it.

So what do I do? All I can do is reach out to others to pray for us. Pray for our peace. Pray for our hearts to calm. Pray for our confusion to clear. Pray for the hurt to go away. Pray for the shaking to stop. Pray for the terror to end.

I remember hearing that Jesus felt every human emotion we experience. I know he was persecuted, tormented and despised. I know He knows what I am feeling. I also know He is the one who can end this, who can return our lives to normal, who can give my son a chance to grow up facing everyday challenges- not heart stopping fear that no child should have to face. I know that I will continue to bombard Him with pleas for help. I know He does not intend for His children to suffer. I know these things.

Yet my heart continues to be heavy. My mind stays full of the possibilities...for both the best and worst outcomes. My smile fades and tears fill my eyes.

I don't understand this situation. I don't know why my God - who can do all, be all, accomplish all- isn't moving in here. I don't know why He is allowing this abuse to continue. I don't understand. I don't understand. Sometimes I think if He would just give me a glimpse to the end result, it might be easier to bear in the meantime. Maybe.

Then I feel guilty because I am questioning the Almighty. It is His plan. It is not mine. I would not choose this path. I have about a million ways to fix this if He would listen to me...not that He needs my help at all.

So I will do what I know to do..pray, pray, pray, PRAY. I'll keep begging God. I'll be like the woman in the Bible who kept hounding the judge to help her. I'll keep doing it, day and night until this is over.

Would you help me too? One simple word is our mantra...Deliverance. Deliverance. Deliverance.

More lessons

It seems that this season is all about lessons....God is using my little man to show me so much. I have written before about the path that is along the back portion of our property. Not to paint the wrong image....it is very short, very accessible and quite close to the house. But from a three year old's eye, it is magical.

My son is limited in his freedoms. He is only three, impulsive and autistic. We face a lot of challenges in this area so when he has the opportunity to do things "alone" they are a very big deal for him. Part of this freedom has come in the form of the path.

He loves, loves, loves the battery powered John Deere tractor he has and will ride it until the battery is drained. We've recently decided to let him ride it on the path alone. Now there is one point on which an adult can stand and see down the hill to where the path is. Every part of the path is visible if you are standing in that particular point (my son calls it 'the mountain') but if you are on the path, it is quite easy to feel that you are alone.

My son was recently riding on that path 'alone' as I stood on the 'mountain' to watch. He waved at first, smiling from ear to ear as he drove along. After a bit, he continued to wave in my general direction but you could tell he couldn't really see me anymore. When he reached the end, he saw me again and asked me where I had been. I showed him that I hadn't moved at all from my original post.

Do you see where this is going? God uses the simple things to make a point to me. HE never leaves His post. He is always watching. He is always looking out for us. I might not think I can see Him, or I catch a glimpse of Him if I really look, but He is really always there. It is often me questioning God as to where He went. He reassures me that He never left.

Even as I write this, God shows me more than one lesson....a learning time for myself and a teachable moment to share with my son. Thank you Father for taking the time to show me these lessons and for never giving up on me.

Lessons from the path

We have a path along the back edge of our property. It winds through the woods and although it is not really very far away, it gives you the appearance you are quite a distance from the house. This afternoon my son and I were walking on the path as we enjoyed the fall leaves.

He is running ahead of me, moving as quickly as he can. I spot some birds gathered together for an afternoon snack. When I call out to him to look, he is too busy moving ahead to stop and see what I want to show him.

I hear my Heavenly Father speaking to my heart....how many times have I moved to quickly, rushing to get to my destination when God was trying to show me something beautiful or interesting? How many times did I miss the joy in the moment? Not only how many times, but exactly WHAT did I miss? Thank you Father for reminding me to slow down, to look for Your hand in my life and to enjoy the goodness You created for me.

Lessons from the swing

This week my son and I were swinging. He wants so badly to push the empty swing to see it fly though the air, but forgets that it also returns with force. Often, he gets hit with the swing or knocked down.

This time, I had my hand outstretched above him and each time the swing came back I slowed it down so he could catch it instead of having it hit him. He pushed the swing several times before he slowly tilted his head back and realized my hand was there. He grinned up at me with a huge smile and ran off to play.

It gave me a glimpse of how God has His hand outstretched over us. For the times when I am pushing so hard that the return will surely knock me to the ground, my God stretches out His hand to protect me. I am ever grateful to my loving God who loves me.

Storms

Our pastor today preached on storms...why they come, how to deal with them, and where God is when they are happening. I've chewed on a few ideas he presented and wanted to write them down so I don't forget.

1. Even if we can't see God in the storm, He is there. Even though in the middle of the storm, we want to crawl for cover and hide, that is the time we should be crying out to God. When the storm raged outside the boat Jesus was sleeping in, the disciples called out to Him for help. He was WITH them in the storm. Then He calmed the storm. Sometimes all God is waiting for is for us to ask for help.

2. God doesn't condemn us for the doubt we have during the storm. When Simon Peter walked with Jesus on the water and then started to sink, God didn't chastise him for his moment of fear. He didn't let Simon Peter sink. He didn't wait for him to bob up and down five times before rescuing him. He simply encouraged his faith. God doesn't want us to get bogged down in the doubt or fear, He wants us to use it to draw closer to Him.

3. During the storms, there is always someone else in your boat. There wasn't just one disciple in the boat during the storm. It was full of folks in the storm together. God wants us to rely on each other for encouragement during the tough times.

4. If we are believers, we have to remember that God knows exactly how much we can handle. He knows us better than we know ourselves. If I really, really believe God is who He says He is then I should know that God is in complete control. He will give me what I need, when I need it. No storm is bigger than God.

Lord, help me remember to lean on You, to trust You in everything and believe without doubt. And if I slip, I thank you for Your mercy that You will encourage me instead of chastising me. Thank You for loving me.

The Way He Works

All I can say is "Wow". The way He works always astounds me. I know I've written about my new job before but I just had to again.

When I was praying for a job, I had a list of criteria. It was pretty specific. The main thing was that it be a Christian environment for myself and my son. In my mind, there was a Christian school that I thought would be perfect. I still think it's an awesome school, just not the one God was sending us to. The school we joined is not Christian in nature, but the people there definitely are. I have never been welcomed so wholeheartedly. Meeting parents whose first inclination is not to shake you hand, but to hug you. Staff members whom you've only spoken to a handful of times, grab you up and ask how your first day was. I walked in the door feeling like this place was full of family.

God had the plan all along. It wasn't where I thought He was leading us, but boy am I glad He did. I know there will be challenges here, just like anywhere else but we are off to a great start. I am amazed at the way He works.

Thank you Father for showing me your love...in more ways than one.