What Should I Do?

Yesterday my son and I went for a haircut. This is the first time we both needed one on the same day. I had prepped him for sitting in my lap, watching me get mine done and then moving on to his. This was not to be....

Let me say first of all that we have a FANTASTIC therapist who helped us desensitize G to the noise of the buzz clips. She used a vibration type toy to massage his head with during therapy (and this was as I offhandedly mentioned a hair cut at the beginning of his therapy session--Thank you Ms. Robyn, we love you!!) So G was ready for the clippers. He was not however, ready for the "hair cut lady"!

The salon was empty except for the two of us and two stylists. They were both nice and friendly but the one insisted on G coming in to her chair to get his hair cut at the same time the other stylist cut mine. She did win G over, and he went to her chair. (It was harder for me to supervise and therefore he has a much shorter cut that I prefer, but that's another story).

He began by telling her he did not like the hair dryer. She told him she wouldn't use it. A few minutes later, he told her again. "No hair dryer." She promised they wouldn't need it. She chatted with him and he actually did pretty well. He repeatedly insisted on having no hair dryer anywhere near him. Then she made a comment to me....

She compared my son to RainMan. You know the movie...Dustin Hoffman, Tom Cruise, the Autistic guy who repeats himself and is insistent on certain things.

Now I know she had no idea that G is Autistic. And I don't think she meant any harm by this remark. It just kind of got ground in when she couldn't remember exactly the line from the movie she was searching for to make her point, and she pondered it out loud over and over again.

What bothered me most was my reaction. Or lack of reaction. I politely smiled and tried to change the subject. I didn't make the comments that were rolling around in my mind like "Did you know that RainMan was Autistic and he was nervous to be out of his environment and he did a pretty darn good job making it cross country with some one he didn't really know? Did you know that my son is Autistic too and he is handling this all pretty well also especially considering you are talking about him like he isn't sitting right in front of you???" I didn't say that.

I didn't say, " How would you like it if some stranger squirted your head with water when water is one of the things you can't stand? How would you like it if someone kept telling you that she won't touch you with the hair dryer but you can see it sitting RIGHT THERE and you don't really know if it's ok to trust her?" I didn't say that either.

I also didn't tell her that G has made such amazing progress that the fact he is sitting here , talking to her, walked in on his own and is even alive to need a hair cut is a miracle. I didn't say any of those things.

I know I'm not supposed to unload on someone who makes a comment like that. Maybe it shouldn't even have bothered me, but it did. Did I let G down by not speaking up? Did I send the wrong message by not even acknowledging his Autism? I would love to hear other's thoughts on this. It's hard to know how to react sometimes or even if I am supposed to react.

So for now I'll pray about this. I need guidance. I will ask God to send me the words to say in those situations. And for the grace to love this woman...just as He has loved me.

Doing Something Right

Last night we were driving to meet my ex-husband. These visits are always nerve wracking for us all. Especially my son. He never wants to go. We talk alot about the visits before they occur, even planning out on the calendar exactly when he will be home.

Normally, when we get in the car and start off (to anywhere...) we say a quick prayer for safety and traveling mercies. Last night, I hadn't even made it out of the driveway when my son said, "Pray, Mama, Pray."

I assumed he was talking about our everyday requests, but I asked him anyway.
"What do you want to pray for?"

"For Daddy and peace stuff...and traveling mercies." (Which sounds like " For Daddy an' peace 'tuff....and twavelin' mewcies").

He has listened as we pray for deliverance, for protection, for safety and for peace. He has learned to ask God for what he needs and thank Him for what he has received.

It may seem small to some, but for me it was confirmation that I'm doing something right. God is showing me that I am training my son in the way he should go...and God promises that when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Most of all, my son is learning to lean on the One who will never fail him. He is learning that God will supply all his needs. Thank you Lord for leading this little heart....and mine.

Perspectives change

Isn't it funny how your perspective can change? Years back I was the drinking, partying, doing all the wrong things kind of girl. Now I don't drink, don't party, still do some of the wrong thing but am trying harder kind of woman.

Years back, I could be found in a bar that happened to serve food. Now I might be found in a restaurant that happens to serve alcohol...and I'm uncomfortable there. Years back, I would stay up till all hours dancing and partying. Now, if I'm dancing it's with a cute three year old in the living room and we are in bed at a much earlier hour. Years ago, my schedule revolved around me, me, me. Now it is all about him, him, him.

I found myself watching RFDtv the other night. (No, I don't get compensation here!!) I don't particularly care for the programming. It's "farmy" and "bluegrass", really not my style. But the little man loves tractors and anything with banjos or guitars so we watch it sometimes.

A man came on the screen detailing how the programming as well as the commercials were well thought out. The intent was on viewing a channel that could be watched by anyone. ANYONE. How often does that happen? They don't show commercials advertising new drugs, let alone the ones geared toward "love lives". They don't show commercials advertising alcohol. The programs are wholesome. ANYONE can watch this station at any time and not be offended.

I found myself enjoying this station a bit more after taking in his words. I am trying to preserve my son's innocence as long as I can. It's nice to know there are others out there that agree with that philosophy.

Amazingly, I found myself at a bluegrass festival this weekend. Again, not my cup of tea but my son tapped his foot and clapped along with the music. The booths were family oriented, showcasing crafts and food. It still amazes me how God can turn a life around. I'm thankful it was my life He chose to change. I am loving every minute of this life as a mom. Wonder if I can learn to play the banjo...........

Hurry God!

Sometimes I wonder just how much I can take before I finally crack. I know the Bible says that God will only give us as much as we can bear...but I'm down here crying out to God. I'm trying to tell Him I can't take any more. I'm not sure He is listening.

I am tired of being scared, tired of being nervous, tired of being cussed, tired of being treated like less than.........when does this end? I've done everything in my power to put distance between us. I've moved. Left my job. Left my friends. Made as much of a new life for us as I possibly can but it's not enough. It just doesn't quit. My hands shake. My stomach lurches. My nerves are on end. When will it end?

When will God step in on His awesome authority and deliver us from this pit? I want to live a life that shows others God's love, not my fear. I want to tell people how God delivers us, not be afraid at every turn. I want to step boldly out my front door and know that this thing that haunts us is GONE!

There's a song called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. It says "Would you dare to believe you still have a reason to sing, cause the pain that you've been feeling, it can't compare to the joy that's coming, so hold on you gotta wait for the light, press on and just fight the good fight, cause the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning."

I'm trying to fight the good fight, just HURRY God! Please!

Power of Praise

I'm linked to a few devotional type web sites. They generally send some points to ponder each day. This week's theme has been praise. How to praise God, where to praise God, when to praise God.....

My problem is that I don't feel like praising God. I am struggling. A man is in a hospital room dying of cancer. I don't want to praise God while this man and his family suffer.

The miracle I've prayed for, for almost 3 years now, hasn't happened yet. I don't want to praise God while I wait.

The job I was told was mine has changed. The terms are different and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to praise God while I weigh my options.

I know the Bible says to praise Him. It says He is worthy. It says He is in control of it all, so we are to praise Him in His wisdom. But I'm struggling. I don't want to praise Him and feel fake, when what I really want to do is cry. And ask "WHY???" I don't want to pretend to love His wisdom when it doesn't match what I want for my life or the life of others I see. I don't want to be a hypocrite, opening my mouth to give Him praise when inside I don't really feel it.

I've heard that this is faith...you do things sometimes even though you don't see evidence. Right now I don't see evidence. I can look outside and see the sun shining and the flowers blooming and I know God is here and I can praise Him for that. But can I truly, honestly praise Him for these struggles while I'm in the middle of them?

I can look back and see struggles in the past, that I can now praise God for. They have shaped me in ways I could not have imagined. And I can say that although I never want to go through them again, I am honestly thankful for the lessons learned. But did I praise God in the midst of them? I doubt it.

So what do I do? I read a quote that says "God doesn't tell you to thank him for the negative circumstances. He says to thank Him while you're in the midst of them. Doing this shows that you trust Him to bring you out." So do I really, really trust Him to bring me (and others ) out? Or is it lip service?

Sometimes this walk is hard and more complex than I want to give thought to. And although it sounds like I am taking both sides of an argument, I cannot imagine walking this road without God.

I can go to Him with these questions. I can talk to Him and ask what to do. He made me with this inquisitive mind. He gave me the guts to go boldly before Him and ask Him what the deal is. He allows me to grieve a perceived unfairness, get angry at a perceived injustice and cry at a perceived situation unraveling before me. He is the only one who can bring justice, make it fair and knit the situation back together. He is the only one who can calm the storm raging in my heart.

So I turn to Him. I do thank Him for His love, His patience, His kindness to me. I do praise Him for my beautiful family, the joy of being a mother, and the privilege of being His child. And I ask Him for help with the rest...........

Points to Ponder

Today the Sunday sermon was divided by three pastors. All three had wonderful points and I wanted to record some of the ones that hit home with me.

One pastor gave this analogy...when you are buying a house, you are buying it because you want it to be yours. In reality what happens is that the bank pays your debt to the seller. You then become indebted to the bank. So you work long and hard to repay that debt so that one day you can truly own the house outright. The pastor said that many times this is how we view our relationship with Christ. We think He paid our debt on the cross. But then we think we become indebted to Him and work our whole lives to repay that debt. In truth, we could never repay that debt. We should look at it like a gift. You don't repay a gift. You are just very thankful for it. You try to remember the kindness of this gift and the love it took to give it to you.

Another point was this....once you accept Christ as your Savior , the eternal end of things is settled. There are human consequences to human actions here on earth (that's hard to accept for me, I want God to fix my mistakes!!) but there is no longer a question as to eternity.

One more....Good, bad or indifferent, it's all about Him. God can receive glory through any situation. He is due glory in any situation. It's all about Him. Even Jesus asked for another way to end the suffering. He asked God to change things, if it be His will. But even through the most horrible suffering imaginable, with all of humanity's sin upon Him, God received glory.

I am always thankful for a new way to see life. Thank you Lord for sharing even a bit of your insight with me. To God be the glory!

Little reminders

We were outside yesterday, my son and I, enjoying the gorgeous weather. We came across a patch of tiny wildflowers. They were a delicate blue on the slope of the yard. As I stooped to look down at them, my son proceeded to stomp on the beauties!

He didn't act out of meanness, he just wasn't thinking. He didn't take the time to think through what he was doing, he just acted on impulse. I didn't say anything negative to him but it sure got me to thinking.....how many times does God give us something beautiful only to have us stomp on it? I can think of numerous times in my own life when I acted first, then thought about it later only to realize I had destroyed something precious. I really hadn't the intention to end the beauty God was sending my way. I simply didn't take the time to savor the gift I was being given.

It solidified my thoughts even more today when my son spent some time outside with his Nana. Guess what he picked for me? Some of those beautiful wildflowers! I think God was giving me a second chance at His beauty, as He so often does. I am so thankful to Him for that . Not just for the wildflowers but for every occasion He allows me grace and mercy, and the opportunity for second chances .

Help me Father to recognize Your gifts...and thank You for leading me back to them when I miss them the first time around.