Back to Bethlehem

A local church in our town hosts an event called Back to Bethlehem. It is an incredible experience. They have re-created the town of Bethlehem as it would have been on the night of Christ's birth. You encounter soldiers shouting "Hail Caesar!". You pay your taxes. You wander through the marketplace which offers you samples of their wares (fruit, bread, spices, etc.) You visit the local fishmonger. You are invited into a Jewish temple service, complete with the priest showing the items he would have used for the ceremony and teaching the group a prayer song. You make your way through the town and venture through a home typical of the day. You see live animals and families cooking over an open flame. You follow the star and come to the stable where you witness Mary and Joseph holding Baby Jesus. Shepherds and Wise Men arrive to meet Him as angels light the way.

After moving through this town, you later find yourself witnessing the death of Jesus. Mary is wailing as she watches her son hang on the cross with thieves. Soldiers are mocking Him. They then guard the tomb, complaining to the crowd that it was a waste of their time. They say "He can't get out, He's dead after all. "

Next you see the bewilderment the soldiers face as they realize the tomb is empty. They accuse the crowd of stealing Jesus' body. Then you watch as the fear takes over the soldiers as they witness for themselves the resurrected Jesus standing before them. The crowd of onlookers (myself included) applauded as Jesus is bathed in light and you realize He is risen!

This event in itself is incredible. This is the second year we've attended and it captivated me as much this time as the last. The difference this year was G. To say he was captivated is an understatement.

We participated in the temple service three times, at G's insistence. He loved to hear the prayer offered there. We saw the birth of Jesus at least twice. His remarked , "How sweet!" when Mary walked by us and allowed us to see her newborn baby.

But at the death, burial and resurrection.....G was mesmerized. He asked questions through the first time we watched. (They perform each event every few minutes so the thousands of people who pass through don't have to wait long or miss any aspect of this production.) He wanted to get closer to Jesus during the second viewing. As we started to leave after the second time, G insisted he wanted to see it once again. He pressed himself to the front of the crowd so he was only a few feet away from Jesus. When Jesus arose, G started waving to him. The actor portraying Jesus saw him and after the presentation was over, he came over to shake G's hand. He asked G what his name was and then thanked him for coming out. G was in awe and couldn't say much back, but as the man walked away, G shouted out " I love you Jesus!" Jesus turned around, looked my son in the eye and said, " I love you too".

I could barely see for the tears in my eyes. For my son, he had just had a real life encounter with Jesus. He touched Him. He heard Him say that He loved him. G walked away with the biggest smile on his face and repeatedly told me, "Jesus said He loved me too!"

Others in the crowd were obviously touched by this exchange. I heard several whispers around us. The presence of God was right there in the middle of us. Only God knows how hearts were changed by one little boy who showed his love for Jesus and one man extending God's love in such a personal way.

Is it not enough?

Things have been happening around here lately...big things. I can't disclose all of them yet, but plans are being made for our future at a very fast pace. There is something on the horizon that I've dreamed about for years but didn't think would actually happen, and now it seems like it is within my grasp.

While praying over this new development, and other things in my life, I was sent a chain letter of sorts. It was one of those things that talk about the love of Jesus and how He wants to bless us. In theory it was a great post, so I re-posted it on my Facebook status. There was nothing inappropriate about the post, in fact there was a promise for something big to happen if it was sent on. Now in my head, I know that my blessings don't depend on whether or not I forward on a message like this. But the enemy plays tricks on me sometimes and suggests that if I do forward it, then I am sure to be blessed...just like the post said. So when the blessing doesn't come as expected, I get a little upset. Didn't the post say it would come true?

God reminded me of His word. The Bible. The only true word, the only true post, the only true message. Is it not enough? Here I am looking to some silly chain letter for hope. The promises in the Bible are the ones I can rely on. Those are the ones I can build my life upon. Those truths are THE TRUTH.

Why is it that I often take other things at face value and place stock in them, when God has already given me everything I need in His word? Help me Lord to remember Your word and to rely on it always.

One more for today

Here's one more of the posts from ChosenFamilies.org. Love, love, love this.....

Permission to Cry
October 26, 2011 By Joan 1 Comment
I was flying home Monday, and trying to catch up on my Bible study homework before the plane landed. I can’t defend the theology of “catching up” on spiritual homework….
But somewhere at 30,000 ft. Jesus met me in my seat, as I sat between the window and a stranger.
I was reading John 11, the story of Lazarus dying, his sisters weeping, sending for Jesus, and Jesus choosing not to come…so “that you may believe.” Believe what? His disciples were missing something. I wondered in my cramped seat, what truth was I missing? (When you’re sitting in seats obviously not designed for human beings WITH knees, it’s easy to wonder what else you’re missing.)
I have loved this story for a long time, for many reasons. But certain phrases kept diverting my attention (away from my “regularly scheduled program” of questions). “Jesus…was deeply moved in spirit, and was troubled…Jesus wept…Jesus therefore again being deeply moved within…”. I was struck again by the truth that perfect communion with God His Father did not protect Jesus from being deeply moved (and we’re not talking “deeply moved with joy” here.) If you live with hidden disabilities, you’ve been “deeply moved” too. And just to be clear: not even perfect communion with God protects us from deep painful emotions.
In fact, I feel like Tevye, the father from Fiddler on the Roof. “On the one hand,” I feel many DEEP emotions as I walk out life with my loved ones who struggle with hidden disabilities. “On the other hand,” practically speaking, I often set aside my own emotions, in order to fill my role as an Emotional First Responder. Working in the ICU, there was no time to cry while doing CPR. Work first, sob later.
But the problem is I am NOT a nurse working a shift and going home. My work is now IN my home…and sometimes I set aside my emotions for too long, as if they are not as important to Jesus, simply because I am not the one in crisis…which leads to Emotional Flatlands. Jesus didn’t want me to go flat.
His own example gave me permission to feel it all – to be DEEPLY MOVED. Jesus, my High Priest, FEELS! I can’t explain it well, but that makes it “well with my soul.”
Furthermore, (I just can’t leave this part out) Martha said, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” I get this, too. I have hoped, as both sisters did, for Jesus to “arrive” on the scene of my life, in time to prevent the death of something precious to me. I have wept over dead and buried dreams. My soul has said to Him, like Martha, “If You had been here (with me), _____ (list of bad things) wouldn’t have happened. I know that much about You and Your power.”
In response, Jesus reasoned with Martha…talked with her. Sometimes He reasons with me, helping me organize my disheveled thoughts, completing my flawed theology…and I’m comforted.
BUT Mary said the exact same thing as her sister, yet Jesus did NOT try to reason with her. He wept with Mary — even though He KNEW He was going to solve her pain within minutes. Why stop and weep with her? Why waste that time – why not pick her up, run to the tomb, raise her brother, and end everyone’s tears? I’m stunned it was more important to Jesus that Mary know her pain hurt Him, than it was to rush to raise Lazarus. He did the resurrecting, to be sure, but after he did the weeping. That awes me.
And I got the message, once again. He weeps with me. He takes that kind of time. Even though a miracle is coming. Cry now, we’ll talk later.
Every mama with hidden disabilities in her home needs time for her own emotions (even though miracles are coming)….
Jesus tenderly met me at 30,000 ft. to tell me again, right there on United Airlines, my tears matter to Him. And I believe Him.
Believing,
Joan

Chosen Families

This is from one of my favorite blogs written by various authors on "hidden disabilities". It's called ChosenFamilies.org. Check it out if you get the chance. God just keeps sending these straight to me.....


Oh No You Didn’t
October 27, 2011 By Sarah 1 Comment
The wind’s seeping and moaning through the cracks in our poorly insulated bedroom windows today as I sit at my computer, gnawing a knuckle. I’m getting myself all worked up again. I’m prone to these little mini-paroxysms, you see. By nature, I’m a pacifist, a mercy-giver and a chicken, so when the time is right to be angry, I don’t say anything. When the time is past however, I’m a veritable colossus of articulate and righteous indignation. I’m really good at getting mad AFTER the fact.
I can’t think of a single instance when my rebuttal was timely delivered, save for that one time when my staunchly left-leaning atheist of a boss – the one who preached equality and social reform – called me a “fascist” for going to a Christian college, whereupon I managed to retort, “Oh wait. Aren’t YOU the one who’s supposed to be open-minded?”
You can high five me later.
But now, I’m angry thinking of all the self-righteous comments and looks my Noah’s received. To be fair, our burden is in some ways lighter than most. As a boy with high functioning autism, Noah may seem just a little “odd.” That he flaps, or chews his clothing or talks your ear off about Super Mario Brothers. His verbal ability and his self-sufficiency often belie his disability.
From another vantage, this actually makes our burden heavier than most. Because you’d never notice his difference from a distance, you might look down your nose when, in the middle of his flag football game, he halts a play to have a complete and total meltdown in the middle of the field. Or, you might snort a little out of disgust when you’re standing behind him in the checkout line and he remarks in full voice that the woman in front of him “sure is fat!” Remember that scene from “Terms of Endearment” when Emma doesn’t have enough to pay for her groceries? Yeah. It’s EXACTLY that painful.
You know what else bugs me? “There’s nothing wrong with him.” Why? Because you can’t see a missing limb? Because he’s not in a wheelchair? My choice responses? (1) “Nothing wrong with him? That’s because we pay a lot of therapists a lot of money to make sure he doesn’t gag at dinner because there’s a candle on the table”; (2) “Nothing wrong with him? Good. Then I’ll send him to your house the next time he has a meltdown. And while you’re at it, do you mind teaching him to use a belt?” Or, my favorite, (3) “Nothing wrong with him? Well, duh! He’s perfect the way God made him!”
I know Jesus experienced anger (Matthew 21:11-13). I know He was enraged that the temple was being used to buy and sell – making a holy place nothing more than a common street bazaar. But before I silently fist pump my own angry, internal tirades, I have to remember that Christ said, “It is written…my house will be called a house of prayer.” In other words, “you should have known better, guys. You had the book!”
When I get the supercilious looks and the incredulous comments, I need to take a breath and remind myself that they can’t SEE what Noah has, and they don’t KNOW its manifestations. They are ignorant – not just in the Maury-Povich-chair-flipping- “Oh no you didn’t!” sense of the word, but they literally “know no better.” They can’t “see” his Asperger’s like I can.
That means, much as I would like to verbally eviscerate them, I need to practice the mercy I like to preach, keep my trap shut and smile. After all, God loves them just as much as He loves Noah and me.
If you’re reading this and you’ve experienced that familiar prick of rage, here’s my knowing glance from across the cyber-distance, telling you that I’ve been there, too. We just have to forgive these poor blokes for their ignorance, because they just don’t know.
Not yet.
- Sarah

Broken Heart

This week I've found myself extra emotional. I've broken down in tears on several occasions, something I don't tend to do around other people. Nothing huge is happening, there are just several smaller things that aren't working and they are taking a toll on my heart.

The main issue right now is my son at school. He is having a really hard time keeping himself and his emotions in check. He's lashing out at the other students, sassing his teacher and generally getting into lots of trouble. At first it made me mad. I marched myself into his classroom (I do teach right across the hall) and laid down the law to him. It worked..for the moment. Trouble was, the next day he was right back at it.

So between myself, his teachers and his therapists we set goals and rewards and stepped up our game. Didn't work. Might have even backfired a bit because once he realized he had lost his reward, he did not even try for the rest of the day. You can see where this is going....downhill fast!

So I'm researching, I'm setting up group meetings, I'm talking with G and trying my best to keep myself together. But inside I am crying for my baby. He is not a mean kid. He has a kind heart. He honestly loves his friends. But he is becoming "that kid". The one who kids won't sit next to because he hurts them. The one who kids don't want to play with because he gets too rough. The one whose name is on the board all the time. "That kid".

The other night during our bedtime rituals, G broke down in tears just sobbing. He held me so tight and said "Mama, I had such a hard day!" My heart broke into a million pieces. He knows he isn't doing the right thing but we are struggling with how to teach him. How to reach him in the moment. I honestly don't have any more tricks in my bag.

Today I was looking though some books and I came across one that I had tucked away and forgotten all about. It's called "Finding God in Autism" and it's a devotional geared for parents with autistic kids. Doesn't God know just when to have you 'come across' something that you need? Instead of reading one devotional, I read several days' worth, each spoke something to me. One though, really stuck out.

It begins with Isaiah 61:1 "He sent me to bind up the broken hearted."

Here is the devotional for that day.....

Bind up means to tie up, secure, to hold up or unite. So today we know Christ was sent from heaven to earth to hold us up. He came to unite us with him. It is good news that Jesus was sent to bind up the broken hearted. You and I had our hearts broken when we received our children's diagnosis. He brings us relief. Turning to Jesus is what starts the process of putting the pieces together.

Over the last seven years I have learned that autism is a battle. A battle that needs to be turned over to God. I need to hang onto God and let him lead...God always leads to victory. When I feel weary I am taking on too much of the battle myself; I need to step aside and turn it back over to God. Let Him fight for me. I do not need to spend my time fighting the enemy or see seeking victory. I need to spend more of my time seeking Christ. As I bind myself to His presence and trust God...he will carry our son to victory.

We need to let God heal any brokenness that is still in our hearts. When we allow Jesus to do what God sent Him to do, gather us up and mend our brokenness, faith in God returns.

You and I are trusting God to heal our children in our lifetime. That requires faith. We will be blessed when God chooses to reward our faithfulness. Our children will reap the benefits of what we practiced and dared to believe.

Remember, this battle of autism is really for God to battle. God is raising up many leaders to discover answers about autism. God is leading many top notched doctors, scientists and researchers to answers and truths about this disorder.God is assembling brilliant people to take the heat, dig trenches and be bold in searching for a cure.

As God lifts us up an unites us all, we will not only see the healing begin, we will feel it. God is holding us up with His nail scarred hands. I am sure you and I would just like God to heal our children through an instant miracle. But God is choosing most of us to walk the walk, talk the talk and learn the lesson of "walk by faith".

Today, spend some time memorizing the above verse. Think about how far God has already brought you and how your personal character is being challenged, molded and refined. God showed you His love by sending you His son to bind up your broken heart.


Thank you Father for sending Your Son to bind up my broken heart. Thank you for loving me enough to send your own Son to die for me...I'll not forget the sacrifice. I know your heart must have been broken too.

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about our ex husbands. She's dealing with a 'deadbeat dad' situation so we often swap stories of the latest things happening to us and our children. She was recounting to me the events of the last week or so, where she has been unable to reach her ex husband and hasn't received any child support from him. She mentioned that after six months of this behavior, she could have his parental rights revoked.

"Sounds like heaven", those were my words. "Sounds like heaven", was the way I chose to express myself. What was I thinking? First, I just belittled my eternal home. Second, how could heaven be kin to a place where a dad doesn't take care of his child, love her enough to be around and add stress to the ex wife in the process? Knowing that this child loves her dad, is hurt when he cancels plans and wants to be part of his life.........seriously folks, someone should staple my mouth shut.

In my defense, I was just looking at this from my family's perspective. We have prayed to be left alone in this way. But my prayer and that of another family are two completely different things. My head knows this, I just wish it was conveyed to my mouth.

Father, help me say and do only things that would give You glory. Put your hand over my mouth when it is needed (which is often) and help me pray for Your will in all situations. Thank you for placing my friends in my life and help me to lift up their needs daily.

My Testimony

I was driving alone a couple of weeks ago and using the time to pray. I was arguing with God. Well I guess it's never really arguing because God doesn't have to argue, but I was acting like it. I was pleading with God again to deliver us from a particular situation. I'm begging. I'm telling God all the reasons why I need this miracle. Then I tell God how unhappy I am over this thing. I ask God about my witness and testimony. How can I be an effective witness for God's kingdom if I am not happy? How can I speak of how good God is when this terrible event plagues us? How can I show God' s love and kindness when we are in daily trials?

You know God had an answer. He always does. He reminded me how much MORE effective my testimony will be if I can be joyful in the face of this thing. He showed me how much MORE people will want to turn to Him if I proclaim His goodness even in the midst of the storm. He sent a song my way to encourage me that this earth is not my home...Heaven is. The things that happen now are nothing compared to eternity with Him.

How I am humbled.

My God took the time to hear me, remind me gently and help me put my feelings into perspective. He redirected my heart to Heaven...and isn't that the goal all along?

Breath

Yesterday was a strange day for us. We drove to the meeting place to exchange custody of G. When we got there, we discovered that his dad had a new (well old, but different ) car. After a few minutes of transition, G went to get into his dad's car. We discovered then that the seat belts wouldn't lock.

We discussed how they work, don't work, might work...but in the end I insisted on a locking clip. While G's dad wasn't happy about it, he wasn't upset either. He left me, his girlfriend, G and his grandson (my mom was in my car) in the parking lot while he went in the store to purchase one. He was gone for quite a while. His girlfriend decided he might not know where to look so she went in after him. I put both of the kids in my car and cranked up the air conditioning. They were having fun in the back seat playing with cars.

I saw G's dad come out of the store and stop to talk to a man on the sidewalk. He lit a cigarette. I thought he was just waiting on his girlfriend to come out. The next thing I know, my car is being surrounded by police cars. He had called the police, telling them I wouldn't let him have his son.

At this point I am totally bewildered. We hadn't had any unpleasant conversation. He wasn't mad. Nothing had even been said about me taking G away. The last thing I knew was that he was going into the store to buy the clip. We were just waiting.

I felt kind of sorry for the police officers as they dealt with this. G's dad was making less and less sense by the minute. He started telling a story to the officers that was completely untrue. Due to his actions on previous exchanges, I carry a tape recorder on my hip and record all of our discussions. I explained to the officers that I had it all on tape and would be glad to clear up any misunderstanding. The officers watched G's dad as he continued on about how I wouldn't let him have G.

The officers gave him three choices...1) go buy a clip or a new seat with a clip 2) have me drive G to his house or 3) send G home with me. G's dad responded that the store where we were didn't sell them. I offered to wait till he went to a store that did. He glazed right over that one.

Then the officer repeated choice number 2. Without even looking at me, G's dad said "she won't do that". My reply was that I would be fine with driving G there, but what would they do for the rest of the weekend??

The officer then asked if they had another vehicle. G's dad told them that his girlfriend had another car that they could drive. (She had just finished telling me it was in the shop). When I pointed that out, the lies just became thicker.

The officer repeatedly gave the choices...either go buy the proper safety equipment or let G go home. He told me I was free to leave at any time ( G was already strapped in to my car by this point). I waited. I'm not sure what came over me. I was shaking head to toe at the thought of yet another confrontation with this man but for some reason I waited.

He tried to tell the officers that I wouldn't give him back his grandson. I had only put him there so the boys could be cool and play while we waited. I helped E out of the car. The boys even exchanged toys as he got out. There was nothing I could do for that little guy but pray he would make it home safe.

I watched as he came around to tell G goodbye, tripped over his own feet and then wanted the officers to come to my car to look at my seat belts. He was stumbling, garbling words, and generally making his own case worse. It was like watching a train wreck.

As we left, I was shaking. G was confused. My mother was relieved. There is a cold, gripping fear that runs through me when we have moments like this. The uncertainty of events, the memories of past violence, the sadness of having not one, but two little boys witness scenes like this.

The fear runs through me like ice water. My mind jumps back and forth from memories to current events. I immediately think of what will happen next time. Will we go through this all again? Will he take out his hatred of me onto my baby? Why, oh why, is this fear a constant in our lives?

Later on last night, I was reading some posts from friends. Neither were aware of my day's events. One quoted Frank Herbert, "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me, I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (Thanks ECT for your post.)

Then next quoted the Bible, from Proverbs 29:25 , "The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the lord is safe." (Thanks DEW for your post.)

How I needed to hear both of those. I thought over them last night. They were still fresh on my mind this morning as our preacher taught on chaos. He spoke about chaos taking over, running rampant, until there is nothing more we can see. He asked the question we might ask in such a situation....WHERE IS GOD IN THE CHAOS?

Hovering....God is hovering right above the chaos, ready to swoop in and change this situation. Ready to pierce the darkness we are in with His light. Ready to bring order to this chaos. God is so close to us that we can feel the moisture of His breath on us. He is in the business of moving in, just as we are about to give up.

God sees our chaos as raw building materials that He can use. Not only will He move in, he will bring order and then create something beautiful and vibrant out of our chaos. We are moments away from God saying "Let there be light" in that darkness in our lives.

Thank you God Almighty for protecting us. Thank you for chasing away the fear. Thank you for ordering my chaos. And thank you for shining Your light in the darkness. I can feel Your breath on me. It is the most glorious feeling in the world.

Time Flies.....

Wow, it's been awhile since I've written! Guess these are the lazy days of summer....except that ours hasn't been that lazy! We've vacationed to the beach, played in the pool, practiced sleeping in our own bed (who knew that would be so hard????), renovated a room, and saved our doctor and dentist checkups until now!

So here it is July, heading back to school is just around the corner, and so much has happened these last few months. G is reading 3 and 4 letter words very well. He's practicing his writing daily on some sort of paper or magazine in our house (thankfully he hasn't thought to attempt writing on the walls!). Just this morning he buttoned all of the buttons on his shirt while getting ready for church. He is growing and maturing by the minute.

A few weeks ago, we saw his developmental pediatrician who changed his diagnosis from PDD-NOS (Autism) to Asperger's Syndrome. Now I know that all of those fancy names for things still mean Autism. It's not gone. It rears its head at times when I least expect it. But still the change in wording made me feel good. It showed that other people are seeing improvement in G, just like I have. God is good.

Today during worship in church, I looked down to this handsome guy beside me and watched as he lifted his hands to God. Might have been mimic at what others were doing. Might have been just copycat behavior. But it might have been God at work in that little heart.

Each night we read a devotional at bedtime. G is understanding more and more of it. He's comprehending God's word. One of the most recent devotions was on anger. We deal with a lot of anger from his dad and this is hard for G to deal with also. We've talked about how to "be angry and sin not". Then today, we were heading to church when a man pulled up in the lane beside us and began shouting some FOUL words at the car behind him. The two men were shouting obscenities and threats...all within our earshot. G had a ring side seat for it. I was so glad when the light changed and we could pull away, but we could clearly see the car in front deliberately weaving to cut off the driver behind him several times. Now I had hoped that G would never hear some of those words he heard today but God used this as an opportunity for us to talk about it. G remarked that "daddy sounds like that sometimes", and lead us back to the verse "be angry and sin not". Only God can take something so foul and turn it into a learning opportunity.

Now as G is napping, I'm reading through some blogs I follow. One writer quoted Psalm 138:8, "The Lord will accomplish what concerns me" (NAS). Amazing. Purely Amazing.

Then I decided to look at some other translations of the same verse.

" The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me" (KJV)

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me" (ESV)

"The Lord will vindicate me" (NIV)

No matter which translation I read, each burns on my heart. Only God can accomplish, perfect, fulfill and vindicate a sinner like me.

God is good.

Summer Visit

This last week has been pretty tough. We've done so many things that left me feeling a bit like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Our school held its graduation ceremony and end of the year activities yesterday. There was laughter and tears, saying goodbye to children and parents I have grown to love.

Then we've been dealing with the dreaded summer visit. The plan was for G to visit his dad beginning Thursday night and coming home on Tuesday. G has been upset for days over this visit. He makes comments about not wanting to go, he wants to stay at home, etc. On Tuesday night as he got into bed he cried over it. ALOT. He had some fears over not having a night light there and we quickly remedied that by putting one in his bag to take. But it didn't stop the fear and dread.

Then on Wednesday night as we were getting ready to go to bed, G dropped a toy on his foot. Now I know this hurt. His toenail immediately turned blue. No doubt that he was in pain. But after about half an hour of crying, screaming and all manner of melt down, it occurred to me that something else might be going on. When I did ask, he let loose even more. It all boiled down to the fact that he did not want to spend the night with his dad.

Well we did manage to get him on a positive track and by Thursday evening he was getting excited about the prospect of going to do some things like attending a birthday party. He was nervous getting in his dad's car but was ok. He said he wanted me to call the next night (something he usually doesn't ask for).

Now onto tonight...I called. He cried, begged and pleaded with me to come get him. "I want you Mama. I want to go home to my Mama's house!" He was sobbing so hard I could barely make out most of his words. I tried my best to calm him down, reassuring him of all the fun he would have. He would have no part of it. He decided that he'd rather come home than go to the birthday party, go camping or play with the relatives he only sees there.

The worst part was that his dad wouldn't give in. I told him I would come pick G up and bring him back the next morning if he still wanted to see G. Of course, he wouldn't hear of it. So I listened to my baby wail for me for over half an hour. I tried my best to comfort him . I tried my best to make him feel better, talking while tears rolled down my cheeks.

After the conversation ended, I prayed about this whole situation. I've told God I'm trying hard to trust in Him, to believe there is a purpose for all of this. I am trying to praise God no matter what, but it is so hard. Especially when it is my son who is hurting. That's got to be the worst pain of all.

God, in His wisdom, knew I needed some help. I came in to check my email and found this as part of a devotional. Only God could orchestrate this timing.

I hope this speaks to you as powerfully as it did to me........

The Most Difficult Prayer
by Phyllis Hobe

It may seem easy to pray in gratitude—until we come across Paul's words in Thessalonians 5:18: "In every thing give thanks" (KJV). I have looked up this verse in many translations and there is no way around it. Paul is telling us to be thankful for everything.

There are so many things for which I could not thank God, not if I were to be honest with Him. And for a long time I couldn't even approach this kind of thanksgiving prayer. How could I be grateful for death, disease, for human cruelty and selfishness, for all the pain in this world? No, I could not be. Yet my resistance troubled me. In every other way in which I prayed I had received God's love and blessings. I wondered, Am I missing something vital in my life by not being able to give thanks for everything?

Then one day when I was visiting a dear friend who suffers from crippling arthritis, she asked me to pray with her. In a voice weekened by chronic pain she began speaking to God. Here is what she said:

My Dear Lord,

My life hasn't been easy and you know better than anyone because I have called on You often for aid and comfort. I have asked You why You allow me to suffer so much. I did not begin my life knowing You but I have loved You for a long time now.

But this pain! It destroys the joy in my life and my ability to give joy to others. What can I do for You now, hurting as I am? Is there some way this pain of mine can be used for good? Can it be of value to my family who must look after me, as I looked after them?

O my beloved God, You are leading me to the place of thanksgiving, aren't You? I am beginning to see Your light in my darkness to see the blessings even in my pain. Although I am not as cheerful as I once was, I am compassionate. I am learning at this very moment that pain is not really my enemy. Pain is my teacher. I am being instructed in the art of sensing the hurt in life, and I trust that You will now let me learn how I can be a source of comfort to all those who suffer.

I am no longer angry, God, not at you and not at life. I may not move very well but You have increased my sensitivity. I thank You for that. And I thank You for the understanding that there is a purpose in all things. And You are there in all things. Thank You in the name of the Your suffering Son, whose example is now made clear to me. Amen.

My friend's prayer helped me to see that I can thank God for everything. It isn't easy. But is is good. And it is honest.

Walk for Grant

I am joining my first Autism Speaks walk this month. I borrowed this format from their web site and posted on the fridge at work to help raise money. I didn't know the effect it would have on people. I wanted to save it as a reminder, to myself and for my angel that I love so much!

WALK FOR AUTISM

I walk because you are my love bug, my only child, much prayed for, desperately loved. I walk because you are mine.

I walk because I am a teacher. I worked with children like you before you existed. Little did I know, I was training for our life together. I walk because I am your mother.

I walk because every single day you make me proud. You face your fears and don't even know it. You encounter sounds, smells ans sights that make your body uncomfortable, yet you continue on. I walk because you are brave.

I walk because you are a gift. You have made me a better person, a better teacher, a better mother. You look at things from another perspective and give me insight, never ceasing to amaze me. I walk because of who you are.

I walk in support of other families who do not have the support we are blessed with. There are families who do not know the signs, who do not know where to go, who think their child is just naughty. I walk for information.

I walk because I do not know why. I am afraid to have another child because I'm not sure if autism is because of your premature birth, our genes, the environment. I walk in search of knowledge.

I walk because there are 1 in 110 families who are dealing with what we do every day. It is not an over diagnosis. It is real and it is now. I walk for research.

I walk to make "our typical" possible. Your stimming, your honesty, your personality is a part of me. I must try and think ahead of you. I have become a planner, a dietician, and educator, a researcher, and advocate and an author of social stories. I walk because this is my life.

I walk because you are my hero and I love you!

Love, Mommy

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Join our team in walking, monetarily and in prayer as we strive to find a cure for autism. Come see me or visit www.autismspeaks.org and click on the "walk now for autism speaks" link in the lower left corner for more information.

Hope

It's funny sometimes how my mind works. My son has been growing and changing, like all kids do, and somehow I started thinking that maybe he really doesn't have autism. Many people have told me that if I hadn't told them, they wouldn't have realized it. He behaves fairly typically. I let my mind go to that place of "what if....."

Then I went to a conference on autism in Tennessee. G's developmental pediatrician was the keynote speaker and they had many interesting topics like Occupational Therapy, ABA and Social Skills. It was a good day. I learned a lot and came home with ideas on how to help G as well as students in my class.

But probably the idea that hit home the most was that G definitely has autism. He fits the characteristics many professionals described. He does many of the things other parents talked about. He is the face of autism.

Instead of finding myself saddened or disappointed, I felt such hope. There was talk about the disturbing side of autism, but there was so much more emphasis on what can be done. There were positive stories told; success stories. Not just success in the autism world, not just in the earthly world but also in the spiritual world.

One professional briefly suggested that we check out a program called Mornings with Brant. It is apparently a morning radio show in the Chattanooga area. While I can't access the program here, I did visit the web site morningswithbrant.com . Brant is a happily married man of 20 years, successful Christian radio show host and has Asperger's. After exploring this website, I can't even begin to tell you the way I felt. The words seem inadequate but what comes to mind most is hope. Real hope.

If Brant can hold a job, have a wife and live for the Lord--while having Asperger's, then G can too! My sweet little three (almost four) year old can have it all. I know some may look at those three things and ask if that is "having it all". But I can't imagine being more successful than that. Having a job you love, that reaches people for God and furthers His kingdom, having a wife you love and that loves you in return and letting the world know that God provided it....wow, that's the life I want for G.

Thank you Father for providing hope for me, rejuvenating my spirit and most of all making it possible for my son to have it all!

Overwhelmed

It's not new news to anyone who reads this blog that I am often overwhelmed by situations in my life. I'm faced with many decisions daily regarding the care of my son, how to act or react to my ex husband, balancing a teaching career and just getting the laundry done!

Today's church sermon was on this very topic, or rather the ways Jesus was also overwhelmed while He was here on earth. Thank you Pastors Mark and Justin for opening my eyes. The whole sermon was fantastic but here are a few points that stuck with me the most....

1. Jesus was let down by others. He asked His disciples to stay awake but they fell asleep. Not once, but three times. Instead of getting angry or giving up, He just kept going. We have the option, just as Jesus did, to withdraw or shut down...to turn in to a victim. We have the choice to become angry...to turn into the villain. Or we can choose, as Jesus did, to become the victor. We can allow God to use our circumstance for His glory.

2. We have all heard people make remarks about church folk being hypocrites. Instead of arguing, we should agree. We are all hypocrites, whether we actually mean to be or not. We have all promised something we couldn't deliver or let someone down when they were counting on us. That's why we all need a savior.

3. God is more than just a "fix it God." God orchestrated new exodus through our sufferings, and we too may have have the courage to fall to our knees and pray "Father, thy will be done."

Today, I am asking God for the courage to pray for His will. I am honestly scared. I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to face any more pain, or have my son knee deep in it. I want the easy road. But it helps to know that Jesus wanted the easy road too. He asked God to spare Him, if there was any other way. But He also believed in the Father so much, He did what was asked of Him...even unto death. That I would have that faith and courage, my Father. Help me come to the place where I can honestly pray for Your will to be done in my life.

I'm not sure either

When I write, I usually write what God has laid on my heart. There is usually some lesson I've learned or example God has shown me that I don't want to forget, so I try to log it here. Tonight I'm laying here in bed, laptop open, beside my sleeping little guy, just thinking over the past few weeks events.

For G, school life is getting harder but hopefully better. I've enlisted the help of an ABA therapist for three mornings per week. He has been unable to stop himself from grabbing other children, their work or their belongings. He might seem mad or giggle as if it is the funniest thing on earth. His teachers and I were at the end of our bag of tricks, so we solicited some outside help.

The therapists themselves are fantastic. He has one lady come on Monday and Wednesday and then another to come on Tuesday. Then his OT visits him on Friday and his speech therapist comes on Thursday. Jam packed schedule huh? The problem lies in that we aren't completely cohesive on the plan of attack. They are all looking to me, but really..if I had the answers, would I have called them in the first place? I know I am here as his advocate, his only advocate. But if I make the wrong choice am I screwing him up? It's lots of pressure, let me tell you.

I love this boy with all of my heart. He is changing and growing every day and it is always something new and different. One day he is the sweetest, most loving child ever...then the next day his evil twin appears and he isn't happy for a moment! Are all children this way or is this one of the underlying issues with autism? For every one thing I've learned about autism, there are a hundred other things I've yet to figure out.

So if you are reading this and trying to figure out what this post is about....well I'm not sure either. I'm at a place where I'm looking forward to Spring Break, time off, slowing down while at the same time I'm regretting that time is passing so quickly. Sometimes G wakes in the morning looking like he has grown overnight. This motherhood thing is full of decisions, potholes, mountain tops and whirlwinds. But boy is it awesome! I can't imagine my life without this precious guy in it.

One thing I will ask of you....if my name or face (or that of G) comes before you, will you pray for us? Guidance, wisdom, deliverance...we need it all.

I'm tired

I'm tired. This has been a very busy season in my life. I've prepared parent/teacher conference notes. I've tagged many, many items for a local consignment sale. I've readied my classroom for International Night while at the same time getting my son ready for his class version.

We left school yesterday for a brief break (it was too far to drive home and back) . He chose dinner at Waffle House. Odd, but surprisingly fantastic since we were the only diners there. It was quiet. We had time to talk and relax, just the two of us before we headed back to the chaos of school. He was precious, excited to be singing his song (for the record, his class studied Antarctica and his teacher re-wrote the lyrics to 'Ice Ice Baby'....how cute!!!) He was looking forward to showing his projects off to me, Nana and Papa.

We finished dinner and headed back to school where he dressed, I dressed (my class was studying Swaziland) and we put the finishing touches on my room. He was the perfect gentleman, helping and following directions beautifully. Nana and Papa arrived and he escorted them to his classroom to get a seat. The students and parents from all the classes arrived and were soon milling around, putting on outfits and generally anxious to start.

My son's class was the first presentation of the evening. I made an announcement to my class as to where to find all they needed, the layout of the evening and that I was stepping over to see G's performance and would be back soon. I kept a careful eye on the clock, grabbed my video camera and walked across the hall to the sound of clapping..........I had missed it. The whole thing. My baby's first ever performance in his school career and I didn't see a single second of it.

It took all I had not to break down in tears. Turns out, the clock in my classroom was slow, the teacher started right on time, and the song was pretty short. I missed it all.

Can I even begin to describe how disappointed I am? We got a few still pictures but nothing to truly capture the movements and voices of G and his friends during the song.

My family came over to my class later on to watch us take our turn. I looked into the audience and saw G's concentration as he watched the students sing and dance. After it was over, he ran to give me a hug and told me he loved me. He went home with Nana and Papa while I stayed to clean up.

I'm not sure that G even realized that I missed his show. With all of the people there, I'm not sure he could even see his grandparents in the audience. But I knew it. It hurts my heart. I missed it. I missed it.

Thankfulness

I've been dealing a lot with how to praise God when things are rough. I know the Bible commands us to praise, but I sometimes feel like a hypocrite doing it. After all, I'm not thankful for the situation I'm facing. I can't see any good reason for it. So I did all I know to do...I prayed and asked God to show me. He did (doesn't He always??). He showed me in the form of blog I read from Chosenfamilies.org.

Trauma or Thanks

January 21, 2011 By Joan 1 Comment

“…in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thess 5:18

I was trying to figure out how to survive the highly emotional encounters with the bipolar loved ones in my life. Right In That Moment – what do I DO? One counselor (and yes, I have needed counselors) told me to give thanks…as in “give thanks in all things, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

I teethed on the pews, so I knew that verse, but frankly, not to be disrespectful or anything, I could NOT figure out how to give thanks in those moments. Finally, after many years, and at the risk of being hit by lightening or something, I emotionally pushed back. “Really? Am I supposed to say, ‘Thank you Jesus they are yelling at me right now?…or thank You they are so low they literally cannot face the day, or their responsibilities?…or I just can’t thank You enough that their emotions are so magnified they literally can’t tell they are wearing me out or squashing me like a bug??’” I felt that not only were they expecting too much out of me, but so was God.

I praise God for that counselor now. I get it. And it literally turns the tide for me emotionally so I do not “lose” radio contact with God as quickly. It’s been a shield, a strength, a solace. Probably not new to you, but since that day, my “thank-you” now sound something like these…

–as my bipolar loved one vents all his/her emotions towards me….
Jesus, I thank You that You know this is too much for me. Thank You for not telling me everything You feel! Thank You for only telling me what is for my good. Thank you for always keeping in mind that I am dust.

–as my bipolar loved one blames me for not making it “all better”…
Jesus, I thank You that YOU know I can’t fix this. All might and power rest with YOU, not me. Thank You that in every way necessary You made it “all better” on the Cross, giving hope that when I get to heaven it WILL be all better!

–as my bipolar loved one exhausts me emotionally…
Jesus, thank You that You are not bipolar. I don’t have to shield myself emotionally from You, because You always keep in mind how I am made. Thank you for specifically inviting me to come TO You when I am weary and heavy laden, and thank you for giving me rest. Thank you for being the kind of God that leads at a pace suited for women and children. (Not bipolar speeds.)

–as my bipolar one expects me to understand what he/she is thinking, and sort it out…
Jesus, I am thanking You right now that YOU understand what he/she is thinking. You understand his/her thought from far away, even before he/she say it. Thank You for having a mind big enough to wrap around all this. I am not omniscient and You know it. Thank you.

–as my bipolar loved one makes a mountain out of a molehill…
Jesus, thank You that You never exaggerate, minimize, or distort what it true. You are precise, true, dependable.

–when my bipolar loved one is all over the map…
Thank you Jesus for being the SAME. Yesterday, today, and forever. Thank you that when You make a decision towards me (to listen, love, forgive, understand) You do not change Your mind later.

There are many more…and if YOU have more to add, I’d love to hear them. Truthful thanksgiving is a life raft…

Thankfully,

Joan

Thank you Joan for posting from your heart. It has made all the difference in my life. And thank You Lord, for showing me the way!

Floods

I read bits and pieces of lots of blogs. Some are spiritual in nature, some pertain to children with challenges, some are just mixes of everyday life. One blog I read lately came from Chosenfamilies.org and the particular piece that struck my heart was written by a woman named Joan.

"The Lord saw this flood coming, and He did not prevent it. But by faith I believe He sat down as King over it." I sometimes picture God as so busy with things that it takes Him until the last minute to swoop in on our lives and stop the bad things from happening. That's my warped sense of an omnipotent God. It's easier to think of Him being so busy that He can't get to me right away or as the 'superman' type who will come just in the nick of time. But it's a harsh truth to realize that He is omnipotent. He does see the flood coming. He knows it before we do. He knows the issues it will cause us, and yet He doesn't always prevent it. My heart aches knowing that my God who loves me and CAN prevent the hurt chooses NOT to prevent the hurt in my life. I struggle with this idea often.

But like the next sentence in Joan's blog, I believe by faith that He is king over it. He allows us only what we can handle. He refines us in that flood, that pain, that trial. It is definitely no fun but He knows that too. He loves us through all of that. I am then reminded of one of my favorite songs, Still (by Reuben Morgan).

Hide me now, under your wings

Cover me within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm.

Father You are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God.

Find rest my soul

In Christ alone

Know His power

In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with you above the storm.

Father You are King over the flood

I will be still and know You are God.

Thank you Father for your love in the midst of the flood. And for giving me the blue prints to build an arc.

Driving in the Tracks

This week in our town, in our half of the state for that matter, we've had a record amount of snow and ice. The reading from our own backyard was 5 inches but I know some areas had more than that. On top of that beautiful snow was about a half inch of ice. We were out of school for 4 days before the private school where I teach decided it was time to try its hand at opening the doors.

We were opening at 10:00 instead of the usual 7 am time so that was helpful for those of us traveling in the still icy conditions. I left my little man home with his Nana, still fearful that the commute wouldn't be an easy one for our 45+ minute ride in.

Most of the major roads were fine to travel but the secondary streets were a nightmare. Sheets of ice still coated the road and cars moved much too fast for my taste. On several roads, there was a path to follow where other cars had previously traveled. If you stayed on the path they had laid out, it was smooth travels but if you shifted over to the right or the left, you could wind up sliding and skidding.

Of course as I was "white knuckle" driving the whole way to work, God chose this time to teach me a lesson. ( He sneaks up on me sometimes....although I shouldn't have been surprised, I was talking to Him the whole time!!) He impressed upon me that the lane I was traveling was a metaphor for life. He has laid out a path for me. All I have to do is stay on it. No veering to the right or left or I'd end up in trouble.

I was reminded of the temptations also. The temptation to pull out of the lane to get a closer look at something that looked beautiful from afar. The temptation to pull over just to stop and take a rest. The temptation to go as fast as others were..just to follow the crowd because it's what "everyone" else was doing. God them reminded me of how hard it is to get back on the path once you've been off of it. Tires spin, cars slide, sometimes you travel inches , sometimes you are just plain stuck. After it is all over with, it makes you wonder why you ever decided to get off the path to begin with.

Thank you Lord for providing me with the path you've laid out for me. Please give me eyes to see where you intend for me to travel, wisdom to stay on the path and strength for the journey.

Thoughts to Ponder

We've been snowed in for a couple of days now and I've been reading alot. I wanted to jot down a few things I've read lately so I don't forget the lessons God is showing me....

I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. In this passage, she's talking about soul mates. It's such an incredible idea, I've quoted it here.

"..a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you , and then they leave. And thank God for it." That idea just blew me away. I know people are sent to us for a purpose but I've never had that particular perspective on it.

The next bit in the book astonished me even more...." If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot- a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in- God will rush in- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. " God will rush in. He won't leave the void there, He won't move slowly toward us, He won't delay, He will RUSH in. Isn't that what happens when we give our hearts and lives over to Him? He immediately comes into our hearts with a peace and love we cannot even comprehend.

The last thought I have for today is one given to me by the pastor of Sunday's service. He was talking about "El Shaddai" translating into "more than enough". Another way to think of it is "too much". God is not 'just enough' or 'plenty', He is too much God. So if there is problem that is too much for me, my God is too much for it. Meaning, He can literally overcome any obstacle, problem or trial because He is already too much for it. Wow. I love it when God shows me new ways to look at things. I've probably heard 'more than enough' in relation to God many times in my life. But something about the phrase 'too much' packs a punch with me.

Then the thought of that very same God, using a soul mate to scrub me clean, showing me parts of myself that I didn't know about, comes rushing in to fill a void in my heart with his love until it is over flowing because He is a God who will not leave any area of my life empty...well, the thought of it has me standing here with my mouth agape. I stand in awe of Him. Then I smile.