Is it really 2016?

Is it really 2016? I can't believe it! I think time just fast-forwards when I blink!

Well to catch up on the last six months (yep, it's been that long since I've written) I feel like so much has happened, yet so much has stayed the same. G is doing well. He's in 3rd grade, still in my classroom. This will be his last year with me as his teacher. Next year we will open our Upper Elementary classroom and he will move next door. I am looking forward to it because it is sometimes hard to be with each other 24 hours a day. But at the same time it makes me sad.My guy is growing up. As hard as it's been, it has also been incredible. Not many people can say that they know what happened in their child's day to that extent. It's helped a lot, especially as we navigate these emotional waters. I will be forever grateful for this opportunity. I had prayed to be G's teacher; to have him close, safe and protected as we dealt with those problems with his dad. God heard me and granted my request. I will always be in awe of a God who heard this Mama's plea and gave me what I asked for.

In my personal life, things have been like a roller coaster. The man I had last dated, D, continued to stay in contact with me even after we had broken up in October of 2014. We didn't see each other, but spoke through FaceBook and text message. After the break up, most of the communication was heated. I was so angry and so hurt. Weeks would go by in which I swore that I would never talk to him again, but when he'd text, I would break the promise to myself. He apologized profusely and professed his love to me. After almost a year, I started warming up to the idea of dating him again. I even confessed to him that I did still love him, I was just so hurt that I couldn't have let him back into my life before now. Something felt "off" to me though. There was just this nagging feeling that I couldn't shake. I did some research and found out he is married.

Married. Married. Married. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I could see the words on my computer, but just couldn't wrap my mind around it really. So I sent a simple text telling him I knew. A couple of days later, I sent a very long email to him also. It was meant to be more cathartic to me than actually a letter to him. It helped for a while, but there is one question I am still hoping to have answered. When? When did he get married? How long was I being played for a fool? How many days and months was I struggling with my feelings, wondering if I was the bad guy for not immediately giving him a second chance? When? Maybe I will find that out and I can have some closure. For now, I'm praying on it. A LOT!

This Christmas was great though. With the birth of my nephew back in February, we had a new family member to work into the traditions. We had planned for the whole family to meet at my parent's house at 8:00 on Christmas morning. So G and I decided we would exchange our gifts on Christmas Eve day. Santa would visit as usual (early but not too early) on Christmas morning and then it would be off to Nana and Papa's. It worked beautifully. G wasn't overwhelmed. He essentially had 3 rounds of Christmas gifts which gave him some down time in between. He really seemed to enjoy it more this way and it felt relaxed to me too.

I think my favorite moment came a week or so before Christmas though. I usually buy G a new ornament for our tree each year. This year I couldn't find one that I really like though. So I settled for an ornament from an Autism site that said "I love you to the moon and back". This is one of our favorite sayings but I didn't realize it meant as much to him as it does to me. When it came in the mail and he opened it, he was thrilled with it. He told me, "Even if I don't get anything else, this is the best thing ever. I love it." There were tears in his eyes as he said that. I felt like crying myself. That isn't a sentiment you hear from an 8 year old boy! I will forever treasure that memory.

So here we are at the beginning of a new year. I don't make resolutions or plan to do anything earth shattering this year. I am just going to focus on being the best mom, teacher, daughter, sister and friend I can be. As for my love life, I now joke that God will have to deliver a man to me so I can be sure he's the one meant for me. God has a sense of humor so maybe my future husband is the UPS man!

Happy New Year!

Finally, some summer fun

Tonight's post is just for me. I just want to be sure I don't forget this evening...

Our summer's had a rocky start. First G got pneumonia, then I got bronchitis. For about 3 weeks, we've been SICK. We've done nothing fun. Nothing that says 'summer'. Nothing but lay on the couch and try to recover.

Over the last few days, I've started to feel almost human again so we've made a few trips out to run errands and such. Today, we jumped into summer vacation with both feet! We spent a few hours at the pool this morning and then went out for lunch. We cleaned a bit this afternoon while G waited anxiously for a new Disney movie that had its premiere tonight. My boy loves his musicals, so we pushed back bed time in order to see Teen Beach Movie 2. We made ice cream sundaes as we settled in to start the show.

This movie is a full on singing and dancing movie that he loved! Mid way through the movie, he asks me to dance. He decides that each time they dance in the movie, we should too. We were in our pjs, lights out (cause it's dark in here like a movie theater), hopped up on sugar, dancing like crazy folks. It was so much fun!

For this night, there was no weight on our shoulders. No sign of autism. No meltdowns. There was just sweet, sweet fun with my loving boy. At bedtime (two hours later than usual) he hugged me tight and thanked me for this night. Oh my sweet boy, no thanks are necessary. This is how it should be!

Parenting decisions

The autism struggles in our house are no secret. I've written many times before about meltdowns and therapies. Tonight though, my heart is burdened because of another side of this disability. G is at a place in his development where friendship is important. Great, right? This is a neurotypical part of life. But watching my boy maneuver the rocky road here is breaking my heart.

He wants friends. Desperately. He knows the term "BFF" and can be the most fun guy in the room. He can also meltdown without a moment's notice. He lashes out at those he loves the most. Then after it's all over, he genuinely doesn't understand why they won't play with him.  We are working on this. Every. Single.  Day. It gets harder though when you are also dealing with those children's parents.

For example, G had a very good streak going last week.  He'd shown some great helping skills, kept his composure most of the time and was promised ice cream on Friday afternoon. We invited a classmate and his mom to come along with us. They agreed that morning but changed their minds by the afternoon. G was devastated. In his mind, his friends had lied to him.  No matter of explaining that this wasn't a lie would console him. He and I went anyway, but it wasn't the same for him.

Later that night, the boy's mom sent me a text. Seems that G hit someone during the day and they didn't feel G should have been rewarded. It wasn't as blunt as that.  My friend loves us both, but in that moment, that is what I heard and felt.

First I got angry. I am his mom and if I want to give him ice cream every damn day of his life, that is my prerogative. Then I was sad. Even my closest friends don't get it. Yes, he hit someone but looking back at his track record, this week was golden! And the child he hit didn't hold a grudge. It had nothing to do with the family we'd invited for ice cream.

So now what? I'm trying to walk through this with love and forgiveness, but I'm hurt. My school family sees how hard we struggle just to be "normal" and yet the judgement is still there. Am I not doing enough? Am I parenting the wrong way? Or is my son going to forever live in a world that doesn't understand him? Will he ever have true friends that will stick with him through the hard parts and see that loving heart underneath? God help us both as we travel these uncharted waters.

Heavy Chats

I've had some hard talks with G before. Explanations about his dad. Talks about autism. We've had our share of heavy chats around here. Tonight was no exception.

The man I'm dating right now and I are going through a rough patch. We've been arguing for about a week now and can't seem to get our groove back. G notices that D hasn't been around as much and he's seen me cry over some of the arguments. We haven't done any of it in front of G. I've been careful to shield him as much as I could. In this age, texts are a blessing and a curse. 

Tonight we seemed to come to a mild understanding and decided to plan a date for Friday. I called Nana to see if she can watch G for me. As I'm explaining to G that he gets to spend some time with his grandparents, he starts shaking. He tells me that he doesn't want me to go. Let me say that this is 100% not the reaction I expected. He LOVES to go to their house. Begs for it! As I pressed him a bit, he started burying his head in my shoulder. Then he quietly said, " I don't want D to get mad at you and hit you."

I felt my heart hit the floor. D had never even hinted at violence. G was remembering his dad. This poor kid. I spent the next half hour reassuring him that D was not that kind of person. I promised him that if I had even the slightest hint of that sort of behavior, I would never date him. I think he understood, but I am so afraid that he will have that fear in his heart forever.

He took his bath, played for a while and then it was time for bed. As I tucked him in, he began crying hard. This time he was asking what would happen if D and I broke up. I tried to explain that if we broke up, it meant that God had a different person in mind for our family. I told him that we were trying to work things out but I couldn't promise what would happen. He was absolutely sobbing as he said, "I want to have a good daddy." 

We talked about families coming in different shapes and sizes but all my little boy knew was that he had been cheated out of a dad and he wanted one. He wanted a whole, complete family with a mom and a dad. I couldn't help but burst into tears myself. That's what I want too. 

Grateful

It's been a fantastic summer so far. We've taken a vacation to the beach, only worked minimally and spent time at the pool. There are lots of things I need to accomplish before school starts back in just about a month, but I find myself putting it on the back burner. I've found myself sucked into Pinterest ,reading novels and FaceBook, probably way more than is healthy. I've told myself that I needed the break, even earned the break. After all, I'm a busy person.

While it's true, I deserve some time to myself, I've found myself pulling away from the real world that is right in front of me. I haven't lived in the moment nearly enough. I realized yesterday that I have missed 'being there' with my fabulous son even while he is in the same room. Then last night, I read this blog post...http://vitafamiliae.com/what-i-learned-on-my-summer-vacation/.  Boy, did I cry!

I realized how ungrateful I'd become. I thought back to the time G was in the NICU and how I prayed for his very survival. For the last 7 years, I'd been asking God to rid us of a horrible situation. I've always had the dream of owning my own school. I've asked God to allow me to love again, and to be loved in return. God has been faithful to answer each and every prayer I've ever prayed. He has given me my heart's desire and I have spent the summer like every day was common, instead of the absolute miracle it is.

I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning pouring out my heart to Him and confessing my guilt. I thanked him for every single thing I could think of. I didn't even know the weight I had been carrying until it had lifted and I had a clear view of my life. God has been so faithful, even when I couldn't see it. He has carried me, provided for me, pushed me some and even drug me along kicking and screaming...but on the other side, I feel nothing but gratitude. He has given me everything I have prayed for.

As I finally fell asleep, I was at peace. And so very grateful for it all!

He chooses us

It seems like I often start my posts with the idea of how long it's been since I've written. I think life slips by me and I don't make the time to sit down and write. Tonight I heard words that squeezed my heart and I want to be sure to remember them. I use the term "squeezed" because these words didn't 'grip' me in fear, they squeezed my heart like a warm embrace. He said the words, " I choose this."

Choices are made by each of us every day. Good or bad, we make choices from what to eat for lunch to what color shirt to wear. Most choices are fairly minimal or routine. Others not only affect us, but others as well. Tonight, his words spoke to me in a way no other words ever have.

To back up a bit, I'll tell you a little about him. D and I grew up in the same circle of friends. We actually attended the same high school for a few years. However, we don't remember each other at all from that time! We connected through a dating web site and hit it off right away. I actually contacted some mutual friends and asked what they thought of him (and it turns out he was doing the same thing on his end). He is tough looking on the outside with a heart of gold on the inside. He loves to hold hands and cuddle up...my favorite! He is also very interested in G and his activities. He has told me that he has researched Autism. He regularly questions G's actions, in a positive way, trying to understand G and what he can do to help. I have fallen in love with D.

We'd had a disagreement earlier in the week and didn't really resolve the issue. Tonight we actually argued about it. He left our house in a huff and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I just knew that he was gone forever. After about 5 minutes, my phone rang. D was on the other end of the line. We did argue for a few minutes but we also cleared the air. I told him how much I hated that he left while he was upset. He told me that he was afraid of losing me. I voiced my fear that he would look at our life and all of our shit and realize that it was too much. After all, it wasn't his to deal with. His answer was, "I know it isn't mine, but I choose this."

Those words are seared on my heart. He has his eyes open wide and he chooses us. Not out of obligation but because he loves us and wants to be with us. I think I have waited my whole life to hear those words. I didn't know just how badly I wanted to hear it until tonight. He chooses us. He loves me. He loves G. He chooses us. My heart is beyond happy tonight.

Disappointment

It's been there in the background for the last couple of weeks. More distance. Less togetherness. Something that wasn't "quite right". Last night we made it official. We broke up.

As far as break ups go, it was the best I've ever had. Both of us sad, both of us crying, both of us wishing circumstances were different. But neither of us mad or being the bad guy. Both of us just sorry that it wasn't what it could be.

He left my house and I cried hard. I prayed hard. I now feel lost and sad and scared all at the same time. I've been in tears on and off all day. I've replayed the last five months in my head. We've never had a fight, never had a big disagreement...quite the opposite. We've laughed and shared jokes. We've been sarcastic. We've had incredible sex.

But the baggage we carry hangs over us like a dark cloud. Depression and past pain colors everything we do, together and apart. We try to move past it but it is still there, ready to haunt us just when things get good.

In the middle of the grown ups trying to sort out what to do and where to go with this is a sweet little 6 year old who loves us both. He doesn't understand what it means. We hugged, held hands and occasionally kissed in front of G. It took him a while to get comfortable with seeing us affectionate and now I'm explaining that we will just be friends. J says he still wants to be a part of our lives and I hope that is true. G calls J his "brother" and doesn't want to lose that. I don't want him to lose that either. J is a fantastic influence on G and heaven knows that G needs that kind of man in his life.

So I sit here tonight, reflecting. I have prayed on J's positive and negative points (long before tonight) and am grateful that he came into our life. It was his portrayal of Jesus that led my baby boy to a real relationship with God. He gave G a glimpse of what a real father should be. He played with G, got down on his level and tried to learn about Autism and G's world. For me, he spoke beauty back into my life. He made me feel special, wanted, needed again. I honestly thought that part of me was long gone. He reminded me that I don't want to be alone. He ignited a fire in me that I thought had died. I'm grateful to God for bringing us together, even if it was briefly.

I'm now praying that one of two things would happen....that we would mutually decide we are meant to be together (and that we act on it) or we can remain in each other's lives as the best of friends. No matter the outcome, I pray that the right person is sent into our lives, whether that is each other or someone else. I pray that we can finally work through the burdens and baggage that have claimed home in each of us for too long. I pray that we can both find true love, peace and happiness. We both deserve it.