In Limbo

I feel like I'm in limbo today.

 To give you some background, last week was really tough. We went to court and I lost my initial case. I can't put in too many details here, but I can tell you that I have a lot of evidence....A LOT. But the judge wouldn't admit much of it. He didn't completely hear my side of the story. The other party won. And my family lost.

I was immediately heartbroken. I had felt that God told me it was my time to act. I wasn't even too nervous about the court date. I had full confidence in my God. I just knew we would win. When the opposite happened, it was like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. My confidence was shattered. I felt let down. I felt cheated. And worst of all, it affected my son gravely. I had to go home and tell him that our prayers had not been answered.

I sent my friends an email telling them what had happened. I admitted my feelings of hurt and anger toward God. I needed them to help me rally. One very wise friend told me that it was ok to be angry with God. She reminded me that He was a big guy and could handle it...plus He already knew my feelings.

Another friend urged me to be angry at the system but to draw closer to God. Honestly, I could feel my heart hardening. I couldn't feel God's hand in this situation. I felt like God took my family to the middle of nowhere and left us there.

Over a week has gone by since that day and I am in limbo. I'm still hurt. I'm unsure of where to go from here. I am afraid to trust God since I've been let down but I'm afraid not to trust Him because He is the only one who can help. It's an awful feeling.

Today, my son wanted to go to church. I had no desire to go. I'm mad at God after all. I don't want to go to His house and worship Him. My heart just isn't in it.  But we did go...and the first prayer of the day by the worship leader spoke of how God is loving us. He spoke of how God is fighting for us, even as we are fighting against ourselves. God pricked my heart with that prayer.

As we left the service and shook hands with the pastor, he told me he'd received my email and would be answering soon. Now, we attend regularly but hadn't officially been introduced. I didn't know that he knew who I was. We had exchanged emails, but I felt a certain anonymity in explaining my situation. After all, I was one of hundreds of parishioners and one who certainly didn't stand out in the crowd. But he did know me, and loved me enough to point out that he had been praying for our situation. God knew I needed to hear that today.

I'm still in limbo..still rattled. Then as I sat down to write this tonight, I looked back at my last post. It was dated exactly one month ago. At that time I was strong enough to fight the enemy and hold up a friend when she couldn't do it herself.

I guess now it's my turn. I'll let someone else hold me up for awhile until I'm strong enough to do it for myself again.

Defeated....

I was chatting to a friend online tonight who presented me with the words, " I feel defeated." Seeing those words come across my computer screen made my heart sink. She has shared with me the struggles she is facing in her life. Both in business and personally, she is having a hard time.

I can imagine her feelings...she is in a valley. The mountaintop seems too high to reach. Sitting at the bottom with head in hand, crying, despairing over what events are transpiring all around her. I can imagine her feelings because I've been there too. Haven't we all? Even as we were talking, we realized that each of us in our immediate group of friends was going through this same season. We each have different events affecting us, but we are all in the valley.

In talking to my sweet friend and in thinking about our "valley" I actually started to get angry. Well first, I cried along with her and felt my heart break too, but then I got mad. She is a daughter of the most High God. I am too. Our friends are followers of Christ. We are on this journey together because of a shared vision we believe was given to us by God Himself. So how dare the enemy think he can load us up with his garbage!

He thinks he can because he is trying to wear us down. He wants us to be tired. He wants us to feel defeated. If we give up, then he has won. Well I have news for him....we are not giving up! When one of us feels defeated, we will hold her up until she regains her strength. We may all be in the valley, but we are here together for a purpose.

I'm reminded of the story of Moses holding the staff up during a battle. The battle was being won as long as he could hold up his arms. Now you know his arms got tired...he was weary....he was drained. In his own strength he couldn't do it anymore. But the men beside him stepped in. They held his arms up for him when he could no longer lift them up. They supported Moses. They didn't leave his side until the battle was won.

So enemy, you listen up. We are NOT giving up. We are NOT giving in. We are here, holding each other up, as long as it takes until this battle is won. We were sent here together for a purpose and we are going to see that purpose come to light. God has blessed it (and us) and we are going to fight every step of the way. We've read the end of the story and we know who wins.

Eavesdropping

I didn't mean to eavesdrop on my son tonight. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I heard him talking in the other room. He was curled up on the bed with one of his lovies. When you press his tummy, he recites a bedtime prayer. G has paid a lot of attention to prayers lately...those we pray together, the one his lovey says, and the ones offered up at lunchtime each day at school.

Tonight I heard him begin by saying the prayer along with his lovey. Then as the lovey stopped talking I clearly heard G on his own....

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer."

Psalm 19:14 flowed out of him so sweetly. We haven't practiced this particular verse or taught it in a devotional. It was part of a prayer a classmate says before lunch. Who knew that when we began this practice at LifeSong that it would be used to influence another heart? Who knew that my heart would be so influenced?

God knew. It was His plan from the beginning. He knew that this would be a stressful season in my life and that I would need this sweet reminder of His hand in my life and the life of my baby. Help me Father each day as I bind my heart to this prayer and let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.

I want this on record...

My last entry was on how hard Friday was. It was hard. But I am here to tell you (and I want this on record) how faithful God is.

After some days of soul searching and giving it all over to God, He has brought our school family together. Every one of the ladies who initially began this journey with us has agreed to continue on...every one! This is amid pay cuts, struggling families and unsure times. Each of us believes in this dream and that God has chosen us for this journey.

I know what it means for me...for my biological family to support me in this venture. But to have those people support and love you through the tough times, when your 'tough time' becomes their 'tough time' is almost beyond comprehension. My heart is overflowing with love and gratitude.

Just as the last member of our school family signed on, we were hit with another blow. I won't go into those details here, but it hit me hard. Then it made me mad. Then I started to laugh.

I'm not losing it (well at least I don't think I am) but it struck me as so funny. The enemy is working overtime trying to stop this dream...this dream that God placed in me so many years ago. It is comical to see the enemy throwing all of this at us when God has already reassured us that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Doesn't he know that he can't win?

So I want this on record; God is planning something HUGE for us....as LifeSong, as teachers, as moms, as followers of Christ. If we weren't meant to do something big for the Kingdom of God, the enemy wouldn't be trying so hard!

I am so excited! I can hardly wait to see God get all of the glory!

Yesterday

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I had meeting after meeting, each of which was worse than the last. I had to hear someone tell me a list of things I'd done wrong. I heard complaints about the way I do things. It made me mad, but also sad.

But the worst part of the day was letting my friends down. I had to tell not only one, but several, that I couldn't follow through on a promise I had made. This promise affected my life and theirs too. It was tough. I felt like I had let them all down.

I am not a person to make promises lightly. I try my very best to follow through on what I say I will do. Now in this situation, it wasn't something that I could help. It was just the situation we are in. But it didn't make me feel any better. I wanted to fix this situation for them, to be able to do for them what I had originally promised.

Fixing things...that's one thing that God deals with me on all the time. I have a hard time letting go and giving it over to God. I want to do what I can. I want to do more than I can. I just want to make everything okay for everyone. God kept trying to tell me that He is in charge and that He take care of everything. At the end of the day yesterday, He took all other options out of my hands. I just have to wait on Him.

While I was mindlessly looking at FaceBook last night, a friend's post hit home. "The Bible never once says 'figure it out,' but over and over again it says 'Trust God'. He's already got it all figured out."  Talk about a punch in the gut. How much clearer could it be?

So I've apologized to God for trying to do His job. I'm praying for this situation but am ultimately waiting on his decision in His timing. I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that knows what's best for me and will stop me in my tracks when I won't listen.

This Season

Today I read my friend J's blog (www.lotsofscotts.blogspot.com) about the joys of just watching your children. She spoke about this season, the only season, in which we will know our kids as children. The rest of their lives we will know them as adults. This gives us a unique chance to know them in this part of their lives.

As I reflected on this, I was saddened. I watched my son tonight act very much like an adult in a situation he shouldn't even be in, much less have to act mature beyond his years. He was talking to his dad on the phone. When his dad said, " I miss you" then G said it too. When his dad said, " I wish you could be here", G said it too. I watched G roll his eyes and make faces as he said these things to his dad. When he hung up the phone, I asked G about it. I couldn't understand the discrepancy I saw in his facial expressions versus the words he was saying. G told me, " I have to say those words to Daddy or he will cry and be sad. If I tell him I don't love him too, he will say 'why baby?' And I don't want to tell him that I don't love him because he is mean to people."

Whoa....here is my 5 year old trying to spare his dad's feelings. He is hiding what he really feels just so his dad won't be hurt. On one hand, I'm proud that he doesn't want to hurt feelings, but on the other hand, I want to him to always be honest with us. And I am crushed that this innocent little heart is having to deal with such hard things.

I am praying that in this season, the only season in which G gets to be a kid, that his burdens will be lifted. I am praying that he gets the chance to be carefree and that his innocence will be protected. And that his little heart learns that he can always lean on his Heavenly Father for anything.

The Power of Praise

I've just finished reading an absolutely life changing book called "The Power of Praise" by Merlyn Carothers.  I've heard about praising God in any circumstance, and I've tried it myself, but this book just hit home with me. If you haven't read it...go get it now!!! (It is an older book, so look it up on Amazon.)

The basis of the book is to praise God for everything. Easier said than done if you ask me. I was continually struggling within myself...how can I praise God for the bad things? A friend has cancer...so I should praise God? We are having financial trouble....praise God for that? My heart is broken....praise now? I was in such turmoil over this. The bible says to praise God but I felt like I was lying when I tried to praise Him in those situations.

In reading this book, something clicked inside me. You have to choose whether or not you believe God's word. That's what it boils down to. The Bible says in Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." If you truly believe that then you know God is working out your life for your good. Although it might not be the thing we are asking for, it might not be what we are hoping for....God is working it out for our good, and His glory.

So do I believe that verse? I thought I did before but I also thought that the enemy was pushing so hard against me that he was somehow making these bad things happen in my life. I prayed against the enemy, I fought against the enemy, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. What I didn't really think about was the fact that God was sovereign.

I had to go back and re-evaluate my beliefs about God. If He is sovereign, then He allows (or doesn't allow) certain things in my life. Maybe they do come from the enemy, but God allows it. That was a hard concept for me to comprehend.

And then there were my emotions....my heart was broken at the thought of my loving Father allowing something "bad" to come into my life. Why would He do that to me? When I say I struggled, I mean I STRUGGLED with it. But in reading this book, so many examples were given when the person involved might not have believed at first but decided just to give it a try. The things that happened as a result of praise...well, you need to read the book!

So I tried it. My prayers mostly went like this.."God, I praise You. I don't know why You are allowing this, but I am praising You anyway. Please help my emotions to catch up with scripture." At first I felt stupid. My head and heart were at war with each other.  But each day as I praised, I felt more at peace.

One morning I was praying for our school. We have not had the enrollment that we had hoped for although we are certain that this is the place God has for us. So I gave it to God. I told Him that I was praising Him for this situation, even though I didn't understand it. But I was being obedient and praising Him.  When I got to school, our day began just like many others. But about an hour into the day, we had not ONE, but TWO children enroll..and the promise of a third! Can you believe that? I started telling all of the ladies I work with about my prayers that day.  So I have seen it for myself that it works.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are hard things out there that will be more challenging to praise God for. I'm going through one such situation right now. But I am trying my hardest to praise Him for all of it. He is the one in charge and I owe my very life to Him. I will  continue to believe the promises God lays out for us in the Bible and put my emotions aside...PRAISE GOD!!