Time Flies.....

Wow, it's been awhile since I've written! Guess these are the lazy days of summer....except that ours hasn't been that lazy! We've vacationed to the beach, played in the pool, practiced sleeping in our own bed (who knew that would be so hard????), renovated a room, and saved our doctor and dentist checkups until now!

So here it is July, heading back to school is just around the corner, and so much has happened these last few months. G is reading 3 and 4 letter words very well. He's practicing his writing daily on some sort of paper or magazine in our house (thankfully he hasn't thought to attempt writing on the walls!). Just this morning he buttoned all of the buttons on his shirt while getting ready for church. He is growing and maturing by the minute.

A few weeks ago, we saw his developmental pediatrician who changed his diagnosis from PDD-NOS (Autism) to Asperger's Syndrome. Now I know that all of those fancy names for things still mean Autism. It's not gone. It rears its head at times when I least expect it. But still the change in wording made me feel good. It showed that other people are seeing improvement in G, just like I have. God is good.

Today during worship in church, I looked down to this handsome guy beside me and watched as he lifted his hands to God. Might have been mimic at what others were doing. Might have been just copycat behavior. But it might have been God at work in that little heart.

Each night we read a devotional at bedtime. G is understanding more and more of it. He's comprehending God's word. One of the most recent devotions was on anger. We deal with a lot of anger from his dad and this is hard for G to deal with also. We've talked about how to "be angry and sin not". Then today, we were heading to church when a man pulled up in the lane beside us and began shouting some FOUL words at the car behind him. The two men were shouting obscenities and threats...all within our earshot. G had a ring side seat for it. I was so glad when the light changed and we could pull away, but we could clearly see the car in front deliberately weaving to cut off the driver behind him several times. Now I had hoped that G would never hear some of those words he heard today but God used this as an opportunity for us to talk about it. G remarked that "daddy sounds like that sometimes", and lead us back to the verse "be angry and sin not". Only God can take something so foul and turn it into a learning opportunity.

Now as G is napping, I'm reading through some blogs I follow. One writer quoted Psalm 138:8, "The Lord will accomplish what concerns me" (NAS). Amazing. Purely Amazing.

Then I decided to look at some other translations of the same verse.

" The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me" (KJV)

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me" (ESV)

"The Lord will vindicate me" (NIV)

No matter which translation I read, each burns on my heart. Only God can accomplish, perfect, fulfill and vindicate a sinner like me.

God is good.

Summer Visit

This last week has been pretty tough. We've done so many things that left me feeling a bit like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Our school held its graduation ceremony and end of the year activities yesterday. There was laughter and tears, saying goodbye to children and parents I have grown to love.

Then we've been dealing with the dreaded summer visit. The plan was for G to visit his dad beginning Thursday night and coming home on Tuesday. G has been upset for days over this visit. He makes comments about not wanting to go, he wants to stay at home, etc. On Tuesday night as he got into bed he cried over it. ALOT. He had some fears over not having a night light there and we quickly remedied that by putting one in his bag to take. But it didn't stop the fear and dread.

Then on Wednesday night as we were getting ready to go to bed, G dropped a toy on his foot. Now I know this hurt. His toenail immediately turned blue. No doubt that he was in pain. But after about half an hour of crying, screaming and all manner of melt down, it occurred to me that something else might be going on. When I did ask, he let loose even more. It all boiled down to the fact that he did not want to spend the night with his dad.

Well we did manage to get him on a positive track and by Thursday evening he was getting excited about the prospect of going to do some things like attending a birthday party. He was nervous getting in his dad's car but was ok. He said he wanted me to call the next night (something he usually doesn't ask for).

Now onto tonight...I called. He cried, begged and pleaded with me to come get him. "I want you Mama. I want to go home to my Mama's house!" He was sobbing so hard I could barely make out most of his words. I tried my best to calm him down, reassuring him of all the fun he would have. He would have no part of it. He decided that he'd rather come home than go to the birthday party, go camping or play with the relatives he only sees there.

The worst part was that his dad wouldn't give in. I told him I would come pick G up and bring him back the next morning if he still wanted to see G. Of course, he wouldn't hear of it. So I listened to my baby wail for me for over half an hour. I tried my best to comfort him . I tried my best to make him feel better, talking while tears rolled down my cheeks.

After the conversation ended, I prayed about this whole situation. I've told God I'm trying hard to trust in Him, to believe there is a purpose for all of this. I am trying to praise God no matter what, but it is so hard. Especially when it is my son who is hurting. That's got to be the worst pain of all.

God, in His wisdom, knew I needed some help. I came in to check my email and found this as part of a devotional. Only God could orchestrate this timing.

I hope this speaks to you as powerfully as it did to me........

The Most Difficult Prayer
by Phyllis Hobe

It may seem easy to pray in gratitude—until we come across Paul's words in Thessalonians 5:18: "In every thing give thanks" (KJV). I have looked up this verse in many translations and there is no way around it. Paul is telling us to be thankful for everything.

There are so many things for which I could not thank God, not if I were to be honest with Him. And for a long time I couldn't even approach this kind of thanksgiving prayer. How could I be grateful for death, disease, for human cruelty and selfishness, for all the pain in this world? No, I could not be. Yet my resistance troubled me. In every other way in which I prayed I had received God's love and blessings. I wondered, Am I missing something vital in my life by not being able to give thanks for everything?

Then one day when I was visiting a dear friend who suffers from crippling arthritis, she asked me to pray with her. In a voice weekened by chronic pain she began speaking to God. Here is what she said:

My Dear Lord,

My life hasn't been easy and you know better than anyone because I have called on You often for aid and comfort. I have asked You why You allow me to suffer so much. I did not begin my life knowing You but I have loved You for a long time now.

But this pain! It destroys the joy in my life and my ability to give joy to others. What can I do for You now, hurting as I am? Is there some way this pain of mine can be used for good? Can it be of value to my family who must look after me, as I looked after them?

O my beloved God, You are leading me to the place of thanksgiving, aren't You? I am beginning to see Your light in my darkness to see the blessings even in my pain. Although I am not as cheerful as I once was, I am compassionate. I am learning at this very moment that pain is not really my enemy. Pain is my teacher. I am being instructed in the art of sensing the hurt in life, and I trust that You will now let me learn how I can be a source of comfort to all those who suffer.

I am no longer angry, God, not at you and not at life. I may not move very well but You have increased my sensitivity. I thank You for that. And I thank You for the understanding that there is a purpose in all things. And You are there in all things. Thank You in the name of the Your suffering Son, whose example is now made clear to me. Amen.

My friend's prayer helped me to see that I can thank God for everything. It isn't easy. But is is good. And it is honest.

Walk for Grant

I am joining my first Autism Speaks walk this month. I borrowed this format from their web site and posted on the fridge at work to help raise money. I didn't know the effect it would have on people. I wanted to save it as a reminder, to myself and for my angel that I love so much!

WALK FOR AUTISM

I walk because you are my love bug, my only child, much prayed for, desperately loved. I walk because you are mine.

I walk because I am a teacher. I worked with children like you before you existed. Little did I know, I was training for our life together. I walk because I am your mother.

I walk because every single day you make me proud. You face your fears and don't even know it. You encounter sounds, smells ans sights that make your body uncomfortable, yet you continue on. I walk because you are brave.

I walk because you are a gift. You have made me a better person, a better teacher, a better mother. You look at things from another perspective and give me insight, never ceasing to amaze me. I walk because of who you are.

I walk in support of other families who do not have the support we are blessed with. There are families who do not know the signs, who do not know where to go, who think their child is just naughty. I walk for information.

I walk because I do not know why. I am afraid to have another child because I'm not sure if autism is because of your premature birth, our genes, the environment. I walk in search of knowledge.

I walk because there are 1 in 110 families who are dealing with what we do every day. It is not an over diagnosis. It is real and it is now. I walk for research.

I walk to make "our typical" possible. Your stimming, your honesty, your personality is a part of me. I must try and think ahead of you. I have become a planner, a dietician, and educator, a researcher, and advocate and an author of social stories. I walk because this is my life.

I walk because you are my hero and I love you!

Love, Mommy

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Join our team in walking, monetarily and in prayer as we strive to find a cure for autism. Come see me or visit www.autismspeaks.org and click on the "walk now for autism speaks" link in the lower left corner for more information.

Hope

It's funny sometimes how my mind works. My son has been growing and changing, like all kids do, and somehow I started thinking that maybe he really doesn't have autism. Many people have told me that if I hadn't told them, they wouldn't have realized it. He behaves fairly typically. I let my mind go to that place of "what if....."

Then I went to a conference on autism in Tennessee. G's developmental pediatrician was the keynote speaker and they had many interesting topics like Occupational Therapy, ABA and Social Skills. It was a good day. I learned a lot and came home with ideas on how to help G as well as students in my class.

But probably the idea that hit home the most was that G definitely has autism. He fits the characteristics many professionals described. He does many of the things other parents talked about. He is the face of autism.

Instead of finding myself saddened or disappointed, I felt such hope. There was talk about the disturbing side of autism, but there was so much more emphasis on what can be done. There were positive stories told; success stories. Not just success in the autism world, not just in the earthly world but also in the spiritual world.

One professional briefly suggested that we check out a program called Mornings with Brant. It is apparently a morning radio show in the Chattanooga area. While I can't access the program here, I did visit the web site morningswithbrant.com . Brant is a happily married man of 20 years, successful Christian radio show host and has Asperger's. After exploring this website, I can't even begin to tell you the way I felt. The words seem inadequate but what comes to mind most is hope. Real hope.

If Brant can hold a job, have a wife and live for the Lord--while having Asperger's, then G can too! My sweet little three (almost four) year old can have it all. I know some may look at those three things and ask if that is "having it all". But I can't imagine being more successful than that. Having a job you love, that reaches people for God and furthers His kingdom, having a wife you love and that loves you in return and letting the world know that God provided it....wow, that's the life I want for G.

Thank you Father for providing hope for me, rejuvenating my spirit and most of all making it possible for my son to have it all!

Overwhelmed

It's not new news to anyone who reads this blog that I am often overwhelmed by situations in my life. I'm faced with many decisions daily regarding the care of my son, how to act or react to my ex husband, balancing a teaching career and just getting the laundry done!

Today's church sermon was on this very topic, or rather the ways Jesus was also overwhelmed while He was here on earth. Thank you Pastors Mark and Justin for opening my eyes. The whole sermon was fantastic but here are a few points that stuck with me the most....

1. Jesus was let down by others. He asked His disciples to stay awake but they fell asleep. Not once, but three times. Instead of getting angry or giving up, He just kept going. We have the option, just as Jesus did, to withdraw or shut down...to turn in to a victim. We have the choice to become angry...to turn into the villain. Or we can choose, as Jesus did, to become the victor. We can allow God to use our circumstance for His glory.

2. We have all heard people make remarks about church folk being hypocrites. Instead of arguing, we should agree. We are all hypocrites, whether we actually mean to be or not. We have all promised something we couldn't deliver or let someone down when they were counting on us. That's why we all need a savior.

3. God is more than just a "fix it God." God orchestrated new exodus through our sufferings, and we too may have have the courage to fall to our knees and pray "Father, thy will be done."

Today, I am asking God for the courage to pray for His will. I am honestly scared. I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to face any more pain, or have my son knee deep in it. I want the easy road. But it helps to know that Jesus wanted the easy road too. He asked God to spare Him, if there was any other way. But He also believed in the Father so much, He did what was asked of Him...even unto death. That I would have that faith and courage, my Father. Help me come to the place where I can honestly pray for Your will to be done in my life.

I'm not sure either

When I write, I usually write what God has laid on my heart. There is usually some lesson I've learned or example God has shown me that I don't want to forget, so I try to log it here. Tonight I'm laying here in bed, laptop open, beside my sleeping little guy, just thinking over the past few weeks events.

For G, school life is getting harder but hopefully better. I've enlisted the help of an ABA therapist for three mornings per week. He has been unable to stop himself from grabbing other children, their work or their belongings. He might seem mad or giggle as if it is the funniest thing on earth. His teachers and I were at the end of our bag of tricks, so we solicited some outside help.

The therapists themselves are fantastic. He has one lady come on Monday and Wednesday and then another to come on Tuesday. Then his OT visits him on Friday and his speech therapist comes on Thursday. Jam packed schedule huh? The problem lies in that we aren't completely cohesive on the plan of attack. They are all looking to me, but really..if I had the answers, would I have called them in the first place? I know I am here as his advocate, his only advocate. But if I make the wrong choice am I screwing him up? It's lots of pressure, let me tell you.

I love this boy with all of my heart. He is changing and growing every day and it is always something new and different. One day he is the sweetest, most loving child ever...then the next day his evil twin appears and he isn't happy for a moment! Are all children this way or is this one of the underlying issues with autism? For every one thing I've learned about autism, there are a hundred other things I've yet to figure out.

So if you are reading this and trying to figure out what this post is about....well I'm not sure either. I'm at a place where I'm looking forward to Spring Break, time off, slowing down while at the same time I'm regretting that time is passing so quickly. Sometimes G wakes in the morning looking like he has grown overnight. This motherhood thing is full of decisions, potholes, mountain tops and whirlwinds. But boy is it awesome! I can't imagine my life without this precious guy in it.

One thing I will ask of you....if my name or face (or that of G) comes before you, will you pray for us? Guidance, wisdom, deliverance...we need it all.

I'm tired

I'm tired. This has been a very busy season in my life. I've prepared parent/teacher conference notes. I've tagged many, many items for a local consignment sale. I've readied my classroom for International Night while at the same time getting my son ready for his class version.

We left school yesterday for a brief break (it was too far to drive home and back) . He chose dinner at Waffle House. Odd, but surprisingly fantastic since we were the only diners there. It was quiet. We had time to talk and relax, just the two of us before we headed back to the chaos of school. He was precious, excited to be singing his song (for the record, his class studied Antarctica and his teacher re-wrote the lyrics to 'Ice Ice Baby'....how cute!!!) He was looking forward to showing his projects off to me, Nana and Papa.

We finished dinner and headed back to school where he dressed, I dressed (my class was studying Swaziland) and we put the finishing touches on my room. He was the perfect gentleman, helping and following directions beautifully. Nana and Papa arrived and he escorted them to his classroom to get a seat. The students and parents from all the classes arrived and were soon milling around, putting on outfits and generally anxious to start.

My son's class was the first presentation of the evening. I made an announcement to my class as to where to find all they needed, the layout of the evening and that I was stepping over to see G's performance and would be back soon. I kept a careful eye on the clock, grabbed my video camera and walked across the hall to the sound of clapping..........I had missed it. The whole thing. My baby's first ever performance in his school career and I didn't see a single second of it.

It took all I had not to break down in tears. Turns out, the clock in my classroom was slow, the teacher started right on time, and the song was pretty short. I missed it all.

Can I even begin to describe how disappointed I am? We got a few still pictures but nothing to truly capture the movements and voices of G and his friends during the song.

My family came over to my class later on to watch us take our turn. I looked into the audience and saw G's concentration as he watched the students sing and dance. After it was over, he ran to give me a hug and told me he loved me. He went home with Nana and Papa while I stayed to clean up.

I'm not sure that G even realized that I missed his show. With all of the people there, I'm not sure he could even see his grandparents in the audience. But I knew it. It hurts my heart. I missed it. I missed it.