Heavy Chats

I've had some hard talks with G before. Explanations about his dad. Talks about autism. We've had our share of heavy chats around here. Tonight was no exception.

The man I'm dating right now and I are going through a rough patch. We've been arguing for about a week now and can't seem to get our groove back. G notices that D hasn't been around as much and he's seen me cry over some of the arguments. We haven't done any of it in front of G. I've been careful to shield him as much as I could. In this age, texts are a blessing and a curse. 

Tonight we seemed to come to a mild understanding and decided to plan a date for Friday. I called Nana to see if she can watch G for me. As I'm explaining to G that he gets to spend some time with his grandparents, he starts shaking. He tells me that he doesn't want me to go. Let me say that this is 100% not the reaction I expected. He LOVES to go to their house. Begs for it! As I pressed him a bit, he started burying his head in my shoulder. Then he quietly said, " I don't want D to get mad at you and hit you."

I felt my heart hit the floor. D had never even hinted at violence. G was remembering his dad. This poor kid. I spent the next half hour reassuring him that D was not that kind of person. I promised him that if I had even the slightest hint of that sort of behavior, I would never date him. I think he understood, but I am so afraid that he will have that fear in his heart forever.

He took his bath, played for a while and then it was time for bed. As I tucked him in, he began crying hard. This time he was asking what would happen if D and I broke up. I tried to explain that if we broke up, it meant that God had a different person in mind for our family. I told him that we were trying to work things out but I couldn't promise what would happen. He was absolutely sobbing as he said, "I want to have a good daddy." 

We talked about families coming in different shapes and sizes but all my little boy knew was that he had been cheated out of a dad and he wanted one. He wanted a whole, complete family with a mom and a dad. I couldn't help but burst into tears myself. That's what I want too. 

Grateful

It's been a fantastic summer so far. We've taken a vacation to the beach, only worked minimally and spent time at the pool. There are lots of things I need to accomplish before school starts back in just about a month, but I find myself putting it on the back burner. I've found myself sucked into Pinterest ,reading novels and FaceBook, probably way more than is healthy. I've told myself that I needed the break, even earned the break. After all, I'm a busy person.

While it's true, I deserve some time to myself, I've found myself pulling away from the real world that is right in front of me. I haven't lived in the moment nearly enough. I realized yesterday that I have missed 'being there' with my fabulous son even while he is in the same room. Then last night, I read this blog post...http://vitafamiliae.com/what-i-learned-on-my-summer-vacation/.  Boy, did I cry!

I realized how ungrateful I'd become. I thought back to the time G was in the NICU and how I prayed for his very survival. For the last 7 years, I'd been asking God to rid us of a horrible situation. I've always had the dream of owning my own school. I've asked God to allow me to love again, and to be loved in return. God has been faithful to answer each and every prayer I've ever prayed. He has given me my heart's desire and I have spent the summer like every day was common, instead of the absolute miracle it is.

I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning pouring out my heart to Him and confessing my guilt. I thanked him for every single thing I could think of. I didn't even know the weight I had been carrying until it had lifted and I had a clear view of my life. God has been so faithful, even when I couldn't see it. He has carried me, provided for me, pushed me some and even drug me along kicking and screaming...but on the other side, I feel nothing but gratitude. He has given me everything I have prayed for.

As I finally fell asleep, I was at peace. And so very grateful for it all!

He chooses us

It seems like I often start my posts with the idea of how long it's been since I've written. I think life slips by me and I don't make the time to sit down and write. Tonight I heard words that squeezed my heart and I want to be sure to remember them. I use the term "squeezed" because these words didn't 'grip' me in fear, they squeezed my heart like a warm embrace. He said the words, " I choose this."

Choices are made by each of us every day. Good or bad, we make choices from what to eat for lunch to what color shirt to wear. Most choices are fairly minimal or routine. Others not only affect us, but others as well. Tonight, his words spoke to me in a way no other words ever have.

To back up a bit, I'll tell you a little about him. D and I grew up in the same circle of friends. We actually attended the same high school for a few years. However, we don't remember each other at all from that time! We connected through a dating web site and hit it off right away. I actually contacted some mutual friends and asked what they thought of him (and it turns out he was doing the same thing on his end). He is tough looking on the outside with a heart of gold on the inside. He loves to hold hands and cuddle up...my favorite! He is also very interested in G and his activities. He has told me that he has researched Autism. He regularly questions G's actions, in a positive way, trying to understand G and what he can do to help. I have fallen in love with D.

We'd had a disagreement earlier in the week and didn't really resolve the issue. Tonight we actually argued about it. He left our house in a huff and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I just knew that he was gone forever. After about 5 minutes, my phone rang. D was on the other end of the line. We did argue for a few minutes but we also cleared the air. I told him how much I hated that he left while he was upset. He told me that he was afraid of losing me. I voiced my fear that he would look at our life and all of our shit and realize that it was too much. After all, it wasn't his to deal with. His answer was, "I know it isn't mine, but I choose this."

Those words are seared on my heart. He has his eyes open wide and he chooses us. Not out of obligation but because he loves us and wants to be with us. I think I have waited my whole life to hear those words. I didn't know just how badly I wanted to hear it until tonight. He chooses us. He loves me. He loves G. He chooses us. My heart is beyond happy tonight.

Disappointment

It's been there in the background for the last couple of weeks. More distance. Less togetherness. Something that wasn't "quite right". Last night we made it official. We broke up.

As far as break ups go, it was the best I've ever had. Both of us sad, both of us crying, both of us wishing circumstances were different. But neither of us mad or being the bad guy. Both of us just sorry that it wasn't what it could be.

He left my house and I cried hard. I prayed hard. I now feel lost and sad and scared all at the same time. I've been in tears on and off all day. I've replayed the last five months in my head. We've never had a fight, never had a big disagreement...quite the opposite. We've laughed and shared jokes. We've been sarcastic. We've had incredible sex.

But the baggage we carry hangs over us like a dark cloud. Depression and past pain colors everything we do, together and apart. We try to move past it but it is still there, ready to haunt us just when things get good.

In the middle of the grown ups trying to sort out what to do and where to go with this is a sweet little 6 year old who loves us both. He doesn't understand what it means. We hugged, held hands and occasionally kissed in front of G. It took him a while to get comfortable with seeing us affectionate and now I'm explaining that we will just be friends. J says he still wants to be a part of our lives and I hope that is true. G calls J his "brother" and doesn't want to lose that. I don't want him to lose that either. J is a fantastic influence on G and heaven knows that G needs that kind of man in his life.

So I sit here tonight, reflecting. I have prayed on J's positive and negative points (long before tonight) and am grateful that he came into our life. It was his portrayal of Jesus that led my baby boy to a real relationship with God. He gave G a glimpse of what a real father should be. He played with G, got down on his level and tried to learn about Autism and G's world. For me, he spoke beauty back into my life. He made me feel special, wanted, needed again. I honestly thought that part of me was long gone. He reminded me that I don't want to be alone. He ignited a fire in me that I thought had died. I'm grateful to God for bringing us together, even if it was briefly.

I'm now praying that one of two things would happen....that we would mutually decide we are meant to be together (and that we act on it) or we can remain in each other's lives as the best of friends. No matter the outcome, I pray that the right person is sent into our lives, whether that is each other or someone else. I pray that we can finally work through the burdens and baggage that have claimed home in each of us for too long. I pray that we can both find true love, peace and happiness. We both deserve it.

Leaving my baggage outside

Since I've last blogged, so much has happened in my life. Several months have gone by in what seems like the blink of an eye. Seasons have changed, holidays have passed and many changes have ensued.


The single biggest change in my life has been that of J. He is the man I've spoken of in many previous posts. We are officially dating, and have been rather steadily since October. He is a fantastic man; very kind, generous and gentle. He has a wonderful sense of humor and both G and I are enamored with him. And he is so good with G! He is patient with him but also lots of fun. G actually gets upset when J isn't coming over or we have to change our plans. If he had his way, J would be with us every night.


The good and bad part of this relationship is that J and I share lots of the same baggage. We've both come from very difficult relationships. We've both had some major issues where our children are concerned. It's great that we can easily understand and sympathize with each other but it is also hard in that we both carry an incredibly heavy load. It stands to reason that we are moving along cautiously.


Tonight we celebrated J's birthday. I hope it was as much fun for him as it was for us. Planning a 'birthday party' as G calls it, is one of his favorite things in the world. He was almost giddy by the time J got to open his presents and have cake! But after G went to bed and we were saying goodnight to each other, things took a more serious turn.


The conversation wound up in sober tone and before I knew it, I was crying. J didn't do anything wrong, quite the opposite. He proved to me that he had paid attention to me during some previous talks about our 'baggage'. He let me know that he had heard my hurts and understood my pain. At one point he even reached up and gently wiped a tear from my face. He knew how I felt because he had been there too.


In my head, though, I heard a different voice. I heard the one that used to tell me how stupid I was. I heard the voice that told me I wasn't good enough, that no matter what I did, it wouldn't work. I heard the voice that reminded me how unattractive I was. I heard the voice that told me that no one would ever love me.


How can it be that the voice from the past can speak louder than the one sitting right in front of you? How can a memory be so vivid that it blocks your view of the present?  Why does my mind even allow the pain to seep in during a joyous occasion? I don't have the answers to that. I don't know when the voice will be silenced, if it ever will.


All I know is that I refuse to allow my past to continue to creep into my future. I know there are scars that I will always carry but I don't want them to be the first things you see when you look at me. J reminded me tonight that good or bad, our past has made us who we are today. And part of that is being together now.


So I'm struggling to squash the voice that tells me I'm ugly and fighting to hear J's voice tell me I'm beautiful. I'm holding my breath until the memory of the violent hand leaves my mind and I can focus on the gentle hand who is squeezing mine. I'm choosing to push away the pain of putting my little boy to bed alone and focusing on watching this wonderful man embrace my child as his head hits the pillow.


I'm choosing joy. I'm choosing love. And I'm praying to leave my baggage outside.