What I Want

I am feeling so down today. I'll just put it out there plain and simple. There has been no dramatic events this weekend, no crazy roller coaster to put my emotions on high alert. I'm just down.

I'm lonely. Yes, I have a fantastic family and a great job. But I would like the occasional date or even a boyfriend to share the grown up moments with. I'd like to be taken out to dinner every now and then. I'd like it if someone found me attractive. I'd like to feel the butterflies in my stomach when you have that someone special to connect with.

I want my own place. I want to make my own rules for me and my son. I want to be the one to enforce them when needed and decide to throw them to the wind when I want to. I want us to eat healthy every single day without having to think if someone else will enjoy the dinner I make. I want to decorate how I like to, not to someone else's taste.

I want more students at our school. I want a higher salary and to be financially stable. I want to be sure what I am doing is the right thing and to know that I am making a difference in the kids' lives. I want my son to thrive in the Montessori environment. I want him to love that school as much as I do and to value the friends he has there.

I want to be able to take G off his medicine. I want his body to cooperate with his mind so that he can calm down and learn without having to take medication with potential side effects just to get through the lessons. I want him to let go of his anger and be a happy-go-lucky six year old. I want all of the hurts of his past to be laid down and for him to move forward, never having to look back.

I want to stop wondering what comes next. I want to know that the evil that has haunted us for 6 years is utterly and completely gone. Finished. Permanently. I want to stop looking over my shoulder at every turn and just move forward with my life and the life of my child.

I want to laugh, truly laugh, again. I want to be so full of joy that it oozes out of me. I want to walk around with a silly smile on my face because I just can't contain my joy.

I want it all. Is that too much to ask?