I am feeling so down today. I'll just put it out there plain and simple. There has been no dramatic events this weekend, no crazy roller coaster to put my emotions on high alert. I'm just down.
I'm lonely. Yes, I have a fantastic family and a great job. But I would like the occasional date or even a boyfriend to share the grown up moments with. I'd like to be taken out to dinner every now and then. I'd like it if someone found me attractive. I'd like to feel the butterflies in my stomach when you have that someone special to connect with.
I want my own place. I want to make my own rules for me and my son. I want to be the one to enforce them when needed and decide to throw them to the wind when I want to. I want us to eat healthy every single day without having to think if someone else will enjoy the dinner I make. I want to decorate how I like to, not to someone else's taste.
I want more students at our school. I want a higher salary and to be financially stable. I want to be sure what I am doing is the right thing and to know that I am making a difference in the kids' lives. I want my son to thrive in the Montessori environment. I want him to love that school as much as I do and to value the friends he has there.
I want to be able to take G off his medicine. I want his body to cooperate with his mind so that he can calm down and learn without having to take medication with potential side effects just to get through the lessons. I want him to let go of his anger and be a happy-go-lucky six year old. I want all of the hurts of his past to be laid down and for him to move forward, never having to look back.
I want to stop wondering what comes next. I want to know that the evil that has haunted us for 6 years is utterly and completely gone. Finished. Permanently. I want to stop looking over my shoulder at every turn and just move forward with my life and the life of my child.
I want to laugh, truly laugh, again. I want to be so full of joy that it oozes out of me. I want to walk around with a silly smile on my face because I just can't contain my joy.
I want it all. Is that too much to ask?
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Laying them down
I have so much on my mind these days and it's hard to put it into words; well, coherent ones anyway. My heart is being torn in different directions over many different things. So I'll dive right in and apologize now for the ramblings.
G's last visit with his dad was not good. Dad apparently broke some major rules with the case worker. Luckily we were gone when this happened and G didn't see it, but I am praying this is the straw that broke the camel's back. After about 5 weeks, G had to go see him again and I was really mad at God that He had allowed it. It toys with G's emotions in a way that is completely unfair. But after these latest events, there is a real hope that this might be the end. So I'm waiting with baited breath to find out from the case worker in an official capacity what this means. Please, please pray for us that this horrible chapter in our lives is over. Permanently. Forever.
Totally unrelated, I met a man about 2 years ago. We've been emailing back and forth since that time but it was sporadic, until about the last 6 months. Then we began talking much more often. He asked me out, but I wasn't sure I was ready at the time. We kept on chatting. I've gotten to know him better and for lack of a better word, I am smitten. I'm ready to date him but now the roles have reversed. He told me he was still interested but has been hit with some really trying times, financially included, and he doesn't feel he can date now. My heart says he is honest and the timing is just off here but at the same time I feel rejected.
After 6 years of saying that I would never date again, I am really interested in this guy. He seems so incredibly kind and gentle...and that is what I crave. He says he is the 'nice guy' that always gets hurt and is fearful it will happen again. I get that. I'm the female version of that scenario. I know my words to him are lip service at this point. He doesn't know that I have been hurt so many times that I've lost count. He doesn't know how terrified I was to even start talking to him on a personal level. He doesn't know that I had resigned myself to living alone and focus on raising my son. He doesn't know that I had prayed to God to take away any desire I would ever have to be with another man again. That's how scared I was to make another mistake.
I don't know what it is now. I don't know why I've put myself out there to him. I don't know what he has said or done that has me wanting to know more. I cannot explain it. I just feel myself being drawn to him. It sounds completely crazy. We've only seen each other face to face once where we've had the chance to talk and that was only for a few minutes. All I know is that I want to be in his world and I want to know him better. And now it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
So last night I stayed up most of the night, trying to sort out my emotions. I cried, I prayed and I repeatedly went over and over these things in my head. I want to take G by the hand and walk away from his dad forever. I want to close this section of our lives so that we never, ever have to think about it again. And then I want to walk toward my friend and see him with his arms outstretched to welcome me in. But I can't do either of those. These things are out of my control and that absolutely sucks.
Please pray for us as we navigate these waters. I don't know what is going happen in either situation. I know what I am hoping for, but I also know that my hopes are not always God's plans. I'm trying desperately to turn them over to Him but it is hard to let go. Please join me in laying our troubles at the feet of Jesus...
G's last visit with his dad was not good. Dad apparently broke some major rules with the case worker. Luckily we were gone when this happened and G didn't see it, but I am praying this is the straw that broke the camel's back. After about 5 weeks, G had to go see him again and I was really mad at God that He had allowed it. It toys with G's emotions in a way that is completely unfair. But after these latest events, there is a real hope that this might be the end. So I'm waiting with baited breath to find out from the case worker in an official capacity what this means. Please, please pray for us that this horrible chapter in our lives is over. Permanently. Forever.
Totally unrelated, I met a man about 2 years ago. We've been emailing back and forth since that time but it was sporadic, until about the last 6 months. Then we began talking much more often. He asked me out, but I wasn't sure I was ready at the time. We kept on chatting. I've gotten to know him better and for lack of a better word, I am smitten. I'm ready to date him but now the roles have reversed. He told me he was still interested but has been hit with some really trying times, financially included, and he doesn't feel he can date now. My heart says he is honest and the timing is just off here but at the same time I feel rejected.
After 6 years of saying that I would never date again, I am really interested in this guy. He seems so incredibly kind and gentle...and that is what I crave. He says he is the 'nice guy' that always gets hurt and is fearful it will happen again. I get that. I'm the female version of that scenario. I know my words to him are lip service at this point. He doesn't know that I have been hurt so many times that I've lost count. He doesn't know how terrified I was to even start talking to him on a personal level. He doesn't know that I had resigned myself to living alone and focus on raising my son. He doesn't know that I had prayed to God to take away any desire I would ever have to be with another man again. That's how scared I was to make another mistake.
I don't know what it is now. I don't know why I've put myself out there to him. I don't know what he has said or done that has me wanting to know more. I cannot explain it. I just feel myself being drawn to him. It sounds completely crazy. We've only seen each other face to face once where we've had the chance to talk and that was only for a few minutes. All I know is that I want to be in his world and I want to know him better. And now it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
So last night I stayed up most of the night, trying to sort out my emotions. I cried, I prayed and I repeatedly went over and over these things in my head. I want to take G by the hand and walk away from his dad forever. I want to close this section of our lives so that we never, ever have to think about it again. And then I want to walk toward my friend and see him with his arms outstretched to welcome me in. But I can't do either of those. These things are out of my control and that absolutely sucks.
Please pray for us as we navigate these waters. I don't know what is going happen in either situation. I know what I am hoping for, but I also know that my hopes are not always God's plans. I'm trying desperately to turn them over to Him but it is hard to let go. Please join me in laying our troubles at the feet of Jesus...
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