In His Power

Yesterday I had a very informative meeting. I won't bore you with the details, but the lady I met with helped me more in one hour than others have helped me with in weeks. She answered questions for me and helped me understand situations I was unsure of. She gave me hard truths but advise that gave me a lot to think about.

While that sounds like good news, and in many ways it is, the ultimate information is a very hard pill to swallow. It wasn't what I had hoped to hear. I expected some closure, some ultimate change to happen as a result. That wasn't how I left the meeting. I left with a long 'to do' list. I left with much to ponder. I left laughing. I found myself pulling out of the parking lot actually laughing. God had done it again.

God had turned my situation into one that only He can fix. Only He can rectify this. Only God. He does this to me often and you'd think I would be used to it by now. He lets me try to fix things, because I continue to think I can, until I finally realize that it is only His power that will change things.

God lets me spin my wheels. He lets me work and search and try my hardest. I don't think He does it to be mean. He does it to prove to me that in my power, I can't do it. He allows it so I can lean on Him..so I can lean into Him.

While the situation my family is in is definitely not easy, I am grateful for the way God has used it. I literally felt the weight lift off my shoulders when I realized that it was God's battle, not mine. I can't do it, but He can!

He alredy knew

I've been struggling lately with my faith. I have argued with God, tried to pray and ultimately begged Him to show me why. Why did this happen to us? Why would He put an innocent child through this? Why can't we just have peace?

I know my heart has hardened a bit. My prayer life has suffered. I can feel this wall building between myself and God and I'm just not sure what to do about it. My prayers go back and forth..."God we love you...Lord we praise you....Please help us....Why are you allowing this....Why don't you stop this...I am so mad that you aren't doing something....Please help me understand...Please soften my heart....Protect us."

I'm torn. On one hand I am so angry at God that I want to turn my back and never speak to Him again. On the other hand, I am begging Him to protect us because He is the only one who can. I've told Him all of this by the way. I have a feeling He already knew.

But it is amazing the ways He chooses to speak to us...well to me anyway. G was watching a movie the other night in which they were talking about believing in Santa Claus. The character explains that having faith is believing even when you can't see it for yourself. I know the movie was talking about Santa...but God was speaking to my heart about my faith. Or lack thereof.

I'm chewing on this a bit when today we end up at Urgent Care. G's regular pediatrician was full and couldn't take him today so off we went. We waited....and waited....and waited. We waited two and a half hours before we saw the doctor. Yes, you heard me right. Two and a half hours. I can't complain about G. He was incredible. He only asked a few times when it would be our turn. 

Now me, on the other hand, was getting pretty irritated at having to wait so long. I would pray for favor, then get aggravated that we were still sitting there. Is this what I had reduced God to? Please give me what I want or else I'll be mad at you? I heard myself question God again...."What is it that you want me to learn from this?"

At least for today, I have found some comfort. Maybe there is something God wants me to learn from all of this. I'm not sure about the whole picture, but I am sure that He is speaking to me about what I really believe. I don't think He is bothered by my questions or even my anger. I think He is using my own emotions to lead me back to Him.

It was even more clear to me tonight as G looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, " I don't want to go back to Daddy's this week." My heart was broken for him, but at the same time I found myself saying that we should pray about it. We should ask God to help us in this. God had brought us back around full circle. Only God can fix this. Only God. So do I believe He can and will? 

My first instinct in answer to G was to turn to God. It was there in my heart all along. Maybe buried under the hurt and uncertainty of our situation, but it was in my heart. God knew it, I just couldn't see it. I do believe.