I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately. It might all stem from G's 5th birthday. That's right, my once - upon -a -time 2 1/2 pound preemie is now 5 years old. Every year at his birthday I get sentimental about how fast he is growing up. He's started reading recently...great news, but a sure sign that he won't stay my baby forever!
A few days ago, a parent at a school where I used to teach lost her battle with cancer. She left behind two young children. She was a godly woman, upheld by so many prayer warriors. Now what happens to her kids she left on earth until they meet again in heaven?
After many, many weeks of not going to visit his dad, G might be going back next weekend. He is not wanting to go. He gets nervous just talking about it. Each night I have to convince him to even talk on the phone to his dad. He is just not interested in having this man in his life. Hurts my heart to see him this way.
Our new school has a great staff and great kids but we are not enrolling students like I thought we would be by now. It scares me. Surely God didn't bring us here just to fail. He moved too many mountains to get us here. My heart wants so badly to trust Him, but my head looks at the numbers and worries.
So what is going on? Good and bad. Happy and sad. Up and down. The roller coaster ride is starting to make me uncomfortable. I heard someone say that you shouldn't ask God for easy days...those aren't promised to us. But instead ask for strength for the battle. He will deliver that.
So God, I'm asking for strength, for endurance, for wisdom. I'm asking for clear direction, honesty and truth in my life. I'm asking for protection, supplication and love. You are the only one who can steady my emotions and this ride I'm on.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
My King
We had every reason not to go to church this morning. We'd been up late two nights in a row, we had a jam packed day yesterday, we didn't have our "church clothes" ready....we were flat out tired. But last night as I went to sleep, I felt God nudging me. This morning when I woke up, I knew we just had to go.
When we got to church and settled in the pew, I pulled out a prayer request card and began writing the same request I've had for the last 4 years. Separation. I had it ready to go into the offering plate that was usually passed around near the beginning of the service. But God had something else in mind.
For starters, the offering wasn't taken at the beginning of the service, but at then end. Then, the praise team only sang one song before Pastor Mark began his sermon. God grabbed me at the first words out of Pastor Mark's mouth and didn't let me go .
Today's sermon was called "A View to a Parade". It was based on John 12:12-27. There are several points Pastor Mark made today but the one that hit home with me was the one he shared from personal experience. His brother was killed by a driver under the influence in a car crash a number of years ago. Pastor Mark said he didn't understand why it happened. He didn't know God's reasoning for it.
"Most of the time I don't understand what the dude is doing!," he said about God. But he pointed out that his life is not based on understanding. It is based on God's Kingship in his life. He said that his King has always shown up with what he needed to get him through.
God spoke to me so clearly when that altar call was given. I have prayed for division. I have begged for separation. I still believe that it is the right thing for my son and our family. My heart longs for the day when my son will be free of this huge burden. But it is not ultimately my decision. I'm with Mark...most of the time I don't understand what God is doing. But I don't have to. I just have to trust Him. I have to allow Him to rule and reign in all the areas in my life.
So G and I went to the altar to pray. We took that prayer request I had written down with us. There was a woman there named Jo who met with us to pray. I'm not sure I adequately conveyed to her why I was there, but I know that I was obedient to the Lord. I tore up that request. I laid it at the feet of Jesus and asked Him to take it. I asked Him to reign over it and the rest of my life.
I know my King will show up with what I need to get me (and G) through this.
Pastor Mark said that the first time Jesus came, He came on a donkey. This symbolizes a beast of burden. God came that way so we could identify with Him. The next time He will come on a white horse of victory. I am looking toward that day when all burdens will be over. Until then, I will put my troubles on that donkey and send them off with my King....and I will wait to see that beautiful white horse coming back for my family with Jesus at the reins!
When we got to church and settled in the pew, I pulled out a prayer request card and began writing the same request I've had for the last 4 years. Separation. I had it ready to go into the offering plate that was usually passed around near the beginning of the service. But God had something else in mind.
For starters, the offering wasn't taken at the beginning of the service, but at then end. Then, the praise team only sang one song before Pastor Mark began his sermon. God grabbed me at the first words out of Pastor Mark's mouth and didn't let me go .
Today's sermon was called "A View to a Parade". It was based on John 12:12-27. There are several points Pastor Mark made today but the one that hit home with me was the one he shared from personal experience. His brother was killed by a driver under the influence in a car crash a number of years ago. Pastor Mark said he didn't understand why it happened. He didn't know God's reasoning for it.
"Most of the time I don't understand what the dude is doing!," he said about God. But he pointed out that his life is not based on understanding. It is based on God's Kingship in his life. He said that his King has always shown up with what he needed to get him through.
God spoke to me so clearly when that altar call was given. I have prayed for division. I have begged for separation. I still believe that it is the right thing for my son and our family. My heart longs for the day when my son will be free of this huge burden. But it is not ultimately my decision. I'm with Mark...most of the time I don't understand what God is doing. But I don't have to. I just have to trust Him. I have to allow Him to rule and reign in all the areas in my life.
So G and I went to the altar to pray. We took that prayer request I had written down with us. There was a woman there named Jo who met with us to pray. I'm not sure I adequately conveyed to her why I was there, but I know that I was obedient to the Lord. I tore up that request. I laid it at the feet of Jesus and asked Him to take it. I asked Him to reign over it and the rest of my life.
I know my King will show up with what I need to get me (and G) through this.
Pastor Mark said that the first time Jesus came, He came on a donkey. This symbolizes a beast of burden. God came that way so we could identify with Him. The next time He will come on a white horse of victory. I am looking toward that day when all burdens will be over. Until then, I will put my troubles on that donkey and send them off with my King....and I will wait to see that beautiful white horse coming back for my family with Jesus at the reins!
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