Overwhelmed

It's not new news to anyone who reads this blog that I am often overwhelmed by situations in my life. I'm faced with many decisions daily regarding the care of my son, how to act or react to my ex husband, balancing a teaching career and just getting the laundry done!

Today's church sermon was on this very topic, or rather the ways Jesus was also overwhelmed while He was here on earth. Thank you Pastors Mark and Justin for opening my eyes. The whole sermon was fantastic but here are a few points that stuck with me the most....

1. Jesus was let down by others. He asked His disciples to stay awake but they fell asleep. Not once, but three times. Instead of getting angry or giving up, He just kept going. We have the option, just as Jesus did, to withdraw or shut down...to turn in to a victim. We have the choice to become angry...to turn into the villain. Or we can choose, as Jesus did, to become the victor. We can allow God to use our circumstance for His glory.

2. We have all heard people make remarks about church folk being hypocrites. Instead of arguing, we should agree. We are all hypocrites, whether we actually mean to be or not. We have all promised something we couldn't deliver or let someone down when they were counting on us. That's why we all need a savior.

3. God is more than just a "fix it God." God orchestrated new exodus through our sufferings, and we too may have have the courage to fall to our knees and pray "Father, thy will be done."

Today, I am asking God for the courage to pray for His will. I am honestly scared. I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to face any more pain, or have my son knee deep in it. I want the easy road. But it helps to know that Jesus wanted the easy road too. He asked God to spare Him, if there was any other way. But He also believed in the Father so much, He did what was asked of Him...even unto death. That I would have that faith and courage, my Father. Help me come to the place where I can honestly pray for Your will to be done in my life.

I'm not sure either

When I write, I usually write what God has laid on my heart. There is usually some lesson I've learned or example God has shown me that I don't want to forget, so I try to log it here. Tonight I'm laying here in bed, laptop open, beside my sleeping little guy, just thinking over the past few weeks events.

For G, school life is getting harder but hopefully better. I've enlisted the help of an ABA therapist for three mornings per week. He has been unable to stop himself from grabbing other children, their work or their belongings. He might seem mad or giggle as if it is the funniest thing on earth. His teachers and I were at the end of our bag of tricks, so we solicited some outside help.

The therapists themselves are fantastic. He has one lady come on Monday and Wednesday and then another to come on Tuesday. Then his OT visits him on Friday and his speech therapist comes on Thursday. Jam packed schedule huh? The problem lies in that we aren't completely cohesive on the plan of attack. They are all looking to me, but really..if I had the answers, would I have called them in the first place? I know I am here as his advocate, his only advocate. But if I make the wrong choice am I screwing him up? It's lots of pressure, let me tell you.

I love this boy with all of my heart. He is changing and growing every day and it is always something new and different. One day he is the sweetest, most loving child ever...then the next day his evil twin appears and he isn't happy for a moment! Are all children this way or is this one of the underlying issues with autism? For every one thing I've learned about autism, there are a hundred other things I've yet to figure out.

So if you are reading this and trying to figure out what this post is about....well I'm not sure either. I'm at a place where I'm looking forward to Spring Break, time off, slowing down while at the same time I'm regretting that time is passing so quickly. Sometimes G wakes in the morning looking like he has grown overnight. This motherhood thing is full of decisions, potholes, mountain tops and whirlwinds. But boy is it awesome! I can't imagine my life without this precious guy in it.

One thing I will ask of you....if my name or face (or that of G) comes before you, will you pray for us? Guidance, wisdom, deliverance...we need it all.

I'm tired

I'm tired. This has been a very busy season in my life. I've prepared parent/teacher conference notes. I've tagged many, many items for a local consignment sale. I've readied my classroom for International Night while at the same time getting my son ready for his class version.

We left school yesterday for a brief break (it was too far to drive home and back) . He chose dinner at Waffle House. Odd, but surprisingly fantastic since we were the only diners there. It was quiet. We had time to talk and relax, just the two of us before we headed back to the chaos of school. He was precious, excited to be singing his song (for the record, his class studied Antarctica and his teacher re-wrote the lyrics to 'Ice Ice Baby'....how cute!!!) He was looking forward to showing his projects off to me, Nana and Papa.

We finished dinner and headed back to school where he dressed, I dressed (my class was studying Swaziland) and we put the finishing touches on my room. He was the perfect gentleman, helping and following directions beautifully. Nana and Papa arrived and he escorted them to his classroom to get a seat. The students and parents from all the classes arrived and were soon milling around, putting on outfits and generally anxious to start.

My son's class was the first presentation of the evening. I made an announcement to my class as to where to find all they needed, the layout of the evening and that I was stepping over to see G's performance and would be back soon. I kept a careful eye on the clock, grabbed my video camera and walked across the hall to the sound of clapping..........I had missed it. The whole thing. My baby's first ever performance in his school career and I didn't see a single second of it.

It took all I had not to break down in tears. Turns out, the clock in my classroom was slow, the teacher started right on time, and the song was pretty short. I missed it all.

Can I even begin to describe how disappointed I am? We got a few still pictures but nothing to truly capture the movements and voices of G and his friends during the song.

My family came over to my class later on to watch us take our turn. I looked into the audience and saw G's concentration as he watched the students sing and dance. After it was over, he ran to give me a hug and told me he loved me. He went home with Nana and Papa while I stayed to clean up.

I'm not sure that G even realized that I missed his show. With all of the people there, I'm not sure he could even see his grandparents in the audience. But I knew it. It hurts my heart. I missed it. I missed it.