One Proud Mama

Today was our second trip to the dentist. The first was back in the summer. It was very scary for G. Although we had "played dentist" a lot, the experience was pretty hard on him. He only had a general cleaning but he screamed his way through it.

This time was different...he still cried a little but made it through holding my hand and talking to both the hygienist and dentist. He even asked the hygienist for a mask to play with at home (on his own..without prompting from me!)

But for me, the best part of the visit was actually spent in the waiting room. This room is totally geared for the kids with a hug ship to climb on, video games to play and several movies to watch. The room is loud, crowded and overwhelming to me....and to most autistic kids. Today, G took it all in stride. He wasted no time in playing on the ship, climbing up and down the stairs.

At one point, a girl about a year younger than G played near him. She was an adorable girl with ponytails, blue ribbons and cheeks you want to pinch. G wanted to get his hands on her so badly! I saw him rush up to her, get really close to her face and then clench his fists by his sides. Truthfully, it scared her a bit but I knew he was really trying hard to control himself. (Normally he wouldn't have been able to resist such a cutie and would either have grabbed her for a hug or squeezed her too hard.) She didn't hang around much to see what was going to happen but I was so proud of him.

Next came in a guy a bit closer to his age. They actually began playing together. Together. No parallel play, not chasing another child around, but playing together! G asked the boy his name and carried on a short conversation with him. My heart was thrilled to watch.

The woman sitting next to me watching the interaction (her child was a teen and not involved in the play with my son) commented on how cute he was. I thanked her and she went on to joke that she would be glad to babysit him anytime, he had been so polite and kind to the other boy. Tears came to my eyes when I thanked her again and explained to her that he is autistic and it had been a long road to get here. She looked so surprised and shook her head. She said she would never have known, she just thought he was well mannered and sweet. She also told me to keep doing what I've been doing because he is incredible.

Of course, I had to agree. I think he's pretty incredible too.

Thank you God, for sending someone my way to encourage me when I didn't even realize I needed it! Thank you for opening my eyes to the progress G has made. Thank you Lord for using the ordinary to point out the extraordinary to me. Please bless the woman in the waiting room for sharing her thoughts with me.

Deliverance

I have tons of thoughts rambling through my mind today. Good ones, bad ones, in between ones. My heart is burdened and heavy but at the same time I am hopeful and anxious for a miracle. I think I am full of just about every possible emotion a person can have.

I'm hurt, scared, saddened, mad, terrified, angry, nervous, jittery....at one situation and one person who continues to burden my existence. Burden is too light of a word. This person has ruined my self esteem, confused my son, come up with new vulgar terms for me, scared me into shaking, infuriated me into high blood pressure and occupies most of my waking thoughts. This person has even managed to move into my dreams at night. This person has made it nearly impossible to live an ordinary life of peace. Even a trip in the neighborhood has to be thought out thoroughly before acting on it.

So what do I do? All I can do is reach out to others to pray for us. Pray for our peace. Pray for our hearts to calm. Pray for our confusion to clear. Pray for the hurt to go away. Pray for the shaking to stop. Pray for the terror to end.

I remember hearing that Jesus felt every human emotion we experience. I know he was persecuted, tormented and despised. I know He knows what I am feeling. I also know He is the one who can end this, who can return our lives to normal, who can give my son a chance to grow up facing everyday challenges- not heart stopping fear that no child should have to face. I know that I will continue to bombard Him with pleas for help. I know He does not intend for His children to suffer. I know these things.

Yet my heart continues to be heavy. My mind stays full of the possibilities...for both the best and worst outcomes. My smile fades and tears fill my eyes.

I don't understand this situation. I don't know why my God - who can do all, be all, accomplish all- isn't moving in here. I don't know why He is allowing this abuse to continue. I don't understand. I don't understand. Sometimes I think if He would just give me a glimpse to the end result, it might be easier to bear in the meantime. Maybe.

Then I feel guilty because I am questioning the Almighty. It is His plan. It is not mine. I would not choose this path. I have about a million ways to fix this if He would listen to me...not that He needs my help at all.

So I will do what I know to do..pray, pray, pray, PRAY. I'll keep begging God. I'll be like the woman in the Bible who kept hounding the judge to help her. I'll keep doing it, day and night until this is over.

Would you help me too? One simple word is our mantra...Deliverance. Deliverance. Deliverance.