II Corinthians

I'm having a rough time today. I woke up this morning to my baby telling me some of the things he did at his visit to his dad's house last weekend. One of which included a ride on the motorcycle to the gas station. He held on to the "clock" while they rode. My guy is barely three years old, has a fear of loud noises and doesn't always do well with following directions. So picturing him riding in front of my ex-husband, holding onto the gauges, no seat belt obviously, and no way to hold onto him and steer at the same time, probably no helmet....my blood ran cold.

First I cried, then I got mad, then I cried some more. Who does this man think he is that he can take such chances with my baby??? My baby that has struggled more than his fair share already....to put him in unnecessary danger, I don't even understand it. To know that he has fears of loud noises, but choosing to make him ride on a very loud motorcycle. Why? My guy already scared to visit each time, why push him more and more? The only reason I can even come up with is that my ex is incredibly selfish. Will he ever realize that his son's needs should come before his own wants?

This is only one of the things that are bothering me. I've had to turn him over to Child Support Enforcement. He's a violent man. I had to choose between never getting what he owes us or turning him in and hoping he doesn't snap. I've let the money go as long as I can, but with no job offers on the horizon, I finally took action. I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for his retaliation.

I'm trying to pray about all of this. I'm trying. I just can't even find the words to pray sometimes. I pray 'age appropriate' prayers with G because my personal prayers are more than he could handle. But last night, he prayed "God keep us safe" without any prompting from me. Amazing.

Today my devotional was entitled "Keep Fighting". It focused on II Corinthians 4..."We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken."

Later in the passage it reads, "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

Please pray for us as we face this hurdle. Help us pray for a miracle. Petition God on our behalf. Pray that I can look for the celebration ahead that this passage speaks of. I'm tired of feeling like we are barely holding our heads above water. I am ready for us to be safe on a boat! Pray that God will keep us safe, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

My Birthday

My birthday is coming up in a few days. My age? This year is the big 37! Wasn't it just yesterday that I was twenty-something?

I meet other women who are my age and they seem to know so much more than me. They seem to have it together. They are grown ups. Am I?

I've taught school for over fifteen years. I've conferenced with numerous parents and given out my 'two cents' based on their children's school performance. Don't want to toot my own horn, but I love my job and think I'm pretty good at it.

Then my darling G was born in 2007. I found myself at square one again. Everything was new, I had to learn how to take care of an infant in the day to day world. I balanced a job and motherhood in the middle of a divorce. (CRASH COURSE!!)

I think I've regained my footing a bit. I'm striving to be a good mom, balanced with furthering my education and on the job search again. I think I'm doing ok. I have felt a bit out of sorts as an older mom. G wasn't born until I was almost 34 and he is my only child. In this day and age, many moms began having children much earlier than me. So I find myself in an odd place. Friends my age generally have older children, G's friends generally have younger moms.

Since G was born, I find myself asking for advice on how to raise him, rather than offering advice as I did as a teacher. But last week, G's therapist (who has an almost two year old daughter) asked my advice on potty training. It's amazing how one question can make the planets in my world line up just right!

I don't want to sound like I know all the answers....far, far from it. But it was nice to be asked for help again. It was nice to be needed. It was nice to be able to pass on some things that helped me when I was in the same situation. Weird how the little things can make you feel whole.

I am extremely grateful for all the help I have received. Thank you to all of you...my mom, my friends, G's therapists....who have been so kind to listen as I mull over child raising; hoping and praying I'm doing it right! And I thank God for lining up all of you at just the right place and time in my life.

This year, as my birthday approaches, I'll blow out the candles with a wish for more. More of this fantastic life!

Cancer

I was reading a blog I follow tonight. A link in the upper right hand corner led me to a Caring Bridge site of a family I've never met. Theirs was the story of their five year old daughter's battle with brain cancer.

A dear friend of mine went through months and months of chemo during his cancer treatment.

Another friend is now battling breast cancer.

My uncle lost his battle with lung cancer this month.

We have had our share of battles, our days when G was very sick. But we have not dealt with cancer in our immediate family. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I don't think I can say it enough.

I am holding fast to Psalm 91 that says "Fear nothing....not disease that prowls through darkness.....no harm will even graze you." I am holding fast that this psalm represents reality for our family.

I also pray for those who have been hit so hard with this wicked disease. I pray "Make up for the bad times with some good times; we've seen enough evil to last a lifetime". (Psalm 90, MSG)
Lift them up O Lord. Heal them my Father. Touch them this very minute. And continue to spare us.

A few funnies

G has said some cute things lately and I wanted to be sure to write them down before I forgot!

G has a small scrape on his ankle. It isn't healing too well so a few nights ago, he slept all night with the band-aid on. During breakfast, Nana was asking about it...does it hurt?...did we put medicine on it?....and lastly, where is the boo-boo? G's answer was "under the band-aid". ( If I remember correctly, Nana' s return to that answer was first laughter and then under her breath she mumbled that if he has that kind of smarty-pants answer in a few years............)

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My dad is very, very Southern. Lots of his wording has a definite drawl to it. G and Pop were talking and Pop mentioned "over yonder". G thought very seriously about the term. Then he got up, went over to the other side of the room and pointed, "Is that over yonder?"

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I wish I had a tape recorder most of the time so I could capture the things G says. Most of the time he isn't trying to solicit a laugh. He is just being himself. That is probably what makes it special. That's just my sweetheart.

Lately, he has taken to praying on his own before bedtime. He has some general prayers, and ones he's heard me pray often so he repeats them. A few nights ago, he sounded a bit like a preacher as he emphasized "Dear God" and "O Lord" in his words. Coming from a guy who usually just starts with "Dear Jesus" and ends with "AMEN", this was cute and touching at the same time. I might just have to break out the tape recorder!

Avid reader

I'm an avid reader. I read all kinds of things from fiction to auto-biographies. I choose not to spend much money on books because I go through them so quickly. I like to fold down the pages instead of using a bookmark. I like to underline a passage that speaks to me. Lately I've taken to the local thrift stores to find my reads.

I don't spend a lot of time choosing books. I generally read the book jacket and if it sounds interesting, I buy it. At about a buck each, I can afford to reject a book once I get it home if it's not a good fit for me.

I prefer books that don't use foul language, aren't full of blood and guts, or contain graphic sex. But the truth is, you can't always tell right away if the book is going to be what you thought it was. I've been a few chapters into a book only to realize it was falling below my standards. Those books are donated, sold or recycled without me finishing them.

On my last trip to the thrift store, I was tired at the end of a day of errands and I ran in quickly just to pick up a couple of books to read in the coming days. I spent even less time than usual leafing through pages. I picked up 4 books, and left for home.

Amazingly, the first two books are written from a Christian perspective. (I haven't opened the last two yet).The first is about a singles church retreat, and the second begins with thanking God for salvation. What are the chances that out of all the books for sale, I ended up with the ones that were appropriate for me to read?

I didn't pray for certain books that day. I didn't ask God to lead me to a particular area of the store. God did it anyway. Without me even being aware, God chose for me a way to relax and unwind without compromising my values. I am thankful to my God who loves me enough to help me in ways I don't think to ask for.

Dear God, please continue to guide my life. "Direct my steps by your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me". (Psalm 119:133) Thank you for loving me so much!

Swimming

For the last five days, my son has taken swimming lessons. For the last three, I've been in the pool with him. Probably normal to some. For me, I had to tackle my fear of the water.

I know he has a fear of water, hates getting his head wet, can't even enjoy the bathtub most of the time. But I also know what it is like to grow up in a world where your friends invite you to go swimming, but you can't. When your buddies want to go out on the lake in the boat, and you are petrified. Where the thought of driving over that bridge brings on images of drowning. Can you tell I don't like the water much either?

This summer, I thought G should at least try to get in the pool. I decided on private lessons where the instructor could focus on him and help him through it. Day one was all tears. Was Mom leaving? Do I have to get my face wet? Are you going to let me go?

Day two was a bit better but I ended up sitting on the edge of the pool, closer to the action, giving encouragement while staying dry. At the end of the second session the instructor gently mentioned that I was invited in as well if it made G more comfortable. All I could say to her was that I was afraid I'd pass my fears on to him.

But day three arrived and I was in my swimsuit also. G and I went in about twenty minutes before the start of the lesson to get acclimated to the water. He was shaking, teeth chattering and I was putting my brave face on as we tried to blow bubbles like Ms. Sam had shown us.

On day four, we were both so busy, neither one of us had time to be scared. Ms. Sam had G floating, kicking, climbing...all the while showing me how to support him so we can practice on our own. I was in the deeper end of the pool before I knew it. Granted, it was only 4 1/2 feet deep, but for someone who is only 5'4 and scared of the water, this was HUGE.

On day five, Nana and Papa came to take some pictures. My little ham was all smiles. This guy even went under the water a few times. He was fantastic! He left the pool saying " I love swimming lessons".

The money ran out or else we would be continuing on with further lessons with Ms. Sam. (As a side note, this lady was outstanding. She was just assigned to us but it couldn't have been a better match. She acknowledged G's fears and encouraged him in a way I have not seen anyone else do. Thank you so much Ms. Sam. You are a God-send!) We don't live in a subdivision and don't have regular access to a pool but you can bet we will be scoping one out to keep up with what we've learned.

It was amazing to me how quickly G learned to face his fears. I wish I could be more like him. I've taken lessons several times in my life, even as an adult, but this is one thing I can't seem to get past. It's ok though. We were sure to pray each night about swimming and each day on the way to the pool. We prayed for peace and for all fear to be taken away. I hope G learned two important lessons...how to swim and that God does answer our prayers.

As I reflect on this past week, I also thank God for showing me G's strength. I feel privileged to know such an awesome man-in-the-making. It's amazing to admire your child.

Dentist search

This week we have been on the search for a dentist for my son. I've put it off for awhile, but it is definitely time for him to have his teeth cleaned. My son's only insurance is Medicaid. It is fantastic insurance, we don't pay for anything out of pocket most of the time, but it is sometimes hard to find doctors who accept it.

A friend recommended a particular dentist in town so I tried there first. They didn't accept Medicaid. I tried another office who informed me that they didn't see children until age 4 (contrary to what everyone else has said). As a last ditch effort, I called one of the dentists listed on a local billboard. Not the way I want to pick a health care provider, but I was getting desperate.

When I called with my list of questions...do you accept new patients?...do you accept Medicaid?...is my son age appropriate for a visit?....I spoke to THE nicest woman on the face of the earth. She spoke to me like I was the one and only client she had, and had all the time in the world to talk. She asked me questions in return and I even learned she has two nephews with Autism and she understood clearly some of my concerns.

It turns out that this office has multi-patient rooms for those who need to be around other kids as well as single-patient rooms for those who get stressed out in groups. She made the appointment for me and even asked if my son was the type who was bothered by waiting if the staff were a bit behind. In that event, she would suggest a different time of day. I hadn't even thought of that! We are so used to waiting, it never occurred to me that someone would go to the trouble to be sure we had a time which was most comfortable for us. I could go on and on about this particular woman...what a gem! I only wished I had asked her name.

My son gets nervous at any new thing, so being able to go online, see pictures of the exam rooms, pictures of the doctors and even a picture of a doctor examining a child's teeth...it all helps. And I can credit it all to this wonderful receptionist who took the time to guide us along.

It still amazes me that God can use a frustrating situation, like finding a dentist, to lead us down the right path. He had this place in mind for us all along. We pass the billboard for this dentist almost every day. He was pointing me in the right direction the whole time. But boy, was I slow to see it!!!

Thank you God for sending people down our path that understand us. Thank you for closing doors when we go the wrong way...and opening the door wide so we are sure to enter the one you have chosen for us. And Lord, please bless those who take the time to be extra kind. We are so grateful.