Questions

This morning's sermon in church was so incredible, I had to come home a write it down so I didn't forget any points. I mean, it's one of those sermons that felt like God Himself had orchestrated just for me. So let me get right to it....

The text today came from Psalm 13.
     How long will you forget me, Lord? Forever? How long will you hide from me?
     How long must I worry and feel sad in my heart all day? How long will my enemy win over me?
     Lord, look at me. Answer me, my God; tell me or I will die.
     Otherwise my enemy will say, "I have won!"   Those against me will rejoice that I've been defeated.
     I trust in your love. My heart is happy because you have saved me.
     I sing to the Lord because he has taken care of me.

This is a psalm of lament. You know, sadness, grief and the like. My bible says that David wrote this one. He is clearly in pain. He's questioning God...where are you? How long are you going to let this go on? How long are you going to let the bad guys win?

Y'all this is the point where it gets real for me. Growing up, I went to a church that taught that you didn't question God. He is the almighty and we are to just obey. While I still believe that we are to obey, I have always struggled with the questioning part. I am FILLED with more questions than answers...about everything. I always thought that God wouldn't have created my mind in the way He did if He hadn't intended for me to question things. But then I would feel guilty and revert back to my upbringing. Don't question..just follow.

But this psalm (with the help of my pastor) brought things into a different light. We can question God and wonder and hurt and cry, if we just remember to ask His help over these things. Our pastor pointed out that there are four main points to this type of prayer.

   1. "Dear God"- I don't have to butter up God to get His attention. I don't have to lavish praises on Him just to get Him to hear me. All I have to do is speak His name. He hears my words but also knows my heart. Just calling on Him is enough to have His ear.
  2. "We are in pain"- It's ok to have the questions, to pour out our concerns, to ask God why these bad things are happening in our world. We are hurting here and it's fine for us to tell it all to God. He knows it anyway. His heart is moved by what is in our hearts.
  3. "Help!" - So we've told God all of the things we are struggling with. We've laid out our hearts before the King and we just ask for His help. Acknowledging that He is the only one who can do anything about it....well, that's what it's all about.
   4. "We trust you"--Taking the hurts in one hand and His hope in the other and laying them at the feet of Jesus....saying to God that we believe He is in charge and will help us.

Our pastor made another point that stands out with me so clearly. He said praying in this way is a form of worship. Worship. Isn't that amazing? Getting heart to heart with God is worship. Pouring out your very soul to him is worship. Asking for His help is worship. Trusting Him is worship.

 While singing praises and proclaiming God's greatness is also worship, having that deep, heartfelt connection with the King of Kings is the ultimate worship. Because we all know that there are times when our praise is just lip service. We say it because we "should" or because it's what we have been taught or because it's that part of the church service. But our desperate hearts crying out to God, believing Him and trusting Him to help us is always truth. There's no greater worship than honesty between you and your King.

Who knows where these cries lead? We know God is moved by our hearts. Maybe this cry, this outpouring, this pleading of genuine dependence is what will move God.  To quote our pastor, "The cries initiate history."

Father, today I thank you for sending this word to me. In this one sermon, you have answered so many questions for me. You gave me answers about myself but also about you. Please help me to remember this as I move forward in my walk with you.

Today, as I am struggling with so many things, I thank you for listening. I thank you for hearing my heart and feeling my pain. Please help me in this battle. Even more, please help me in turning this battle over to you, for it is your fight anyway.  In my hands are both the problem and your hope. I trust you with them and lay them at your feet. Please help me this very day. I love you my sweet Lord.

Testimony

I had a sweet friend text me tonight. She had read my blog a few days back and offered me some advice. She was worried about me and the anger I had expressed. (Thanks TP for thinking of me and stepping out to say so!!)

I have to be honest in saying that it got me to thinking. I do put this blog out there for all to see, even though most times I don't expect anyone to read it. Sometimes I write things for G to see later on in life. Sometimes I write things down so I don't forget. Most of the time I use this site to vent and to let out my emotions.

I definitely don't want to censor my thoughts and feelings. I need the outlet. But tonight my thoughts turned to my testimony. Some of the posts on this site are harsh. I know it. There are words that I could only say in the anonymity of the internet. But I don't want to ruin my testimony because I chose to say something crass.

So let me be clear...I'm struggling here just like everyone else. I have good days and bad. I've been through LOTS of things in my life. Part of my testimony is ugly. Most of my testimony is ugly. But I know that God is with me in this.

I get mad at Him. I yell and scream and question what is going on. I demand answers from Him like a spoiled toddler. I cry and beg and plead my case. I apologize and cry some more.  When it comes right down to it though, I ask Him for wisdom. I ask Him to lead me. I ask Him to protect us and love us. I just ask for Him to be with us always. That's how I make it through. Because I know amid all the fits and rage and hurt and pain, He is with us. He supplies me with what I need to get through the tough times and come out on the other side where I can see His hand.

Not many people know this about me, but I believe God gave me a vision of my life. He gave me a vision in which I am speaking to large groups of women about what I've been through. It's funny because if you know me, you know it petrifies me to stand up in front of a group to talk. So this is not something I would choose for myself.  Every now and then, I'm reminded of that vision and realize that God keeps adding to my story. I'm meant to tell it someday.

So friends, if you do read this blog, please take heart. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. I know I am all over the place when I write...sometimes I'm so filled with the Spirit I can hardly contain myself. Other times I'm so hurt and angered that I don't see God anywhere on the horizon.  But God is using it all for His glory. I can never figure out how He does it, but He does.

Tonight my prayer, as always is for protection and peace. And for my story to help someone...one day I will be there to tell it all.

Homesick

Today has been a great day! It is our first day out of school for the Christmas holiday and the plan was to head to the mall to see Santa. It's pouring rain but when we got to the mall, I got a close up parking spot right in front. Then in the area to see Santa, there was no line. That's right, five days before Christmas and there is no line. Sweet! Off to lunch at a favorite restaurant where once again there is no line, no wait for a table. We even had time for a long afternoon nap.

Even though I couldn't have asked for a better day, something was nagging at me all day. Sort of a heavy feeling hanging over me. Now there are real problems we are dealing with...things between G and his dad aren't great, a friend's mom is battling cancer, business isn't as good as we need it to be, several days ago was the shooting at a school in Connecticut that is still in the back of my mind. But what I was feeling today, wasn't based on any of those things. That just wasn't "it".

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...I'm homesick. I'm homesick for a place I've been promised but never been to. I'm homesick for the end to tears and sickness and ready for some real peace. I'm homesick for days spent in joy, not worry or heartache. I'm homesick for heaven.

I can't wait to spend my days praising God. Just strolling through the streets of gold, holding my baby boy's hand, taking in the splendor of Heaven. I just can't wait! 

I am homesick, dear Lord. Come quickly!

With a disclaimer...

If you readers are sensitive, please stop reading now. It's been a tough week and I need to vent. Remember, I warned you.

Letter to "him",
I don't need to address this. You know who you are. You are a cruel, horrible man. You would rather get your way than do what's best for your son. You know what's happening to him. You hear him cry. You hear the hurt in his voice. But you only want your way. You would rather put him in the middle and make him miserable because you know how much I love him. You fight for him because you know it hurts me.

All I can say is that you must be evil. I used to think there is good in everyone. But not you. You are evil to the core. You've proven over and over again the damage you can do. You have abused us (and other people) physically and mentally. Yet for some reason, you always come out on top.

You wonder why your son doesn't want to be around you, yet he has seen you hit women. He's seen you attack them. He's heard your anger. HE HAS WITNESSED IT AND HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU AT ALL...and you can't stand that. You can't stand that he can talk and tell us what you do. And make no mistake, he tells everyone what you do. He even has conversations on the playground about what you do to people.

So you sit back now on your high horse and continue to believe that you will always come out on top. You fool yourself into thinking that it is always someone else's fault. You go take your drugs and wash it down with your alcohol until you convince yourself that you are the victim here.

But I've got news for you. You've sold your soul to the devil and he will take you to the depths of hell where you belong. You don't deserve to be walking around, making everyone afraid. You don't deserve the love of a family, especially this wonderful, sweet boy. You are a disgusting, worthless human being. I'm not sure you even deserve to be called a human being.

I pray every day that God would strike you down..that he would make you suffer as much as you've made us suffer. I want you to feel the pain you've caused your son.  I want you to see the disgust and contempt that people feel for you. Even more, I want you to realize what you've lost. I want you to hurt to the depths of your heart the way those who loved you have hurt. I want you praying to be saved from the horror you feel...then maybe you'll know what it's like. But then I wish for you the most horrible, painful death anyone can image. And I want you to be tortured in hell for all eternity. You don't deserve anything less.

In His Power

Yesterday I had a very informative meeting. I won't bore you with the details, but the lady I met with helped me more in one hour than others have helped me with in weeks. She answered questions for me and helped me understand situations I was unsure of. She gave me hard truths but advise that gave me a lot to think about.

While that sounds like good news, and in many ways it is, the ultimate information is a very hard pill to swallow. It wasn't what I had hoped to hear. I expected some closure, some ultimate change to happen as a result. That wasn't how I left the meeting. I left with a long 'to do' list. I left with much to ponder. I left laughing. I found myself pulling out of the parking lot actually laughing. God had done it again.

God had turned my situation into one that only He can fix. Only He can rectify this. Only God. He does this to me often and you'd think I would be used to it by now. He lets me try to fix things, because I continue to think I can, until I finally realize that it is only His power that will change things.

God lets me spin my wheels. He lets me work and search and try my hardest. I don't think He does it to be mean. He does it to prove to me that in my power, I can't do it. He allows it so I can lean on Him..so I can lean into Him.

While the situation my family is in is definitely not easy, I am grateful for the way God has used it. I literally felt the weight lift off my shoulders when I realized that it was God's battle, not mine. I can't do it, but He can!

He alredy knew

I've been struggling lately with my faith. I have argued with God, tried to pray and ultimately begged Him to show me why. Why did this happen to us? Why would He put an innocent child through this? Why can't we just have peace?

I know my heart has hardened a bit. My prayer life has suffered. I can feel this wall building between myself and God and I'm just not sure what to do about it. My prayers go back and forth..."God we love you...Lord we praise you....Please help us....Why are you allowing this....Why don't you stop this...I am so mad that you aren't doing something....Please help me understand...Please soften my heart....Protect us."

I'm torn. On one hand I am so angry at God that I want to turn my back and never speak to Him again. On the other hand, I am begging Him to protect us because He is the only one who can. I've told Him all of this by the way. I have a feeling He already knew.

But it is amazing the ways He chooses to speak to us...well to me anyway. G was watching a movie the other night in which they were talking about believing in Santa Claus. The character explains that having faith is believing even when you can't see it for yourself. I know the movie was talking about Santa...but God was speaking to my heart about my faith. Or lack thereof.

I'm chewing on this a bit when today we end up at Urgent Care. G's regular pediatrician was full and couldn't take him today so off we went. We waited....and waited....and waited. We waited two and a half hours before we saw the doctor. Yes, you heard me right. Two and a half hours. I can't complain about G. He was incredible. He only asked a few times when it would be our turn. 

Now me, on the other hand, was getting pretty irritated at having to wait so long. I would pray for favor, then get aggravated that we were still sitting there. Is this what I had reduced God to? Please give me what I want or else I'll be mad at you? I heard myself question God again...."What is it that you want me to learn from this?"

At least for today, I have found some comfort. Maybe there is something God wants me to learn from all of this. I'm not sure about the whole picture, but I am sure that He is speaking to me about what I really believe. I don't think He is bothered by my questions or even my anger. I think He is using my own emotions to lead me back to Him.

It was even more clear to me tonight as G looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, " I don't want to go back to Daddy's this week." My heart was broken for him, but at the same time I found myself saying that we should pray about it. We should ask God to help us in this. God had brought us back around full circle. Only God can fix this. Only God. So do I believe He can and will? 

My first instinct in answer to G was to turn to God. It was there in my heart all along. Maybe buried under the hurt and uncertainty of our situation, but it was in my heart. God knew it, I just couldn't see it. I do believe.

In Limbo

I feel like I'm in limbo today.

 To give you some background, last week was really tough. We went to court and I lost my initial case. I can't put in too many details here, but I can tell you that I have a lot of evidence....A LOT. But the judge wouldn't admit much of it. He didn't completely hear my side of the story. The other party won. And my family lost.

I was immediately heartbroken. I had felt that God told me it was my time to act. I wasn't even too nervous about the court date. I had full confidence in my God. I just knew we would win. When the opposite happened, it was like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. My confidence was shattered. I felt let down. I felt cheated. And worst of all, it affected my son gravely. I had to go home and tell him that our prayers had not been answered.

I sent my friends an email telling them what had happened. I admitted my feelings of hurt and anger toward God. I needed them to help me rally. One very wise friend told me that it was ok to be angry with God. She reminded me that He was a big guy and could handle it...plus He already knew my feelings.

Another friend urged me to be angry at the system but to draw closer to God. Honestly, I could feel my heart hardening. I couldn't feel God's hand in this situation. I felt like God took my family to the middle of nowhere and left us there.

Over a week has gone by since that day and I am in limbo. I'm still hurt. I'm unsure of where to go from here. I am afraid to trust God since I've been let down but I'm afraid not to trust Him because He is the only one who can help. It's an awful feeling.

Today, my son wanted to go to church. I had no desire to go. I'm mad at God after all. I don't want to go to His house and worship Him. My heart just isn't in it.  But we did go...and the first prayer of the day by the worship leader spoke of how God is loving us. He spoke of how God is fighting for us, even as we are fighting against ourselves. God pricked my heart with that prayer.

As we left the service and shook hands with the pastor, he told me he'd received my email and would be answering soon. Now, we attend regularly but hadn't officially been introduced. I didn't know that he knew who I was. We had exchanged emails, but I felt a certain anonymity in explaining my situation. After all, I was one of hundreds of parishioners and one who certainly didn't stand out in the crowd. But he did know me, and loved me enough to point out that he had been praying for our situation. God knew I needed to hear that today.

I'm still in limbo..still rattled. Then as I sat down to write this tonight, I looked back at my last post. It was dated exactly one month ago. At that time I was strong enough to fight the enemy and hold up a friend when she couldn't do it herself.

I guess now it's my turn. I'll let someone else hold me up for awhile until I'm strong enough to do it for myself again.