I am angry. You did it again...surpassed me in my parenting authority and went to the child instead. Asked our son if he could meet you....didn't ask me first. We talked about this before. I am the parent. You clear things with me first. Don't put our son in the middle. But you did it anyway.
Why? Do you want to hurt him? Do you care about him at all? Don't you see how confused he gets? He has to be coerced into even talking to you on the phone. He doesn't want to visit unless his cousin is there. Haven't you seen the fear in his eyes or hear it in his voice?
No, I guess you don't see it. You don't hear it. Because you don't know him at all. You use him to show off from time to time. You want people to see you as a good father who got the raw end of the deal.
But the truth is that you treated us badly. You had your chance to do right by us. But you made other choices. Now you are probably regretting that since your "others" have now left you also. Don't you understand that the problems lie within you and not the rest of us? No, you probably don't see that either. You would rather live as the victim than to take responsibility for the wrongs you've created.
Now you are sick. And you think we will feel badly for you. You think that because you are alone again that we will forget the past. Let's set the record straight...I will not feel badly for you. I will not forget the hell you have put our family through. I will not forget the fear you've instilled in me. I will not forget the tears our son has cried over you. I will not forget the terror he has endured at your hands and feet. I will always remember the monster that is inside you.
I have asked God to help me control my emotions. I have asked Him to help me forgive you. I have asked God for help in how to explain the things you do to my little boy who does not understand why he is constantly subjected to you.
I remember God is in control. I know He has promised me "beauty for ashes". I am holding on to that promise, and many others as I struggle to live day to day with this arc of emotions. I am pleading the blood of Jesus Christ over my son, that he is safe and protected...and that he will not have to deal with one more day of your insanity.
I know God will deliver us.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
To God be the Glory
Back in December I wrote about some exciting news...news that I can now share with you! In January, some friends and myself bought a school!!!
I have to lay the events out for you because the glory in this completely belongs to God. He alone gave us this gift. In November, the director at the school where I was teaching gave her resignation. Now this lady was hands down the best boss I've ever had. I'm privileged to also call her my friend. Her boss, the owner of the school, is someone who is very, very hard to work for. I will spare you the details except to say that the staff bonded even more when we found out she would take over as director.
The day our director tended her resignation, a group of us met to sort out the details. What would we do without her? We were angry at the situation and looking for some sort of direction. We basically spoke out in anger that "we should just open our own school and do it right!!"
I went home that weekend and did a google search of 'Montessori schools for sale in GA'. The first listing was of a small school in a town about 20 minutes from where I live. I went up to peek through the windows on a Sunday when the school was closed. It was beautiful. I got very, very excited!
Now anyone who has tried to buy a house or business knows that most of these things take time. I was not prepared for just how quickly God was going to answer this prayer. We began this project in earnest in December and by mid January, we had purchased the school. By February 1 I was not only a teacher at the new school, but the Head of School!
God provided us with a school that had been in operation for 30 years, had classrooms full of students, was fully staffed and equipped and was much closer to my home. On top of that, He has allowed many of my friends to partner with me and join us at this school. We are able to expand and grow the school right away. In fact, next week we will have our ribbon cutting ceremony and first open house!
God put this dream in my heart so many years ago. But I thought it was just that...a dream. I could never have imagined how He would bless me with this amazing opportunity. To know that I am building this school for not only myself and my son, but for His glory....it is almost beyond words.
I have to lay the events out for you because the glory in this completely belongs to God. He alone gave us this gift. In November, the director at the school where I was teaching gave her resignation. Now this lady was hands down the best boss I've ever had. I'm privileged to also call her my friend. Her boss, the owner of the school, is someone who is very, very hard to work for. I will spare you the details except to say that the staff bonded even more when we found out she would take over as director.
The day our director tended her resignation, a group of us met to sort out the details. What would we do without her? We were angry at the situation and looking for some sort of direction. We basically spoke out in anger that "we should just open our own school and do it right!!"
I went home that weekend and did a google search of 'Montessori schools for sale in GA'. The first listing was of a small school in a town about 20 minutes from where I live. I went up to peek through the windows on a Sunday when the school was closed. It was beautiful. I got very, very excited!
Now anyone who has tried to buy a house or business knows that most of these things take time. I was not prepared for just how quickly God was going to answer this prayer. We began this project in earnest in December and by mid January, we had purchased the school. By February 1 I was not only a teacher at the new school, but the Head of School!
God provided us with a school that had been in operation for 30 years, had classrooms full of students, was fully staffed and equipped and was much closer to my home. On top of that, He has allowed many of my friends to partner with me and join us at this school. We are able to expand and grow the school right away. In fact, next week we will have our ribbon cutting ceremony and first open house!
God put this dream in my heart so many years ago. But I thought it was just that...a dream. I could never have imagined how He would bless me with this amazing opportunity. To know that I am building this school for not only myself and my son, but for His glory....it is almost beyond words.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Back to Bethlehem
A local church in our town hosts an event called Back to Bethlehem. It is an incredible experience. They have re-created the town of Bethlehem as it would have been on the night of Christ's birth. You encounter soldiers shouting "Hail Caesar!". You pay your taxes. You wander through the marketplace which offers you samples of their wares (fruit, bread, spices, etc.) You visit the local fishmonger. You are invited into a Jewish temple service, complete with the priest showing the items he would have used for the ceremony and teaching the group a prayer song. You make your way through the town and venture through a home typical of the day. You see live animals and families cooking over an open flame. You follow the star and come to the stable where you witness Mary and Joseph holding Baby Jesus. Shepherds and Wise Men arrive to meet Him as angels light the way.
After moving through this town, you later find yourself witnessing the death of Jesus. Mary is wailing as she watches her son hang on the cross with thieves. Soldiers are mocking Him. They then guard the tomb, complaining to the crowd that it was a waste of their time. They say "He can't get out, He's dead after all. "
Next you see the bewilderment the soldiers face as they realize the tomb is empty. They accuse the crowd of stealing Jesus' body. Then you watch as the fear takes over the soldiers as they witness for themselves the resurrected Jesus standing before them. The crowd of onlookers (myself included) applauded as Jesus is bathed in light and you realize He is risen!
This event in itself is incredible. This is the second year we've attended and it captivated me as much this time as the last. The difference this year was G. To say he was captivated is an understatement.
We participated in the temple service three times, at G's insistence. He loved to hear the prayer offered there. We saw the birth of Jesus at least twice. His remarked , "How sweet!" when Mary walked by us and allowed us to see her newborn baby.
But at the death, burial and resurrection.....G was mesmerized. He asked questions through the first time we watched. (They perform each event every few minutes so the thousands of people who pass through don't have to wait long or miss any aspect of this production.) He wanted to get closer to Jesus during the second viewing. As we started to leave after the second time, G insisted he wanted to see it once again. He pressed himself to the front of the crowd so he was only a few feet away from Jesus. When Jesus arose, G started waving to him. The actor portraying Jesus saw him and after the presentation was over, he came over to shake G's hand. He asked G what his name was and then thanked him for coming out. G was in awe and couldn't say much back, but as the man walked away, G shouted out " I love you Jesus!" Jesus turned around, looked my son in the eye and said, " I love you too".
I could barely see for the tears in my eyes. For my son, he had just had a real life encounter with Jesus. He touched Him. He heard Him say that He loved him. G walked away with the biggest smile on his face and repeatedly told me, "Jesus said He loved me too!"
Others in the crowd were obviously touched by this exchange. I heard several whispers around us. The presence of God was right there in the middle of us. Only God knows how hearts were changed by one little boy who showed his love for Jesus and one man extending God's love in such a personal way.
After moving through this town, you later find yourself witnessing the death of Jesus. Mary is wailing as she watches her son hang on the cross with thieves. Soldiers are mocking Him. They then guard the tomb, complaining to the crowd that it was a waste of their time. They say "He can't get out, He's dead after all. "
Next you see the bewilderment the soldiers face as they realize the tomb is empty. They accuse the crowd of stealing Jesus' body. Then you watch as the fear takes over the soldiers as they witness for themselves the resurrected Jesus standing before them. The crowd of onlookers (myself included) applauded as Jesus is bathed in light and you realize He is risen!
This event in itself is incredible. This is the second year we've attended and it captivated me as much this time as the last. The difference this year was G. To say he was captivated is an understatement.
We participated in the temple service three times, at G's insistence. He loved to hear the prayer offered there. We saw the birth of Jesus at least twice. His remarked , "How sweet!" when Mary walked by us and allowed us to see her newborn baby.
But at the death, burial and resurrection.....G was mesmerized. He asked questions through the first time we watched. (They perform each event every few minutes so the thousands of people who pass through don't have to wait long or miss any aspect of this production.) He wanted to get closer to Jesus during the second viewing. As we started to leave after the second time, G insisted he wanted to see it once again. He pressed himself to the front of the crowd so he was only a few feet away from Jesus. When Jesus arose, G started waving to him. The actor portraying Jesus saw him and after the presentation was over, he came over to shake G's hand. He asked G what his name was and then thanked him for coming out. G was in awe and couldn't say much back, but as the man walked away, G shouted out " I love you Jesus!" Jesus turned around, looked my son in the eye and said, " I love you too".
I could barely see for the tears in my eyes. For my son, he had just had a real life encounter with Jesus. He touched Him. He heard Him say that He loved him. G walked away with the biggest smile on his face and repeatedly told me, "Jesus said He loved me too!"
Others in the crowd were obviously touched by this exchange. I heard several whispers around us. The presence of God was right there in the middle of us. Only God knows how hearts were changed by one little boy who showed his love for Jesus and one man extending God's love in such a personal way.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Is it not enough?
Things have been happening around here lately...big things. I can't disclose all of them yet, but plans are being made for our future at a very fast pace. There is something on the horizon that I've dreamed about for years but didn't think would actually happen, and now it seems like it is within my grasp.
While praying over this new development, and other things in my life, I was sent a chain letter of sorts. It was one of those things that talk about the love of Jesus and how He wants to bless us. In theory it was a great post, so I re-posted it on my Facebook status. There was nothing inappropriate about the post, in fact there was a promise for something big to happen if it was sent on. Now in my head, I know that my blessings don't depend on whether or not I forward on a message like this. But the enemy plays tricks on me sometimes and suggests that if I do forward it, then I am sure to be blessed...just like the post said. So when the blessing doesn't come as expected, I get a little upset. Didn't the post say it would come true?
God reminded me of His word. The Bible. The only true word, the only true post, the only true message. Is it not enough? Here I am looking to some silly chain letter for hope. The promises in the Bible are the ones I can rely on. Those are the ones I can build my life upon. Those truths are THE TRUTH.
Why is it that I often take other things at face value and place stock in them, when God has already given me everything I need in His word? Help me Lord to remember Your word and to rely on it always.
While praying over this new development, and other things in my life, I was sent a chain letter of sorts. It was one of those things that talk about the love of Jesus and how He wants to bless us. In theory it was a great post, so I re-posted it on my Facebook status. There was nothing inappropriate about the post, in fact there was a promise for something big to happen if it was sent on. Now in my head, I know that my blessings don't depend on whether or not I forward on a message like this. But the enemy plays tricks on me sometimes and suggests that if I do forward it, then I am sure to be blessed...just like the post said. So when the blessing doesn't come as expected, I get a little upset. Didn't the post say it would come true?
God reminded me of His word. The Bible. The only true word, the only true post, the only true message. Is it not enough? Here I am looking to some silly chain letter for hope. The promises in the Bible are the ones I can rely on. Those are the ones I can build my life upon. Those truths are THE TRUTH.
Why is it that I often take other things at face value and place stock in them, when God has already given me everything I need in His word? Help me Lord to remember Your word and to rely on it always.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
One more for today
Here's one more of the posts from ChosenFamilies.org. Love, love, love this.....
Permission to Cry
October 26, 2011 By Joan 1 Comment
I was flying home Monday, and trying to catch up on my Bible study homework before the plane landed. I can’t defend the theology of “catching up” on spiritual homework….
But somewhere at 30,000 ft. Jesus met me in my seat, as I sat between the window and a stranger.
I was reading John 11, the story of Lazarus dying, his sisters weeping, sending for Jesus, and Jesus choosing not to come…so “that you may believe.” Believe what? His disciples were missing something. I wondered in my cramped seat, what truth was I missing? (When you’re sitting in seats obviously not designed for human beings WITH knees, it’s easy to wonder what else you’re missing.)
I have loved this story for a long time, for many reasons. But certain phrases kept diverting my attention (away from my “regularly scheduled program” of questions). “Jesus…was deeply moved in spirit, and was troubled…Jesus wept…Jesus therefore again being deeply moved within…”. I was struck again by the truth that perfect communion with God His Father did not protect Jesus from being deeply moved (and we’re not talking “deeply moved with joy” here.) If you live with hidden disabilities, you’ve been “deeply moved” too. And just to be clear: not even perfect communion with God protects us from deep painful emotions.
In fact, I feel like Tevye, the father from Fiddler on the Roof. “On the one hand,” I feel many DEEP emotions as I walk out life with my loved ones who struggle with hidden disabilities. “On the other hand,” practically speaking, I often set aside my own emotions, in order to fill my role as an Emotional First Responder. Working in the ICU, there was no time to cry while doing CPR. Work first, sob later.
But the problem is I am NOT a nurse working a shift and going home. My work is now IN my home…and sometimes I set aside my emotions for too long, as if they are not as important to Jesus, simply because I am not the one in crisis…which leads to Emotional Flatlands. Jesus didn’t want me to go flat.
His own example gave me permission to feel it all – to be DEEPLY MOVED. Jesus, my High Priest, FEELS! I can’t explain it well, but that makes it “well with my soul.”
Furthermore, (I just can’t leave this part out) Martha said, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” I get this, too. I have hoped, as both sisters did, for Jesus to “arrive” on the scene of my life, in time to prevent the death of something precious to me. I have wept over dead and buried dreams. My soul has said to Him, like Martha, “If You had been here (with me), _____ (list of bad things) wouldn’t have happened. I know that much about You and Your power.”
In response, Jesus reasoned with Martha…talked with her. Sometimes He reasons with me, helping me organize my disheveled thoughts, completing my flawed theology…and I’m comforted.
BUT Mary said the exact same thing as her sister, yet Jesus did NOT try to reason with her. He wept with Mary — even though He KNEW He was going to solve her pain within minutes. Why stop and weep with her? Why waste that time – why not pick her up, run to the tomb, raise her brother, and end everyone’s tears? I’m stunned it was more important to Jesus that Mary know her pain hurt Him, than it was to rush to raise Lazarus. He did the resurrecting, to be sure, but after he did the weeping. That awes me.
And I got the message, once again. He weeps with me. He takes that kind of time. Even though a miracle is coming. Cry now, we’ll talk later.
Every mama with hidden disabilities in her home needs time for her own emotions (even though miracles are coming)….
Jesus tenderly met me at 30,000 ft. to tell me again, right there on United Airlines, my tears matter to Him. And I believe Him.
Believing,
Joan
Permission to Cry
October 26, 2011 By Joan 1 Comment
I was flying home Monday, and trying to catch up on my Bible study homework before the plane landed. I can’t defend the theology of “catching up” on spiritual homework….
But somewhere at 30,000 ft. Jesus met me in my seat, as I sat between the window and a stranger.
I was reading John 11, the story of Lazarus dying, his sisters weeping, sending for Jesus, and Jesus choosing not to come…so “that you may believe.” Believe what? His disciples were missing something. I wondered in my cramped seat, what truth was I missing? (When you’re sitting in seats obviously not designed for human beings WITH knees, it’s easy to wonder what else you’re missing.)
I have loved this story for a long time, for many reasons. But certain phrases kept diverting my attention (away from my “regularly scheduled program” of questions). “Jesus…was deeply moved in spirit, and was troubled…Jesus wept…Jesus therefore again being deeply moved within…”. I was struck again by the truth that perfect communion with God His Father did not protect Jesus from being deeply moved (and we’re not talking “deeply moved with joy” here.) If you live with hidden disabilities, you’ve been “deeply moved” too. And just to be clear: not even perfect communion with God protects us from deep painful emotions.
In fact, I feel like Tevye, the father from Fiddler on the Roof. “On the one hand,” I feel many DEEP emotions as I walk out life with my loved ones who struggle with hidden disabilities. “On the other hand,” practically speaking, I often set aside my own emotions, in order to fill my role as an Emotional First Responder. Working in the ICU, there was no time to cry while doing CPR. Work first, sob later.
But the problem is I am NOT a nurse working a shift and going home. My work is now IN my home…and sometimes I set aside my emotions for too long, as if they are not as important to Jesus, simply because I am not the one in crisis…which leads to Emotional Flatlands. Jesus didn’t want me to go flat.
His own example gave me permission to feel it all – to be DEEPLY MOVED. Jesus, my High Priest, FEELS! I can’t explain it well, but that makes it “well with my soul.”
Furthermore, (I just can’t leave this part out) Martha said, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” I get this, too. I have hoped, as both sisters did, for Jesus to “arrive” on the scene of my life, in time to prevent the death of something precious to me. I have wept over dead and buried dreams. My soul has said to Him, like Martha, “If You had been here (with me), _____ (list of bad things) wouldn’t have happened. I know that much about You and Your power.”
In response, Jesus reasoned with Martha…talked with her. Sometimes He reasons with me, helping me organize my disheveled thoughts, completing my flawed theology…and I’m comforted.
BUT Mary said the exact same thing as her sister, yet Jesus did NOT try to reason with her. He wept with Mary — even though He KNEW He was going to solve her pain within minutes. Why stop and weep with her? Why waste that time – why not pick her up, run to the tomb, raise her brother, and end everyone’s tears? I’m stunned it was more important to Jesus that Mary know her pain hurt Him, than it was to rush to raise Lazarus. He did the resurrecting, to be sure, but after he did the weeping. That awes me.
And I got the message, once again. He weeps with me. He takes that kind of time. Even though a miracle is coming. Cry now, we’ll talk later.
Every mama with hidden disabilities in her home needs time for her own emotions (even though miracles are coming)….
Jesus tenderly met me at 30,000 ft. to tell me again, right there on United Airlines, my tears matter to Him. And I believe Him.
Believing,
Joan
Chosen Families
This is from one of my favorite blogs written by various authors on "hidden disabilities". It's called ChosenFamilies.org. Check it out if you get the chance. God just keeps sending these straight to me.....
Oh No You Didn’t
October 27, 2011 By Sarah 1 Comment
The wind’s seeping and moaning through the cracks in our poorly insulated bedroom windows today as I sit at my computer, gnawing a knuckle. I’m getting myself all worked up again. I’m prone to these little mini-paroxysms, you see. By nature, I’m a pacifist, a mercy-giver and a chicken, so when the time is right to be angry, I don’t say anything. When the time is past however, I’m a veritable colossus of articulate and righteous indignation. I’m really good at getting mad AFTER the fact.
I can’t think of a single instance when my rebuttal was timely delivered, save for that one time when my staunchly left-leaning atheist of a boss – the one who preached equality and social reform – called me a “fascist” for going to a Christian college, whereupon I managed to retort, “Oh wait. Aren’t YOU the one who’s supposed to be open-minded?”
You can high five me later.
But now, I’m angry thinking of all the self-righteous comments and looks my Noah’s received. To be fair, our burden is in some ways lighter than most. As a boy with high functioning autism, Noah may seem just a little “odd.” That he flaps, or chews his clothing or talks your ear off about Super Mario Brothers. His verbal ability and his self-sufficiency often belie his disability.
From another vantage, this actually makes our burden heavier than most. Because you’d never notice his difference from a distance, you might look down your nose when, in the middle of his flag football game, he halts a play to have a complete and total meltdown in the middle of the field. Or, you might snort a little out of disgust when you’re standing behind him in the checkout line and he remarks in full voice that the woman in front of him “sure is fat!” Remember that scene from “Terms of Endearment” when Emma doesn’t have enough to pay for her groceries? Yeah. It’s EXACTLY that painful.
You know what else bugs me? “There’s nothing wrong with him.” Why? Because you can’t see a missing limb? Because he’s not in a wheelchair? My choice responses? (1) “Nothing wrong with him? That’s because we pay a lot of therapists a lot of money to make sure he doesn’t gag at dinner because there’s a candle on the table”; (2) “Nothing wrong with him? Good. Then I’ll send him to your house the next time he has a meltdown. And while you’re at it, do you mind teaching him to use a belt?” Or, my favorite, (3) “Nothing wrong with him? Well, duh! He’s perfect the way God made him!”
I know Jesus experienced anger (Matthew 21:11-13). I know He was enraged that the temple was being used to buy and sell – making a holy place nothing more than a common street bazaar. But before I silently fist pump my own angry, internal tirades, I have to remember that Christ said, “It is written…my house will be called a house of prayer.” In other words, “you should have known better, guys. You had the book!”
When I get the supercilious looks and the incredulous comments, I need to take a breath and remind myself that they can’t SEE what Noah has, and they don’t KNOW its manifestations. They are ignorant – not just in the Maury-Povich-chair-flipping- “Oh no you didn’t!” sense of the word, but they literally “know no better.” They can’t “see” his Asperger’s like I can.
That means, much as I would like to verbally eviscerate them, I need to practice the mercy I like to preach, keep my trap shut and smile. After all, God loves them just as much as He loves Noah and me.
If you’re reading this and you’ve experienced that familiar prick of rage, here’s my knowing glance from across the cyber-distance, telling you that I’ve been there, too. We just have to forgive these poor blokes for their ignorance, because they just don’t know.
Not yet.
- Sarah
Oh No You Didn’t
October 27, 2011 By Sarah 1 Comment
The wind’s seeping and moaning through the cracks in our poorly insulated bedroom windows today as I sit at my computer, gnawing a knuckle. I’m getting myself all worked up again. I’m prone to these little mini-paroxysms, you see. By nature, I’m a pacifist, a mercy-giver and a chicken, so when the time is right to be angry, I don’t say anything. When the time is past however, I’m a veritable colossus of articulate and righteous indignation. I’m really good at getting mad AFTER the fact.
I can’t think of a single instance when my rebuttal was timely delivered, save for that one time when my staunchly left-leaning atheist of a boss – the one who preached equality and social reform – called me a “fascist” for going to a Christian college, whereupon I managed to retort, “Oh wait. Aren’t YOU the one who’s supposed to be open-minded?”
You can high five me later.
But now, I’m angry thinking of all the self-righteous comments and looks my Noah’s received. To be fair, our burden is in some ways lighter than most. As a boy with high functioning autism, Noah may seem just a little “odd.” That he flaps, or chews his clothing or talks your ear off about Super Mario Brothers. His verbal ability and his self-sufficiency often belie his disability.
From another vantage, this actually makes our burden heavier than most. Because you’d never notice his difference from a distance, you might look down your nose when, in the middle of his flag football game, he halts a play to have a complete and total meltdown in the middle of the field. Or, you might snort a little out of disgust when you’re standing behind him in the checkout line and he remarks in full voice that the woman in front of him “sure is fat!” Remember that scene from “Terms of Endearment” when Emma doesn’t have enough to pay for her groceries? Yeah. It’s EXACTLY that painful.
You know what else bugs me? “There’s nothing wrong with him.” Why? Because you can’t see a missing limb? Because he’s not in a wheelchair? My choice responses? (1) “Nothing wrong with him? That’s because we pay a lot of therapists a lot of money to make sure he doesn’t gag at dinner because there’s a candle on the table”; (2) “Nothing wrong with him? Good. Then I’ll send him to your house the next time he has a meltdown. And while you’re at it, do you mind teaching him to use a belt?” Or, my favorite, (3) “Nothing wrong with him? Well, duh! He’s perfect the way God made him!”
I know Jesus experienced anger (Matthew 21:11-13). I know He was enraged that the temple was being used to buy and sell – making a holy place nothing more than a common street bazaar. But before I silently fist pump my own angry, internal tirades, I have to remember that Christ said, “It is written…my house will be called a house of prayer.” In other words, “you should have known better, guys. You had the book!”
When I get the supercilious looks and the incredulous comments, I need to take a breath and remind myself that they can’t SEE what Noah has, and they don’t KNOW its manifestations. They are ignorant – not just in the Maury-Povich-chair-flipping- “Oh no you didn’t!” sense of the word, but they literally “know no better.” They can’t “see” his Asperger’s like I can.
That means, much as I would like to verbally eviscerate them, I need to practice the mercy I like to preach, keep my trap shut and smile. After all, God loves them just as much as He loves Noah and me.
If you’re reading this and you’ve experienced that familiar prick of rage, here’s my knowing glance from across the cyber-distance, telling you that I’ve been there, too. We just have to forgive these poor blokes for their ignorance, because they just don’t know.
Not yet.
- Sarah
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Broken Heart
This week I've found myself extra emotional. I've broken down in tears on several occasions, something I don't tend to do around other people. Nothing huge is happening, there are just several smaller things that aren't working and they are taking a toll on my heart.
The main issue right now is my son at school. He is having a really hard time keeping himself and his emotions in check. He's lashing out at the other students, sassing his teacher and generally getting into lots of trouble. At first it made me mad. I marched myself into his classroom (I do teach right across the hall) and laid down the law to him. It worked..for the moment. Trouble was, the next day he was right back at it.
So between myself, his teachers and his therapists we set goals and rewards and stepped up our game. Didn't work. Might have even backfired a bit because once he realized he had lost his reward, he did not even try for the rest of the day. You can see where this is going....downhill fast!
So I'm researching, I'm setting up group meetings, I'm talking with G and trying my best to keep myself together. But inside I am crying for my baby. He is not a mean kid. He has a kind heart. He honestly loves his friends. But he is becoming "that kid". The one who kids won't sit next to because he hurts them. The one who kids don't want to play with because he gets too rough. The one whose name is on the board all the time. "That kid".
The other night during our bedtime rituals, G broke down in tears just sobbing. He held me so tight and said "Mama, I had such a hard day!" My heart broke into a million pieces. He knows he isn't doing the right thing but we are struggling with how to teach him. How to reach him in the moment. I honestly don't have any more tricks in my bag.
Today I was looking though some books and I came across one that I had tucked away and forgotten all about. It's called "Finding God in Autism" and it's a devotional geared for parents with autistic kids. Doesn't God know just when to have you 'come across' something that you need? Instead of reading one devotional, I read several days' worth, each spoke something to me. One though, really stuck out.
It begins with Isaiah 61:1 "He sent me to bind up the broken hearted."
Here is the devotional for that day.....
Bind up means to tie up, secure, to hold up or unite. So today we know Christ was sent from heaven to earth to hold us up. He came to unite us with him. It is good news that Jesus was sent to bind up the broken hearted. You and I had our hearts broken when we received our children's diagnosis. He brings us relief. Turning to Jesus is what starts the process of putting the pieces together.
Over the last seven years I have learned that autism is a battle. A battle that needs to be turned over to God. I need to hang onto God and let him lead...God always leads to victory. When I feel weary I am taking on too much of the battle myself; I need to step aside and turn it back over to God. Let Him fight for me. I do not need to spend my time fighting the enemy or see seeking victory. I need to spend more of my time seeking Christ. As I bind myself to His presence and trust God...he will carry our son to victory.
We need to let God heal any brokenness that is still in our hearts. When we allow Jesus to do what God sent Him to do, gather us up and mend our brokenness, faith in God returns.
You and I are trusting God to heal our children in our lifetime. That requires faith. We will be blessed when God chooses to reward our faithfulness. Our children will reap the benefits of what we practiced and dared to believe.
Remember, this battle of autism is really for God to battle. God is raising up many leaders to discover answers about autism. God is leading many top notched doctors, scientists and researchers to answers and truths about this disorder.God is assembling brilliant people to take the heat, dig trenches and be bold in searching for a cure.
As God lifts us up an unites us all, we will not only see the healing begin, we will feel it. God is holding us up with His nail scarred hands. I am sure you and I would just like God to heal our children through an instant miracle. But God is choosing most of us to walk the walk, talk the talk and learn the lesson of "walk by faith".
Today, spend some time memorizing the above verse. Think about how far God has already brought you and how your personal character is being challenged, molded and refined. God showed you His love by sending you His son to bind up your broken heart.
Thank you Father for sending Your Son to bind up my broken heart. Thank you for loving me enough to send your own Son to die for me...I'll not forget the sacrifice. I know your heart must have been broken too.
The main issue right now is my son at school. He is having a really hard time keeping himself and his emotions in check. He's lashing out at the other students, sassing his teacher and generally getting into lots of trouble. At first it made me mad. I marched myself into his classroom (I do teach right across the hall) and laid down the law to him. It worked..for the moment. Trouble was, the next day he was right back at it.
So between myself, his teachers and his therapists we set goals and rewards and stepped up our game. Didn't work. Might have even backfired a bit because once he realized he had lost his reward, he did not even try for the rest of the day. You can see where this is going....downhill fast!
So I'm researching, I'm setting up group meetings, I'm talking with G and trying my best to keep myself together. But inside I am crying for my baby. He is not a mean kid. He has a kind heart. He honestly loves his friends. But he is becoming "that kid". The one who kids won't sit next to because he hurts them. The one who kids don't want to play with because he gets too rough. The one whose name is on the board all the time. "That kid".
The other night during our bedtime rituals, G broke down in tears just sobbing. He held me so tight and said "Mama, I had such a hard day!" My heart broke into a million pieces. He knows he isn't doing the right thing but we are struggling with how to teach him. How to reach him in the moment. I honestly don't have any more tricks in my bag.
Today I was looking though some books and I came across one that I had tucked away and forgotten all about. It's called "Finding God in Autism" and it's a devotional geared for parents with autistic kids. Doesn't God know just when to have you 'come across' something that you need? Instead of reading one devotional, I read several days' worth, each spoke something to me. One though, really stuck out.
It begins with Isaiah 61:1 "He sent me to bind up the broken hearted."
Here is the devotional for that day.....
Bind up means to tie up, secure, to hold up or unite. So today we know Christ was sent from heaven to earth to hold us up. He came to unite us with him. It is good news that Jesus was sent to bind up the broken hearted. You and I had our hearts broken when we received our children's diagnosis. He brings us relief. Turning to Jesus is what starts the process of putting the pieces together.
Over the last seven years I have learned that autism is a battle. A battle that needs to be turned over to God. I need to hang onto God and let him lead...God always leads to victory. When I feel weary I am taking on too much of the battle myself; I need to step aside and turn it back over to God. Let Him fight for me. I do not need to spend my time fighting the enemy or see seeking victory. I need to spend more of my time seeking Christ. As I bind myself to His presence and trust God...he will carry our son to victory.
We need to let God heal any brokenness that is still in our hearts. When we allow Jesus to do what God sent Him to do, gather us up and mend our brokenness, faith in God returns.
You and I are trusting God to heal our children in our lifetime. That requires faith. We will be blessed when God chooses to reward our faithfulness. Our children will reap the benefits of what we practiced and dared to believe.
Remember, this battle of autism is really for God to battle. God is raising up many leaders to discover answers about autism. God is leading many top notched doctors, scientists and researchers to answers and truths about this disorder.God is assembling brilliant people to take the heat, dig trenches and be bold in searching for a cure.
As God lifts us up an unites us all, we will not only see the healing begin, we will feel it. God is holding us up with His nail scarred hands. I am sure you and I would just like God to heal our children through an instant miracle. But God is choosing most of us to walk the walk, talk the talk and learn the lesson of "walk by faith".
Today, spend some time memorizing the above verse. Think about how far God has already brought you and how your personal character is being challenged, molded and refined. God showed you His love by sending you His son to bind up your broken heart.
Thank you Father for sending Your Son to bind up my broken heart. Thank you for loving me enough to send your own Son to die for me...I'll not forget the sacrifice. I know your heart must have been broken too.
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