Insecurity

G threw a hissy fit tonight of epic proportions. He yelled, threw a pillow and stomped his way up the stairs as I sent him to bed for his behavior. Once he had calmed down, he actually began crying for a different reason. He said he was worried I wouldn't love him anymore.

Of course, I explained to him that there was nothing he could ever do to make me stop loving him. Nothing. No matter how many ugly things he did, no matter how many times he screamed at me, no matter how naughty he might be, I would always love him. It took a while to convince him that discipline didn't take away love.

Why is he is so insecure? Why does he doubt my love for him? As I thought about it more, I realized that I do the same thing with God. Things happen to me and I question his love. I wonder if the bad things that happen to me are the result of His disappointment in me. Why, if He loves me so much, does He allow the bad?

I still sit on the fence here honestly. While my head knows that I deserve discipline just like any child, my heart doesn't completely understand it. Are the 'bad' things really discipline? Or does He just choose to let them happen? Why does it seem like the people who try the hardest end up with the roughest road and the ones who act the worst have a charmed life?

I just want reassurance. I want to know that His love for me is unconditional. I want to believe there is a greater plan. I want Him to wrap His arms around me and tell me He will always love me, just like G.

I'm praying for the strength to hear His words, to see His love and to feel His arms.

What I Want

I am feeling so down today. I'll just put it out there plain and simple. There has been no dramatic events this weekend, no crazy roller coaster to put my emotions on high alert. I'm just down.

I'm lonely. Yes, I have a fantastic family and a great job. But I would like the occasional date or even a boyfriend to share the grown up moments with. I'd like to be taken out to dinner every now and then. I'd like it if someone found me attractive. I'd like to feel the butterflies in my stomach when you have that someone special to connect with.

I want my own place. I want to make my own rules for me and my son. I want to be the one to enforce them when needed and decide to throw them to the wind when I want to. I want us to eat healthy every single day without having to think if someone else will enjoy the dinner I make. I want to decorate how I like to, not to someone else's taste.

I want more students at our school. I want a higher salary and to be financially stable. I want to be sure what I am doing is the right thing and to know that I am making a difference in the kids' lives. I want my son to thrive in the Montessori environment. I want him to love that school as much as I do and to value the friends he has there.

I want to be able to take G off his medicine. I want his body to cooperate with his mind so that he can calm down and learn without having to take medication with potential side effects just to get through the lessons. I want him to let go of his anger and be a happy-go-lucky six year old. I want all of the hurts of his past to be laid down and for him to move forward, never having to look back.

I want to stop wondering what comes next. I want to know that the evil that has haunted us for 6 years is utterly and completely gone. Finished. Permanently. I want to stop looking over my shoulder at every turn and just move forward with my life and the life of my child.

I want to laugh, truly laugh, again. I want to be so full of joy that it oozes out of me. I want to walk around with a silly smile on my face because I just can't contain my joy.

I want it all. Is that too much to ask?

Laying them down

I have so much on my mind these days and it's hard to put it into words; well, coherent ones anyway. My heart is being torn in different directions over many different things. So I'll dive right in and apologize now for the ramblings.

G's last visit with his dad was not good. Dad apparently broke some major rules with the case worker. Luckily we were gone when this happened and G didn't see it, but I am praying this is the straw that broke the camel's back. After about 5 weeks, G had to go see him again and I was really mad at God that He had allowed it. It toys with G's emotions in a way that is completely unfair. But after these latest events, there is a real hope that this might be the end. So I'm waiting with baited breath to find out from the case worker in an official capacity what this means. Please, please pray for us that this horrible chapter in our lives is over. Permanently. Forever.

Totally unrelated, I met a man about 2 years ago. We've been emailing back and forth since that time but it was sporadic, until about the last 6 months. Then we began talking much more often. He asked me out, but I wasn't sure I was ready at the time. We kept on chatting. I've gotten to know him better and for lack of a better word, I am smitten. I'm ready to date him but now the roles have reversed. He told me he was still interested but has been hit with some really trying times, financially included, and he doesn't feel he can date now. My heart says he is honest and the timing is just off here but at the same time I feel rejected.

After 6 years of saying that I would never date again, I am really interested in this guy. He seems so incredibly kind and gentle...and that is what I crave. He says he is the 'nice guy' that always gets hurt and is fearful it will happen again. I get that. I'm the female version of that scenario. I know my words to him are lip service at this point. He doesn't know that I have been hurt so many times that I've lost count. He doesn't know how terrified I was to even start talking to him on a personal level. He doesn't know that I had resigned myself to living alone and focus on raising my son. He doesn't know that I had prayed to God to take away any desire I would ever have to be with another man again. That's how scared I was to make another  mistake.

I don't know what it is now. I don't know why I've put myself out there to him. I don't know what he has said or done that has me wanting to know more. I cannot explain it. I just feel myself being drawn to him. It sounds completely crazy. We've only seen each other face to face once where we've had the chance to talk and that was only for a few minutes. All I know is that I want to be in his world and I want to know him better. And now it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

So last night I stayed up most of the night, trying to sort out my emotions. I cried, I prayed and I repeatedly went over and over these things in my head. I want to take G by the hand and walk away from his dad forever. I want to close this section of our lives so that we never, ever have to think about it again. And then I want to walk toward my friend and see him with his arms outstretched to welcome me in. But I can't do either of those. These things are out of my control and that absolutely sucks.

Please pray for us as we navigate these waters. I don't know what is going happen in either situation.  I know what I am hoping for, but I also know that my hopes are not always God's plans. I'm trying desperately to turn them over to Him but it is hard to let go. Please join me in laying our troubles at the feet of Jesus...

Don't know why I'm surprised...

Don't know why I'm surprised...God's always used music to talk to me and this week was no different. I was listening to a country song, kinda sappy, kinda wistful. The lyrics, sung by a band called Sugarland, meant something completely different to me when I began listening. I originally thought of a friend having a hard time. I identified with wanting to be there for that person, hoping that he would feel safe enough with me to turn to me when things got rough.

My thoughts then turned to G. Having some tough discipline choices this week, I've drawn a line with him in order to teach him some lessons. Ones he really needed, but that hurt just the same. After an especially hard time on Friday night, he had screamed, cried and begged for me to change the rules. I didn't give in. But at the end of it all, he still came to my lap for a hug and a quiet whisper of, " I love you Mama."

As I was thanking God for the opportunity to love on my guy, the thought came to me that the song was also about Him. He wants to be the one we reach for first. He wants us to turn to Him when the times are hard. After all, He already knows all about it. He's ready with arms open wide. Just like the song says, we don't have to say a word...He just wants to be there for us.

So I challenge you to read this portion of the lyrics three different ways. Do you hear God speaking to you through it, just like He did to me?  I pray that I will remember this and turn to Him first.

When the weight of the world bears down so strong
You leave footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep

The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for first

When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see straight through your soul
And you can't find a nickel to buy a smile
'Cause your pockets all got holes

You wanna shut the door and hide
Before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for first

Fall into me
My arms are open wide and you don't have to say a word
'Cause I already see
That it's hard and you're scared and you're tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first

In a funk

I'm in a funk tonight. Nothing big has happened. Nothing new. I am just feeling down. There are a few things going on that I want to change but just can't at this moment. For instance, I really want to move. Living with my parents has been a life saver in more ways than one, but it is really hard to be both mom and daughter at once. Can anyone else relate?

On top of the normal things, G is having what I can only call 'flashbacks'. Seemingly out of the blue, he will start talking about the things that he has seen his dad do. Really bad things. While they are not new news to me, it still breaks my heart that he has been witness to them. He is six and is bearing the weight that not even adults should have to. He can't be secure in his own skin because he is constantly remembering.

So what can I do? Nothing really. Well, I pray. But lately it feels like my prayers are hitting the ceiling. So I vent to friends, have a good cry and move forward with tomorrow. My heart hurts tonight but I trust in the One who is always with me.

Lessons from the monitor

For the last few nights, I've been listening though the baby monitor as my sweet boy lays in his bed. He has just turned 6 and has always slept in my bed. At first it was convenience, then necessity and now just comfort. I admit it's a comfort to both of us. I am reminded that he is little only once and I do love those night time snuggles when it's just he and I reading a book or talking about our day. I even love the fact that he sleeps on his stomach just like I do and steals the covers in the middle of the night. But upon turning 6, we agreed it was time to get out of our comfort zone. So we have made the "5 minute rule."

I go with him into his room, turn on the night-light and tuck him in. We give our hugs and kisses and then I head off to my room. I listen in through the monitor as he settles himself in. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he sings and sometimes he cries out to come back to my bed. Occasionally he falls asleep in there. Most nights, he lays there and waits for his 5 minutes to be over. He's surprised me by being able to stay in the bed for about 20 minutes before he wants to come back.

Tonight as I listened to him talking through the monitor I realized the parallel between out situation and that of mine with my Heavenly Father. There are times in my life when I talk, sing or cry, just waiting for my Father to hear me. Sometimes I wait for my time (or trial) to  be over. But regardless of my situation, I know my Father is listening to me. He hears everything that I'm going through. He knows when I'm trying to be brave or when I'm reaching out of my comfort zone. Sometimes he's even the one who pushes me in that direction. But He's always there for me to call out to.

Tonight as my boy came running back to my bed, I also ran to my God in prayer. I am thankful for these lessons and these reminders of His love.

One of those days

Today has not been one of my better days. My little guy woke up feeling bad and couldn't go to school. He's got a bit of a fever, some coughing, working his way into breathing treatments...regular kid illnesses. Just no fun for him or mom. So he stayed home with Nana and Pop while I went to work.

While at work today, one of our dearest families told us they are moving away soon. The child is such a sweetheart and loved by us all. It took her some time to warm up to us but since she has, it just feels empty at the thought of not seeing her each day. And her parents...they are some of our biggest cheerleaders. They are a couple who has given us unending support from the beginning. It is really rare to find such folks like these.

Then I had a meeting today in which I find out some details about another child's home life. It's not pretty. I had some suspicions about his family and the more details I learned, the more the pieces of the puzzle clicked in my head...and that is not the click you want to hear.

Last night we had an Open House in which no one came. Not one person.  We advertised, we talked it up, we shared it with anyone who would listen. Not one bite.

So here I am today, with a heavy heart and feeling sorry for myself, wondering what I did wrong. How does this thing that is my absolute dream turn to feel like such a burden? How did I go from getting my dream career to wondering if we can make it through another year?

My friend and partner in the business said to me today simply, "It's the devil." I know that the enemy fights harder against you when you are doing something right...I know. I believe that God brought us here, even for days like today, for a reason. Another friend reminded me of that just last night. He has a purpose for us. Really, I believe it. Some days it's just harder to fight the fight than others.

Tonight I was greeted with a huge hug from my sweet boy, a great dinner from my mom, and then a big cry alone in my room. My burdens feel heavy, but tomorrow I will get up again, dust myself off and arm myself with much prayer. I will walk into school with a smile on my face, a hug for the hurting child and hope in my heart. I know God will sustain all of us, intertwined in this journey. I'm going to try my best to leave these hard days at the foot of the cross.