With a disclaimer...

If you readers are sensitive, please stop reading now. It's been a tough week and I need to vent. Remember, I warned you.

Letter to "him",
I don't need to address this. You know who you are. You are a cruel, horrible man. You would rather get your way than do what's best for your son. You know what's happening to him. You hear him cry. You hear the hurt in his voice. But you only want your way. You would rather put him in the middle and make him miserable because you know how much I love him. You fight for him because you know it hurts me.

All I can say is that you must be evil. I used to think there is good in everyone. But not you. You are evil to the core. You've proven over and over again the damage you can do. You have abused us (and other people) physically and mentally. Yet for some reason, you always come out on top.

You wonder why your son doesn't want to be around you, yet he has seen you hit women. He's seen you attack them. He's heard your anger. HE HAS WITNESSED IT AND HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU AT ALL...and you can't stand that. You can't stand that he can talk and tell us what you do. And make no mistake, he tells everyone what you do. He even has conversations on the playground about what you do to people.

So you sit back now on your high horse and continue to believe that you will always come out on top. You fool yourself into thinking that it is always someone else's fault. You go take your drugs and wash it down with your alcohol until you convince yourself that you are the victim here.

But I've got news for you. You've sold your soul to the devil and he will take you to the depths of hell where you belong. You don't deserve to be walking around, making everyone afraid. You don't deserve the love of a family, especially this wonderful, sweet boy. You are a disgusting, worthless human being. I'm not sure you even deserve to be called a human being.

I pray every day that God would strike you down..that he would make you suffer as much as you've made us suffer. I want you to feel the pain you've caused your son.  I want you to see the disgust and contempt that people feel for you. Even more, I want you to realize what you've lost. I want you to hurt to the depths of your heart the way those who loved you have hurt. I want you praying to be saved from the horror you feel...then maybe you'll know what it's like. But then I wish for you the most horrible, painful death anyone can image. And I want you to be tortured in hell for all eternity. You don't deserve anything less.

In His Power

Yesterday I had a very informative meeting. I won't bore you with the details, but the lady I met with helped me more in one hour than others have helped me with in weeks. She answered questions for me and helped me understand situations I was unsure of. She gave me hard truths but advise that gave me a lot to think about.

While that sounds like good news, and in many ways it is, the ultimate information is a very hard pill to swallow. It wasn't what I had hoped to hear. I expected some closure, some ultimate change to happen as a result. That wasn't how I left the meeting. I left with a long 'to do' list. I left with much to ponder. I left laughing. I found myself pulling out of the parking lot actually laughing. God had done it again.

God had turned my situation into one that only He can fix. Only He can rectify this. Only God. He does this to me often and you'd think I would be used to it by now. He lets me try to fix things, because I continue to think I can, until I finally realize that it is only His power that will change things.

God lets me spin my wheels. He lets me work and search and try my hardest. I don't think He does it to be mean. He does it to prove to me that in my power, I can't do it. He allows it so I can lean on Him..so I can lean into Him.

While the situation my family is in is definitely not easy, I am grateful for the way God has used it. I literally felt the weight lift off my shoulders when I realized that it was God's battle, not mine. I can't do it, but He can!

He alredy knew

I've been struggling lately with my faith. I have argued with God, tried to pray and ultimately begged Him to show me why. Why did this happen to us? Why would He put an innocent child through this? Why can't we just have peace?

I know my heart has hardened a bit. My prayer life has suffered. I can feel this wall building between myself and God and I'm just not sure what to do about it. My prayers go back and forth..."God we love you...Lord we praise you....Please help us....Why are you allowing this....Why don't you stop this...I am so mad that you aren't doing something....Please help me understand...Please soften my heart....Protect us."

I'm torn. On one hand I am so angry at God that I want to turn my back and never speak to Him again. On the other hand, I am begging Him to protect us because He is the only one who can. I've told Him all of this by the way. I have a feeling He already knew.

But it is amazing the ways He chooses to speak to us...well to me anyway. G was watching a movie the other night in which they were talking about believing in Santa Claus. The character explains that having faith is believing even when you can't see it for yourself. I know the movie was talking about Santa...but God was speaking to my heart about my faith. Or lack thereof.

I'm chewing on this a bit when today we end up at Urgent Care. G's regular pediatrician was full and couldn't take him today so off we went. We waited....and waited....and waited. We waited two and a half hours before we saw the doctor. Yes, you heard me right. Two and a half hours. I can't complain about G. He was incredible. He only asked a few times when it would be our turn. 

Now me, on the other hand, was getting pretty irritated at having to wait so long. I would pray for favor, then get aggravated that we were still sitting there. Is this what I had reduced God to? Please give me what I want or else I'll be mad at you? I heard myself question God again...."What is it that you want me to learn from this?"

At least for today, I have found some comfort. Maybe there is something God wants me to learn from all of this. I'm not sure about the whole picture, but I am sure that He is speaking to me about what I really believe. I don't think He is bothered by my questions or even my anger. I think He is using my own emotions to lead me back to Him.

It was even more clear to me tonight as G looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, " I don't want to go back to Daddy's this week." My heart was broken for him, but at the same time I found myself saying that we should pray about it. We should ask God to help us in this. God had brought us back around full circle. Only God can fix this. Only God. So do I believe He can and will? 

My first instinct in answer to G was to turn to God. It was there in my heart all along. Maybe buried under the hurt and uncertainty of our situation, but it was in my heart. God knew it, I just couldn't see it. I do believe.

In Limbo

I feel like I'm in limbo today.

 To give you some background, last week was really tough. We went to court and I lost my initial case. I can't put in too many details here, but I can tell you that I have a lot of evidence....A LOT. But the judge wouldn't admit much of it. He didn't completely hear my side of the story. The other party won. And my family lost.

I was immediately heartbroken. I had felt that God told me it was my time to act. I wasn't even too nervous about the court date. I had full confidence in my God. I just knew we would win. When the opposite happened, it was like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. My confidence was shattered. I felt let down. I felt cheated. And worst of all, it affected my son gravely. I had to go home and tell him that our prayers had not been answered.

I sent my friends an email telling them what had happened. I admitted my feelings of hurt and anger toward God. I needed them to help me rally. One very wise friend told me that it was ok to be angry with God. She reminded me that He was a big guy and could handle it...plus He already knew my feelings.

Another friend urged me to be angry at the system but to draw closer to God. Honestly, I could feel my heart hardening. I couldn't feel God's hand in this situation. I felt like God took my family to the middle of nowhere and left us there.

Over a week has gone by since that day and I am in limbo. I'm still hurt. I'm unsure of where to go from here. I am afraid to trust God since I've been let down but I'm afraid not to trust Him because He is the only one who can help. It's an awful feeling.

Today, my son wanted to go to church. I had no desire to go. I'm mad at God after all. I don't want to go to His house and worship Him. My heart just isn't in it.  But we did go...and the first prayer of the day by the worship leader spoke of how God is loving us. He spoke of how God is fighting for us, even as we are fighting against ourselves. God pricked my heart with that prayer.

As we left the service and shook hands with the pastor, he told me he'd received my email and would be answering soon. Now, we attend regularly but hadn't officially been introduced. I didn't know that he knew who I was. We had exchanged emails, but I felt a certain anonymity in explaining my situation. After all, I was one of hundreds of parishioners and one who certainly didn't stand out in the crowd. But he did know me, and loved me enough to point out that he had been praying for our situation. God knew I needed to hear that today.

I'm still in limbo..still rattled. Then as I sat down to write this tonight, I looked back at my last post. It was dated exactly one month ago. At that time I was strong enough to fight the enemy and hold up a friend when she couldn't do it herself.

I guess now it's my turn. I'll let someone else hold me up for awhile until I'm strong enough to do it for myself again.

Defeated....

I was chatting to a friend online tonight who presented me with the words, " I feel defeated." Seeing those words come across my computer screen made my heart sink. She has shared with me the struggles she is facing in her life. Both in business and personally, she is having a hard time.

I can imagine her feelings...she is in a valley. The mountaintop seems too high to reach. Sitting at the bottom with head in hand, crying, despairing over what events are transpiring all around her. I can imagine her feelings because I've been there too. Haven't we all? Even as we were talking, we realized that each of us in our immediate group of friends was going through this same season. We each have different events affecting us, but we are all in the valley.

In talking to my sweet friend and in thinking about our "valley" I actually started to get angry. Well first, I cried along with her and felt my heart break too, but then I got mad. She is a daughter of the most High God. I am too. Our friends are followers of Christ. We are on this journey together because of a shared vision we believe was given to us by God Himself. So how dare the enemy think he can load us up with his garbage!

He thinks he can because he is trying to wear us down. He wants us to be tired. He wants us to feel defeated. If we give up, then he has won. Well I have news for him....we are not giving up! When one of us feels defeated, we will hold her up until she regains her strength. We may all be in the valley, but we are here together for a purpose.

I'm reminded of the story of Moses holding the staff up during a battle. The battle was being won as long as he could hold up his arms. Now you know his arms got tired...he was weary....he was drained. In his own strength he couldn't do it anymore. But the men beside him stepped in. They held his arms up for him when he could no longer lift them up. They supported Moses. They didn't leave his side until the battle was won.

So enemy, you listen up. We are NOT giving up. We are NOT giving in. We are here, holding each other up, as long as it takes until this battle is won. We were sent here together for a purpose and we are going to see that purpose come to light. God has blessed it (and us) and we are going to fight every step of the way. We've read the end of the story and we know who wins.

Eavesdropping

I didn't mean to eavesdrop on my son tonight. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I heard him talking in the other room. He was curled up on the bed with one of his lovies. When you press his tummy, he recites a bedtime prayer. G has paid a lot of attention to prayers lately...those we pray together, the one his lovey says, and the ones offered up at lunchtime each day at school.

Tonight I heard him begin by saying the prayer along with his lovey. Then as the lovey stopped talking I clearly heard G on his own....

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer."

Psalm 19:14 flowed out of him so sweetly. We haven't practiced this particular verse or taught it in a devotional. It was part of a prayer a classmate says before lunch. Who knew that when we began this practice at LifeSong that it would be used to influence another heart? Who knew that my heart would be so influenced?

God knew. It was His plan from the beginning. He knew that this would be a stressful season in my life and that I would need this sweet reminder of His hand in my life and the life of my baby. Help me Father each day as I bind my heart to this prayer and let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.

I want this on record...

My last entry was on how hard Friday was. It was hard. But I am here to tell you (and I want this on record) how faithful God is.

After some days of soul searching and giving it all over to God, He has brought our school family together. Every one of the ladies who initially began this journey with us has agreed to continue on...every one! This is amid pay cuts, struggling families and unsure times. Each of us believes in this dream and that God has chosen us for this journey.

I know what it means for me...for my biological family to support me in this venture. But to have those people support and love you through the tough times, when your 'tough time' becomes their 'tough time' is almost beyond comprehension. My heart is overflowing with love and gratitude.

Just as the last member of our school family signed on, we were hit with another blow. I won't go into those details here, but it hit me hard. Then it made me mad. Then I started to laugh.

I'm not losing it (well at least I don't think I am) but it struck me as so funny. The enemy is working overtime trying to stop this dream...this dream that God placed in me so many years ago. It is comical to see the enemy throwing all of this at us when God has already reassured us that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Doesn't he know that he can't win?

So I want this on record; God is planning something HUGE for us....as LifeSong, as teachers, as moms, as followers of Christ. If we weren't meant to do something big for the Kingdom of God, the enemy wouldn't be trying so hard!

I am so excited! I can hardly wait to see God get all of the glory!