So Blessed

Last night we piled in the car with snacks and drinks, driving an hour to see our school's annual holiday performance. This was the first year I had attended as a guest, not as part of the staff. It was a little surreal sitting in the audience watching former students sing on stage.

I looked at children I had taught years before, now almost as tall as me. I watched children that were once shy standing on stage enjoying their moment in the spotlight. I noticed missing teeth, new hair cuts and growth spurts....all in only about 6 months time. It seemed like much longer!!

We made our rounds backstage before the show, hoping to say hello to a few people. I was overwhelmed by the hugs and smiles we received. I honestly cannot recall just how many people came up to us to talk. There were lots of laughs and even a few tears as I reconnected with great friends.

My mom was with me and she made the comment that she was so proud of me. She said it was clear how much people really thought of me. I am definitely not tooting my own horn here...it was actually a shock to hear her say it. I have always second-guessed my actions toward students and their parents. I hoped I was positive, not too harsh...I hoped most of all my love showed through for them.

I'm still not sure that my feelings for them were well conveyed, but it was clear to me that I am loved by them. I felt so supported and honored to be a part of that community. It's like an extension of my own family. As I thought about all of those wonderful people today, I was sure to thank God for extending His love to me...through them. I am blessed beyond measure.

Awesome Responsibility

Since my friend had a post on her blog about Mary, I have thinking about her a lot. I sometimes forget she was so young. Today, the pastor spoke about her as well. His sermon was focused on the vision that Mary received from the angel telling her that she would bear the Son of God.

Can you imagine the pressure Mary felt when she received this vision? Not only would she be pregnant as a virgin, but she would be carrying the Savior of the world! She would be responsible for raising Him. God Himself entrusted her with caring for His most precious gift. She had this incredible vision but in truth, really couldn't comprehend all that Jesus meant to the world.

It got me thinking about my own son. Now, I'm not comparing him to Jesus in a blasphemous way. I know he is not going to redeem the world. I know he was not sent here as my personal savior. But I do know he was sent here with a purpose. I know God has a mighty plan for his life.

What an awesome responsibility I have to raise him. I don't know how he will affect humanity or whose life he will ultimately touch. But I believe he will touch lives. I believe he is a walking example of God's love. God entrusted me with caring for this precious gift. To raise him up in the image of Jesus. To teach him and guide him as he learns to lean on God for himself. God entrusted me.

I also thought about the years I spent with children before my son was born. I've taught children for 15 years, in different areas and settings. I am humbled that God allowed me to have a part to play in their lives as well. I am saddened by the thought that I have not always done my very best. There were times I was not walking with the Lord and I know this was reflected in the way I interacted with the children. For those times, I have asked forgiveness. And now I am thankful that God has allowed me more chances to spread His love.

What an awesome responsibility...what an incredible, overwhelming, tremendous, amazing, astonishing responsibility. I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Hearing His Voice

Our pastor spoke today on hearing the voice of God. He gave one illustration that hit home with me. I'm writing it today so I don't forget....

He spoke of Driver's Ed class in school. Students drove cars under specific directions, yet other times were given "free time" to drive and practice as they wished. The only rule was to keep the radio tuned to the AM radio station so they could hear the instructor's voice.

On this particular day during free time, he decided that he would turn the radio to an FM station and jam out for awhile. After all, it was free time! So as he was cruising around and practicing his 'figure 8's' he didn't hear the instructor's voice who decided that all the other cars should follow his lead. Had he heard this set of directions, he would never have chosen the path he did. What ensued was a gridlock of cars and a mess that took quite some time to rectify. All because he hadn't been listening.

He spoke of this as a metaphor of how we respond to God's voice. God talks to us but if we aren't listening to Him, we miss out on the plans He has for us. We miss His wisdom and guidance. We might even miss it when He calls out His love for us.

I am guilty of being so caught up in the 'doing' of my life that I don't slow down enough to listen. My goal is to listen intently to Him....I sure don't want to miss ANYTHING He has for me!

At the heart of every storm....

"At the heart of every storm there is a victory waiting to be claimed"...my friend's blog uses this quote borrowed from her friend's letter.

I am thankful tonight that my friend posted this.

I had an especially hard evening. I sat in my car and prayed and cried for a long time. I want divine intervention in a particular situation in my life. I have asked God for this miracle every single day for over 2 years. Tonight I felt hurt and even a bit mad at God for not granting this request yet. I am torn between feeling love toward my Father and the desire to scream at Him. So tonight in the car I did both.

I asked God for answers. I cried. I begged. I sobbed. Then I got mad. I screamed at Him at the top of my lungs. Really, really screamed at Him. I really let Him have it! But in return, God calmed my spirit and gave me peace. I was able to repent for my disrespect toward Him and left the car feeling more relaxed. I pondered my situation for a while and then I came across my friend's blog.

"At the heart of every storm there is a victory waiting to be claimed". My victory? God's victory? Really it doesn't matter, for they are one in the same. God has promised us victory...and He always keeps His promises.

I am grateful tonight to have a Lord who speaks to me so personally. He allows my tantrums and tears but comforts me in a way no one else can. I also thank God for my friend...she writes what is on her heart. And tonight God laid on her heart what to write to meet my heart.

Part of the Club

Last week we met some friends for dinner. We had a fantastic time...the kids playing, the adults chatting. We got to catch up on who-did-what and where-are-they-now sort of things. The children hadn't met before and although they were of various ages, they seemed to enjoy each other's company.

One of the other children has Autism, just like my son. As moms, we compared notes on development and Autism-isms. I took comfort in the fact that her child was older than mine, and they had survived and thrived in areas that we too are now facing.

As we traveled home, I was thinking about being part of this "Autism Club". As I prayed that night, I found myself once again so sad at this thought. I don't think it is fair for a child...mine or hers or any child at all...to have Autism. I don't want my son to be part of this club. I don't want her child to be part of this club. I questioned God, I begged God, I cried out to God to change this. I gave God all kinds of ways that would work...as if He (God Almighty, Creator of the Universe) needed my help!

This Sunday as the pastor preached his message he made a point that stuck with me. We often try in our own strength to fix things. When that doesn't work, we tell God how to fix it. It is not our job to do this, only to believe that He is God and He has our best interest at heart. If we are truly His followers and are striving to live a life that is pleasing to Him, we have to believe in His sovereignty.

It's hard for me, I admit it. I am wired to lay out a plan, follow the path and see the end result turn out to be exactly what I expected. It's really hard for me when that doesn't happen. But I am reminded that if God knows the number of hairs on my head, He is very aware of everything else that is in my life . Not only is He aware of it, but none of it has been a surprise to Him. He has allowed things to happen that ultimately show His glory. It is His plan. It is His path. It is His end result. It is all for Him.

My head swims at the thought of my Father carefully planning out my life, my son's life, my friend's life...from beginning to end. It amazes me. I am in awe. And I can let go of my own plan because I know the one my Lord has for me it so much better than anything I can ever imagine. Thank you God for this reminder.

Clovers

Our yard has lots of patches of clovers. LOTS of patches of clovers. It's become a little challenge between my mother and I too see who can find the most with four leaves. My son has even gotten into the spirit by pointing "right there" at which plant he thinks might be good luck.

I was outside yesterday bending over looking into yet another patch which seemed to have no four-leaf clovers in it. I'm a bit competitive so my back was aching as I kept searching. Finally I decided to just sit down...why hadn't I thought of it before??

As I sat down on the ground, a four-leaf clover was right there for the taking. I heard God speak to me....
"Sometimes you have to get right down in the middle of things".

I thought about my family, friends, those who I pray for. And I realized that I don't always take action. Yes, I pray as I am called to do. But often I don't extend a hand. I don't get right in the middle of things and try to help. I tend to take more of a sidelines approach. My prayer today is that I jump in with both feet and get right down in the middle of things. Help me Lord to be more of a "doer" than of a "watcher". I know You'll give me the strength and wisdom to accomplish my goal.

Normal LIfe

It seems that life has been so busy lately. We've rushed to therapy, afraid we would be late. We've made a quick trip to the store to grab a few last minute items. We've already begun thinking about(and buying) Christmas gifts. We've baked a cake for the aunt who invited us for dinner. We've made plans to meet dear friends next week. We've gone to church. We've even gone trick of treating.

Today as I was mulling over all we've done and all that if forth coming, I was struck by a thought....this is all part of normal life. That might not seem like a "light bulb over the head " moment to anyone else, but for me it was.

There was a time in my life when I questioned if our lives would ever be normal. My son was medically fragile and I wasn't sure we'd ever live the life others did. As he was diagnosed with Autism recently, I heard those questions again in my mind.

But last night, as we went house to house saying "tic teet" (trick or treat) and blowing kisses to each one who opened their door, I felt such peace. Life is normal, but also better than normal. Blowing kisses to a stranger isn't typical, but it's good. Grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the next house is what a lot of kids do, but for us it was a milestone. Asking for "one more" piece of candy after coming back inside is a battle for some but it made me smile. I'd had a perfectly normal evening....and I felt so blessed. Thank you Lord.