Out of my comfort zone

My son has some trouble with sensory processing. For him, changes in routine are a big deal. New textures, new places, new people....it can all be overwhelming. It can manifest in a shy smile or a total meltdown.

Recently we have pushed him a bit and he's tried lots of new things. Some were met with wide eyed wonder and joy, some met with tears and fear. But I am so proud of him because he TRIED them.

I promised to help him through and he put his trust in me. Even though he didn't like some of the things, I hope he got the message that I was trustworthy. I held his hand. I walked beside him. I even carried him when it was too much for him to do on his own.

My thoughts turned to my Savior. He pushes me sometimes. I go through new experiences with Him.Sometimes I meet them with wide eyed wonder and joy, others with tears and fear. But He never lets me go. He holds my hand, walks with me and even carries me. He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy. Thank you Lord for reminding me.

Hope

I've been struggling a lot lately. It's obvious from my writings. I have been praying for a particular miracle in my life for over 2 years now. Sometimes it seems as though it will never come. I bargain with God (although I know that's not how it works), I cry, I beg, I plead, I try to "do right", I try all that is with in my power to make it happen. Most of all I hope.

I hope that this miracle will happen soon...today. I hope the decisions I make for my family are the best. I hope that I am the best person I can be. Most of all I hope in the Lord.

"No one who hopes in me ever regrets it" (Isaiah 49:23-The Message). This is by far the best thing to hope in. I know that no matter what life throws at me or my family, I will never regret hoping in the Lord. Thank you heavenly Father for your love.

Fresh look

I'm so glad when I get a fresh look at something..a new perspective. I recently bought "The Message" Bible to add to my collection of other versions. I'm studying the book of Isaiah. I was actually focused on a different subject when this verse struck me....

" So to whom will you compare me, the Incomparable? Can you picture me without reducing me?" (Isaiah 46:5)

It made me think. Really think. Can I really picture God without reducing Him? My vision is limited to this earth. I can't really comprehend how vast, how amazing, how wonderful He is. I find it hard to wrap my mind around this idea that MY God is the same one who hung the stars in place. MY God is the one who knows everything that has been and all that is to come. MY God is He who is everywhere....EVERYWHERE! It boggles my mind to think of it all.

I pray that I am able remember all that the scriptures tell me about God. I want to know Him in every way. I want Him to reveal Himself to me in every circumstance. I want to picture Him without reducing Him to the human level. Help me do that Lord.

Lost

Tonight I am lost...or at least I feel that way. I am hurt, angry and afraid. I've just learned that my son no longer has medical insurance. His dad is supposed to cover the cost but that isn't happening. I don't have the money to provide it myself. Even if I did, his Autism diagnosis might be a pre-existing condition that won't be covered.

I am unsure of what to do next. Health care is expensive enough in general but when you add therapy several times a week and specialists, the costs are through the roof.

I am mostly afraid of letting my son down. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves to get whatever help he needs to learn to live his life. How do I look at him each day knowing he isn't getting the services he needs because the adults in his life aren't doing the right thing?

It's more than just the money. It's more than just the insurance. It's fear. It's anger. It's sadness. It sometimes seems that the more you try to do the right thing, the more things go wrong.

I believe that my son has a calling upon his life to preach the gospel. And I know that the enemy will do whatever he can to put a stop to that. I know we face this daily as we come under attack. But my heart breaks for this innocent little boy has to face these things.

I've been reading about the sovereighty of God. My head knows that God will provide. My head knows that God will protect us. My head knows that God will work all of this out for our best and His glory. But the message sometimes has trouble reaching my heart.

As I sit here writing this, I am wearing a shirt that says "God is good". I know that God has already brought us through so much, and He promises to be with us in this too. I know it. I believe it. Even as I cry over it, I feel the tug on my spirit.

For now, I'll pray. ALOT. And I'll also pray that this blog will be a testimony. I pray I'll be able to come back later and give a praise report about this situation. Would you please pray that too?

Milestones

Today I was playing outside with my son. He was riding his toy car, kicking a ball, having lots of fun. Average things for a two year old to do. After some active play, I offered him a drink. He's not much for water alone but a plastic water bottle "like Nana's" was too hard for him to resist.

It was then that I was moved to tears. Over a water bottle.

I was reminded that this was the baby who was once tube fed. Who once lay in the hospital gravely ill after a life-flight from an infection. Who we weren't sure would ever come home to the nursery we'd prepared.

As he insisted that the water bottle would fit into the cup holder of his car, I sat in amazement of God's healing power. As I watched this little boy, my heart was so full it felt like it would burst.

As a parent, milestones are sometimes measured in what our children do...when they sit up, walk, talk. But on days like today, our milestones are measured in what no longer happens. No more tubes, no more medicine, no more sickness.

Healings happen. Miracles occur. Prayers are answered. Thank You God.

"Jesus Shirt"

I was standing in line today at Wal-Mart. There were 2 people in front of me at the customer service desk when I got in the line. One man was at the desk and the woman in front of me was waiting her turn to be next. Can you believe that not one, not two, but THREE people (separate from each other) ended up cutting in front of the woman and the rest of us in line. It was so rude. The woman in front of me actually turned around to me and said "Where do they keep coming from??"

I was almost at the end of my rope. For one person to do it was bad enough but 3...I opened my mouth to say something to the 'line cutters' but as I did, I remembered that I was wearing what my son calls my "Jesus shirt". It has a cartoon picture of Jesus with "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so" written on it. Suddenly I was convicted. Here I was, representing Jesus and about to tell these people off!

Then, I was convicted again...more so this time. I represent Jesus EVERY DAY. Not just the days He is shown on my clothing. He is represented in all I do, all I say, all I am. My heart was saddened at the thought of what I almost did.

I pray God reminds me loudly and often that I am an ambassador for Him. I pray He helps me keep my perspective in situations like this one. I pray most of all that the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart will be acceptable in His sight.

Songs

Songs get stuck in my head. Sometimes it's a commercial jingle, sometimes a "kid's" song, sometimes it's from the church choir.....

" It's all because of Jesus I'm alive
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ
Covers me and raised this dead man's life
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive."

It just keeps repeating through my mind. I have meditated on it for a couple of days now and the more I do, the more it sinks in. Not only am I alive as in eternal life but also this physical life. I think back to times in my life that I was spared. It could only be the blood of Jesus covering me that was my protection. It was only the blood of Jesus covering me that allowed me to live this life I now have. He raised this dead man's life....

If you don't know Jesus, I urge you to talk to Him. He is here. Right where you are. Sitting with you as you read this. All you have to do is tell Him "I'm a sinner. I've been wrong. I love You and believe You. I claim Your love for me. Jesus, please put Your arms around me and make me Yours." And it doesn't have to be those words, just pour out your heart to Him. He will accept you. No questions asked. All you have to do is talk to Him. His unconditional love is the one thing you can count on in this life.

If He can cover me with His love, He will do it for anyone.