It's been there in the background for the last couple of weeks. More distance. Less togetherness. Something that wasn't "quite right". Last night we made it official. We broke up.
As far as break ups go, it was the best I've ever had. Both of us sad, both of us crying, both of us wishing circumstances were different. But neither of us mad or being the bad guy. Both of us just sorry that it wasn't what it could be.
He left my house and I cried hard. I prayed hard. I now feel lost and sad and scared all at the same time. I've been in tears on and off all day. I've replayed the last five months in my head. We've never had a fight, never had a big disagreement...quite the opposite. We've laughed and shared jokes. We've been sarcastic. We've had incredible sex.
But the baggage we carry hangs over us like a dark cloud. Depression and past pain colors everything we do, together and apart. We try to move past it but it is still there, ready to haunt us just when things get good.
In the middle of the grown ups trying to sort out what to do and where to go with this is a sweet little 6 year old who loves us both. He doesn't understand what it means. We hugged, held hands and occasionally kissed in front of G. It took him a while to get comfortable with seeing us affectionate and now I'm explaining that we will just be friends. J says he still wants to be a part of our lives and I hope that is true. G calls J his "brother" and doesn't want to lose that. I don't want him to lose that either. J is a fantastic influence on G and heaven knows that G needs that kind of man in his life.
So I sit here tonight, reflecting. I have prayed on J's positive and negative points (long before tonight) and am grateful that he came into our life. It was his portrayal of Jesus that led my baby boy to a real relationship with God. He gave G a glimpse of what a real father should be. He played with G, got down on his level and tried to learn about Autism and G's world. For me, he spoke beauty back into my life. He made me feel special, wanted, needed again. I honestly thought that part of me was long gone. He reminded me that I don't want to be alone. He ignited a fire in me that I thought had died. I'm grateful to God for bringing us together, even if it was briefly.
I'm now praying that one of two things would happen....that we would mutually decide we are meant to be together (and that we act on it) or we can remain in each other's lives as the best of friends. No matter the outcome, I pray that the right person is sent into our lives, whether that is each other or someone else. I pray that we can finally work through the burdens and baggage that have claimed home in each of us for too long. I pray that we can both find true love, peace and happiness. We both deserve it.
