Since I've last blogged, so much has happened in my life. Several months have gone by in what seems like the blink of an eye. Seasons have changed, holidays have passed and many changes have ensued.
The single biggest change in my life has been that of J. He is the man I've spoken of in many previous posts. We are officially dating, and have been rather steadily since October. He is a fantastic man; very kind, generous and gentle. He has a wonderful sense of humor and both G and I are enamored with him. And he is so good with G! He is patient with him but also lots of fun. G actually gets upset when J isn't coming over or we have to change our plans. If he had his way, J would be with us every night.
The good and bad part of this relationship is that J and I share lots of the same baggage. We've both come from very difficult relationships. We've both had some major issues where our children are concerned. It's great that we can easily understand and sympathize with each other but it is also hard in that we both carry an incredibly heavy load. It stands to reason that we are moving along cautiously.
Tonight we celebrated J's birthday. I hope it was as much fun for him as it was for us. Planning a 'birthday party' as G calls it, is one of his favorite things in the world. He was almost giddy by the time J got to open his presents and have cake! But after G went to bed and we were saying goodnight to each other, things took a more serious turn.
The conversation wound up in sober tone and before I knew it, I was crying. J didn't do anything wrong, quite the opposite. He proved to me that he had paid attention to me during some previous talks about our 'baggage'. He let me know that he had heard my hurts and understood my pain. At one point he even reached up and gently wiped a tear from my face. He knew how I felt because he had been there too.
In my head, though, I heard a different voice. I heard the one that used to tell me how stupid I was. I heard the voice that told me I wasn't good enough, that no matter what I did, it wouldn't work. I heard the voice that reminded me how unattractive I was. I heard the voice that told me that no one would ever love me.
How can it be that the voice from the past can speak louder than the one sitting right in front of you? How can a memory be so vivid that it blocks your view of the present? Why does my mind even allow the pain to seep in during a joyous occasion? I don't have the answers to that. I don't know when the voice will be silenced, if it ever will.
All I know is that I refuse to allow my past to continue to creep into my future. I know there are scars that I will always carry but I don't want them to be the first things you see when you look at me. J reminded me tonight that good or bad, our past has made us who we are today. And part of that is being together now.
So I'm struggling to squash the voice that tells me I'm ugly and fighting to hear J's voice tell me I'm beautiful. I'm holding my breath until the memory of the violent hand leaves my mind and I can focus on the gentle hand who is squeezing mine. I'm choosing to push away the pain of putting my little boy to bed alone and focusing on watching this wonderful man embrace my child as his head hits the pillow.
I'm choosing joy. I'm choosing love. And I'm praying to leave my baggage outside.
