I feel like I'm in limbo today.
To give you some background, last week was really tough. We went to court and I lost my initial case. I can't put in too many details here, but I can tell you that I have a lot of evidence....A LOT. But the judge wouldn't admit much of it. He didn't completely hear my side of the story. The other party won. And my family lost.
I was immediately heartbroken. I had felt that God told me it was my time to act. I wasn't even too nervous about the court date. I had full confidence in my God. I just knew we would win. When the opposite happened, it was like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. My confidence was shattered. I felt let down. I felt cheated. And worst of all, it affected my son gravely. I had to go home and tell him that our prayers had not been answered.
I sent my friends an email telling them what had happened. I admitted my feelings of hurt and anger toward God. I needed them to help me rally. One very wise friend told me that it was ok to be angry with God. She reminded me that He was a big guy and could handle it...plus He already knew my feelings.
Another friend urged me to be angry at the system but to draw closer to God. Honestly, I could feel my heart hardening. I couldn't feel God's hand in this situation. I felt like God took my family to the middle of nowhere and left us there.
Over a week has gone by since that day and I am in limbo. I'm still hurt. I'm unsure of where to go from here. I am afraid to trust God since I've been let down but I'm afraid not to trust Him because He is the only one who can help. It's an awful feeling.
Today, my son wanted to go to church. I had no desire to go. I'm mad at God after all. I don't want to go to His house and worship Him. My heart just isn't in it. But we did go...and the first prayer of the day by the worship leader spoke of how God is loving us. He spoke of how God is fighting for us, even as we are fighting against ourselves. God pricked my heart with that prayer.
As we left the service and shook hands with the pastor, he told me he'd received my email and would be answering soon. Now, we attend regularly but hadn't officially been introduced. I didn't know that he knew who I was. We had exchanged emails, but I felt a certain anonymity in explaining my situation. After all, I was one of hundreds of parishioners and one who certainly didn't stand out in the crowd. But he did know me, and loved me enough to point out that he had been praying for our situation. God knew I needed to hear that today.
I'm still in limbo..still rattled. Then as I sat down to write this tonight, I looked back at my last post. It was dated exactly one month ago. At that time I was strong enough to fight the enemy and hold up a friend when she couldn't do it herself.
I guess now it's my turn. I'll let someone else hold me up for awhile until I'm strong enough to do it for myself again.
