Summer Visit

This last week has been pretty tough. We've done so many things that left me feeling a bit like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Our school held its graduation ceremony and end of the year activities yesterday. There was laughter and tears, saying goodbye to children and parents I have grown to love.

Then we've been dealing with the dreaded summer visit. The plan was for G to visit his dad beginning Thursday night and coming home on Tuesday. G has been upset for days over this visit. He makes comments about not wanting to go, he wants to stay at home, etc. On Tuesday night as he got into bed he cried over it. ALOT. He had some fears over not having a night light there and we quickly remedied that by putting one in his bag to take. But it didn't stop the fear and dread.

Then on Wednesday night as we were getting ready to go to bed, G dropped a toy on his foot. Now I know this hurt. His toenail immediately turned blue. No doubt that he was in pain. But after about half an hour of crying, screaming and all manner of melt down, it occurred to me that something else might be going on. When I did ask, he let loose even more. It all boiled down to the fact that he did not want to spend the night with his dad.

Well we did manage to get him on a positive track and by Thursday evening he was getting excited about the prospect of going to do some things like attending a birthday party. He was nervous getting in his dad's car but was ok. He said he wanted me to call the next night (something he usually doesn't ask for).

Now onto tonight...I called. He cried, begged and pleaded with me to come get him. "I want you Mama. I want to go home to my Mama's house!" He was sobbing so hard I could barely make out most of his words. I tried my best to calm him down, reassuring him of all the fun he would have. He would have no part of it. He decided that he'd rather come home than go to the birthday party, go camping or play with the relatives he only sees there.

The worst part was that his dad wouldn't give in. I told him I would come pick G up and bring him back the next morning if he still wanted to see G. Of course, he wouldn't hear of it. So I listened to my baby wail for me for over half an hour. I tried my best to comfort him . I tried my best to make him feel better, talking while tears rolled down my cheeks.

After the conversation ended, I prayed about this whole situation. I've told God I'm trying hard to trust in Him, to believe there is a purpose for all of this. I am trying to praise God no matter what, but it is so hard. Especially when it is my son who is hurting. That's got to be the worst pain of all.

God, in His wisdom, knew I needed some help. I came in to check my email and found this as part of a devotional. Only God could orchestrate this timing.

I hope this speaks to you as powerfully as it did to me........

The Most Difficult Prayer
by Phyllis Hobe

It may seem easy to pray in gratitude—until we come across Paul's words in Thessalonians 5:18: "In every thing give thanks" (KJV). I have looked up this verse in many translations and there is no way around it. Paul is telling us to be thankful for everything.

There are so many things for which I could not thank God, not if I were to be honest with Him. And for a long time I couldn't even approach this kind of thanksgiving prayer. How could I be grateful for death, disease, for human cruelty and selfishness, for all the pain in this world? No, I could not be. Yet my resistance troubled me. In every other way in which I prayed I had received God's love and blessings. I wondered, Am I missing something vital in my life by not being able to give thanks for everything?

Then one day when I was visiting a dear friend who suffers from crippling arthritis, she asked me to pray with her. In a voice weekened by chronic pain she began speaking to God. Here is what she said:

My Dear Lord,

My life hasn't been easy and you know better than anyone because I have called on You often for aid and comfort. I have asked You why You allow me to suffer so much. I did not begin my life knowing You but I have loved You for a long time now.

But this pain! It destroys the joy in my life and my ability to give joy to others. What can I do for You now, hurting as I am? Is there some way this pain of mine can be used for good? Can it be of value to my family who must look after me, as I looked after them?

O my beloved God, You are leading me to the place of thanksgiving, aren't You? I am beginning to see Your light in my darkness to see the blessings even in my pain. Although I am not as cheerful as I once was, I am compassionate. I am learning at this very moment that pain is not really my enemy. Pain is my teacher. I am being instructed in the art of sensing the hurt in life, and I trust that You will now let me learn how I can be a source of comfort to all those who suffer.

I am no longer angry, God, not at you and not at life. I may not move very well but You have increased my sensitivity. I thank You for that. And I thank You for the understanding that there is a purpose in all things. And You are there in all things. Thank You in the name of the Your suffering Son, whose example is now made clear to me. Amen.

My friend's prayer helped me to see that I can thank God for everything. It isn't easy. But is is good. And it is honest.

Walk for Grant

I am joining my first Autism Speaks walk this month. I borrowed this format from their web site and posted on the fridge at work to help raise money. I didn't know the effect it would have on people. I wanted to save it as a reminder, to myself and for my angel that I love so much!

WALK FOR AUTISM

I walk because you are my love bug, my only child, much prayed for, desperately loved. I walk because you are mine.

I walk because I am a teacher. I worked with children like you before you existed. Little did I know, I was training for our life together. I walk because I am your mother.

I walk because every single day you make me proud. You face your fears and don't even know it. You encounter sounds, smells ans sights that make your body uncomfortable, yet you continue on. I walk because you are brave.

I walk because you are a gift. You have made me a better person, a better teacher, a better mother. You look at things from another perspective and give me insight, never ceasing to amaze me. I walk because of who you are.

I walk in support of other families who do not have the support we are blessed with. There are families who do not know the signs, who do not know where to go, who think their child is just naughty. I walk for information.

I walk because I do not know why. I am afraid to have another child because I'm not sure if autism is because of your premature birth, our genes, the environment. I walk in search of knowledge.

I walk because there are 1 in 110 families who are dealing with what we do every day. It is not an over diagnosis. It is real and it is now. I walk for research.

I walk to make "our typical" possible. Your stimming, your honesty, your personality is a part of me. I must try and think ahead of you. I have become a planner, a dietician, and educator, a researcher, and advocate and an author of social stories. I walk because this is my life.

I walk because you are my hero and I love you!

Love, Mommy

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Join our team in walking, monetarily and in prayer as we strive to find a cure for autism. Come see me or visit www.autismspeaks.org and click on the "walk now for autism speaks" link in the lower left corner for more information.